He immediately thought back to Stanford.
It was his morning-haunting.
Jessica, how he'd let an innocent person die.
His friends, how he'd just deserted them.
His future, how he'd thrown it all away in a flash.
All for Dean.
Everything was for him.
Sam was supposed to be the smart one, but instead of appreciating every moment he had with Dean, he had run, run away to college.
Real smart. He'd run from his feelings & he knew that. Forced feelings of 'love' onto Jess. Forced emotions in general. But even then he was dead without Dean. So how was he supposed to cope now?
When he'd told Dean and Dad that he was leaving their faces were exact opposite, John was furious, it was betrayal, Sam didn't care about Mary. Dean was crushed. He composed himself quickly, but Sam had seen it and he nearly said forget it. But that night Dean whispered 'I'm proud of you Sammy', when he thought Sam was asleep.
Plus if Dean hated him for leaving that was okay. But if Dean knew how he felt, FEELS, about him, well he would hate Sam forever. And ever. Plus a few thousand millenia. Then a couple more just for good measure.
Sam clung to that now, knowing it was right not to tell Dean how he was sickly in love with him. Somehow it was okay if Dean hated him for reasons Sam could control, but if Dean hated him for how much he loved his big brother, that would be worse than hell.
Which was exactly where Dean had walked right into, just to keep Sam alive.
"This is such a mess..." Sam groaned into his hands.
~~~
Dean had known that if Sammy had felt anywhere near what he felt for his little brother, then it would be torture if he found out Dean had made the deal, which is why he tried (and failed) to keep it a secret.
It seemed he failed at anything to protect his baby brother...who he just happened to want to kiss...and...stuff.
He couldn't live without his little brother. He'd wanted ten long years with him, but instead he'd had one. One short year that dissappeared quickly between girls legs, (had to keep up image didn't he.
So as he suffered in hell he had no regrets, knowing his brother could finally move on and be happy, no hunting, forget the apocolypse, he could just have a nice normal life. Even though Sammy wasn't like that Dean hoped he'd read him wrong, hoped Sammy could be happy, even if it was until the end of the world.
But somewhere between the 25-30th years some bastard had been sent downstairs, and told him in the past 3 months how badly Sammy had been living. He hadn't even given up hunting, just going on a self-destruct course. Muttering to himself at bars about some 'Dean.
Well Dean figured that hell was like jail; get out on good behaviour. So he became what he hated most.
He tortured souls. He became a monster. All in the name of Sam. All in the hopes that one day he could drag himself up from hell and tell his baby brother to stop being stupid, and live a little.
Maybe those wouldn't be his exact words. But somewhere close to that.
Imagine Dean's surprise when and Angel pulled him out (okay so he didn't know at the time it was an angel, that'd come a bit later)? Shock and relief were amongst the many emotions threatening to blow up his mind.
He's shamed to say the first thing he did after...coming back, was jerking off. Seriously, 40 years was enough. He NEEDED some release. He was horrified at his actions, but not as much as he maybe should have been, after all he only did it to see Sam. Not entirely sure where his logic came from, but he still gave it a shot.
~~~
Sam's phone had a message from a hunter he had met at the roadhouse months and months ago. Something about werewolfs and vampires. Nearly 90 miles away but he had time to kill, like his whole life.
He started the Impala, but he had to stop for gas about 15 miles down the road.
The light in the gas station flickered and the country-style radio station went fuzzy. Sam sprung instantly into action and within twenty minutes the situation was under control:
The spirit of a 6 year old girl was making things fall off shelves, and just wreaking havoc in general, trying to get attention, apparently unaware she had died. It turned out she had died when her uncle accidently left the handbrake off and the car rolled backwards as she stretched her legs on the curb.
Sam quickly made contact (she was eager to show herself) and convinced her she was dead, she cried for a bit and moved on. Sam got his gas and about half the snacks in the store for free.
"Just in a days work." He said to the grateful shop-assistant, who was smiling at him with a wattage so high he swore he could feel his skin tanning. He smiled back half-heartedly and stepped into the weak sunlight of mid-september.
His bags hit the floor.
~~~
He instantly regretted not wearing a jacket. He watched his brother enter the shop and panic rose in him as the lights flickered. He almost rushed in but restrained himself, watching in awe as his brother expertly dealt with the situation.
Dean laughed as the girl flirted with his Sammy. 'No chance' passed through his mind.
When Sam turned around Dean was sure he'd collapse, for one his brother's new gaunt, haunted look did nothing to detract from his startling beauty, which was nearly enough to make Dean collapse, from worry more than anything else, but also the expression on his face was just about the funniest thing Dean had seen in 40 years. Okay a puppy being kicked would've been funnier than anything he'd seen in the last 40 years. Not the point though.
