"So... I have to ask. Why am I here?"
Perry's question went unanswered by the three other occupants in the locker room.
"No, seriously, why am I here? Guys?"
WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS PERRY
Neo tutted in disappointment as she wrote out her response.
WE'RE COMPETING IN THE VYTAL FESTIVAL TOURNAMENT BECAUSE IT WILL PROBABLY BE A HOOT
"No, I got that part," Perry shook his head, "I mean, I really wish I didn't get it, but I got it. What I don't understand is why I'm here," he pointed at himself, "I am, like, the least combat-oriented person in the entire White - er, Brown, White and Pink fang," he corrected hastily, "Any half-baked student is going to tear me apart. Are you trying to get me killed?"
OF COURSE NOT
Neo looked offended.
JUST A LITTLE BIT MAIMED
Perry opened his mouth to argue, then drooped, defeated. "I hate my life."
THEN YOU SHOULD THINK OF IT AS A GOOD THING THAT YOU'RE SO CONFIDENT OF LOSING IT
Neo responded cheerfully.
I AM AMAZING AT SOLVING PEOPLE'S PROBLEMS
She looked inordinately pleased with herself.
TRULY I AM THE ULTIMATE PEOPLE PERSON
Her smile then dropped to a confused frown.
THOUGH I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY I HAVE THIS FOREBODING FEELING
She thought about it some more, then shrugged.
AH WELL, LETS GO OUT AND DO BAD THINGS TO STUPID PEOPLE, TEAM
With that, the three competitors plus one left the locker room with varying levels of enthusiasm.
Earlier that day:
"Everyone. I'm sure you're wondering why I called you here."
General Ironwood had called his entire command staff together for a strategy meeting. The captains of the various vessels, the officers on the ground, and several faces from the Specialist division.
"The fact is, we're facing a new threat. A different kind of threat. One that logistics and ordinance can not necessarily overcome," the General began grimly, "That threat is the Brown, White and Pink Fang. With their generally non-violent approach to getting... well, basically whatever they want, there is little we can do to stop them without losing the war on public opinion, which, as we all know, we already have... difficulties, with."
The Captain of Blue One, a moustached, dark-skinned man, raised his hand. "Permission to speak freely, sir."
"Granted."
"Sir," the Captain began, "If they are not an actual threat to the safety of civilians any more, why do we need to stop them? Isn't Faunus equality a good thing, the methods they previously used to try and attain it aside?"
"Oh dear," a new voice pitched in, and all eyes turned to the man who had formerly been a prisoner aboard Blue Two, "Better get rid of that one quick, Jimmy. He's got common sense."
"Be quiet until I have explained your presence here," Ironwood snapped, before turning back to the captain, "As for your question, captain... while your point of view is understandable, I will point out the major strategic picture, here. How do the Brown, White and Pink Fang go about their campaign?"
"By annoying people and making them miserable," the captain replied promptly.
"Precisely - but more importantly, they are extremely efficient at it," Ironwood continued, "They can regularly make large numbers of people extremely frustrated, annoyed, and despondent. I'm sure I do not need to spell out to you all how dangerous this state of affairs is with regard to the Grimm."
The captain nodded in understanding. "I see. Forgive my impertinence, General."
"There is nothing to forgive, Captain," Ironwood shook his head, "It was a valid question. Now, the main question on all of your minds, is, no doubt, 'What will we do about it? Now, desperate times call for desperate measures... and we need a means to shut down this 'Neopolitan' in her own field of battle. With that in mind, I approached our former prisoner, Roman Torchwick."
"Let the General finish his speech before you start applauding," Roman deadpanned, "He worked on that for an entire five minutes."
"...As I was saying," Ironwood continued through gritted teeth, "Roman worked with Neopolitan very closely. He knows how she operates. He knows how to get under her skin. Most importantly, he knows how to shut her down for good."
