South Park © Matt & Trey.
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November.
Early in the month, I call Craig to my house and then invite Kenny over. It might seem like a stupid plan, but I don't know what else to do. I think this might be the only way the two of them will be able to stop whatever it is that's going on between them.
Me and Craig hang around the main floor until the doorbell rings. I let Kenny in and Craig immediately begins to fall apart. Definitely not a good sign. "Why is he here?" Craig demands, pointing at his ex.
Kenny holds up his hands and says, "Look, I'm not here to start shit. I just want to talk to you. I think we both need it… Closure, y'know?"
Craig is flushed. He's probably angry because of it. I bet I'll get a mouthful from him once Kenny leaves.
"Come on," I say, "just… talk. Craig, tell him how you're feeling and vice versa."
Craig crosses his arms and mutters, "Fine." He nods for Kenny to follow him into the kitchen while I stay seated in the living room. I hear quiet murmurs at first, but I try to listen hard. I'm a nosy cow and I want to know what they're saying. I move to the sofa closer to the kitchen and keep my ears open.
"You were my first everything," I hear Craig confess. "You were the first person I went on a date with, you were my first boyfriend, my first serious relationship, my first kiss, my first fuck… You took it all."
"I know," Kenny responds easily.
"Maybe it didn't mean much to you," Craig continues, sounding meek and small. "I know I wasn't any of that for you. You've been with a lot of people."
"It meant something," Kenny murmurs, but he doesn't say what it meant.
Craig lets out a bitter laugh. "Somehow I doubt it," he says. "You lie a lot. You lie about everything. It comes so easy to you. Sometimes I feel like all you did was lie to me."
"Look," Kenny sighs, "I'm trying to work on myself… to be better, more patient, more… I dunno, fuck…" A pause. "You taught me a lot. There's some honesty. It might not be what you want to hear, but it's true. You taught me a lot."
"So, I was a lesson?" Craig asks him calmly.
"I guess, in a way, you were," Kenny answers. "I don't think it's a bad thing. You taught me to be a better person… Well, at least a little bit better than I was when we first started to date."
"Why won't you fuck off?" Craig bites out. "I'm trying to move on, but you're making it impossible."
There's a long silence before Kenny admits, "I guess I'm possessive. I wanted to see if you had anyone new who would take my place."
"I'm not like you," Craig murmurs. "I can't find someone to fuck as soon as I get out of a relationship. I don't fuck freely like you."
"I know," Kenny admits.
"Why'd you have to go after Rebecca?" Craig asks somewhat desperately. "She was one of my best fucking friends and you fucked that up…"
"She fucked it up, too," Kenny mumbles. "It wasn't just me…"
"Did you even like her?" Craig asks. "Or did you just want a change of scenery?"
"I don't even know…" Kenny admits. He pauses and the next words to leave his mouth are potentially fatal: "What would you do if I said I wanted you back?"
Ah, fuck. There it is. Kenny is going to try and reel him back in again and the cycle will continue. God damn it… I want to go in there and punch Kenny in the face, but I force myself to stay still. This is none of my business. It's between Kenny and Craig. If Craig wants to be with Kenny, there's really nothing I can do but try to support him. I feel like as long as he is happy, I'll be happy… but he's never truly happy when he's with Kenny. It's just a toxic cycle of complete shit.
It's silent again. "I feel like…" Craig starts, only to pause a second later. "I feel like if you said that a few months ago I would have fallen on the floor with my legs open, but… if you say that now… I'd say no. I'll admit I still want to be with you, but I'd never let myself go like that again."
"Hm," Kenny muses. "You're different."
I let out a deep breath. Thank God. I stand up and wander upstairs, giving them privacy. I go into my room and play around on my phone, trying to distract myself.
I think it means something that Craig is going against what he wants and doing what is best for his well-being. I think Kenny helped to mute Craig's self-esteem, whether or not it was on purpose.
Eventually, I hear the front door shut. The sound is followed by footsteps nearing my room. A moment later, Craig is hovering.
