Erwin watched Levi as he slept peacefully, body curled up into a tiny ball. His eyes were closed, the pale lids and dark circles contrasting on their sides, separated by long lashes. The younger man's chest rose and fell with even and calm breaths. Peaceful. For the first time in a while, Levi looked peaceful. Something rare considering all he had gone through. Erwin pushed some of those ebony strands back, leaving his forehead bare.

Levi leaned into the touch, his movement bringing a smile to Erwin's lips. He always acted so tough and strong, leaving sleep for when his defenses went down. Well, it used to be like that. Before they'd gone off to fight a war. Before Levi had been captured.

His breakdowns were strange, alien really. Once, sleep had been the only time where Levi relaxed or showed potent emotions. Now they bled through into the day – into his weakest moments. It was horrid. Something Erwin had never wanted to see. Ever.

His thumb ran over Levi's eyebrow, smoothing the soft black hairs against his smooth skin. Warm breath whispered over his hands as he brought it down, fingers gliding over Levi's cheek until it settled against a pale cheek covered with the faintest dark stubble - the most in terms of a beard that Levi could grow. Skin he couldn't resist touching whenever he had the chance.

That only one hand could touch. His fingers ached, those ghostly appendages that ached to move, forever unable to now. He had physical pain – and the mental pain that he sometimes felt in the arm he would never control again. Levi had mental and emotional agony. A soft laugh shook Erwin's shoulders. We're so fucked up.

Erwin swept his finger over Levi's eyelid, feeling the gray eye twitch beneath his touch. Levi didn't wake. His beautiful eyes didn't open. Once so alive and full of potent emotions, they had gone blank ever since he'd returned.

Those eyes that Erwin had fallen for were no longer what they were. No longer overflowing with feelings. No longer bright, lively silver – more of a dull and dead gray. Simply lifeless until something sent him spiraling into another breakdown. But it had been different earlier, when Erwin had found Levi kneeling in the kitchen with a sponge clutched in his red, chemical-cracked hands that wept small drops of blood.

His eyes had been so blank – no recognition, no desperation. Nothing. The confusion and exhaustion had come after he had picked Levi up. It had been so different from the other times. Twice as terrifying. But he was alright for now. Sleeping peacefully, quietly, and entirely unaware of the world.

Erwin wanted to sit by his side all night but eventually he reluctantly pulled his hand away from that soft cheek as he rose. The bed shifted but not enough to disturb the slumbering man. Cerulean orbs fell down onto his old comrade. At his brother in arms. His friend. The man he watched out the corner of his eye. The man he loved. Erwin leaned over Levi. His lips skimmed across that smooth, unwrinkled forehead as he breathed in that sweet scent of raspberries.

"Mmm… Erwin…"

The blonde pulled back a few inches and froze, hovering over Levi. The younger man sighed as he shifted slightly, burying his head into his blanket-covered arms until all that was visible was an ear, the black mop of his hair, and the back of his neck. Erwin couldn't help but smile as he left the room, leaving the door cracked as he went to make breakfast.


Cerulean orbs flicked up when Levi flopped onto the couch next to him. Half-open eyes wandered around before they settled on Erwin. Confusion was etched into his face, accompanied by exhaustion. "Did you… did you carry me to bed?"

"Yeah. There's stills some food in the kitchen if you'd like some." Levi silently rose from the couch and disappeared into the kitchen on quiet feet. He didn't seem to remember the night. It made sense, especially considering the daze he'd been in when Erwin had found him. Thank God he didn't wander outside. He wouldn't have stood a chance against someone or a wild animal.

The pale man sank back down once more, a plate of food and a fork clutched in one hand, a cup of tea in the other. Both were steaming gently, the steam of the tea curling against his palm because of that "peculiar" way he held his cups. Erwin found it endearing – cute even. "Thanks," Levi muttered before he took a sip, pale lips curling over the edge of the cup.

His eyes were bleary with sleep but they were a little clearer than they had been. His feathery black hair was mussed and his gray long-sleeved shirt was rumpled. The short shorts he was so fond of wearing exposed the soft, ivory skin of his legs. Once those legs – that body – had been unblemished but now he was crisscrossed with scars in a plethora of lengths, widths, and shapes.

Levi… what did they do to you over there?

They were silent as they watched the news. Only the quiet sound of Levi's fork against the plate broke the near silence occasionally until he set the plate and cup down, finished eating. His meals were still small, stomach unaccustomed to having much in it, but he was doing much better than before. At least he had finished it. Erwin didn't watch the news as much as he watched Levi as they sat there in their comfortable silence, drinking him in again through subtle glances.

They'd given up all hope of ever seeing him again. They'd thought he was dead. That his body would never be recovered – not in the current century at least. And then, by some miracle, he'd reappeared, covered in blood, delirious, feverous, and confused at a hospital in a war-torn country. He was unidentified until Commander Dot Pixis happened to visit some of the wounded warriors in the hospital and found Levi still unconscious in one of the beds. He'd come home after that. Woken up. Come to live with Erwin. And now he was sitting right there.

