Ichigo had to escape from them. Tempting as they were, he had to just run away and leave them. He'd gone for a run, had a shower and then tried to distract himself with the play station before trying to unpack some of the boxes.
He'd given up midway through the afternoon and had stared at the ceiling until he had decided to give into his craving for a beer.
Now there they were, sitting tauntingly in front of him, forcing him to relive every single moment of the relationship that had been ended for good the minute she'd let her insecurities take a hold of her after their final argument. He didn't want to open them; he didn't want to know what she had written, if they were written over time or if they were written all at once.
"Screw it." He muttered under his breath. It couldn't hurt to read one. Just one. To see what one of the letters were about. To see what was written on the pages.
Setting his beer down on the scarred table, Ichigo reached over hesitantly and pulled the box over to him.
Remembering what Matsumoto had said about starting at the top. He kept them inside a box, tied tightly enough for him to resist it. To make the past only a memory to him but their memories could possibly be inside it. He shouldn't let it go so quickly yet. Damn. Ichigo flipped open the lid. Staring down at the first envelope, he cautiously reached down and slid it out from under the string that tied the bundle together and pulled it out of the box.
For a moment he only stared at the white envelope with his name written on the front in her neat handwriting.
Taking a deep breath, he flipped it over and slid his finger under the flap. Pulling it open, he pulled out two lined sheets and unfolded them. Picking up his beer, he took one large gulp before setting it back down and beginning to read the letter.
Dear Ichigo…
I'm sure you have realized that it's been 5 years already since we last saw each other. I hope you still remember how I look though, I'm still 4'11 tall so don't worry. I haven't changed physically but I'm guessing you have except for your hair, unless you dyed it black this time. I hope you didn't, orange just suits you fine. It's what attracted me most about you so just stay who you are. I'm writing inside my room in the Kuchiki manor and it's where I've been staying since I left home, meaning Karakura. It was that night where you just walked out because you were too upset with me and I understand that, but that wasn't was I was asking.
Do you still remember that night?
I know that's probably not what you expected from this letter, which is why I'm going to wait to give it to you. But I don't think I'd be able to give to you personally anytime soon yet, I don't think it's sunk in for you or me. I know when I bring this up, when I point out to you that we're not going to survive after we leave this cocoon of safety that you're going to argue with me. That we're probably going to have our biggest argument yet and while I know it's coming, I don't want our friendship ruined by a fight about whether we can survive what's coming. You only didn't give me a chance to tell you why I really had to leave that night; you really need to take some anger management classes you know that? I hope someone had already told you that besides me.
I want you to remember what came before tonight. What happened when we first met, do you remember? I saw the determination in your eyes on how you wanted to save Karin and Yuzu from that hollow and I began to think that, if any man could risk it all for me just to keep me alive like you would with your family, then I know to myself that he's the one. I'd never let him go no matter what happens. I wanted someone to make me feel special, treat me like I'm someone who's alive and not as a dead spirit. I still have feelings you know and I got the chance to see that in you when you saved me before the minute of execution along with our friends, how you stood there in front me with a cape being superman and telling me that you'd save my ass from hell. I have to say, I was pissed at first because you didn't listen to me but you only proved something that time and I didn't want to believe it because it was so cliché but I'd face it somehow. You'd risk everything for me just like your sisters. I actually meant something to someone and out of all people, it had to be you. I figured that you weren't ever going to be interested in me after that first meeting because of the major commotion I've caused you guys. But you proved me wrong, so wrong.
I don't quite understand how you managed to do it Ichigo, I think it was the first time you and I ever had a serious conversation that I knew this was something different. I wasn't so shy around you and I'm always so comfortable. But even the shyness and comfort was eclipsed by what you made me feel. Butterflies, sparks, a rush of teenage hormones. All those made you so very different and then, somehow, I found that those feelings had combined into that all encompassing feeling of love. I was in love with you and, to my surprise; I found that you were in love with me too.
That's when I knew I wanted to take away from the time I was still stationed as shinigami in Karakura after the winter war. I wanted to take away the months we were together and in love. I don't know if it was the real love that everyone talks about or wishes for, but what I know is that those months were so real for me. Especially when you kissed me for the first time, it was just you and me, with the full moon lighting us as you kissed me on that shoreline, with the water making the soothing sound as it lapped against the shore. You were happy and I was happy and I know you'll never forget that either.
I wanted to take it with me when I leave because I already told you that it wasn't suppose to be forever, it wasn't even supposed to happen but who could fake it? We saw it coming; we knew how we felt so why pretend that it wasn't even there when it really was. That night when I tried to break up with you, I knew you'd be stubborn to listen but I did that because I didn't want you to get hurt as much as you already were at that time. We kept out relationship a secret from our friends but eventually, they'd still find out and they did. So would Soul Society, so I had to do something to keep you safe. They won't approve of us Ichigo, you know that and if they knew, they'd take me away like last time being far away from you and I can't take that. I don't want any boundaries, I want to be free. I'm not perfect Ichigo, I still make mistakes and I made a huge one when I left that night but I only wished that you listened for what I had to say.