"Hey," I say.
"Hey," he echoes. "Kenny left."
"How do you feel?" I ask him. "Better?"
"I don't know," he admits. "Better, somehow… and also worse."
"That's understandable," I assure him.
"I'm not going to cry," Craig decides. "He's not worth it."
"Yeah," I say, standing up and shoving my phone in my pocket. "Want to go get some fresh air?"
He nods and we make our way to Harbucks to get warm drinks. The air is crisp and there are light snowflakes falling. When we enter the café, we see Tweek behind the register and he waves at us when he spots us approaching.
"Long time no see," I say with a grin.
"Likewise," he responds with a lopsided smile.
I order a cappuccino and I get Craig plain green tea. We chat mildly with Tweek as he makes our drinks, telling him about what's been going on around town. Tweek likes to stay detached and not experience most things for himself. However, he never minds hearing about it.
With our drinks, me and Craig sit at the back of the café in the corner near a window.
"Everyone will be returning back to South Park for winter break," I say offhandedly.
Craig nods, smiling faintly. "Think they missed us?"
"Of course!" I insist.
December.
Christmas came and went. Since my dad hates me, I spent the holiday at Craig's house. I got his parents a set of wine glasses. I got Ruby a gift card for the mall since I have no idea what to buy a fourteen year old girl. I got Craig the entire works of Mark Twain – his favorite author. Everyone just got Craig books. He's kind of hard to shop for, but he likes to read. Apart from that, Thomas got Craig a can of pepper spray. Again. Ever since Craig came out, his dad has been wary of every new guy that steps near his son. "Men are dangerous and they only want one thing." I'm sure he'll start buying Ruby cans of pepper spray when she starts dating, too.
Craig bought his parents an expensive wine to go with the glasses I got them. It was funny going Christmas shopping with him. He got frustrated trying to figure out what to get everyone. He ended up letting me pick my own present. So, I got a wool cardigan. It's pretty comfy. I'm not really one to shop for clothes, so it was nice. Usually Bebe takes me shopping and helps me out since I'm basically remedial when it comes to style.
It's Boxing Day now and I'm still loitering at the Tucker residence. They never seem to mind. Token, Nichole and Bebe are going to be coming over in a bit to do a belated gift exchange. Me and Craig are still in our pajamas, but we probably won't be changing out of them any time soon.
"Man, I gotta go to the gym," I say, patting my stomach. "I haven't worked out all week."
"You look fine," Craig insists with a mocking smile. "Your muscles won't deflate in that short of time."
I just chuckle. "Yeah, yeah."
Soon enough, the doorbell rings. Craig stands up and goes to answer it. He returns with Bebe, Token and Nichole behind him.
"Hey, nerds," I greet them.
"Present time!" Bebe says, skipping into the room and hopping onto Craig's bed. "Me, Token and Nichole already exchanged presents earlier, but we got stuff for you guys."
"Likewise," I tell her.
We all sit in a circle on Craig's bed – though it's a tight squeeze with five people.
"I'm first," Bebe declares, digging wrapped gifts out of her massive purse. "Okay, here!" she says, handing one to me and one to Craig. She lets out a devious laugh, causing Craig to narrow his eyes at her.
"What the fuck is in here?" he asks, holding up the present. It's wrapped neatly with ribbon and a bow.
"You'll see," she sings.
Craig grimaces before slowing tearing the wrapping paper. He turns away as he opens it, shielding the gift from everyone's eyes. A split second later he turns back around and gives Bebe the meanest look ever. "Bebe!" he barks.
"She bought me one, too, Craig," Nichole says. "Don't feel bad."
"What is it?" I ask.
Craig puts a hand over his face and hands the half-opened present to me. Ah. It's a vibrator. I open it the rest of the way and then hand it back to Craig, stifling a laugh.
"If it's any consolation, she got me one, too," Token adds, patting Craig on the back.
I squint at Bebe. "Then… what did you get me…?"
"Open up and see," she winks.