"Which is why I'm currently standing out here, and not, you know, cooped up in that little cell," Roman interrupted, "Don't worry, though - Roman Torchwick knows how to stick to a bargain. Just make sure I get what I want and this will all be over before you know it," he grinned, sliding up to one of the specialists in particular, "Speaking of which... hello, beautiful! I can definitely see why they'd want to keep you visible when you're aboard. Hell, if I'd known how good you looked in real life, I wouldn't have even demanded my hat back to join up. What do you say we go for dinner, hmm?"
Winter Schnee gave him a look. She then turned to the General. "General Ironwood, Sir."
"...Yes, Specialist Schnee?" Ironwood asked hesitantly.
"Permission to kill him, Sir."
Roman blinked.
"Permission denied," the General shook his head, "I apologise, Specialist, but as it stands, we need him."
"Yeah," Roman stroked his chin, "You need me. I could get used to hearing that."
"Sir," Winter raised her hand again.
"Yes, Specialist?"
"Permission to kill him just a little bit, sir."
"Permission denied, Specialist," Ironwood replied tiredly, "We may need him in one piece as well."
"Really, Specialist Schnee," Roman grinned, "Did nobody ever teach you that no means no?"
"General Ironwood, Sir."
"...Yes, Schnee?" Ironwood finally replied.
"Sir, what if," Winter began seriously, "I said 'pretty please'."
Ironwood stroked his chin in contemplation of the offer. "...That almost swung it, but the answer is still no, Schnee."
There was a moment of silence.
"Sir."
"Schnee."
"Damn it, Sir."
"I know, Schnee. I know."
"If you two are done having your pity party," Roman interrupted, "I'll tell you what I need. I need to be in a position where as many people as possible can enjoy the dulcet tones that emerge from my voice-box. Anyone got any ideas?"
Ironwood frowned, as he took in the three-dimensional image of Amity Colosseum that floated above the table. "I may have one, yes."
"And now, for the moment all of you, with your complete lack of better and more meaningful things to do, have been waiting for! Ladies and Gentlemen, we're here at the Vytal Festival tournament, and let me tell you, this fight? It's going to really, really suck."
Ruby scratched her head as she listened from the stands. "Uh... guys? Why does the commentator sound like Roman Torchwick?"
"Because the commentator is Roman Torchwick," Weiss frowned, "Why on earth would they let him out for something like this?"
"Well, there's a bit of a history of villains reforming themselves recently," Blake mused, "And for all his faults, he is an excellent public speaker."
"Of course, as you're already aware, I'm your amazing commentator, Roman Torchwick! Please, no flowers... seriously, I really, really hate flowers. And, of course, with me is my lovely co-host who simply can't admit that she's madly in love with me -"
"Yes, well," another voice said dryly, "My mother taught me never to lie."
"Who's th-" Ruby's question turned to a squeak as her partner jumped out of her seat.
"THAT'S MY SISTER!" Weiss squealed, jumping up and down and waving wildly as everyone who knew her stared in shock, "WINTER! DOWN HERE! WINTER! CAN YOU SEE ME? WINTER!"
"Oh my word," Roman's voice sounded amused over the speakers, "I can literally hear her from up here. That's gotta be embarrassing."
There was a loud sigh. "Yes, Weiss. I can see you. Now sit back down, please, before you make an even bigger fool of yourself in front of the entire world."
"OKAY, WINTER!"
"As I was saying," Roman continued, "My co-host, and minder, whom I now completely sympathise with for leaving home and joining the military, Winter Schnee! Anyways, there's a match on. For those of you just tuning in who don't know the rules, I'm not going to explain them again, because why would I do that? Seriously, can you think of any reason why I would do that, Winter?"
"I can't fathom the reasoning behind anything that you do, so I fail to see why this should be any different."
"Exactly," Roman agreed, "Anyway, let's return to the match between Team MOOK, of Haven, and team... NPWA of the Brown, White and Pink Fang? What the hell kind of team name is NPWA? Only an idiot with a height complex could come up with a team name that didn't even fit the colour rule."
