Dear Writers of FanFiction,
Did you know the first true account of a submission labelled "Dear Writers of FanFiction" was by a very famous author, and I shall not use names here to protect privacy, when she read that her characters were being forced to indulge in unlawful activities such as drinking and driving, underage Sex, abuse of illegal substances and wearing neon green polyester tights and eating rice with a fork!
Of course her very scandalous letter was removed by the site authorities so you won't actually find it but did you know the last line in it says- "Fuck you awful monsters for making my monsters into characters!" Or was it the other way around?
Oh I forgot to introduce myself, didn't I? I'm Yamazaki Takashi, the hottest bachelor of our Universe and infamous womaniser. What? Don't believe me? Then tell you what- just read the fanfics 'round here- I've slept with every girl I know! From Naoko to Sakura! And even occasionally with the boys- Syaoran and Eriol... though I shall admit they weren't as good...
But you know what? Even after all that - I don't have much to complain about! All I can say is you guys are doing a fabulous job making fun of all these guys and trolling them and basically ripping them apart! I really couldn't have done better myself! Congratulations friends!
I bow down to you! I kowtow to you! I put you on a pedestal and sing praises of you! I make you a shrine and burn incense for you! You men, women, children, boys and girls are some of the best pranksters, mischief makers and trolls I have ever seen. I am so proud of you, my dear comrades. The side of the laughing people shall never die! Because you people are simply marvels (not the stupid comic books -because they actually started)
I especially love how you make one of (or many of) the characters into villains! And I'd also want to thank you because I, myself, am very rarely a villain! Maybe it's my cheerful disposition, and my knack for pissing everyone and everything off, or is it my ever laughing face? Whatever it is- thank you for mostly ignoring me in all your crazy stories and targetting the others so much! Though, sometimes, I do feel pity for Sakura and Syaoran for all that they go through. But it's all in good fun! And very well done! Especially those stories where you make them so ultra weird and so ultra weird they start trolling themselves! Kudos!
In fact I am so proud and grateful of/for most of you that I don't feel like writing this part. Why? Because this part is where I complain! I don't like complaining, not exactly my style.. and all of you know me so well- have I ever complained? In fact- the first historic account of complaining was by a prehistoric wife talking to her husband's other wife- about how their husband could never find his socks and always ended up walking around barefoot! Yes! That was the first account of a complaint! Rather tame, don't you think? Well, I do... But worry not! My complaints are anything but that lame!
My first complaint- you guys never give me any credit. Always - Tomoyo or Eriol or some OC or even Naoko, Rika, Chiharu and the other people are your prime smarty-pants. Whatever happened to me? Oh don't mind me- I'll just be drifting around in the background being completely invisible and highly ignored! Really - do you guys never realise? It was I who started the "trolling", I who trolled everyone in a five mile radius, I who made all the mischief and I who should still be doing so!
Which brings me to a request - you know the first time a request was made was when please, dear friends, give me some credit. Bring me back into your stories. Don't give me any big parts, I'm not asking for those! Just let me be there and be myself! Let me glide over at any moment, eavesdrop on any conversation and then troll them like the mega troll-king that I am! The internet never gave me my due (do you see the current troll-face making the rounds? Do you? That should have rightfully been my eversmiling face!) But do you see me complain? Oh no. I'm just asking for a small little favour- please, please, please- bring me back and let me be me!
And now for my second complaint - what is with me and getting into relationships? I am really not that type of person. I am a free bird and I like to... well... free-bird around! So no Sakura, no Syaoran and especially no Chiharu! I'd actually like some sort of clear explanation for that one - I see how Sakura and Syaoran are together (considering they really are) or how Tomoyo and Eriol are together (considering, well, nothing really but they do have their... thing) or even Rika and Terada sensei (*cough violent cough* paedophilia accusations aside they're actually very cute together) but why on earth is it Chiharu and me? Why? The only times we have our moments are when she recognises my pranks as pranks and stops me before I do much damage. That's all! So why are she and me brother and sister or boyfriend and girlfriend or even (heaven forbid) husband and wife? Not that I have anything against her but couldn't you please get me someone better? (Yes here is where my request comes in) I'm not asking for much - just some girl who is sweeter and doesn't smack my head or attempt to murder me. Murder reminds me of A good looking, fairly hot girl won't hurt either. Umm, maybe with boobs and an ass too- yes and she must be smart enough to help me with my troll business... You do see that basically rules out anyone like Naoko (she is smart but too... sweet! And although the stories where we are paired are few- thank god) and definitely Chiharu- because that girl is flat and fat as a dictionary and has no curves to speak of! Much less brains! Sure she understands how pranks work but she never pitches in with me! No damned enough brain power for that! So anyone would do- the above criteria in mind and oh shit she's just read all this standing over my shoulder and I didn't even notice her there! Damn she's quiet when she wants to be... uh... Hi there, Chiharu! Better go before she kills-