So, I do and as it turns out, she got everyone vibrators for Christmas.
"Why the hell is mine so much bigger?" Craig asks, snatching the box out of my hands and comparing it with his.
"Because your ass can probably handle it," Bebe says lewdly. "Clyde could barely take a finger from me."
I pale considerably. "Bebe…" I whine. "Don't tell people that…"
She smiles sweetly. "Sorry, hun."
"Anyway!" I declare, clapping my hands together. "Moving on!"
"Yes," Craig agrees tartly.
Next, we open presents from Nichole and Token. Suffice to say, they're a lot less exciting than Bebe's presents were. Soaps, shampoos, scented candles. You can definitely tell Nichole picked the stuff out.
Then it's my turn. I got Bebe every season of Teen Wolf on DVD since they were cheap, I got Nichole Louisa May Alcott's Little Women novel series and I got Token the latest season of Game of Thrones. Everyone seems pretty pleased.
When it's Craig's turn, he admits, "I didn't know what to get anyone."
"It's the thought that counts," Bebe says with a smile.
"The thought, huh?" he mutters. "I wonder what you were thinking when you bought everyone fucking vibrators…"
She smiles lewdly and simply shrugs her shoulders.
Craig bought everyone educational literature. For Bebe, he bought a book called Cunt. I think that's hilarious. I was with Craig when he made the purchase and he insisted firmly that the book was probably nothing what I thought it would be like. For Nichole, he bought a book called Manifesta and for Token he bought a book called The Lucifer Effect. They all get chatty about their smart-people books and I just sit here listening like a dunce. School wise, I'm not particularly smart. Token and Nichole are geniuses. Bebe and Craig are smart, too, though neither of them did particularly well in school. They were just lazy. I think the only reason Bebe is in university is because her parents urged her to go. I half expect her to drop out in her second year, but hopefully she follows through with it.
Soon, the conversation shifts. We spend the rest of the night lazing around, talking about the old days and catching up.
January.
It's the first. Last night we rang in the New Year together with a bottle of rum. It was just us alone in his house. His parents were at some party at the Marsh residence while most of the kids in town went to Token's house. I knew Craig wouldn't be up for a party, so we stayed in. We watched the count down on the television and when it got to the last seconds, Craig turned around and kissed me again. This time, however, it was different. Instead of pulling away after a split second, he stayed still. I kissed him back and his lips parted immediately. My fuckin' dreams came true. I got to tongue Craig Tucker. I just smiled and neither of us mentioned it once it was over, but it's probably my fondest memory at this point. I want to know what it means, but I lack the courage to ask him.
"I turn nineteen at the end of the month," Craig murmurs offhandedly as we walk around town. It's snowing again and it's dark, though it's still pretty early. We were both too hung over to move earlier.
"Yeah, I know," I say. "On the twenty-fifth. So, what do you want to do for it? Anything special?"
"No," he says. "Just take the day off and we'll hang out."
February.
Craig's birthday came and went without a hitch. We ended up getting drunk again and he cried about getting older and then he passed out. I spent the day nursing his hangover. I kind of revelled in the fact that he allowed me to take care of him.
He's been kissing me a lot. I still don't know why. It never goes any further than our mouths. No touching apart from lips. I feel like if I tried, he'd just smack my hands away. He needs to be the one to initiate it. I guess I'm fine with that, but I don't want to be his distraction. I want it to mean something.
I'm just glad Kenny is out of the picture and Craig seems to be coping better. Perhaps closure really is what he needed. He needed to tell Kenny what he was feeling and he needed to say it was over. After that, Kenny stopped hovering.
I finally tried out the vibrator Bebe got me. It felt good. Really good. I told Bebe that and she seemed pleased with herself. I can't help but wonder if Craig used his yet. I said it once and I'll say it again – I'd pay to see him fuck himself. Thinking about it makes my dick twitch… So, I try not to think about it. I don't want to jack off to the thought of Craig. I feel like that would be a total betrayal of his trust.