THOSE BASTARDS
Neo shook in silent fury as she scribbled on her whiteboard.
THEY ACTUALLY LET HIM OUT JUST TO SCREW WITH ME
She stamped her foot for emphasis.
AND IT'S NOT LIKE I HAD MANY OPTIONS, HOW THE HELL DO YOU MAKE A COLOUR OUT OF THOSE LETTERS AND WHO EVEN CAME UP WITH THAT STUPID, BANAL RULE ANYWAY
In his office, Ozpin inserted another coin into the box on his desk marked 'colour rule whiners' and gave a satisfied sip of his coffee.
"Are you done?!" cried a plain-looking boy opposite her.
SHUT UP CLIVE
The whiteboard rebuked him.
He looked confused. "But my name isn't Clive."
Neo, on the other hand, was not in the mood for an argument.
IT F***ING IS NOW
"You - you can't just rename people!" Clive protested, "It's bad enough you're not even from a proper school, but can you at least take this seriously?"
His rant was cut off by the loud noise of an over-sized boot connecting with the floor behind him. Gulping, he turned around.
"But we are from a school. Haven't you heard?" The large, heavily-muscled, masked man leaned in menacingly, "We're from the School of Hard Knocks. A very prominent school that taught us all kinds of useful lessons."
He revved up his chainsaw. "And unfortunately for you, Clive... when it comes to education, we're of a mind to share."
Neo managed to calm down somewhat as the screaming brutality began. She then turned to Perry, who was standing beside her, looking equal parts lost and terrified.
YOU KNOW, TO THIS DAY I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY HIS PARENTS NAMED HIM WHITE FANG LIEUTENANT
She shook her head.
I MEAN, TALK ABOUT MAKING YOUR KID'S LIFE DECISIONS FOR HIM
Her expression then changed.
ON THE OTHER HAND, AT LEAST HE NOW HAS THE INFINITELY BETTER NAME OF BROWN, WHITE AND PINK FANG CAPTAIN
She gave a content nod.
LET IT NEVER BE SAID THAT I DON'T OFFER OPPORTUNITIES FOR CAREER ADVANCEMENT
"That's great and all," Perry asked nervously, looking around, "But where are the other three team members?"
RELAX, PERRY, YOU SCAREDY CAT
"Not a cat faunus."
RACISM IS FINE WHEN I DO IT
Neo replied instantly.
ANYWAY, THE OTHER THREE ARE GIRLS
Perry visibly relaxed. "Ah, okay. Adam's got this?"
The written agreement appeared on the board.
ADAM'S GOT THIS
Meanwhile, over at the other side of the arena:
"But I'm a big believer in make love, not war, you know what I mean?" Adam said smoothly to the three girls as they sat around him, "Why would I want to fight a group of beautiful women like you? I can think of much better ways of spending the time. Like, say, I could buy you all dinner - being high up in the Brown, White and Pink fang comes with it's perks, you know... and then, maybe when that's done, we can go on a long walk on the beach... and I can play guitar," he finished, flicking his hair back with one hand.
The three girls fainted in romantic bliss.
"And that is officially the worst triple knock-out that has ever happened in the history of this tournament!" Roman's voice announced over the speakers. "As expected from a sub-par team, of course."
Meanwhile, in the stands:
"What. What. What. What. What. What. What..." Blake said blankly, rocking back and forth in her chair.
SO SUB PAR THAT I BASICALLY TOOK OVER THE WORLD, YOU HAS-BEEN
Neo shook her whiteboard angrily at the commentary box.
"I'm sorry? What was that? I can't see what you wrote from all the way up here," Roman replied, "A phenomenon that you'd think I'd be used to by now when it comes to interacting with you."
"Ooh," Perry noted, "Burn."
Neo glared at him.
