Clarke gasped as Lexa's name was brought up. Coldness seeped over her as her lungs seemed to fill up with metaphorical water. So this was what it felt like to be drowning she mused. She had not allowed herself to think about the other leader since she had turned her back and walked away from them on the battlefield. Clarke had forced herself to put her feelings aside and focus on the task at hand – saving her people. It was what Lexa did time and time again.
She was immediately transported back to that night. She had been confused at first as to why Lexa was ordering her people to stop. Lexa herself had offered no explanation but had just stood and stared at Clarke with her emotionless features. As the door had opened and the prisoners had began to pour out realisation had begun to dawn on Clarke. She had clinged onto the hope that her people would be released also but something about Lexa's stony face had told her that her hope was to no avail.
"Sorry Clarke, they weren't part of the deal."
Lexa's frosty words had felt like a punch to the stomach. After all they had been through together? All the planning to ensure that both their people made it out safely Lexa had so easily pushed them aside. Pushed her aside.
Clarke had stood dumfounded as more of Lexa's people were released from the Mountain. She had wanted to scream at Lexa in fury, break down in hysterical tears, maybe even grab on to her knees and beg her to reconsider the deal but she had remained still and quiet. All she could do was gaze hopelessly at the Commander who had looked haughtily back at her.
How could this be the same girl that had not so long ago admitted that she had feelings for Clarke? That had kissed her so tenderly just minutes before they had marched to the battlefield? Had it all been a lie? A ploy to get Clarke to trust her before she stabbed her in the back?
As much as Clarke had wanted to believe this (for it would make it easier for her to come to terms with Lexa's betrayal) she knew deep in her heart that Lexa had not lied. She had always been open about the fact that her people came first but Clarke had believed that once Lexa had revealed her true feelings that Clarke would be an equal priority to her. She had clearly been wrong if Lexa was so easily willing to condemn the Sky people trapped in the mountain and to leave Clarke and the rest of them to be wiped out on the battlefield.
"I do care Clarke, but I made this choice with my head, not my heart."
More of Lexa's words came back to Clarke. How was she to know whether the Commander cared or not? How could she tell anything when the majority of the time she froze out her feelings. Maybe she did care, it did not matter either way. She was still happy to retreat and leave them to be slaughtered. Clarke had willed Lexa to show some sort of emotion, to give her a sign that what had transpired between them had been true but it was fruitless.
"The duty to protect my people comes first."
It was logical of course, perhaps even predictable. Should Clarke have seen this coming? Was this her fault for trusting the Grounders? For trusting Lexa? Had she let herself become too attached to Lexa? They had spent a lot of time together in the fight against Mount Weather. She was one of the few that had been gifted with seeing the softer side of the ruthless Commander. Had that been her mistake? For thinking that Lexa would remain the vulnerable girl that had been scared to admit that she cared for Clarke. As soon as the time had come to march to battle Lexa had become the formidable warrior and leader that she had been brought up to be.
Clarke had eventually found her voice again after the shock had worn off and she had pleaded with Lexa. Desperation had clung to her. The Grounders were their only hope for taking the Mountain. They needed their numbers, their strength. They needed Lexa…
She did not know what she had expected Lexa to say. It was unlikely that she would have reneged on the deal but perhaps she could have come up with some other way of helping the Sky People. A way of helping Clarke. She had been relying on Lexa's weakness when it came to her to find some solution that could benefit both of their people.
Lexa's whispered apology had startled Clarke. She had felt the sincerity and genuine sorrow of her words which had made the situation that much harder to bear. It had clearly been a more difficult choice than the Commander was letting them believe. She did care, Clarke had concluded. The realisation had caused a wave of warmth to pass through her. The feeling was short lived however as the Grounders had started to retreat.
Clarke had searched Lexa's eyes in desperation. She was panic stricken – about to lose everything. Lexa was the only one that had the power to do anything. She had seen a flash of hurt cross Lexa's face as she had looked at her for the last time.
"May we meet again."
Lexa's final whispered words had echoed the pain that she had briefly allowed to consume her face. Clarke's angst had threatened to overcome her as she watched Lexa's retreating back. Her eyes had stung as she fought back the onset of tears. Her heart was breaking and her soul felt like it had been ripped into pieces. Lexa's final words had played in a loop in Clarke's head as she watched the Commander and her people fade into the darkness.
A part of her had wanted to run after Lexa but the stronger part of her told her that like Lexa, she had to put her people first. Her place was here with them, even if that meant that she was about to lose everything.