Usually I can distract myself when my mind starts reeling, but right now I'm sitting alone in my room. There isn't much to do, so I grab my laptop and start looking at porn. I watch strictly vanilla sex. I hate seeing girls gagged, choking and crying. It just upsets me because I can't reach into the screen and put a stop to it.
I click a video of the first cute girl I see and start whackin'. When I finish, I feel cheap and deflated. I fucking hate porn.
I clean off and then make myself a sandwich for supper. Afterward, I watch television for an hour and then I decide to just go to bed because I'm horny again.
March.
Me and Craig are sitting on my bed watching Futurama on Netflix. He looks bored, but he won't tell me what he wants to do no matter how many times I ask.
"Dude," I say. "If you're not into this, we can do something else."
"It's fine," he responds carelessly.
"If you say so," I mutter, lying back against one of my pillows. He stares down at me with a blank expression on his face. "What?" I ask, looking up at him. He doesn't say anything. He moves closer so his face is a mere inch away from mine. Then he closes the gap. "Craig…" I murmur. "Why do you keep doing that?" Instead of responding, he leans down and does it again. He drapes himself on top of me and parts his lips, letting my tongue explore every inch of his mouth.
I let my hands move up his back beneath his shirt before travelling down south. I slip past the waistband of his sweatpants, realizing he isn't wearing underwear. I cup his ass, squeezing and a split second later, he draws back and stares down at me. When I think he's about to tell me to back off, he says something else entirely. "Hey…" he murmurs. "Wanna have sex with me?"
"What?" I croak, nearly choking on my own saliva. "Why?"
"Sometimes I just miss it," he admits. "Kissing someone I care about… and sex. I never thought I'd miss that, but I do. To be close to someone… It can be scary, but it can also be nice."
"Yeah," I say softly. I understand what he means by that… but I don't want to scare him.
He gets out of bed and stands up, reaching for the rim of his t-shirt before pulling it over his head. Next, he reaches for his sweatpants, pushing them down past his hips. More and more milk-white skin is revealed and I can feel myself growing aroused. "Craig…" I murmur his name, feeling worried and excited at the same time.
"Sh," he hushes me. "If you ask me if I'm sure… I'm going to wring your neck. I'm not made of glass, you know."
"But –" I start, only to be cut off.
"I trust you," he says with finality. "Now get undressed."
I nod absently before shrugging out of my clothes and discarding them in a pile on the floor. I sit back down, leaning against the headboard of the bed.
Craig moves closer, his body shifting on top of mine as he settles on my lap. To have him this close… Well, it's like heaven. I stare at him – all of him. It's intimate. It's far more intimate than anything I've experienced, even with past girlfriends. I feel like he's allowing me to look at him – really look at him for the first time. He's giving me permission. I reach my hands up and touch his face, rimming my thumbs across his closed eyelids, cheekbones, lips, chin, jaw… I touch his shoulders and collar bones before moving my palms down the flat plane of his smooth stomach. He feels nice. Warm. Soft. I stare down at his legs, his bent knees. I see faint scars on his thighs – straight lines of raised, pale skin. I ghost my fingers across them. They make me feel incredibly sad for him, but I don't mention it. Nonetheless, he knows exactly what's going through my head.
"Don't worry about that," he says. "They're old."
"Oh," I whisper hoarsely.
"Keep touching me," he murmurs. "Your hands feel nice."
I press my mouth into the crook of his neck and continue to touch every inch of his skin. He could have any guy he wants. I hope it means something that he asked me. I want it to mean something…
"Do you have anything to… you know…?" he asks vaguely.
"Mhm," I say, locking an arm around him and reaching into my nightstand to grab a bottle. I open the cap and pour a decent amount into my hand before letting it travel behind Craig. He arches his back, leaning into me and giving me easier access. I rub slow, teasing circles around Craig's entrance, eliciting a whine from him. He wraps his arms around my neck, letting out a shuddery sigh as I slide a finger inside. Then another and another. We kiss sloppily and he moans into my mouth, grinding against me.