People forget what you say, and people forget what you do, but people never forget how you made them feel. I love you Ichigo, you made me feel that and I'm never going to forget it. I hope that you never forget that I made you feel love too; I hope that no matter what you forget, you never forget we loved each other.
Rukia
Present Time- Soul Society
"Did you give him the letters?" she asked softly and was amused when Matsumoto jumped as high as drink would make her drunk than ever.
"Yeah. He seemed reluctant at first but you know how I do things" she said and Rukia glanced at the brightly lit house behind her and, much to Matsumoto's surprise, seemed to deflate slightly. She turned back to her and Matsumoto waited for her to speak as she sunk herself with more wine
"Nii-sama's here already. It's been months since he came home, it's a surprise to have him here without any notice" Rukia said and Matsumoto turned back to her, grinning as she took a sip from her drink.
"They've been on that mission for months now. Your brother's been pretty busy, I'm glad he still finds some time for you despite the hollows" She said casually and nearly choked on a laugh when Rukia choked on her drink at her sentence.
She narrowed her eyes at her making a face that was no doubt Matsumoto could ever understand. Though she was vice captain, she barely understood anything with alcohol around, "Time? He hardly even has any for himself. What more of his adopted sister? I'd take it as a miracle if he suddenly asks me out on a picnic with just the two of us together"
"It's possible, if Ichigo can do it then why not Byakuya? Men are still peoples too" Matsumoto saw her eyes brighten considerably at her words and wondered why they had such an effect on her when all she had done was save her the embarrassment of explaining herself.
She knew that everyone was worried about Rukia and she honestly wished that they wouldn't. She supposed telling them to not worry about her was asking a bit much, seeing as she had left him and she had simply pushed on with work and being a shinigami and ignored the fact that she had stopped going back to the home they had somehow made in the craziness that was their life before she'd upped and left.
It hadn't been a normal response to something that was ultimately devastating, especially seeing as he didn't know why Rukia had left. She had been told by her brother that she should have been tormented, demanding and emotional not collected, silent and blank.
"I wouldn't be surprised." Rukia said and for a moment it was silent and Matsumoto, instead of looking at the girl in front of her, glancing upwards towards the inky black sky. The breeze stirred again and she was once again assaulted with her smell. Strawberry. It was the one thing that made her felt connected to him; everything about that piece of fruit could will herself to move even without him physically with her because the significance of it was just enough.
"Why didn't you give it to him yourself? Wouldn't that make things better for the both of you since this brawl is going nowhere for the past 5 years?"
Rukia looked at her as if she said anything sincere. She was right, if she gave them herself despite of her injuries in the last mission weeks ago, she could control that pain then the one she'd been trying to suppress inside her little sealed box filled with letters. There were still tons of them inside her room but if Ichigo decided to read them all, it'll only make their past haunt him, making him guilty.
"It isn't a brawl Matsumoto", she tried to say "I'm sure his anger would divulge once he starts to read what I have to say. We're only…misunderstanding that's all"
"Same thing. You guys are being nitwits. No pun intended" She nearly winced at her lame attempt to lighten the mood and was glad that Rukia laughed at her. And looked at her to why she was laughing even though Matsumoto wouldn't laugh at it herself
"I'm only being stupid about this. Ichigo's the very first guy I've really loved and those months we spent that I thought would be forever just…slipped away. And I made that happen, I ended what we once cherished together and I'm totally fucking myself for it. I'm just more of an idiot than he is. I shouldn't cry over him anymore, it's been years and I'm a Kuchiki, I can't go sentimental" Rukia shook her head, not knowing what to say and ignoring the quiver in her voice as she felt the truth strike deep. It was like the first time, it really hurts.
"Isn't awkward for us to be talking about this when you're already—"
"Don't bring it up, Matsumoto"
"But—"
"Just don't. It's hell enough that I have to handle another dilemma" There was no curiosity in her voice as she stated the fact and Rukia felt annoyance at it even as she shook her head.
"Technically, it's not your fault. You could've only talked about it first with your brother before he decides to make you a wife to a person you utterly have no idea about. Marriage is for lovers, not strangers" Matsumoto corrected and she only raised an eyebrow, as if she was stating something she already knew and Rukia found that she probably did know. There was something about her that told her she didn't miss any minute detail. It felt weird to her that she was having this conversation with someone who's already drunk but made complete sense in the end.
"I still know one thing about him" Rukia said with little pride knowing she still had little knowledge
"And that he's a noble like you, right?"
"At least not adopted" It was evenly said, coolly dismissed and the brunette only lifted a brow.
She'd settled in. It had been difficult at first, her stubbornness, tenaciousness and honesty hadn't made it easy for people to get close or for her to let someone in. But when Rangiku Matsumoto, vice captain of the 10th division and seductive brunette, had announced that they were going to be good friends, Rukia had gone with the flow. She actually felt like someone understood her and she did. She really does. "You're demented. You don't even love him. You love Ichigo, still. So why are you letting other people control your life? You're the girl who freakin' has the will and the body to do so"
"Are you drunk already?" Rukia asked oddly
"I think so, I feel a bit woozy. Why?"
