[Disclaimer: The song used in this chapter is not mine. It's "Familiar Taste of Poison" by Halestorm. It's a really cool band. ;)]
– 2 –
3 years later
Piper was sitting by the kitchen table writing down the grocery list. She had to have everything ready before Larry would be back from work. He was always irritated after spending long hours in the office. He hated his job. His aspirations to become a great journalist had gone down the drain. As it had turned out, he was far less talented than he had thought. That left him stuck working as a clerk in one of the municipal offices. Of course, he wasn't quite ready to totally give up just yet and would go to many interviews for editor's jobs but the more often he applied and was rejected, the more unhappy man he became. This in turn left a deep scar on his and Piper's relationship which had been built on shaky foundations to begin with.
Piper was trying to make it better. She really wanted them to work out. She was doing this for their daughter. Their sweet blond baby girl who was sleeping now in her tiny red-painted room. Yes. Red. The girl had chosen the color by herself. It had been a bit disturbing at the beginning but soon both Piper and Larry got used to it. They knew their little daughter could throw quite a tantrum when something wouldn't go her way (Larry would often joke that she had it after her mommy) so they let the red room stay. It wasn't such a big thing after all. At least not to them. The grandparents didn't take the choice so easily... But oh well...
As Piper was adding another milk or spinach on her list, she heard a familiar voice coming from the TV screen. She should have known better but she couldn't help herself and looked up from her piece of paper.
"So, Vause, it's been quite a ride for you and your band for the last few years. Now you guys are releasing another album. Aren't you a little tired?"
Piper heard Alex chuckle huskily from the screen and it made her throat tighten. Why the hell did she still react that way to the brunette? So what that Alex now looked better than ever? It was getting exhausting… Really…
"I'm not tired one bit, Josh. Hell, I fuc… I love it!" Alex laughed from the screen again.
Piper changed the channel immediately. She didn't want to torture herself. It was enough for the day. She missed Alex terribly every single day and even though she tried hard to suppress her feelings, every time she saw the brunette on TV, ad, heard her song on the radio, Piper's heart would sink a bit more. There was a hollow wound deep down her soul and nothing could ever make it disappear.
The blonde sat there in silence, fighting back the tears and anger. She wasn't mad at her ex-girlfriend. Of course not. It was all Piper's doing after all. She was furious at life itself. At how it all had played out. Yet, Alex seemed to be happy. She was glowing each time Piper saw her somewhere. Several Grammy awards, full concert halls, millions of fans around the globe… and millions of dollars on her bank account. It all ensured Piper that her decision from way back when had been the right one. The only one she should have taken. Alex was happy. Alex did what she loved. Alex lived her dream. That was all Piper had ever wanted. And what about the blonde? Well, every time she looked at her daughter, at her happy smiling face, Piper was happy, too.
"I'm home." She heard Larry shout from the corridor when he entered their small apartment. He wasn't supposed to be back yet. Something must have happened and when she heard him stumble over his own shoes, she knew what had to have transpired. Larry was jobless again. Those were the moments when she wasn't happy. Not because of her husband losing the job but because of what kind of a man he would become each time life turned out to be demanding and stressful to him. Each time Larry would start to drink a little bit too much. Each time that would make him a little bit less nice, especially towards Piper.
"Larry, can you hush a bit? Laura's sleeping."
"Fuck off." He mumbled drunkenly.
"Nice." She whispered to herself. Piper was tired of this. More and more often she had enough but at the same time she was sorry for him. Life hadn't been easy for him either. "Come here." She lightly tugged on his arm, leading him slowly to the bedroom. "You look tired, honey." She knew better than to make him angry. He could be quite unpredictable while intoxicated. She'd learned that the hard way. Of course, her family didn't know anything about it. Piper learned from the best how to be quiet about certain things. Her mother taught her well that some home issues were supposed to stay that way – home issues. Piper suspected that only Polly knew a bit more than she led on.