I'm praying that I won't wake up from this and realize it was just a dream because I've wanted this to happen for a long, long time.
Soon, his breath hitches and he comes. Music to my ears. It's fuckin' beautiful. For a moment, he's quiet and still. I remove my fingers and wipe them off before rubbing his back for a minute. "Okay?"
"Mm." When he pulls away, he grabs the lube and starts coating my erection.
"Craig," I say his name again, still unsure if he wants to go this far.
"Sh," he hushes me once more, positioning himself before sinking back down. His eyebrows draw together and he lets out a breath, relaxing himself.
My dick is inside Craig Tucker. Nice. My wet dreams have been made into reality.
After he's adjusted, he puts his hands on my shoulders to steady himself and starts rolling his hips. There's practised ease in his movements – like he's done it enough times. It feels good. He feels good.
Craig lets out deep, sobbing breaths as he rhythmically impales himself. I watch him with a perverse awe, trying not to jizz on the spot.
He comes again and I follow as he rides me throughout his second orgasm. He doesn't make me pull out.
When it's over, he gingerly lifts himself off of me. I feel sticky, but not unpleasantly so. I'll have to wash the sheets later. He lies down, staring up at the ceiling. I do the same and a second later, he shifts closer, moving so half of his body is on top of mine. He presses his face into my chest, remaining quiet.
And so we lay here side by side both radiating post-sexual warmth.
After a minute, I feel something wet on my leg – which I assume is the spooge I left in his ass – and then I feel something wet on my chest. "Craig, are you crying?" I ask.
"No," he insists flatly.
"Then look at me," I say.
"No," he repeats himself.
April.
Craig was crying. He went home after that and refused to talk about it once it was over. I've asked him about fifty times, but he continues to avoid the subject with a surprising amount of strategic dexterity. It's beginning to frustrate me. I don't know what else to do.
After his shift at the pet store, I decide to pick him up. He gets in the car without protesting.
"So, w'sup?" I ask him.
"Nothing," he responds.
"How was work?"
"It was fine," he says. "We just got puppies… They're going fast. All the little kids come in and want to hold them. I never let them hold the animals. I hold them myself and let the kids pet them."
"Probably smarter," I snort. "I bet all the kids would just drop them."
"Yeah," he mutters. "I've seen that happen a few times. Dumb asses." A pause. "Okay, now that we have the formalities out of the way, what is it you want to talk about?"
"What do you think I want to talk about?" I retort.
He sighs angrily. "Just drop it, Clyde."
"No!" I exclaim.
"Why?" he asks, giving me a stiff lip.
"Don't pout," I say, causing him to sneer at me. "Look, we had sex," I state. "Sex! You don't just randomly decide to do something like that with your best friend, dude!"
Craig turns away and knocks his head against the glass of the window. "Shut up," he demands pleadingly.
I'm getting so fucking frustrated. He's always up and down. I pull off to the side of the road and park, turning to look at him. "We're going to talk about this and we're going to talk about it now!"
"Stop shouting," he murmurs with a wince.
"Come on," I try in a softer tone. "Was I just your distraction?"
"No," he says.
"Then just admit you feel something for me…" I probably sound desperate as hell.
"I don't," he insists wetly.
"Then why did you want to sleep with me?" I ask shakily. "You're not the kind of guy to just do that kind of shit willy-nilly. I know it meant something." I can feel hot, pathetic tears leaking out of my eyes thoroughly against my will, but I can't seem to make them stop. I'm crying because he's crying and now neither of us can seem to fucking stop.
For a minute Craig just presses his lips together, simply staring at me. "I don't want a repeat of what happened with Kenny," he whispers the confession.
"Well, maybe it won't be a repeat," I challenge him. "I'm not like Kenny. Maybe our relationship would be different." I guess now is the time for honesty. Finally. "Craig… I've… I've loved you for a long fucking time… and when I say that, I don't mean platonic love. I'm in love with you."