SHUT UP PERRY I'VE GOT THIS
She turned back to the commentary box.
I'M AMAZED THAT YOU CAN SEE ANYTHING AT ALL CONSIDERING YOU WEAR MORE EYE-LINER THAN I DO
"What can I say? The higher the quality of your features, the more maintenance is required."
OR THE WORSE YOUR FEATURES LOOK, THE MORE YOU NEED TO COVER THEM UP WITH CHEMICALS AND STUPID HATS
"Stupid as it may be, my hat still managed to be the second most intelligent part of our dynamic, after me of course."
WHAT DYNAMIC, ALL YOU DID WAS STAND AROUND WHILE I GOT EVERYTHING DONE
"That's what having expendable minions is all about, my dear! The fact that you fail to recognise this speaks volumes about your leadership skills."
Meanwhile, in the stands:
"I feel like I'm watching the world's most public breakup," Yang's head turned from side to side as insults were exchanged, "I never thought I'd be rooting for Torchwick."
"I don't know," Weiss hummed, "I think Neo has the right of it. Relationships should be about give and take."
"I'm not really sure we should root for either of them, considering they've both tried to kill us," Ruby said reasonably. Weiss and Yang stared at her. "What? It's true."
"What. What. What. What. What..."
"So, in the interest of having the last word, I'm going to say this match is over, a rather droll affair, but I'm sure that's what we'll all come to expect from this team in the next few rounds, if they even make it. I was your host, Roman Torchwick, and with me is my lovely Co-Host, Winter Schnee -"
"I do not know what I contributed to this situation at all."
"Ah, always the joker, now if you'd all please exit the stands as soon as possible, because I honestly can't stand the sight of you all. Adios."
WHAT
Neo stamped.
NO YOU DON'T
She shook her whiteboard angrily.
YOU CAN'T JUST TAKE THE LAST WORD
People began to filter out.
ANSWER ME YOU GINGER DRUG DEALER
"Boss," Perry said hesitantly, "Maybe you should cut your losses with this one. It's getting a bit embarrassing."
Neo turned to him, eyes literally white with anger. She stared at him for a long moment, before angrily turning around and stomping out of the arena.
Neo simmered with fury as she stomped through the fairgrounds.
Thinking about her new predicament and how to counter it, she was unprepared to suddenly find herself accosted by Team RWBY, with the absolute last member she'd expect to be leading the charge.
"YOU!"
Neo blinked, anger fading away for mildly interested confusion.
I SEE YOU HAVE DISCOVERED THE MEANING OF LIFE
She gave a polite clap.
WELL DONE BLAKE
"What... how... what the hell happened to Adam?" Blake demanded.
Neo blinked.
YOU HAVE LOST ME, COMRADE
She tilted her head in confusion.
WHAT ABOUT HIM
"He's not... not..." Blake struggled to find the right words.
"Edgy?" Ruby suggested. Everyone looked at her. "What, we were all thinking it."
OH, THAT
Neo nodded in understanding.
TURNS OUT THAT GETTING LAID SEVERAL HUNDRED TIMES WITH ALMOST EVERY WOMAN IN A LARGE PARANNOYANCE ORGANISATION CAN REALLY MELLOW A GUY OUT
She shrugged.
WHO KNEW
"What? You have got to be kidding me," Blake complained miserably.
I HAVEN'T GOT TO BE ANYTHING BUT FANTASTIC
"I could have solved, like, ninety percent of the problems in my life if I'd just figured out how to be a better goddamn wingman," Blake wailed, ignoring the content of Neo's whiteboard, "I need to go home and re-think my life choices."
"You could have asked Nora," Ruby pointed out helpfully. Everyone stared at her again. "Well, she could," she said defensively, "Why do you all keep staring at me whenever I say things?"
There was a moment of silence.
"...Guys?"
The wind blew.
"...No, seriously, this is starting to weird me out."
