Chapter Two: Historians and Monks
Three Weeks Later…
Mariah walked into the theater part of the warehouse looked around for the source of the warm-up practice music she heard. It was odd, because they didn't have musicians. She spotted the source of the noise- the sound manager in his overhanging booth.
She cleared her throat. "Hello?" she called. "Are you ready?"
Patel leaned over the edge of the booth. "Yes," he said.
"Then we'll begin."
Patel nodded and switched out records on the gramophone on his booth. Immediately, bright, cheery music began to play.
People began to file in to take their seats as stage crew scurried across the stage, carrying bolts of cloth, ladders, bits of scenery, and equipment. They set up what they needed to and scrambled off the stage as the curtain came up, revealing DARIA NOCLAF, dressed in dark green. A map of England was hung on the wall behind her.
DN: "England, 932 A.D. A kingdom divided.
(she pointed to each place on the map as she named them, like a weather reporter)
"To the West, the Anglo-Saxons.
To the East, the French. Above, nothing but Celts-"
(Quatermain poked his head out from behind the curtain and glared at her. Hastily, Daria cleared her throat.)
"-and some people from Scotland.
In Guinard, Palace, and Difford, plague.
In the kingdoms of Wessex, Sussex, Essex and Kent… plague.
In Mercia, and the two Anglias, plague, with a 50 chance of pestilence
and famine coming out of the Northeast at twelve miles per hour.
"Legend tells us of an extraordinary leader who arose from the chaos to unite a troubled kingdom.
A man with a vision, who gathered knights together in a Holy Quest.
(she is looking very excited now)
"This man was Arthur, King of the Britains, for this was England!"
(She gestures dramatically to the map of England. To her surprise, another map unfolds on top of it. A map of… Finland?)
(the Company dances out eagerly. The men are Nemo's crewmen, who had gleefully volunteered to be a part of this production. The women are some of the most terrifying creatures known to human-kind- FAN GIRLS. They are all carrying rubber herrings and are led by none other than RODNEY SKINNER.)
COMPANY:
Finland, Finland, Finland
That's the country for me!
(Daria is looking seriously confused as they parade out onto the stage)
(VARIOUS ANIMAL NOISES)
RS, in an outrageous accent over his Cockney one:
Finland is the country where we dance
Finland is the country where we play
Here in Finland boy and girl can find a true romance
In traditional Scandinavian vay!
ALL:
Schlip! Schlap!
RS:
Schlip-a-schlap-a vay
ALL:
Schlip! Schlap!
RS:
Schlap away all day
ALL:
Schlip! Schlap!
RS:
You simply can't go wrong
Vith traditional fish-schlapping song
(They all snap their fishes in unison)
ALL:
Finland, Finland, Finland
MEN:
The country where I quite want to be
Ishmael:
Pony trekking-
RS:
Or camping-
ALL:
Or just watching TV
Finland, Finland, Finland
That's the country for me!
DN (looking annoyed.)"
I said, "ENG-land."
COMPANY (spoken in tandem):
What? Oh, sorry, sorry about that…
(They troop off looking dejected. Daria follows them off-stage, muttering to herself.)
(The curtain comes down for a moment, then comes back up to reveal what looks like a run-down peasant town. A troop of MONKS, played by TOM SAWYER, DANTE, SANDERSON REED, and ISHMAEL, wander across the stage, carrying heavy books)
Monks:
"Sacrosanctus Domine
(They whack themselves in the heads with the books)
"Pecavi ignoviunt
(They whack themselves in the heads with the books)
"Iuesus Christus Domine
(They whack themselves in the heads with the books)
'Pax vobiscum venerunt)
(They wander off-stage, and the lights, controlled by Patel up in his booth, focus on RODNEY SKINNER, pushing a cart full of 'dead' people.)
RS:
"Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!"
(M comes up to the cart, hauling a limp ALLAN QUATERMAIN with him)
M:
Here's one.
AQ:
I'm not dead!
RS:
Here, he says he's not dead!
M (glaring at Quatermain):
Yes, he is.
AQ:
I feel happy. I feel happy!
(He jumps to his feet)
AQ:
I am not dead yet
I can dance and I can sing!
I am not dead yet
I can do the highland fling!
I am not dead yet
No need to go to bed,
No need to call the doctor
'Cos I'm not yet dead!
(A group of MINSTRELS rushes on-stage, carrying their varied and sundry instruments
MINSTRELS:
He is not yet dead,
That's what the geezer said.
Oh, he's not yet dead.
That man is off his head!
He is not yet dead-
Put him back in bed,
Keep him off the cart because he's not yet dead!
(Quatermain performs a very energetic improvised dance as NEMO and HENRY JEKYLL, followed by yet more minstrels, enter stage right. Nemo is wearing a blue-and-white tunic with a black griffin on in; Jekyll is in green and white. The device on his tunic is a big black chicken. Nemo comes up behind Quatermain and mimes whacking him on the head. The original group of minstrels stare at the 'dead' hunter and round on Nemo.)
MINSTRELS:
Well now he's dead!
You whacked him on the head!
(They gesture at Nemo accusingly)
Sure now he's dead!
It makes me just see red!
You are such a brute
To murder that old coot!
You homicidal bastard, now he's really dead!
(They all glare at Nemo, who is followed by the ever-patient ISHMAEL, his squire.)
Who is the knave who put him in his grave"
And who needs to manage his anger?
N (puffing himself up for the part at a glare from Mariah, who is seated in the front row.):
My name is Lancelot.
I'm big and strong and hot.
Occasionally I do
Some things that I should not.
(Jekyll steps forward followed by the minstrels. In something shiny off to one side, the audience catches a glimpse of EDWARD HYDE, dressed in a tattered minstrel's costume.)
Jekyll:
I want to be a knight,
But I don't like to fight.
I'm rather scared I may
Just simply run away.
N (linking arms with Jekyll in a friendly buddy sort of manner):
I'll be right with you,
Robin through and through and through.
So stick with me and I'll show you what I do!
BOTH:
We'll remain good chums
N:
You can teach me how to dance
BOTH:
We're going to enlist
HJ:
I'm Robin
N:
And I'm Lance
(A group of KNIGHTS come up behind Nemo and Jekyll)
ALL:
Oh we're off to war
Because we're not yet dead!
We will all enlist
As the Knights that Arthur led!
EH, waving from the aforementioned shiny object, prompting Jekyll to wince:
I am coming too-
My name will be Sir Fred!
I'll be your musician
'Cos I'm not yet dead!
KNIGHTS:
Oh we're not dead yet
To Camelot we go
To enlist instead
To try and earn some dough
And so although
We should have stayed in bed
We're going off to war
Because we're not yet dead
N (over the knights):
To kill
I will
It gives me such a thrill!
HJ (Trying to sing over both the knights and Nemo) :
To sing,
And dance,
(he points at Nemo so that only the audience can see)
And keep an eye on Lance.
ALL:
We're going off to war!
We'll have girlfriends by the score!
EH:
We'll be shot by Michael Moore!
ALL:
Because we're not yet….
(A random knight whacks M on the head. The Company pauses and looks down at him. They shrug.)
ALL:
Dead!
Not yet dead!
(The curtain falls, then comes back up a few minutes later to reveal TOM SAWYER and DORIAN GRAY standing on the shores of a lake…)
