Christian's POV
The streets float by in hues of grey, everything around me seems to be at a standstill. We're in the car on the way to Dr Greene. Ana, like me, is quiet and contemplating. We are each alone with our very loud thoughts. My world is about to turn on its axis in a few minutes. Although I suppose it already has, because Ana is very much pregnant, the morning sickness is a constant reminder of that. But today, it's about to get a lot more real and I don't know if I can handle this.
It is too scary a thought. Me, a father? How can that possibly be? I've only now learned how to love, and it is my greatest love of all. I do not want to change it in any way. If it took me that long to feel that one true love, how can I suddenly accommodate for someone else? I love Ana with all my heart; that I know for sure. She is everything that I am and more, she has my heart, all of it, so how can there be room for this little intruder? How can I be a good father if I am already questioning my capability to love my unborn child?
There is no way a man as broken and fucked up as me can be a dad. And above all, I am a selfish man, I want Ana all to myself and now I will have to compete with this little intruder for my wife's attention and love. No way. She is mine and I want her all the time. I know that I am playing on the irony and acting like a child but, how can she think she'll be able to love us both the same? There will have to be a preference. And I know it won't be me. I just can't believe this. We've been married for a little over two months for Christ sake! I wanted to take Ana around the world, show her and give her everything under the sun. I wanted us to be able to escape somewhere, anywhere whenever we wanted, at whatever time we deemed fit. Well, this pregnancy has put a kibosh on all that.
Hell, I'm sure Ana didn't think about this, but we will never be truly alone for the next twenty something years. Since she's already put the wheels in motion on this, and I'm sure she will want at least one more child, God I can't even think in terms of one child let alone two or more. But not until all our children are grown up and have moved out will we be able to enjoy the alone time that we do now. And by then I'll be what? Fifty? Oh God. I can't do this, there is no way I can handle this. No, I can't. I feel the panic rising in me once again.
Just then, as if she can read where my thoughts are going, Ana wordlessly takes my hand in hers, gently caressing the back of my hand with her thumb. She doesn't say anything but looks back out her window again. Her simple gesture is enough to remind me why I am doing this. I am doing it for her. I can't leave her, no matter how much I hate that this is happening right now, I can't leave her. I wouldn't survive it. And I can't also ask her to make this go away, because one, I could never live with myself knowing I've done such a horrible crime, and two even if I did ask her to do this, she would forever resent me, and I might as well have left her or her leave me, which again, I would not survive. And so, I am doing this for her, and for us. I will get over this somehow. With her at my sides, I can do anything. This is what I've got to believe in. I lift her hand and kiss her softly where her wedding rings meet her knuckles reminding her, just like she did moments ago, that she is in my thoughts too.
She smiles shyly at me, looking up from under those gorgeous long lashes of hers, then she shifts and places her head on my shoulders, our hand loosely interlaced as we make the rest of the journey in relatively comfortable silence towards Dr Greene's office.
We're seen within five minutes of getting here. Good, I hate to be kept waiting. I keep Ana's hand in mine as we sit in Dr Greene's office, waiting for her to come back with whatever paper work she needs. I am a ball of nerves, and I don't think I'm doing a very good job of hiding it. To my surprise though, Ana doesn't say a word, she has been rather quiet all morning too, I wonder what is going on in that head of hers. Surely it can't be half as bad as my fears.
Dr Greene takes her seat and smiles kindly at us both, "Congratulations again Mr and Mrs Grey! Although I do know that this was unexpected, seems that the shot ran out earlier than it was due, these things happen sometimes." Here she is speaking nonchalantly about the reason my world has flipped on its head. I am fuming. Oh it happens sometimes... Well that should be made clear to everyone before using this form of contraception! The whole point of contraception is that it gives you control to prevent such incidents, without control then they are useless. Why even bother? While this information has shot anger to my brain, I also note that Ana was telling the truth, that she hadn't missed her shot, it just failed her, failed us. "So, tell me Mrs Grey, how are you doing?"
