Brendan

So they didn't get that bank loan they were after. I found that out when I was in the Dog having a pint, and the pair of them walked in, Steven and Douglas. They were still in their suits from their meeting: Steven looked nothing like the boy I met the year before last. Nothing like him, and exactly like him.

When they told me they hadn't got the money, I said I was sorry to hear it, and I was, but Steven didn't believe me. Course he didn't. I might not be making something of my life, but at least I'm not you, Brendan. He spat the words out like he hated me, then he told Douglas to get him a beer and stalked off like he couldn't stand to breathe the same air as me.

I'd have bought him a drink; but he wanted Douglas's, not mine.

I think Douglas felt sorry for me. Jesus. He's just disappointed, he said, We both are, as if that was the reason Steven couldn't abide me. I don't know why I didn't tell him to fuck right off with his pity, but I didn't, I listened to myself being honest for once. Even when I'm genuine he doesn't believe me... I only want the best for him. I dunno, maybe I thought Douglas would put in a word, because they're friends, right? They're mates.

Maybe Douglas was my way in. I told him again, like I'd told Steven at his flat in the morning, I could lend them the money to get them started. I could see the Yank was tempted – this was Douglas, after all, and when did Douglas ever turn down the offer of money? When did he ever say no to me? Only this time, he did. Ste wouldn't take your money. Acquiring a backbone at last, Dougie boy? Cos I have to say, this loyalty to Steven's wishes was a surprising turn of events.

I told him Steven didn't have to know. I worked on him, his selfish side. Self-interested is maybe a nicer way of putting it. Not much nicer, but... It's the side I know what to do with. What do you want, Douglas? Don't you want to make something of yourself? I could see him wavering before he picked up the beers, his and Steven's, and went off to sit with his mate.

:::::::

I didn't see Steven around the next day. I know what he's like when he's unhappy, when he's been let down, when he's had one kick too many: he goes into himself, lies low. I thought about going round to his place, see if he was there, but I guessed I was the last person he'd be wanting to see. Not that I usually let that stop me, but I didn't feel like seeing him look at me like he does these days. It gets to you after a while, okay?

Saw Douglas though, I did, a couple of times. First time, we locked eyes but he walked away and I let him. Let him stew. Next time, I made a move. He was peering into the window of the shop they'd set their hearts on, and I went up and spoke to him. They hadn't given up hope, apparently: at least according to Douglas the dream was alive. I thought he meant he was considering my offer, but no. Ste isn't interested. Yeah, I got that by now. I said to him, Steven doesn't have to know. Am I a stuck record or what? And then Douglas said, I'm not gonna lie to him.

We'll see about that. Seems to me, Douglas never worried about lying to his mates in the past, not when I got him robbing their flat for me; not when I had him dealing under their noses; not when I used him to set Rae up with enough of the white stuff to get her put away for years. He seemed to be sticking to his guns this time though. What's so different about Steven? What's setting him apart from the other friends, the ones that Douglas would betray in a heartbeat? I mean, I know what's different about Steven for me: for me, he's under my skin and in my head and in my dreams every fucking day and night. But what's in it for Douglas, why's he so keen to do right by him?

He'll come around though, the Yank. He'll come for the money in the end, because he can't resist. That's the thing about Douglas: he's weak. He vacillates. All I've got to do is wait for the wind to change.


Ste

It's my fault we didn't get the loan. It would be, wouldn't it – when does anything ever go right when I get involved? I had to open my big mouth and tell that bank manager about my record. You know, my criminal record, the same thing that stopped me from going to America with Amy and our kids and ruined her future as well as mine. The same thing that stops me getting all the jobs I apply for. I'll say one thing for Brendan, he didn't let it bother him when he gave me a job, he just saw that I had potential and took a chance on me. I mean, I know I sort of blackmailed him a bit too, but he didn't have to cave in, did he? I mean, he's Brendan Brady.

So anyway, after I said to the bank bloke about my record, it was like I couldn't stop myself, I just made it worse and worse, I said our business couldn't fail cos we could sell any old crap to the drunks rocking out of Chez Chez at closing time. That's the actual word I said: crap. I could die, just thinking about it. Doug was really nice about it after, which made me feel even worse. It was his dream as much as mine, and I blew it for both of us.