Craig lets out a sharp sob, like they're words he can't bear to hear. It's like I'm hurting him by saying it, but I don't know why. "Shut up!" he shouts. It's probably the first time I've heard him raise his voice and it's unsettling. He clasps his hands over his ears, breathing heavily.
"Fine," I mutter. I sniff loudly and force myself to calm down. I start the car again and drive Craig home, pulling into his driveway. "Bye," I say bitterly.
Craig doesn't get out. Instead, he hunches over. He runs his hands through his hair until it's messy, grabbing handfuls of it. Then he looks at me.
"What?" I ask flatly, trying to hide my frustration.
"Sorry," he mumbles.
"It's fine," I respond in that same, terse tone.
"You're mad…" he points out.
"I'm not mad," I say. "I'm frustrated. I'm confused. I'm disappointed. I'm conflicted."
"I make you feel that way?" he asks slowly.
"Well… yeah," I admit. I won't lie to him.
"Why do you like me?" he murmurs the question.
"I don't like you," I say. "I love you. There are lots of reasons for it. You're my best friend. I think the person you want to be with has to be or become your best friend in a way, y'know?"
"What do you love about me?" he pries further, sounding like he needs the answers.
"Pretty much everything," I tell him. "I love the way you look, the way you talk, the way see the world. When I was a kid I thought this was just how best friends felt for each other and I thought it was a normal platonic feeling… But then we got older and I realized, 'Hey, I want to see Craig naked,' and everything kind of pieced together. I used to be the one that cried a lot and you'd always offer your shoulder. These days, you cry more than me but you hardly ever let me help. It sucks because I'd fucking kill for you, dude. I just… I want you to know that you don't need to hide yourself like that around me. I won't think of you any different. I know you have bad days. It's normal. Even if you have a hundred bad days in a row, I'll still feel the same way. I'll still fucking love you. I'll still want to be with you."
Craig lets out a soft, shuddery breath. He's staring absently into space with half-lidded eyes. "You're too good to me…" he says after a long silence.
"Bullshit," I retort.
He smiles faintly and it's relieving to see. There's nothing cynical or malicious about it. "Want to come in, then?" he offers.
"Yeah, all right," I accept.
So, the two of us go inside.
"Hello?" Craig calls, but there's no answer. "Everyone must be out," he murmurs.
We retreat to his room and sit on his bed. "What now?" I ask.
"I don't know," he admits.
Silence.
A pause.
We both inch forward and it feels like we're preteens playing our first game of spin the bottle. We exchange a few open-mouthed kisses, sloppily making out like we're new at this – though we're both far from it. Sometimes I think it's better when it's a little messy.
Craig lies back, pulling me on top of him. When things start to get heated, a voice interrupts and we hear, "Okay, what the fuuuuck…"
We both turn out heads and see Ruby hovering in the doorway. Craig pushes me away fast, kneeing me in the groin in the process and causing me to groan loudly.
"How the fuck did this happen, Craig?" Ruby asks in a demand. She looks humored and giddy. "You guys are together? Since when? This is so fucking weird… Oh, man, I can't wait to tell all my friends. They all think you're a babe."
Craig grimaces. "I thought you were out," he admits, not bothering to respond to her questions.
"I was napping," she says, sounding sour. "I woke up to your nasty sounds…"
"We were kissing," Craig states. "He didn't have his dick in my ass."
Ruby grimaces and then makes a gagging sound before turning away. "Barf!" we hear her shout at us as she walks off.
"Sorry about kneeing you," Craig says once she's gone.
"It's fine," I say, even though it still fuckin' hurts. "So, does this mean we're together?"
"How could I say no when you were so eloquent earlier?" He's being cynical again.
"Ass," I mutter.
He smiles again. "I'm kidding," he says. "It was nice to hear someone say something nice about my personality."
"You should be used to it," I mumble. "Didn't your asshole ex ever compliment you?"
Craig wrinkles his nose. "Of course…" he says. "He'd say, 'You suck cock like a pro,' or, 'You really know how to please a guy.' But those were the only compliments Kenny gave. Besides, it was stuff I learned from him. When he first got together I didn't know anything about pleasing a guy."