Ana timidly begins to tell her about her morning sickness, and how certain smells provoke it like the smell off coffee and eggs. She tells her that aside from some of her Cranky Episodes and mild tiredness, she's been feeling well and healthy. I'm sure it doesn't go unnoticed by Dr Greene that I am very quiet, and I'm sure she can guess why. Over the years, my only business with her had been to find my suitable type of contraception, and even now, with my wife that had remained the same. But to her credit she doesn't say much to me. Every now and then though I squeeze Ana's hand or rub her knuckles, just so that she knows I am here with her. And every time I do, she squeezes back and smiles in my direction. After talking lightly about how best to deal with her symptoms, with me butting in here and there with some comments, Dr Greene says, "Well, let's get this show on the road! Let's have a look at Baby Grey, shall we?" As she says it I feel my heart beat faster. Baby Grey. I am both terrified but mostly elated by this endearment. This is new. I like the sound of that name. Baby Grey.
Dr Greene got Ana to change into a hospital gown a few minutes ago, I found it pretty strange but I'm no expert at this, so I didn't question it. But now that Ana is laying down, with knees up and spread wide, and with Dr Greene putting a condom on some sort of a probe, I get profusely confused. The look on my face must be enough, but I ask anyway, "What are you doing?"
Ana has a nervous smile on her lips but she lets Dr Greene answer, "Mr Grey, Mrs Grey is only 8 weeks pregnant, so Baby Grey is about the size of a cranberry bean, we won't be able to see him/her with an ultrasound just yet, the Transvaginal ultrasound will allow us to see the foetus." I remain tight-lipped as I'm not sure I like the idea of Dr Greene shoving a wand inside my wife, but this is her job so I shall let this go. She lubes the wand, presses a few buttons on her computer, and then slowly inserts it inside Ana. I try to not let it bother me, but it does. Slowly she moves the little wand around to find the little intruder. Now my eyes are glued on the screen, but all I see is white noise. I can't make out anything. Then I hear something. My world stops.
Pu-pum.. Pa-pum.. Pa-pum..
It's so fast. So real. Surreal. A heartbeat. My baby's heartbeat. In that moment it all falls into place. Dr Greene points to the screen to show us where tiny Baby Grey is snuggling inside Ana's belly, she freezes the picture for us and there it is, Baby Grey. As I'm looking at the screen, all I feel inside of me is pure love. I did not expect that, but I don't even question it or try to reign it in, I let it wash over me and warm me from inside. This little Blip is ours, we've created life, this heartbeat is concrete proof of what Ana and I have done. Proof of our love. The very moment I heard the heartbeat, I knew this baby had my heart. It is a crazy, unexplainable thing; instantaneous love. I know I have the biggest smile on my face right now, and even a few tears in my eyes as my vision blurs, I don't care. We're having a baby! I wrench my eyes from the screen for the first time and bring Ana's hand up to my lips and kiss them gently, and when I look up at her, she is smiling goofily at me too, her face all wet with tears.
"Ana, it's our baby! Look, can you hear him? He's so fast!" I know I'm asking a stupid question because she is right there with me living this, I suppose I'm saying it more so to convince myself that this is real. She giggles through her tears and nods her head yes. God, she is so beautiful! And she is having my baby! This is all too much to handle. And I just can't stop smiling. I don't even know how the person who, not more than an hour ago was fuming over this pregnancy and the person that is beaming over this little Lima Bean on a screen can be the same man. I want this, I want this more than anything right now, I want a healthy baby. I bury my head in the crook of her arm, still smiling widely and laughing with her, and kissing the inside crease of her elbow. This moment is so perfect and so surreal, I don't even know what to say.
I look up to see that Dr Greene has stepped out to give us a private moment. Good. I waste no time and go right up to kiss my wife, the mother of my child. It takes her by surprise a little, but I don't care, I give her all that I'm feeling right now. Slowly letting my lips move over hers, and lightly tracing my tongue along her lips, I reassure her that, not only am I ok with this, but I am fully committed to this and gladly so. With one kiss, I unleash all the love that I have for her, and for our little Blip. She gets the message pretty fast, and has her hands tangled in my hair and kissing me with as much abandon as I am. We finally come up for some air, but even then there isn't more than an inch between us, our noses touching and we are sharing the same breath.
"Oh, Ana. I love you, baby. So so much," I tell her in between light butterfly kisses. She half laughs and half sobs her reply.
"Christian, I adore you."
Christ, she is so beautiful, her face is all lit up with excitement, eyes glassy with happy tears, and all the angst and aloofness from this morning has vanished completely, for both her and me.