Her best friend knew almost everything about Piper, "Alex issue" included, and even though back in the days she hadn't been the biggest fan of the brunette, as the time had passed by, she became even lesser fan of Larry. Yes, he was Polly's husband's best friend but more and more Polly grew worried about her own blond friend. Polly wasn't blind. She could see that Larry was becoming unstable. Even more so when he suffered from another failure in his life. She tried to address the issue several times but on each occasion Piper refused to talk about it truthfully so Polly let the topic drop… for now.
Piper managed to put Larry to bed before their daughter woke up. Thankfully, the man was wasted enough to fall asleep immediately.
"Mommy?" Piper almost jumped out of her own skin upon hearing Laura's tiny voice behind her back as she was closing the bedroom door quietly.
"He's OK, honey. Just tired. He'll probably join us for dinner later."
"Oh, okay…" The girl's face lightened up.
"C'mon sweet pie, you're gonna help mommy with the cooking tonight." Piper smiled at her little precious thing. "But first we gotta go shopping." She looked down at her baby girl. Yes, she was happy with her baby girl.
XxXxX
At the same time somewhere in LA
Alex and the girls got off the studio's stage after their performance and the interview. The brunette was packing her electric guitar into the case when a head full of curly hair popped through the door of Alex's dressing room.
"Yo, Vause! Drinks at Bodnar's in an hour?"
"Sure, Nicky." Alex smiled at her best friend.
"You OK?" Everybody in the band knew that Alex was only smiling brightly in front of the cameras. On the daily basis, the brunette was far from the sparkling joyful persona that she presented to her fans. Long ago Red, their manager, had explained to them what an image was. That they all should care about it because a good happy image would make them all good money, which in turn would make them all real happy. That's what Red had said and Alex complied but happy was far from how she still felt. You could say that after all those years she was OK. Fine even. She did make a lot of money and she did make a lot of people happy, her mom and her band mates included, so it was good enough for her, too. Thanks to all of that she was… fine.
Less and less often her mind would drift to a certain blonde that had broken her heart. No, she hadn't broken it – she had shattered it to pieces so tiny that one would have to use a fucking microscope to be able to find any. Yet, slowly, Alex had learned to be… fine.
She changed the women every night, which had earned her the opinion of an extreme womanizer and made her a topic of many jokes. She didn't mind it one bit. She refused to get herself attached to anyone ever again. She watched as Nicky fell in love with a girl named Lorna and she was happy for her. She watched Poussey going crazy about Soso. And she was happy for her, too. Even Pennsatucky found "the one." Alex was kinda surprised since her friend had been adamant at staying single till the rest of her days, but Alex was happy for her as well. Stella had found her Jessica. And yet again, Alex was happy for her friend. The only person Alex was unable to be happy about was herself. Piper had left her hollow. Empty. A shell. A ghost with a smiley face for the camera.
XxXxX
1 year later
Piper was sitting on a couch with Polly right next to her. They hadn't seen each other for ages since the brunette was super busy with her work. Polly had started a small line of natural cosmetics and she was fighting to make them more popular. And actually her efforts were rewarded with a constant flow of orders for her products. She once asked Piper if she wanted to join her. She sure could use a partner because as the company continued to grow, there was more and more work and Polly didn't really trust anyone else to do the job yet. She offered this to Piper several times and even though she could see bright interest shining in the blonde's eyes, each and every time she declined. Polly suspected that her friend was hesitant to accept the job because of Larry. He was the one who was completely opposed to almost everything that his wife had ever came up with. It irritated Polly beyond any means but there was nothing she could do. She tried talking to Piper about Larry but each conversation left them tired and upset. As the time passed by, the brunette detested the man more and more. Once she even caught herself thinking that Piper would have been better off with Alex… But as soon as that thought came to her mind, she dismissed it, laughing at herself... On the other hand, anyone would be better than Larry. That stupid prick didn't respect Piper. Polly used to like him but now, if she could, she would chop his head off.