Levi had abruptly burst back into their lives – his life – right when they thought he would only be seen again in photographs and videos. Erwin simply couldn't see enough of him, hear his voice enough, feel that touch enough. Levi was different but he was still Levi on the inside. Just changed a bit from the things he'd seen.

The story changed on the news. A picture of Levi appeared, a shot from the shoulders up. He was wearing his military gear, his face dead serious. His dog tags glinted on his chest, almost hidden inside his uniform. It wasn't hard to remember when those pictures were taken. It was before they'd left for the desert.

"Details of Corporal Levi Ackerman's sixteen-month disappearance have been released. Corporal Ackerman risked his own life to save six fellow soldiers , recover two deceased soldiers, and attempted to recover a third fallen comrade." Their images appeared on the screen – Erwin, Petra, Oluo, Nanaba, and Zoe. Mike, Gunther, Erd, and Ilse with "Deceased" beneath their names. A sharp intake drew his eyes as the reporter continued. As the world seemed to slow and stop.

"Corporal Ackerman returned to the compound to search for Ilse Langer, who was found later that night. He did not reemerge. Authorities have released that he was assaulted and rendered unconscious by a group of insurgents. He was held hostage for sixteen months in an effort to acquire information and potentially as leverage later on before escaping, killing several insurgents in order to escape. From the compound he-"

The image turned black but it was too late. Levi's limbs suddenly jerked in as he curled into a little ball, spine pressed into the soft cushions, head buried in his knees, fingers that dug into his scalp and blocked his ears. Tremors wracked his body, threatening to shake him apart.

Erwin was at his side a second later. The larger man pulled Levi into his arms and put his one hand to the back of Levi's skull as he crushed their bodies together. Soft black hair flattened beneath his fingers while the fingers already there somehow tensed even more. Soothing words fell from his lips, mixing with Levi's mutters of "No, no, no, no, no." All Erwin could do was hope they reached Levi through it all, clear a path in the darkness to take him to the light. Come on Levi, come on…

A heart hammered against his chest, pounding through the layers of flesh and muscle and sinew. It was so damn fast, a million miles a second. His chest struggled to rise and fall, unable to draw in a breath. Gasped breaths filled his ear. The chant of "No" abruptly changed, morphing into something else.

"Erwin… oh God, Erwin. Your arm… there… there was so much blood… Oh God. Oh God. All gonna die. They're all gonna die." He was trapped somewhere between the past and present, suspended somewhere between horror and safety.

"Levi, it's alright, it's alright, it's alright." Erwin stared over Levi's head as he pressed the younger man closer, giving him something to touch. As if that could somehow provide some measure of comfort or control.

It was a long time before the shivers disappeared, before his breaths evened out, and his heart gradually began to slow. The hands fell from beneath his chin, from Levi's head. Levi pulled back slightly, eyes cast down, face closed. More so than usual anyway. Dull grays flicked up to meet Erwin's bright skies. "S'rry." No more than a mumble.

"Don't be." Just as soft but more forceful. You have nothing to apologize for. Erwin wanted to do nothing more than cup the chin of that miserable face, tilt it up, and kiss Levi until he forgot his pain, even if the relief was only temporary. But he wouldn't. Couldn't. Shouldn't. Shouldn't take advantage of Levi when he was so emotionally wrecked.

And then small, cold hands cupped his cheeks, bringing him back to reality. To the dazed but burning gray eyes filled with fear-driven determination. So different from the blank looks before. Infinitely different. Everything happened too fast. Or maybe it happened too slow. Maybe he was just too slow.

Levi leaned in, their breaths mixing. Those hazy eyes slipped shut as Levi closed the distance. His lips were soft, fuller than they looked. Almost how he'd imagined and dreamed of. Gentle teeth bit at Erwin's bottom lip, begging for entrance.

The blonde let him in without a thought as his arm fell around Levi's waist, tugging him closer once more until their bodies were pressed tight together - something so… natural. Erwin's eyes fell shut and Levi's tongue slipped in, frantic in how it moved and twisted around Erwin's tongue.

I should stop him. He should. He needed do. But he had no desire to stop Levi, to break away. He just couldn't. Levi was probably confused anyway, unaware of who he was actually kissing. The thought hurt – pure agony really – but it didn't make him pull away.

His fingers dug into Levi's hip bone. Their hot mouths shifted, tongues sliding together. The taste of black tea lingered in Levi's mouth, on his lips. Gentle teeth kept nipping at Erwin's mouth, seemingly seeking out more and more. For perhaps the first time in his life, Erwin gave in. His eyes shut as he let Levi do as he pleased. A soft sigh escaped him, bleeding contentment.

Levi abruptly jerked back, completely removing himself from Erwin's grasp. Cerulean orbs flicked open as Levi stumbled away, one hand on the wall, the other over his mouth.

The blonde could only watch him go, face passive but a knife twisting in his gut. He didn't know who to blame as he stared at Levi's shut door and the miles between them. I fucked up.