We met up again later and went for a drink in the Dog. First person we saw when we got there was Brendan, and I knew he'd be loving it, finding out that I was still a loser. He tried to say I'd got him all wrong, and to be honest he didn't look like he was glad, but I wasn't in the mood so I had a go at him. I think it was more like I was angry with myself, only Brendan was right there, and it was just easier to be angry with him. I mean, I've had enough practice, innt I? I'm always bloody angry with him.

I went and sat down, and Dougie brought our drinks over after a couple of minutes. I asked him what Brendan said to him after I walked off, and he said it was nothing.

It was alright, talking to Doug, and we forgot about the bank and the business, and we just chatted about, I dunno, other stuff. He told me about some of the places he's been. I knew he's been to Thailand, cos that's where him and Bex had their big romance thing, but he's been to other places too, loads. America, obviously. When he talked about it, it made me think of things off the telly, you know, films and that. New York. I never really felt like it was a real place, but the way he talked about it, he made it sound real. He knows the names of the streets and the shops, and he's been to that Central Park lots of times. He's younger than me but he's done more, and he's dead brainy, dead sophisticated, you can tell by the way he says things. I felt sort of happy that he's bothering with me, cos I'm just... well, I've never been anywhere, me, except that one time I took the kids to Disney, and that was only cos I was running away.

I saw him again the next day. We were still feeling down, both of us, but we sort of decided we weren't gonna give up. Doug started to say we could see if Brendan was serious about lending us the money, but I stopped him dead, cos there's no way I'm letting Brendan have a hold over us. Doug stuck up for him, I don't know why. I know he's worked for Brendan before, so maybe he thinks he can handle him, trust him if it's sort of business arrangements; but it wouldn't be just business for me though, would it, at least not in Brendan's way of thinking. It's always personal between me and him.

Maybe he feels like he owes you, is what Doug said. Prison might have given him time to think. Yeah, well, he's got a funny way of showing it. Sacking me and battering me doesn't make me think prison changed him for the better. I told Doug I'd rather fail by myself than owe Brendan, and he must've got the message cos then he said he was gonna make some calls and see if he could fix up some meetings with other banks. Nothing to lose, anyway.

I felt better for a bit, til Tony told me he's gonna put in an offer for the shop, just when me and Doug had decided we were gonna go for it again. I was well pissed off, and then he said we could go and work for him when he's bought our shop. I nearly told him where he can stick his job. It's like I can't be happy, I can't let myself, cos five minutes later something's gonna go wrong again. Amy was dead nice though, dead supportive when I told her what Tony said. She reckoned we'd never know if we could do it if we didn't try. And the next thing that happens? Dougie texts me to say he's got some news. I thought he was gonna say he's got us another meeting with another bank manager, but when he got to the cafe, first thing he said was he's got us the money. He didn't say how – Riley walked in, and Doug went to talk to him, and me and Amy just sat there grinning at each other like idiots.

You know that thing about being happy for five minutes?

I thought it was funny that Doug just disappeared, and I had a bad feeling, and I went looking for him and when I found him it was obvious. I said to him, You didn't get the money, did you? And I was right. It weren't his fault, he tried his best. I told him Tony was after the shop now, and he was probably gonna make a higher bid so we wouldn't of got it anyway. And then Dougie says he's still gonna get us the money, he's just waiting for a phone call from his auntie in America or something, and she might want to invest in us.

I was glad, but I was just waiting for the next knockback. I even went to see Tony and asked him to pull out and let us win, cos I know what's gonna happen: we'll finally get the money, and we won't get the shop. I thought Tony might understand that I just need a chance. He was the one that gave me a job before, when nobody else would touch me with a bargepole. I know I fucked up in the end, but he knows I've changed, and I just thought he would think me and Doug deserve a break. He didn't, though. The bank did turn you down for a reason, he said. Bastard. I lost it, I yelled at him about his brother burning his restaurant down for the insurance money. Like Tony's whiter than white. He's a smug bastard.

So I broke into his flat.

Well, I didn't even break in though really, cos I still had the keys from when Doug and me were cooking in his kitchen before he chucked us out. So I let myself in. I wasn't nicking anything, I was just looking for something. I didn't know if he had anything, you know, written down about how much he was planning on bidding for the shop, but if he did, I was gonna find it, so we'd know and we'd stand a chance.