Piper loved being a mom but the fact the Larry wouldn't like her to come back to work made Piper extremely uncomfortable. They had had several arguments over this, some of them were pure thunderstorms, yet Larry never backed off. This whole situation made the cracks in their marriage grow wider but Piper was persistent to make their relationship work, no matter what.
And that left her in the position she was at now. For the time being she refused to be worried about it. Polly was there, wine was there, good food was there so… They finally managed to organize their perfect girl night. Larry actually stayed with Laura that night. Maybe he had been trying to be extra nice after the latest argument but Piper temporarily couldn't give a single fuck about that. She needed to let her hair down for just one night and the perspective of spending her time with Polly made her feel happy. It was almost as if they were back in college.
The brunette found the channel which was supposed to broadcast The Oscar Gala. Both of them were big fans of the cinema and it had been ages since they watched the ceremony together. It was fun to make bets over who would win this time. Hell yes, Piper did miss Polly and her goofy sense of humor.
They were in the middle of their second bottle of dry white wine when Nicole Kidman started to announce the nominees for The Academy Award for Best Original Song. When Alex's name was pronounced Piper glanced at the screen and there she was. Her raven hair looked magnificent. Her make-up was spotless and she seemed to be glowing. She looked happy and excited.
"You OK?" Polly asked tentatively. "Let me change the channel maybe…" She grabbed the remote but Piper stopped her before she could use it.
"Shhh…" Piper was too far gone to care. She was a little more than tipsy. Her eyesight was glued to the screen. She had always avoided watching Alex's videos and performances but this time she couldn't help herself. Maybe it was because of the alcohol… or her growing unhappiness, but she needed to see the brunette even just for a minute and Polly just let her. The brunette had noticed months before that Piper wasn't happy. That she had problems with Larry, who by the way, as the time had passed by, turned out to be a major asshole. Polly actually regretted ever being against Alex. Now, she could finally see that the only person Piper had ever truly loved was her ex-girlfriend but it was also too late to change anything so Polly just bit her tongue. What difference would it make if she told the blonde what she really thought about Alex now? It would only make the matters worse.
Alex stepped onto the stage. She looked fabulous and seemed to be honestly surprised to be awarded with an Oscar for her latest song dedicated to one of the movies. Piper watched in pure awe as the brunette gave her short speech and she wished she could just hug her, tell her how much she was proud of her, how much she deserved all of that. Funny thing was that Piper hadn't even heard the song itself. She truly was very specific at avoiding everything and anything that was connected with Alex (which wasn't easy because the brunette's records were smash hits and she was everywhere: on the radio, on TV… you name it, she was there).
Soon Alex was gone from the stage and Piper felt a tingling feeling of longing. She longed to see the brunette again, even for just a second. To see her gleaming eyes, her bright toothy grin. And soon enough she was granted another glimpse at her ex-girlfriend. Alex was about to perform with her band.
"We can change the channel if you want…" Polly tried again. She knew that Piper refused to see Alex perform and she didn't want to upset her friend.
"Don't you dare." Was all that Piper could whisper drunkly. She didn't even bother to look at her friend. Her eyes were glued to the screen as if she had no control over them. She sipped her wine in order to numb herself a bit more.
The music started to play and it sent shivers all over Piper's body. Those sounds were really magnetic, heavy, so good… So Alex. The blonde just sat watching in amazement. Alex was standing there with her guitar. She wasn't playing it. Just singing with her eyes closed. She started to play her instrument and opened her eyes only when she got to the chorus.
I breathe you in again just to feel you
Underneath my skin, holding on to
The sweet escape is always laced with a familiar taste of poison
Piper gasped upon hearing the lyrics. She felt them cutting through her protective shield and she couldn't help the tears that welled in her eyes.