"What?" Dean said jovially, throwing his arms open, as Sammy dropped the shopping bags in disbelief, "No hug?" he grinned maniacally at his little brother who looked like he'd just dropped his brains on the floor along with his junk food.
Bags forgotten Sam sprinted towards his dead brother and tackled him to the ground. For a few blissful moments everything wrong with the world was forgotten, as they hugged fiercely, half kneeling half falling. Dean had tears in his eyes and Sam's were already dribbling down his face as he clung tightly to his big brother.
"You've been taking good care of her..." Dean nodded appreciatively at the Impala, to which Sam muttered, 'knew you'd kill me if I didn't', "but what about yourself?" concern was obvious in his eyes and Sam's shoulders sagged a little.
"Neither have you." The younger retorted, badly attempting to distract his big brother. Dean scoffed.
"I've been in hell for the past 40 years. What's your excuse?" when Dean saw Sam's eyes fill with something along the lines of guilt his stomach twisted. "Oh no you don't Sammy. Listen to me; this was not your fault. I made my own choices. I don't regret them one iota. Okay? Plus it was fun, nice and warm. You know how I hate the cold!"
"Dean don't." Sam pulled away from Dean slightly, resting against the bonnet of the Impala. "It's not funny. Please don't make a joke out of this. Alot of shit's happened between us, and alot of bad shit's happened since you left. Ruby's been-" Sam was cut off by Dean's;
"You're still seeing that hell-bitch? Dude I thought you were past fucking the beast by now?"
"Dean! She's not a bitch, she's been helping me, and once Dean! Okay I've slept with her one time! Now I mostly see her for th-.. anyway my point is that do you have any idea what you'd be leaving behind? How Bobby dealt? Ellen? Jo-I know you had a thing for her!"
While he was still focussed on what Sam was going to say, he had to ask; "How you felt?" he judged his younger brother under his imperial 'batman' stare. "How *did* you feel?" 'Cause really what he'd seen in Sam's eyes earlier couldn't have just been brotherly... or maybe it was. Maybe he's spent too long in hell to recognize an 'I-wanna-rip-your-clothes-off-now' look?
"I...Dean...You left and... you know... I was left to cope on my own, I mean sure I have Ruby but she's not family...Dean-De. Not a single demon would do a deal with me! Hell, they'd barely come near me! Do you have any idea what that's like?! Remember how you felt when *I* died. When *you* made the friggin' deal for *me*? Well amplify that by about 60 and you might get close to how I felt."
"Sam. I re-eally don't think you feel worse than I did. Impossible even." By this time they were in the car and on their way to...somewhere, the shopping in the backseat, and Sam slammed his hand down on the dash board loud and hard. Dean jumped and nearly swerved the car off the road.
"DEAN! IT'S NOT EVEN ON THE SAME SCALE! YOU WERE GONE FOR FOUR MONTHS! I COULDN'T *DO* ANYTHING ABOUT IT! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THAT'S LIKE? AND I *KNEW* YOU WERE IN HELL, AT LEAST I *COULD'VE* BEEN IN HEAVEN!! NOT TO MENTION I HAD TO WATCH YOU GET RIPPED TO SHREDS BY A HELLHOUND, LILITH WOULDN'T EVEN LET ME CLOSE MY EYES!" Sam was panting slightly after yelling, but still managed to add; "I had to carry on life without you by myside, knowing you were suffering eternal hellfire for me, it's a miracle you're out, and I'll never be able to repay you, but *please* just at least let me have this, that I win on the 'who hated the other dying the most' contest?"
Dean thought about it for a minute before shaking his head, Sam opened his mouth to talk but Dean got there first; "Sam. Sammy. It's not a freaking contest okay? But there's some things I gotta know. Like how come you didn't attack me with silver or holy water or salt when you first saw me? And why'd Lilith's demon sparkles not work on you, yeah I saw that, how come her mojo didn't do anything? And how've you been hunting, no offence you're a great hunter, but come on, dude there's been so many times we wouldn't've made it out without the other that it's hard to believe either of us could survive alone."
Sam shifted nervously. His eyes flicked around the car, looking anywhere but Dean, particularly the doors. Just as he was thinking he could open the door and tuck 'n' roll his way to freedom Dean locked the interior.