I nearly jumped out of my skin when Brendan walked in.

Lucky it was me, he said, and it was true, what if someone else had followed me up and found me in there? Anyone else, and I might've been in trouble – like proper trouble, police sort of trouble – but at least I know Brendan would never call the police on me, not in a million years. I still tried lying to him though. I said I'd only come to give Tony his keys back, and Brendan didn't believe a word of it. If I was ever gonna lie to him about something big, I'd have to do better than that, I'd have to be clever like him.

He was being all sort of calm and superior, and nicking grapes like he had the right, and it got on my nerves so I said something horrible to him about when Warren kept getting him beat up in prison. I wanted to... not hurt him, just make him feel something. But then I sort of gave up and I told him what I was looking for in the flat, and he said I couldn't win without him, and I said I didn't want no handouts from him, and I told him he's only happy if he's interfering, infecting people's lives. And then... and then he started telling me about how he used to spit out the skin of grapes, but now he likes it; and I know he wasn't really talking about grapes but I don't know what he meant, and I don't know why he does that, cos he knows – he must know – that I don't understand.

He was right in front of me. I could smell his aftershave, it was the same one he was wearing last time we... And I knew what his skin would feel like if I touched his face, I knew exactly how scratchy his stubble would feel just by looking at it, and I shouldn't be thinking things like that after everything he's done. He took a bite of one of them bloody grapes, and he held the other half of it out like he thought I was gonna eat it out of his fingers, and I hated him for it, and I hated myself for imagining doing it: just for a second I saw myself holding his hand and sucking the juice off his fingers and thumb, and waiting to see what he was gonna do next.

I hit his hand away, and I told him I've had people like him putting me down all my life, and I've had enough.

He made a joke of it, of me. I was so angry I could've cried, but I wouldn't give him the satisfaction so I went, I left him there.

I had the last laugh anyway. I ran into Doug outside the cafe, and he's got the money for definite. He asked if I had any doubts, but why would I? We've actually got a chance of doing this. I couldn't help it, I just had to give Dougie a hug.


Brendan

I saw Douglas talking to Goldenballs. Unlikely as it seems, they're friends: Douglas the unemployed drugs rat, and Riley Costello the professional footballer. Adorable. Stands to reason, when you think about it, that Douglas was going to tap Riley for a loan. What are friends for?

I put a stop to it. There's only room for one third party in this venture, and that will be me. Just had a quiet word with Riley, reminded him that a responsible dad can't put his son's future in jeopardy with some risky investment. It was easy. The lad keeps his brains in his feet.

Got a text from Douglas soon after that. Offer still open? I texted him back to meet me in the alley after dark. No reason, just for the drama of it – I like playing with him, see, always have done. He asked what the catch was when I met him there, and I said I'd have a little job for him; I just hadn't thought of it yet.

He badgered me: text messages; hanging around outside my club. There was time before the bids were due to close, so why the desperation? That's what I ask myself. In a rush to get your hands on the prize, Dougie boy?

The task I set him was nothing. A package to drop off – let him think it was drugs – and a payment to pick up. Don't know why I wanted to make him sweat, but I itched for it; even told him to eat the note I gave him with the location of the drop-off, and he did it too. I watched him, I watched him struggle and swallow it. He needs to be clear who calls the shots here. He needs to submit, and I need to know where he stands.

Are you in? I asked him. Or are you out?

:::::::

Funny thing, when I saw Steven heading up the steps to my place, I thought he was going to see if I was at home. Why would he be? Jesus. I followed him up, and he wasn't at my door. He wasn't anywhere, and then I saw that the door of number one was ajar. I'm a fucking idiot: he'd gone in to Tony's, hadn't he.

I made him jump when I went in. He tried to lie his way out of it, but he's incapable – he'd have to get up early to get one over on me. Then he got defensive. I'm getting used to it now, the venom in him, the way his eyes burn black when he looks at me. I ignored it. He had a folder behind his back, and I asked what was in it, and he gave up then, told me what was going on. He'd found out that Tony's still gonna bid for the lease, and Steven wanted to know how much he was offering so they could beat it. Sensible, if you ask me. But he shouldn't be risking it. I asked him, is it worth doing time for? His kids losing their dad? He should leave it to me, I know how to take care of things like this. I told him he couldn't do it without me; I got the usual response. If he'd said okay, if he'd put that pride of his aside, I could have told him the money's from me, no more lies, no more secrets. But he doesn't get it. He thinks I interfere – infect his life, is how he put it – because I'm only happy when I'm doing that. Happy? I don't even know what that means, except for moments of it that are scorched onto my memory, and they are all, every one of them, moments with him, when the fire in his eyes wasn't from hating me.