I tell myself that you're no good for me
I wish you well, but desire never leaves
I could fight this till the end
But maybe I don't want to win
When she looked at the screen again she could see that Alex's eyes were also moist. The brunette was moved. She did all she could to focus on her guitar and just finish the performance. She had never sang the song live. It was so much easier to record it than to present it to the world herself…
"Fuck." Polly whispered and it made Piper turn her attention to her friend. She looked at her confused, demanding a further explanation and the short brunette just smiled apologetically.
"What?" Piper insisted.
"I don't think she's thinking about the fucking movie, do you?"
"I don't know what you mean." Piper played it down.
"Sure… 'Cause Alex would cry on-stage because of some sappy film. Even I know that's bullshit." Polly stated and Piper knew she was right. It didn't make her feel any better, though.
XxXxX
After a lengthy standing ovation, the band was finally able to get off the stage. Alex was quickly walking down narrow stairs leading to the backstage. She was pushing herself hard not to run. She needed to get away from them all and take a breath. Why the hell did she even record that fucking song? Should've let it go. It wasn't supposed to be that big and now suddenly everybody wanted to listen to it. "Fuck." She cursed quietly as she felt the anger rising and she knew she had to calm down. Fast. Soon she would be surrounded by people and she had to be presentable. She was glad that those stupid stairs were so abnormally high. At least she had a few seconds to compose herself before facing another round of camera flashes and people eager to get to know her.
"That thing was marvelous!" She heard a strong Russian accent on her right just as she walked into a huge backstage room which was full of people. Red hugged each of the girls and additionally ruffled Nicky's crazy hair, a gesture which made the lion-haired woman cringe her face in annoyance but Red only laughed. "Beautiful performance, ladies. You made your manager truly proud." She beamed at them.
Alex was silently trying to even out her breath. She grabbed a glass of wine from one of the passing by waiters. She needed something way stronger to calm her nerves down but in that classy environment wine had to suffice. Later, at the after party, she would have a chance to… relax a bit more. Stella shot her a worried look but Alex pretended nonchalance as she lifted her glass as if in a toast. Unfortunately, all that it earned her was a lifted eyebrow which clearly indicated that the shorter brunette wasn't buying her bullshit. Their staring contest was interrupted (to Alex's relief) by the sound of a squealing Lorna who was jumping all over Nicky with excitement.
"I know, babe, I rock." Nicky smugly announced with a confident smirk but the girl totally ignored her and continued to jump like an overexcited kid.
"Look! I've got a selfie with Angelina Jolie!" Lorna couldn't contain her pure joy and Nicky's smile dropped. Everybody erupted in laughter and only then did Lorna realize that something was weird. "Oh shit… Don't tell me you've performed already." She said with big panicky eyes making Poussey cry with laughter.
"You're joking, right?" Nicky deadpanned.
"Awww… Honey…" Lorna pusher herself into her arms. "Don't be mad. I got distracted." She nibbled her ear and everybody decided to just leave them alone and started to slowly move back to the main theater and get back to their seats. Poussey's and Pennsatucky's partners were waiting for them. Red's husband also was with them and of course Alex's mother came all the way from NYC just to see The Gang on the big stage. She had been telling them from the very beginning that they would win but they just laughed her off. Now she was right… And she won a big bottle of the most expensive tequila since she had made a bet with Alex over the Oscar's results.
"I hope you're hiding that big fat bottle of fine alcohol somewhere here, hon." Her mother laughed into her hair as she hugged her tight and Alex hugged her back with equal force. "I swear I could use something stronger here. That wine is not really my thing."
"Thought so, mom." Alex laughed back. "But I'm afraid we'll have to endure this magnificent gala for a while longer. Red would kill me if we just slipped away unnoticed. I'm supposed to show up later for the interviews…ugh…" Alex made a face of a fussy baby.
"Don't worry, kid. It'll soon be over." Diane smiled warmly at her daughter. She could feel that something was not entirely OK with her child, a fact that Alex was trying to hide beneath the mask of smugness and humor, but a mother knows her child, always. "You okay?" She asked gently.