1 Missed Call From Zoe Hanji

From Zoe Hanji:
Erwin I have an idea!
Received 11:20 PM

2 Missed Calls

From Zoe Hanji:
Erwin, answer the freaking phone
Received: 11:40 AM

To Zoe Hanji:
I can't. I'm watching the news with Levi.
Sent: 11:49 AM

From Zoe Hanji:
Fine, fine, I'll text it. Sheesh Erwin, make me work why don't ya. Anyway, you haven't guess what my idea is!
Received: 11:53 AM

To Zoe Hanji:
And what might it be?
Sent: 12:05 PM

From Zoe Hanji:
You've heard of caring hands right?
Received: 12:05 PM

From Zoe Hanji:
You know, the one for soldiers who come back home
Received: 12:06 PM

To Zoe Hanji:
Zoe, I don't recall hearing of any others so yes, I know of it. Why?
Sent: 12:10 PM

From Zoe Hanji:
I was thinking you and Levi could attend a few meetings, see how it is.
It might help
Received: 12:11 PM

To Zoe Hanji:
There must be a lot of emphasis on might, isn't there?
Sent: 12:16 PM

From Zoe Hanji:
… Shut up it's better than nothing.
Received: 12:17 PM

To Zoe Hanji:
Zoe, I don't know how he would handle it. He has trouble here and there's no one talking about the war and combat.
Sent: 12:24 PM

From Zoe Hanji:
Erwin, please just try and convince him. I think it'll help. Besides, you can always talk him into doing whatever you want. Don't even try to deny it
Received: 12:25 PM

To Zoe Hanji:
I'll try.
Sent: 12:28 PM

From Zoe Hanji:
THANK YOU ERWIN. And don't let him back out after one meeting. You either. Don't think I don't see you grimace and grab your arm.
Received: 12:29 PM

To Zoe Hanji:
I won't let him. We'll go together.
Sent: 12:33 PM

From Zoe Hanji:
Good! I'll send you the address in a mo.
Received: 12:34


He lurched into consciousness, bile building in the back of his throat. Cold sweat drenched his body, his heart pounded against his ribs. His arm was enveloped in sheer agony. Like a fire had engulfed it from fingertips to bicep. Stripping away the flesh, searing away the muscle and sinew, laying his bones bare for the world to see.

Erwin's teeth sank into his hand, as he fought back the noises that threatened to give away his personal hell. The blonde doubled over, eyes clenched shut as he buried his head into the sheets. Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit!

He could feel that helicopter blade tearing through his flesh, snapping the bone like it was a twig, ripping his arm off. But there was no initial shock and numbness like there had been. No, it was just pure, undiluted agony that seared his body and threatened to drive him insane.

A quiet moan escaped him, a pathetic, miserable sound. His fingers curled – both phantom and real – into the sheets, holding on for dear life and the fire in his arm built to an inferno. The flames licked up his arm in waves, searing away the flesh over and over and over again. No respite. Only unending waves of limitless agony.

The memories were a movie in his mind, replaying again and again every time the pain began anew. Seeing Levi loom over him for once with wide and frantic eyes. Hearing those words, disjointed and jumbled: "Stay with me ya bastard, don't ya dare die on me!" Waking up in the hospital and hearing Zoe sob as she choked out that Levi was gone. Again and again.

Fingers clenched, holding on for dear life as his phantom arm burned away. A cleansing of fire. The blade bit into his arm once more, tearing it away. Leaving a blank, empty space behind. Leaving no feeling but agony in the abruptly shortened nerves.

But the agony was different. Somehow, some way, it was different. Less.

A shaky breath of relief fled him as the waves of fire grew smaller. Receding, leaving nothing but the memory in its place. It left his phantom fingertips first, slowly dissolving into nothing as the false flesh above it began to lose all sensation once more. Disappearing as his brain gradually came to the realization that yes, his arm was still gone, that it hadn't just been some God-forsaken nightmare.

Rivulets of sweat rolled down his back, making his shirt cling to his back. His fingers – the real ones – flexed, testing the strength. His muscles were weak, his hand sore, but he was fine. No agony - real agony anyway.

Erwin mussed his hair before he touched the abrupt stop of his arm. The skin was mostly smooth where they'd had to graft skin over the exposed wound. A few scars remained from where they'd had to stitch it all back together after they'd taken the more ruined parts of his arm that weren't salvageable. The shredded muscle and useless bone.

Another soft sigh of relief escaped him as his fingers grazed the tingling skin. He can never know. Levi had enough shit going on without someone else's problems heaped onto his own. The blonde stood, shedding his shirt as he walked blindly but confidently to the bathroom in the dark. His sweat-soaked clothes hit the hamper. Gentle curls of steam began to fill the room by the time Erwin stepped into the shower, hand shaking slightly, arm still aching, but mostly composed.

Hopefully, Levi was asleep. They had a long day ahead of them. All because of Zoe's "brilliant" plan. It was worrying at its best possible outcome, disastrous at its worst. Going to that meeting… I don't know how Levi will do with that… He's strong, but nothing like he was. Hell, he has trouble simply talking to us. It can't go well…


I apologize that Erwin's chapter is a bit short. However, it was a good stopping point so I went with it. Thank you for reading and see you next week! Have a wonderful day/night/existence!

This is also on AO3 under fairylights101. Follow updates on tumblr at fairylights101 or using the tags #BAB_fic or #BendingAndBreaking_fic