"Those are shitty compliments," I say. "They don't even mean anything important."
"Yeah," Craig agrees. "He had a foul mouth. I mean, so do I… but at least I wasn't a vile person."
"You're modest," I tell him. "It's not a bad thing." A pause. "So…?"
He smiles again, looking amused. "Aren't you going to ask me out?"
"All right," I chuckle. "Craig, want to go out with me?"
And he says yes.
May.
For our first date, we forewent doing the cliché dinner out. I know Craig hates eating out anyway. He hates eating in front of any stranger who might see him. I think it's an anxiety thing. We also forewent the movie theater, because I know Craig hates how loud it gets. He hates loud noises. That's why he hates when people shout. We ended up settling on getting Chinese takeout and watching a movie at my place. We ended up watching The Crow and Adult World on Netflix. Craig fell asleep and missed the end of the last movie, but I filled him in the following morning.
We've been on another date since then and finally told his parents we're together. Thomas looked red in the face, but Laura calmed him down. "This better not be a repeat of the McCormick kid," is all Thomas said. The comment got Craig down a lot, but he bounced back. He always does, though sometimes he has a little trouble.
We haven't slept together since the first time. I want to take things slow with Craig and do it the way he wants to do it. I want this to be real. I want it to last.
Thomas compulsively checks on us when we're alone in his room. He never used to do that, but I guess it's different now that he knows we're together.
Right now, we're sitting in the living room in Craig's house. He's on the floor playing with his sister's cat. There's a small smile on his face as he does so. It makes me smile, too.
"Kenny's name used to be my favorite name," he confesses somewhat offhandedly, "and when he broke up with me, I grew to hate it. Now your name is my favorite… but I know if you ever break up with me I'll grow to hate yours, too."
"Don't think about that," I tell him. I'd like to promise him forever, but I know shit happens. Things change. We might not be together forever, but I'll be at his side as long as he wants me and as long as I can be. Above all else, we're best friends. I hope nothing ever changes that.
"I liked the way Kenny's name felt on my tongue," he continues, turning to look at me. "It was like… love came out with it, I guess. I feel like that when I say your name, too."
"That's sweet," I say sincerely. I like when he gets sentimental. It happens more these days, though it's still rare. Funny, he used to hate sentimentality.
He picks the cat up and sits down next to me, letting the cat chill on his lap for a few minutes until it jumps away.
"So, hey, did you end up using Bebe's Christmas present?" I ask him, stifling what would probably look like a pretty lewd smile. He gives me a dull stare in response. "Come on," I urge, poking him in the side.
"Yes," he says flatly. "I used it forever ago… And, before you ask, no I am not going to describe it to you."
I chuckle, wrapping my arms around him and pulling him onto my knee. "That's fine. As long as you enjoyed it."
"Hm," he muses. "Maybe, if you're good, I'll show you one of these days."
"Yeah?" I ask. "I'd be very into that."
"I know," he says, putting an arm around my neck. He stares at me for a brief moment before leaning down and pecking me on the lips. "Don't disappoint me," he says somewhat warningly.
"I'll try my best not to," I tell him, because it's all I really can promise at this point.
"All right," he relents softly. "That's fair."
We hear the front door swing open a minute later and Craig stands up. I join him and we watch Thomas and Laura step inside.
"Hi, boys," Laura greets us while Thomas just grunts.
"Hi, Mom," Craig responds. "Dad."
I just hold up my hand and wave, wearing what probably looks like a pretty nervous smile. They carry a handful of shopping bags into the kitchen and me and Craig are once again alone.
"Does your dad hate me now?" I ask him. "Does he think I had perverted intentions every time I stepped near you before we got together?"
"No," he murmurs. "He just worries more than my mom does about this stuff. My mom prefers if we're going to have sex, we do it at home where she knows we're safe. My dad would prefer my ass stays virgin… though it's way too late for that and he knows it."
I snicker at that. "Oh."
