I'm updating earlier then normal just because this part is done, and I feel guilty over how short the last chapter was.

Warnings: Language (but not really), child abuse (but not really), simile abuse (really), probably some OOCness...really, this fic is just meant to have fun.

Also, this is unbetaed, as my beta reader has decided that University finals are way more important then the contents of my fic...I know, the nerve!


One would think that now, NOW, would be the time that the Perfect soldier would clue in to the mortal peril awaiting him in the Winner Manor.

But...he didn't.

He was too busy looking at the volume baby vomit on his shirt and comparing it to the size of the toddler that it had come from—and it didn't compute.

Duo was also a little preoccupied, but it wasn't over anything so trivial as baby vomit. He was too busy noticing that a baby had appeared. And it had somehow slipped past his Street Rat sixth sense of sight and landed in Heero's arms—and none of that computed either.

(You'll be assured to know that Duo later remembered that 'sight' was actually one of the five normal senses.)

In fact, it was Trowa who was the first to regain his composure, or at least some vague semblance of it, and he raced off to investigate the source of the explosion. Heero came in a close second, something that had never happened before, slowly approaching the doorway as though he was expecting an army of OZ soldiers waiting for them inside. Considering the happenings of the last five minutes, nothing would surprise him. Duo found himself at a loss for words, (also something that had never happened before--without physically being gagged at least), and found it rather disturbed him.

He consoled himself by watching Heero. Heero didn't know this, but he had unwittingly provided Duo with a lot of amusement over the past several years due to the fact that he could be so astoundingly dense when it came to handling day-to-day problems. More then one innocent espresso machine had been beaten beyond recognition during their relationship, and Duo would never be able to look at the vacuum cleaner in the same light again. Arguably, the current situation had already escalated beyond normal day-to-day occurrences, but nevertheless Heero didn't fail to amuse. Heero, with one hand firmly clenched around the waistband of the toddler's diaper, was wielding the toddler as though he was a riot shield.

And in the process, giving the toddler what had to be the mother of all wedgies.

And that made Duo giggle.

The rumbling that had preceded the explosion resumed. In fact, it grew louder, and from the doorway leading to the west wing, poured out a seemingly endless herd of giggling, screaming children, followed by Quatre who was in hot pursuit. Quatre was also screaming, but for quite a different reason, and it involved words that Duo had never been allowed to say in front of children before. In fact, (and Duo was quite willing to bet the integrity of his braid on this) he was sure Quatre wasn't supposed to be saying them either.

And that made Duo giggle even harder.

Quatre spotted them, and paused long enough to gasp, "the explosion....east...or west wing...?"

Duo again opened his mouth to say something witty, then came to the same conclusion as before with Trowa. He settled for pointing to the west side. His mouth remained open.

Quatre's eyes widened, a squeak was expelled, and time seemed to stop as his eyes first went east (following the children) then west (explosion), then east again. His mind was made up, however, as a second, and third explosion echoed throughout the hallway.

"Good to see you made it okay!" Quatre called back over his shoulder, which could have been mistaken for politeness if it hadn't been for the slightly maniacal smile on his face.

What really disturbed Heero, more then his uncharacteristically flustered friends, herd of children, or unexplained explosions, was when Duo stopped giggling quietly (which Heero had mistaken for shivering anyway) and began to laugh. Hysterically.

"What the hell are you laughing at?" Heero growled, disentangling the toddler's fingers from his hair and pulling the lock out his mouth. A string of baby drool dripped off it and ran down the tip of his nose.

Duo tried to stop laughing long enough to answer, couldn't, and clutched himself around his middle. The most he could manage was shakily pointing a finger at Heero, which Heero didn't find overly helpful considering the circumstances.

Now it could have been the sudden change in Heero's voice, or it could have been due to the fact that his diaper was working its way up around his ears, either way, the toddler looked up at Heero with his big blue eyes. And blinked. The bottom lip stuck out, quivered threateningly for several tense seconds, and he erupted into tears.

"What did Lucas ever do to you,Yuy?" Wufei came down the staircase, smirking at them. Nearing them, however, he froze, and squinted at the screaming child in Heero's arms.

"What?" Heero also squinted at the toddler. Well, it was more of a wince actually.

Duo was trying to support himself on the coat rack, with little success. Tears were beginning to show in his eyes. His laughter was drowned out by Lucas' crying however. Which, Heero remembered thinking later, said a lot for the volume the youngster was able to accomplish with such an immature set of lungs.