I should tell him, but he wouldn't believe me, so what's the point? So I told him in a round about way, and maybe he'll think about it later when he's on his own: maybe the penny will drop. I told him... I held this grape in my fingers, and I told him, I used to hate the skin. I'd peel it off, keen to get to the good stuff underneath. I never wanted the difficult stuff, the demanding stuff. I wanted him on my terms. I wanted to fuck him, and never mind what he needed from me, what he wanted me to be, how we'd deal with everyone else knowing; how I'd deal with needing him. But now... now I love it. I'll take him, all of him, the mess and the fear and the compromise. I'll take the tough stuff. I'll take complicated.

Think I made things worse. He didn't understand; I think he thought I was taking the piss, and he got riled up again, so then I did take the piss, told him Justin Bieber ought to play him in the movie of his hard life and times. He fucked off out of the flat.

Like I said, complicated.

I looked in the file. Seventy-five grand, Tony was planning on bidding. I grabbed another handful of grapes, and headed back to the club.

:::::::

Douglas's mission didn't go according to plan. The fella I paid to meet him for the "deal" came back and told me that the kid got jumped before the exchange took place – Douglas got punched in the gut and had his package nicked. Ouch.

Douglas came to see me, angry, desperation written all over him, and I couldn't... I can't shake the feeling that there's more to this than he's letting on, and I think I know what it is, even if he doesn't know it himself yet. Denial's a powerful thing – I should know. I told him I don't like people taking things that don't belong to them, but I don't think he caught my drift. Oblique ain't really working for me; I should give it up.

It's laughable. Douglas is laughable, but I ain't laughing. You're going to a lot of lengths for Steven, I said to him: Why? He gave me some bullshit about not wanting to do these deals any more, the kind that get him beat up in the street. Hates it that much, does he, but he'll do it if it means getting that loan for Steven? For him and Steven.

He's bright, I'll give him that. He asked me if this was a set-up so he'd still owe me. Funnily enough, Dougie boy... And then he said, If it is, you can keep your money. He was raging. Usually, Douglas sucks it up. The only time I've seen him that angry before was when he thought it was me that took Rebecca from him. That was the love of his life, apparently, so fair play to him, I got why he was shooting his mouth off at me back then, but he didn't have that excuse this time, and I lost it with him. He doesn't get to decide about the money. We're past the point of no return, and the money's for Steven, not for him, and he knows that.

He fought back when I slammed him against the wall; tried to fight me off. That's new. He's normally... stoical. Stakes are higher for him now, are they? I let go of him when he calmed down, and I told him he could still have the money.

I'd got my solicitor to draw up this loan agreement. A load of legal jargon, and the clauses I required. "... The Loan is granted for the sole purpose of the purchase of the Lease of the premises known as 'Cinergy' Oakdale Drive CH1 2LX in the names of Steven Hay and Douglas Carter (the Leaseholders)... On completion of the purchase, The Leaseholders will be jointly and severally liable under the terms of the Loan... The Lender shall retain the right to assign or reassign the ownership of the Lease as he sees fit upon agreement with one or both of the Leaseholders..."

My solicitor wouldn't put his name to it, because it wouldn't stand up in a court of law; but the price was right so he drew it up for me anyway. Apparently it would require Steven's signature as well as Douglas's and mine to make it binding on the both of them, but Douglas didn't know that. He didn't even read it.

When he signed on the dotted line, I noticed he's a left-hander like me. Reckon that's not the only thing we got in common.

:::::::

I saw them in the village, the pair of them. Douglas must've been telling Steven they had the money for their dream. Steven looked happy, he glowed with it, and I wished... I wished he knew it was me that believes in him and wants nothing but the best for him. I wished it was me stood there in the middle of the street with my arms around him, and his around me.