"Sam." Dean's voice held a warning, not harsh but not as soft as before. One look at his little brother's watery eyes and he pulled in at the nearest motel, luckily not far, even though it was only 5pm, and they were miles away from where he wanted to be. Once he had him in the room, 2 queens, Dean sat him down on the bed, got him some tissues, and sat with his back leaning against Sam's, just like when they were kids. Afterall it was easier to confess to something when you're not looking at someone's face.
After what seemed like a long time of sitting Sam finally started speaking. And once he started he couldn't stop. It all just came pouring out, Ruby, the demon blood, his demon mojo, how it scared him, how *jess* would be so ashamed of him, and how he'd not even *really* loved her, and how that made him feel.
Usually for the elder Winchester this would've been too girly for him (y'know, minus the whole drinking demon blood thing), but after Sam stopped, he started, he told him about him & Cassie, how it never really worked because he never put enough in, how he really did care about her, but more like a sister, and how her rejection of the family business crushed him, he talked about how after hell he was most scared of himself, what he was capable of, and told Sam about everything. Well, except the whole incestuous love affair thing going on in his head...
The brothers sat there on that bed, in not so much awkward but more contemplative silence. Sam had gone faetal and was hugging his knees whereas Dean was lounging, using Sam as a wall to lean against while he thought it through.
"So. How long has it been since your last..uh..hit?"
"Dean! That's so not...and it's not about that, think how people I save-"
"Not worth it if you die. What do you think happens when you drink too much? I've *seen* it Sammy. Not worth it, you'll turn. Trust me. No Sam. Not worth it if it means losing you. When?"
"Uhm. About a month ago I guess...why?"
"You said 2-3 weeks before. Symptoms?"
"Huh?"
"Withdrawal."
"Not really. Just...hungry...alot."
"S'long as you're not turning into a rubaru or whatever they're called."
"*Dean...* You want me to stop then?"
"Yeah. Duh. Like I said. You'll turn. Full fledged demon spawn. Satan's bitch. All that. Sam. *It's not worth it.* Ever."
"Okay. I'll stop. But...I'll need a new phone and something to hide me from Ruby...she can be very tempting..." on hearing Dean snicker, "NOT LIKE THAT!" *mutter* "pervert". "What about you?"
"What about me? The hell thing? Oh I'm over it. I'm guessing you could see the imprint hell left on me with your demon mojo huh? Oh well. Don't worry Sam. I hated it, every second of it. I'd take torture over torturing others, I'll never let it go, but it was worth it, because I got out. And now here we are..."
"Yeah. Here we are...so what now?"
"Kill some evil sons of bitches..."
"And raise a little hell? Dean, dude, you've already done that bit."
"Shutup Samantha. You know I think you're just moody you don't get to play with your new toy!"
"Aww Deanna, is that jealousy I hear? Don't worry we'll beat up the big bad demons your way."
Dean flipped around and pinned a surprised Sam quickly to the bed. Without even thinking the younger lifted his head and met his brother's lips. Dean stiffened and suddenly they were on opposite sides of the room.
"Ah-Dean. Sorry. I sorry. I don't know....uhm...gawd...crap..I didn't mean to...I'll just go." Sam was flushed and rambling, gesticulating wildly, while Dean stood opposite him, cool, calm and collected, smiling softly.
Taking long confident strides Dean quickly closed the distance between them and had his mouth back on Sam's before he could even make a move to get to the door.
The kiss was awkward at first, teeth and lips clashing, but slowly it became deep and passionate, Dean's tongue exploring Sam's mouth, before coaxing his brother's tongue into a slow dance. When they finally pulled away they were both panting and Sam's pupils were so dilated Dean *could've* mistaken him for a demon.
Quickly confusion clouded Sam's lust-filled eyes, so Dean smiled cockily and said;
"when I was in hell I promised myself if I ever got another oppertunity I wouldn't waste it. I knew I'd find out one way or another." Sam smiled dazedly back before moving in again.
This time their kiss was much more passionate and filled with love and lust, one of Dean's hands hooked around Sam's neck, the other corded in his hair, while Sam's slowly caressed his flanks and back.
Suddenly the room was filled with a heavy presence and Dean immediately snapped into protective big brother mode, turning so he was blocking Sam from the intruder, although because of the height difference Sam's head was exposed...
They both stared as a very confused looking tax-accountant was standing before them with his head tilted to one side, amazing blue eyes boring into their very souls.
~~~~~~~~~
okay sorry that took so long but I have exams and crap :/ which = not alot of time for fanfiction. like at all. it's a crime really. Thanks for reviewing :) I hope this meets your expectations? If not you could always flame/tell me how to improve :) *flames are nice, it's frikkin' cold in england.*
