Even with our fists held high
it never would have worked out right, yeah
we were never meant for do or die
Monday, January 12, 1987
Amanda was both surprised and grateful that the past seven weeks had flown by. Between finishing her Agency training classes, assisting on several cases, and preparing for and getting through the holidays, she wasn't left with a lot of time for wallowing in self-pity. The most difficult times were after the boys and mother went to bed, when the house was quiet and she was left alone with her thoughts. At first, she had spent most nights in the gazebo. The cold, wintery evening air chilling her to the core, with only the hope that Lee would have come to his senses, return home and beg her forgiveness to keep her warm.
That hope had quickly died after the first two-weeks of his 'overseas assignment.' Mr. Melrose had tried to convince her that he was the only agent for the job, but she knew that it was all part of Lee's master plan to sever ties with her; to make a clean break from her and their relationship.
How perfect for him that his assignment just happened to be half a world away from her and required 'zero contact' except for his daily check-ins with their section chief. Leaving her to deal with . . . well, everything that had happened. She mentally shook the thoughts from her head as she saw Francine heading her way from across the bullpen.
"Good morning, Francine." Amanda smiled sweetly, preparing for the usual snide comments from her peer. She poured herself a cup of coffee, adding sugar as she felt the blonde agent's eyes watching her.
"Morning, Amanda. Billy wants to see you and your partner before you head over to State."
Amanda twisted her watch around to check the time. "It's going to have to wait until after my appointment with Dr. Quidd." At Francine's obvious look of pity, Amanda pressed on. "But I'll be sure Willie and I stop by and see Mr. Melrose before leaving. Thank you for letting me know, Francine. I need to go if I'm going to make that appointment." She turned and rushed out the double doors of the bullpen before Francine could respond, but could hear the blonde agent mumble something about being a 'motor mouth.'
SMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMK
You couldn't have loved me better
But, I want you to move on
So, I'm already gone
Amanda entered the small corner office located on the fourth floor and glanced at the old-fashioned clock sitting on the cherry bookshelf that lined the entire back wall of the room. "Right on time," she sighed.
"Mrs. King –" Dr. Quidd called as he entered his office. He closed the door behind him and took a seat across from her.
"Doctor, I thought we agreed you would call me 'Amanda'? I mean, I've been meeting with you weekly for the past two and a half months."
"You're right, we did." He smiled warmly at her. "So, Amanda, how often are you experiencing the flashbacks now?"
"Definitely less than I was. But they just sneak up on you, you know? I can be having a normal conversation with someone and something is said, or I hear a noise and like that," she snapped her fingers, "I'm right back in that white-paneled room with him." She shrugged. "Am I ever going to be normal again?"
"First of all, you are normal, Amanda. Secondly, you just said they have been happening less frequently, right?" At her nod, he continued. "There will come a time when you won't have them anymore. It just takes time."
"I know. I just wish I could fast forward and get to that part. I don't want to have all these feelings anymore." She could hear the longing in her voice and mentally reprimanded herself for letting her emotions show. 'A good agent compartmentalizes and never lets their emotions show,' she reminded herself.
"Amanda?"
She looked up in surprise. "I'm sorry, what was that, Doctor?"
"What feelings, Amanda?"
"Um, you know the fear and having no control - over my emotions," she added quickly and immediately wished she would have made it sound more believable.
"What is it you haven't faced yet, Amanda?"
"What do you mean? I've told you everything, Doctor. How I felt when I was being held by Birol, how I felt after . . ." she trailed off not wanting him to delve any deeper.
"After Agent Stetson mounted a one-man rescue mission to get you back." He eyed her carefully.
"Yes."
"Yet, in all of our sessions, Agent Stetson's participation in all this has never been discussed. Whenever I've attempted to bring him into the conversation you've sidestepped me and pushed the discussion in another direction. Why is that, Amanda? Are you protecting him?"
"No," she blurted out.
"Who are you protecting then? Yourself?"
When her head snapped up she was certain that he saw the haunted look in her eyes before she had a chance to conceal it. If she confided in the good doctor . . . If anyone knew, it would eventually get back to . . . him.
"What are you protecting yourself from, Amanda?"
She sat ramrod straight and played with an errant thread hanging off the arm of the chair. She breathed evenly, careful to remain calm.
"I see. So, Agent Stetson plays a more prominent role in your life than just your partner? That certainly would explain his anxiety when you were taken." He nodded and scribbled in his notepad.
"Not anymore." Her voice cracked and she mentally berated herself for showing a crack in her armor.
"What do you mean, 'not anymore'?"
"He left me." Three simple words, but they said so much. Somehow saying them aloud had broken the dam. "Every part of him has been ripped from me." The sobbing that followed was both cathartic and painful. While it felt good to release the emotions that she'd bottled up over the course of the last two months, it upset her to give him that much power over her. He left her at a time when she needed him most. How could she miss him? How could her heart betray her and want him back?
"So, he was . . ." His voice trailed off as she let out a sigh and nodded.
Her session with Dr. Quidd was extended an additional hour as they worked through Amanda's myriad of emotions. At the end of the session, she had felt completely drained and stopped into the ladies room to pull herself together and regain some semblance of control of her emotions. It was time to compartmentalize once again like the good little agent she was.