Wufei's eyes widened, with an expression of pure horror that put Quatre's to shame.

"What?" said Heero again, in slightly more urgent tone.

"That's not Lucas," Wufei groaned, dashing back towards the staircase, hurtling himself up them as if his life depended on it. Which—Heero realized a lot of things in hindsight-- it probably did.

"And?" was all he could say at the time.

"And it means I don't know where Lucas is!" Wufei all but shrieked over his shoulder, as he disappeared down the hallway.

Heero looked down at the toddler, who was imitating a helicopter propeller as he rotated in midair. The toddler, pausing to take a breath, looked back. He hiccuped once, twice...and for one brief, naive moment Heero thought everything was going to be okay.

...and then his wailing reached octaves Heero didn't know existed.

Heero stared at what he'd dubbed It for several confused seconds, then tucked him under one arm. For good measure, he patted It on the head.

It didn't seem to turn It off.

There was a tap on his shoulder.

"What?" Heero sighed, feeling that as though that word had been used too much for in the current conversation its own good.

Duo managed to contain the new wave of laughter threatening to erupt long enough to lean in and say, "you are human!"

"What?" Heero gave Duo a confused look. His free hand drifted up to the toddler's mouth, then had second thoughts. There were probably several people currently occupying the Winner mansion that would object to him gagging a two year old. Third thoughts revealed he'd finally found a form of torture to which he wasn't entirely immune to.

"You're rocking!" Duo choked, and mimed swaying and bouncing a baby back and forth with his arms.

Heero thought about denying the clearly unfair allegation, until to his dismay, he noticed Duo was right. He was about to reply, when another door opened.

"What took you so long?" A woman glared down at them. Heero was going to glare back, but the toddler had stopped in mid-scream, and had latched on with an iron grip around Heero's head. Heero tried to pry the toddler's fingers from off his ears, but, having never dealt with a stubborn toddler before (or any toddler for that matter) had no idea how strong they could hold on to something when they really wanted to.

"Now is not the time for playing with the children!" the female voice snapped. "Go run along and make yourselves useful. I believe Quatre was planning on getting you two to decorate the Christmas tree. Go now." Yes, she even shooed them with her hands. Heero didn't see this, what with It wrapped around his head like over-excited scarf.

Duo did, and he promptly stuck his tongue out at the closing door. "Whew, I'm glad not all Quatre's sisters are like that! Go run along...God are we like, the hired help or something?" He rolled his eyes at Heero.

As soon as the woman had disappeared, the toddler released his hold on Heero's ears. Heero, never one to miss such an opportunity, quickly set the toddler on the ground. The toddler, never one to miss such an opportunity, promptly sat on Heero's foot and latched on to his leg.

"That was one of Quatre's sisters? Why did we agree to come here?"

Duo snickered at Heero's dumbfounded look, which was starting to become a permanent fixture on his face. "Well Christ Heero, what were you expecting?"

"What do you mean?"

"I said it was Quatre's family Christmas. What did you think it was going to be like in a house of twenty-nine women? Odds are, at any given time a quarter of those are PMSing...scary shit, but it could be worse!"

Heero, seeing his prospects of surviving to the end of the week growing bleaker and bleaker with every word, choked upon hearing that last statement. "Could be worse? How the hell do you figure that?"

Duo smirked. "Be thankful it's PMS and not menopause...Quatre's got enough weaponry in the basement to outfit an entire battalion."

Heero paled, but before he could reply Quatre came sprinting back through the doorway leading from the west wing. "Quatre!"

Quatre skidded to a halt, staring at them incredulously. There was a wild look in his eyes that made Heero instantly regret bringing any attention to himself. "What are you still doing standing here! Do you guys not realize how much there is to do?" He bore an uncanny resemblance to his older sister.

"Who is this, and where does It go?" Heero gestured to the toddler, who'd fallen asleep on his shoe. His grip on Heero's leg hadn't let off.

Quatre paused long enough to squint. "I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't--" Heero snapped his mouth shut. The ingrained urge to duck and cover had never hit him like this before. Duo remained slightly more composed, having been on the receiving end of 'That Look' from Heero enough times to have gained slight immunity to its fear-inducing effects.

"Heero!" Quatre's voice reached hysteria levels "I have sixty-one nieces and nephews! I DON'T KNOW!"


I hope you enjoyed. Next chapter I believe I'll have Heero and Duo decorating the Christmas tree...that should be fun. ^_^

Review?