Goodbye So Soon

My head was throbbing when I woke up last Tuesday, no doubt from the effects of too much wine. I usually have only one glass, or perhaps two on special occasions, but it had been a rough night. The police had nearly captured five of my men!

A criminal mastermind is judged by a complicated mathematical formula: the ratio of his men apprehended in proportion to the severity of felonies committed. If a mob leader has less than half a dozen men arrested per year, and his gang is guilty of at least three robberies a week and over ten murders a month, his criminal ring is successful. On the other hand, if someone commits two felonies per month and fifteen of his men are arrested in one week, no one will respect him.

Was it just me, or was Basil getting smarter? Curse him! Other detectives could figure out what crimes I had committed, but Basil could deduce my reasoning and logic! He was usually able to guess what I was going to do next, sometimes even before I knew!

The incessant meowing, which interrupted my train of thought, wasn't helping my migraine.

I opened my bedroom window. "Can you at least wait until I have my own breakfast before you start begging for yours?!"

Felicia pouted, trying to make me feel guilty for having overslept after forgetting to feed her last night. She was wasting her time. I haven't felt guilty about anything for years now.

Basil had almost succeeded in sending five of my men to jail, my head was still hurting, and I had an impatient cat waiting outside.

"I hate my life," I muttered as I began fixing breakfast.

No, that wasn't entirely true. My criminal ring was the most successful in the empire, more powerful than any police force or even the military. I had ultimate control of Mousedom's most feared citizens. Leaders of gangs in other parts of the empire feared my name and sent me lavish gifts to pay homage. Even the most vicious brutes trembled at the mention of Professor Padraic Ratigan, and I was paid honor by all felons, even those I had never met. All criminals aspired to be like me, ruthless and unstoppable. In short, I was the envy of all lawbreakers.

I had everything I wanted: fame, money, power, etc. If I wanted something I didn't have, it was mine in less than a week, no matter what it was. One of the crown jewels. A priceless artifact. The end of someone's life. Ten more men to serve me.

In fact, even dealing with Basil wasn't so bad. I could outwit him easily if I thought hard enough, and it was great fun watching him realize that once again, he lacked enough evidence to see me convicted. I especially enjoyed times when he was sure he had precisely what he needed to see me locked away, only to fail due to some minor detail he had overlooked.

Having finished breakfast, I was in much better spirits. Changing into one of my finest suits, I stepped outside to feed the cat.

"Good morning, my angel!" I crooned.

She motioned to the sky to show it was almost noon.

"Alright! I'm sorry I'm late!"

She held out her paw.

"Not a chance!" I argued. "It's bad enough that I apologized to a cat! I'm not kissing your paw!"

Felicia motioned to my cape.

"Yes, I know a true gentleman kisses a lady's hand to show her he's sorry, but I don't have to grovel before you!"

She nodded.

Having no other choice, I gave her paw a quick kiss. I then gave her a bit of extra food to pacify her. That being finished, I went to get some antiseptic for my lips.

I hate that cat! When she was a kitten, she found new ways to try my patience daily, but she'd do as I said. When she was a little older, she was the ideal pet, finally wicked enough to eat live mice but still obeying my every whim. Lately, she's been one trial after the other. I especially hate the look she gets in her eyes. She listens to me and does my bidding since I make sure she's well-fed, but it's like she's suddenly come to the realization that she's nearly three times my size, and she thinks that means she has some sort of power over me. Right now, she still depends on me to meet her needs, so I know she won't do anything rash, but some of the looks she gives me tend to make me a bit unnerved.

Pushing my thoughts aside, I thumbed through an old photo album and noticed a picture of myself as a mere infant clinging to my mother's hands as I walked on a beach for the first time. Even at that age, I was as tall as her waist, for my parents were a smaller species of mouse than I am, as Basil and my henchmen are. (I was adopted.) The back of the picture was labeled "Padraic's First Holiday."

Holiday?! What an excellent idea! A nice vacation was just what I needed! It would be the perfect escape from reality and a certain detective who has made a career of interfering with my plans.

Basil upsets me.