The straight line curled on Rukia's face when she considered Rangiku already to be even if she didn't know herself, "You speak…not like you at all. I'm not used to it"
"Drink with me more often then you'll see why everyone wants to be my drinking buddy. It's really fun, I promise"
"Whatever"
A Kuchiki. That's what she has always been and she'd been proud. Admiring her brother, she strived to be stronger, better and articulate in everything but drinking in the middle of the night slipped away all those ideas in her head. Other things were much important to her and it included her betrothal to a man she had no clue about and that was just stupid. She was stupid. Her constant feelings to this person compared nothing to what she had for Kurosaki Ichigo, and practically to her, he was her everything. Inoue's and Ichigo's relationship only lasted one month, but that month was the worst time for Rukia She had to see them making out in the corridors of school, she had to hear how excited he explained to their friends the last date he'd had with Inoue, she had to hear how one of three words that left Ichigo's mouth was "Inoue" for sure.
It all happened before they even started to be together and it was Rukia's most hated inferno.
And still that wasn't the worst; the worst part was the fact that they weren't talking at all.
She began to ignore him – he didn't look for her.
He was too absorbed in his new relationship that he forgot everything about Rukia; maybe she was the one to blame because she was the one ignoring him, but still he, as her best friend, shouldn't have been more interested in what was wrong? Shouldn't have he asked her what the fuck her problem was?
Yes he should have.
No he didn't.
Things changed when he realized that he couldn't talk with his girlfriend, or with anyone for that matter, in the same deep way he talked with her; there were no secrets with Rukia, because she knew him better than himself. With her around, he could talk about whatever he wanted or needed to talk about because she always listened to him; it wasn't an effort for her though, she was more than pleased to be the shoulder where he could cry on, the owner of the arms that could envelope him making him feel better in no time, the one that always knew what to say for him to feel okay again.
"So…" Matsumoto's voice mused lightly and Rukia was silent as the thoughts still rendered with her, "What are you going to do about it now? After he reads those letters, he'll just keep them inside a box like you did and everything will end there"
"You're right," She nodded, as though the seriousness of the issue could not be expressed enough, "It'll end there and he'll start to forget everything again. It's better that way. It's been 5 years, we can't go back to what we've once been because this is what I'm meant for, I'll always be just be a dead spirit and him, a human as long as he gets. It's all behind us now"
"Are you serious about this Rukia? Are you willing to marry the guy?"
She nodded. That was all Matsumoto needed for an answer, she knew that Rukia was brilliant in everything but not so brilliant when a certain orange-haired man screwed in her mind and dug deep within her heart.
Present Time- Karakura Town
Ichigo couldn't believe the memory of it anymore. Blowing out a breathe he settled the letter back inside the box and vaulted his back to the couch, positioning his body to a much more comfortable position. He remembered that last night too clearly to deny the fact that the love they had for each other hadn't ended up haunting them.
It had. It had haunted them for nearly 5 years and damned if he hadn't wanted to throw it away when he was fifteen and never think of it again. It was just his hard luck that she had stayed in his mind for five years, his hard luck that their lives had become intertwined over and over again as they moved forward into the people they were today. It was just his hard luck that she had upped and left him just as he'd finally thought they'd come to the end of their saga.
It was his hard luck that this box of letters sat in front of him, telling him her side when all he wanted to do was forget. He grabbed his beer and took another gulp, savoring its taste as the liquid melted into his mouth. He'd read one letter. Wasn't that enough? Did he need to read the rest and find out what her eighteen year old self had thought? What her twenty year old self thought? There was no doubt there was one of those, Ichigo thought with a smirk. Even he remembered what had happened when she was twenty.
Did he want to remember the years between then and now, reading as her feelings changed and she became the person she was today?
Even as his head told him to go to bed, to shut off for more than a couple of hours, he was taking another swig of his beer and sitting back down in the chair he'd left only minutes ago. He knew it was bad idea to read another one. He was well aware that it would probably do more harm than good in the long run but Ichigo couldn't help it.
Because if the letters were the only thing he had left of her then he had to know if the answer to living him were in there somewhere. He needed to have something of her left. Something he could take out and read once in a while even as he wandered.
"You have got to be out of your mind, Kurosaki" He muttered scathingly to himself. Taking another sip of beer, he slid the first letter back into its faded envelope and then carefully placed it face down on the table.
Reaching for the next one, Ichigo took it out. He noted that it was as old as the first one and the edge of the envelope had been worried a bit, like someone had bent and unbent it while thinking. Smiling slightly as he imagined her doing that, Ichigo opened the envelope and pulled out another two pages of writing. Taking a deep breath, he unfolded the pages and began to read.
Dear Ichigo…
It's been so long since I last updated! There are parts in this chapter that I've removed and saving it for the next one instead. There ARE grammatical errors, I just know it and I'm leaving it up to YOU with the constructive criticisms. It'll sure help me a lot to improve!
So please do leave me A REVIEW. They mean a lot.
Thanks!
Moonshine79