"Of course." Alex tensed. She knew it was difficult to fool Diane Vause. She smiled at her mom. "We're going to a party afterwards. You're my date." She grinned. She truly loved going out with that woman.
"You bet I am." She hugged her again. "And really don't worry, Al. It will be over one day." Alex tried to deny whatever her mother suggested but Diane held up her hand stopping her. "I mean it. I've been there, done that."
"I know." Alex whispered defeated.
Suddenly, they were engulfed in a huge group hug. The other girls from the band joined them. Probably the wine had started doing its magic because all of them were giggling, joking and pushing each other playfully. Even Alex had to laugh at that. She adored her friends, her band mates, her companions. In the end, they were the ones who always managed to brighten her day. Diane winked at her as she hugged Poussey. Yep. She will be better one day. Thanks to this crazy crowd.
XxXxX
Piper entered her apartment quietly. She didn't want to wake her family up. It was almost 4 am and their small flat was dark and quiet. When she lit up a small lamp, she could see that her husband and daughter must have had some fun during the day and she smiled. There were Laura's toys all over the living room floor… and tones of dirty dishes in the sink. She would deal with them after she got some sleep.
She went to check up on her daughter. The little girl was laying in her bed, a stuffed Godzilla tucked under one of her small arms.
"Thank God, she doesn't like all that pink bullshit." Piper chuckled to herself but stopped instantly when she realized that she also thought that Alex would love it, Laura being a little rebel from the get go. Her heart sunk. She really hoped that time would heal the wounds but as that evening had proven… Nothing of that old proverb was true. Yes, she did not cry herself to sleep almost each night anymore. No, she did not smell one of Alex's t-shirts anymore. But yes, her heart still was hollow as if its crucial part was gone and no, she couldn't look at the brunette without a strong feeling of longing growing inside her. That's exactly why she had been avoiding everything that was connected with her ex-girlfriend. She couldn't look at her, listen to her, read about her, yet it was difficult not to know what was going on with her because she was literally everywhere and it made Piper happy and frustrated at the same time. Even Larry would put her music on from time to time and she tried to tune herself out. But then he would comment that Alex must be such an asshole because since she had made a career, she completely forgot about her old friends. None of the girls from the band had ever contacted Piper. She was dead to them and Larry thought that all of them had to be fucking egotistic buffoons.
Once she even tried to defend the girls, and Alex especially, but all it resulted in was a huge fight and made Larry ask uncomfortable questions. So Piper never mentioned them again. Never said another thing. She couldn't risk Larry figuring their past out because only God knew what he would do. Knowing his hot-blooded character, he could even hurt Piper if he got really mad… And he would be pissed beyond measure. He would divorce her for sure… "If I were still alive." She joked humorlessly.
She took another look at her baby girl. She was growing so fast. No, she had never regretted having her. Her daughter was the only source of happiness for Piper. Her little friend, companion. She could pull it through as long as the little blonde was by her side.
XxXxX
2 years later
Piper was sitting in front of a big mirror in her bedroom. She was applying her make-up carefully. She had another hour to spare and she was glad about that because covering the black eye well would need all that time. She wasn't even angry anymore. She felt more like… abandoned. She was happy that Laura had left for the school camp and didn't have to be a witness to her yet another struggle to cover up her face. Larry was gone for the night, too. He had left right after hitting her, saying that he had had enough of her and her constant scowled face. But how to make herself look happy when her husband had forced her to move all the way to L-fucking-A where she hardly knew anyone except her new boss at the lovely bookstore where she had managed to find employment after all those years of being a stay-at-home mom. Larry hadn't been happy about that either, by the way… a fact that he hadn't forgotten to show Piper.