"He never liked Kenny," Craig continues. "I think it's because he was never fond of Kenny's parents. He never hid his distaste for Kenny whenever he came around and then there'd be times when Kenny got so smug about fucking me under my dad's roof. My mom didn't like him either. She just hid it better. I guess I should've listened and realized my parents were right about him being an asshole."
"It's okay," I tell him. "You were in love, right?"
"And love can make us blind," he murmurs.
"Yeah," I agree quietly. "Craig, why'd you used to hurt yourself?"
He wrinkles his nose at the mention of it before sighing and nodding for me to follow him upstairs. "Come on," he says.
So, we go into his room and he shuts the door.
"I've always been, like, really uncomfortable with myself," he says, crossing his arms. "I don't really know why. It's just something that hasn't ever gone away. Even when I was young, I was really awkward. I didn't like the way I looked. I felt like I was always too much of something." He pauses and wrinkles his nose. "I remember at Thanksgiving one year, my grandparents came down and my grandmother told my mother that me and Ruby were becoming 'so beautiful' and my grandfather cut in and said, 'Yeah, Craig is getting a little too pretty if you ask me.' I wanted to fucking die. I don't know why it embarrassed me so much."
"Yeah, you're pretty," I say, "but it's not a bad thing. Fuck anyone who says it is. Guys can be pretty. Chicks can be handsome."
He smiles faintly, shrugging. "I guess I'm just… used to seeing guys that look like you all over the place. I never see guys that look like me. I was thirteen when I came out. By then, I knew what I wanted. Before, I was just really confused and conflicted. My parents were really supportive. Ruby was fine with it, though she did a bit of teasing. My grandfather claimed he knew the entire time. He was sour about it."
"Didja tell the old fart to can it?" I ask tersely.
Craig lets out a short laugh. "No… I just kind of took it. Anyway, I guess it sounds melodramatic when I say it out loud. I can't really communicate the way it felt. It wasn't an isolated incident. I got a lot of shit for it. I guess that's why I was such a dick when I was younger, always bullying people. I wanted to seem bigger than I felt. I was one of the tallest kids, but everyone quickly started outgrowing me. My outsides matched my insides and I just felt even smaller. I guess I didn't know how to let out all the shit I was feeling so I resorted to hurting myself. Hurt yourself on the outside and it numbs you on the inside."
I frown, feeling really sympathetic. "I wish I knew…"
"Kenny would get so fucking mad," Craig says with a bitter laugh. "He was frustrated, but for all the wrong reasons. It was like… he didn't care that I was upset, he just wanted me to be fine so he wouldn't have to deal with it and so he wouldn't have to see the aftermath of my bad turns. Then he'd be able to fuck me and not have to look at a bunch of scabs or listen to me complain that it stings when he bent my legs at certain angles."
"That's so wrong," I murmur.
"He didn't understand it," Craig reasons lightly.
"No excuse," I say.
"I guess not," he agrees. "Anyway, I'm better now," he adds with finality.
"Are you?" I wonder.
"No," he relents with a snort. "I'm still an insecure mess." I'm surprised he allowed himself to actually admit it out loud. Craig sits down on his bed and I sit down next to him. "I have little confidence," he adds. "That's probably yet another reason I stayed with a guy like Kenny, even though he always made me feel like shit. I guess I got used to it to the point where it was almost familiarly comforting at times. I missed it when it was gone, as sick as it sounds. I don't think he was consciously ever trying to hurt me... It's just something that happened."
"Well, wanna know what I think?" I ask him before answering, "Things like self-confidence and self-esteem and all that… They can be taken back."
"What if I never had them to begin with?" he wonders.
"Then they can be gained," I say.
"Hm," he muses. "Then I guess I have something to work on."
I smile at him and nod. While Craig has things to work on, so do I. I don't want to be naïve when it comes to Craig's feelings. I know I'm not the smartest guy around. I'm a bit simple-minded and oblivious, but I learned a lot about Craig in the past year. There's no going back now.