Why the fuck are you with him, Pipe? - Polly's question kept ringing in her head. In fact today it was louder than ever before. "Because he's Laura's father. I can't take her father away from her." Piper reminded herself but today she didn't sound convincing even to herself. What kind of a father would beat the mother of his child? Slowly, Piper was gathering the courage to put an end to all of this… She just didn't have the guts yet. She was alone in Los Angeles. She had no contacts. Her job was rather a distraction than a true source of income. LA was an expensive place to live…
After making sure that her face was presentable again, Piper went to the kitchen to grab some coffee and watch the morning news on TV. That was a little habit of hers now. She choked on her drink when she heard the news reporter's voice:
Alex Vause's mother was rushed to a NYC hospital last night. Unfortunately, it's been announced this morning that the woman has passed away due to an aneurysm. The band canceled the rest of their American tour. They were promoting their latest smash hit album…
Piper turned off the TV. She couldn't look at the pictures taken by the paparazzi when the brunette was leaving the hospital. Alex looked lost on them. Her face was white as a sheet, her eyes were hidden behind dark sunglasses and she was trying to ignore the photographers while Nicky looked pissed beyond herself. Piper was glad that the lion-haired girl was with her.
The blonde sat there in her living room motionless. Her make-up was gone before she even realized that she had been crying. Diane was gone. Piper couldn't believe it. She was sobbing now. She was crying for the women that she loved, both of them. The one already gone and the other surely devastated. That's how Larry found her – on the couch, sitting alone in tears and broken even more than she was willing to realize.
"I'm sorry…" He whispered for the millionth time as he lied his head on her lap. He was clueless but Piper forgave him. Again. For the hit. For being clueless or maybe because of it.
XxXxX
Alex was sitting on the couch in her mother's house in New York City. Nicky was sitting across from her with Lorna on her side. Pennsatucky and Poussey were already in beds but Stella still hung around. She was trying to prepare something to eat for the four of them. She knew no one would touch the food but she had to keep herself busy in order not to break down… again. Diane had been a mother to all of them. "The Queen" of their little family as she had proudly proclaimed herself one day.
Stella's hands were shaking as she continued to squeeze the lemons to make some lemonade.
"Fuck it." She cursed under her nose after yet another failed attempt at squeezing the fruit successfully and she turned to the fridge to get the beers instead. She was sure there would be some. Diane had always had some. Stella's lower lip trembled when she thought about the woman but after a minute she was able to collect herself. Right as she was about to get the beers, she felt her mobile buzz in her back pocket, surprising her since it was quite late already and most of their friends had paid they condolences by then. When she looked at the phone screen, her surprise turned into pure astonishment. "Piper?" She whispered to herself.
Piper: [I know I'm the very last person you want to talk to right now but I need to know. How is she?]
For a moment Stella didn't know whether she should reply at all. She was the only person in the band who had been too lazy to change her number and probably that's why Piper managed to reach her. She doubted that the blonde would even try to call Alex but she probably tried to text the others. After another few minutes of Stella's hesitation, there came another text.
Piper: [Stella, I'm begging you. Tell me. Your number's the only that I know is still working.]
Stella thought for a while before typing down her response.
Stella: [Piper, it's been a while, hasn't it? As you can easily guess, Alex is far from being OK but we got her. We'll make sure she's safe.]
Piper: [Thank you. I'm so, so, so sorry. For all of it.]
Stella wasn't sure whether Piper meant only Diane… or much more.
"Who's that?" Nicky's voice shaken Stella up from her thoughts. "It's her, isn't it?"
Nicky was probably the second wounded hardest after Piper had bailed on them. That's exactly how Nicky felt about the whole situation. Piper not only demolished Alex, she had also damaged the rest of them. They all had trusted her. Nicky the most of them and the lion-haired woman seemed to be still mad at the blonde. It had been Nicky's idea to change the mobile numbers first of all.
When Stella didn't say anything Nicky just stared at her demandingly.
"She's hurting, too, you know." Stella started getting ready to face Nicky's wrath but was surprised to find her friend calming down, her shoulders slumped in defeat.
"I know." She said instead of shouting. "Tell her I said 'hi' but tell her also not to come to the funeral. Alex is in a bad shape as it is. She shouldn't see Piper there." At that she left the kitchen with a handful of beers.
