Cardcaptor Sakura: Abridged (And turned upside down)
Kero: ' Wake up Sakura!'
Sakura looks up blearily. ' Osaka-accent…despite having the experience of my life last night, I totally can't remember what happened yesterday and why any stuffed animal would be waking me up today.'
Kero folded his arms. ' I'm hungry. Get me food. NOW!'
Touya: ' Breakfast is ready! Like Otou-san, I'm not going to bother raising my voice, which makes me wonder what the voice actors are thinking in this show.'
Sakura: ' My voice actress, though high and squeaky, will actually scream at you. I'M COMING!'
Later, at breakfast,
Sakura: ' As revenge for not waiting for me yesterday, I'm going to go off to school without waiting for you.'
Touya: ' You have to go early. Why should I care? Unlike some people, I know how to go to school by myself in Japan.'
Sakura: ' I'm supposed to clean up stuff, not to mention I want to see Yukito-san. Bye now I'm going!'
At Yukito's house, Sakura peeps over the bushes to find that Yukito was not there.
Sakura: ' What exactly am I doing here? He's obviously not here and I obviously don't expect him to be.'
Yukito: ' Boo.'
Sakura: ' Aaah! Ano…Yukito-san…hehe…'
Yukito blinked. ' Ohayo Sakura-san. What are you doing here?'
Sakura: ' Ah…good question. Ano…why are you gardening before school starts? Shouldn't you leave that for the afternoon?'
Yukito: ' I'm not sure. It's either Japanese people do their gardening and sweeping in the morning, or Clamp simply wants me to look like I'm doing something before I meet you. By the way, you're actually here earlier than your brother! Why so early?'
Sakura: ' I'm supposed to go clean up the classroom before school starts today.'
Yukito: ' Wonderful! That shows that you are a good citizen! And despite the fact that I am seven years older than you, I'm going to flirt with you by peeling off flowers from my own bush and hand them to you so you can look good by beautifying your school. How about that?'
Sakura: ' That's so kind of you! You're such a nice guy. Arigatou gozaimasu!'
Yukito: ' I'll show more concern for your well-being than your father did yesterday by actually warning you to be careful while rollerblading backwards on a street while staring at me.'
Sakura: ' I'm going to ignore the stupidity of rollerblading backwards without looking and nearly fall over. I'm going now!'
Yukito waves. I'm torn between thinking she's cute and thinking she's stupid.
Later, in school, Sakura enters the empty classroom.
' Wai! I'm first! I'm supposed to be anyway since I'm supposed to clean up the classroom, apparently all by myself. Alright! Now I'm going to sit down at my seat like a good girl and totally not clean up the classroom as I had been saying for the first six minutes of the show.'
Tomoyo then walks in.
Tomoyo: ' Ohayo, Sakura-chan!'
Sakura: ' Ohayo, Tomoyo-chan! You're here early!'
Tomoyo: ' I'm going to say good morning again, this time formally. Ohayo gozaimusu! By the way, I saw you yesterday flying around on a winged broom and somehow managed to videotape the whole thing. I'm not sure why I am the only one that saw you yesterday, but I was!'
Sakura: ' This is not good!'
Kero: ' I'm going to choose to make the situation worse by exposing myself from your bookbag! What's wrong Sakura?'
Sakura: ' You idiot!'
Tomoyo: ' It will take me a full five seconds to recognize you from that stuffed animal in the video. And it was necessary for me to look at the video and than back at you again in order to cope with my very short term retention of your image.'
Footage of recess, where obviously the Clamp animators were too lazy to animate anyone so therefore everyone is frozen in positions that are impossible in real life. Let the viewers imagine people to be moving!.
Kero: 'Your bookbag sucks.'
Sakura: ' You shouldn't have tagged along.'
Tomoyo: ' Can you introduce us, Sakura-chan? By the way, how come we didn't do the introductions this morning? We were both early.'
Sakura: ' I don't know. Maybe Clamp wanted to enhance the drama.'
Kero: ' It didn't work. Not to mention this doesn't make sense. But I am Kerberus, guardian of Clow Cards!'
Tomoyo: ' What are Clow Cards?'
Meanwhile, the Shadow Card is playing soccer with the students in the yard.
Kero: ' So Sakura is the Cardcaptor!'
Tomoyo: ' This gives me more reason to love you, Sakura-chan!'
Sakura: ' I'm not that cool. I was only flying around last night about three thousand meters in the air.'
Tomoyo: ' Demonstration!'
Sakura: ' Demo—'
Tomoyo: ' Demonstration!'
Sakura: ' Sigh. Fine.' She then holds out the pendant in front of everyone in the school and turns it into a staff. Somehow no one notices this.
Tomoyo: ' Wow! You should do this like Sailor Moon!'
Sakura: ' I already do this like Sailor Moon!'
Tomoyo: ' No you don't! You're not gay enough!'
Sakura facefaults.
Later that day when school ended, the Shadow Card drew everyone's shadows to the top of the building. Strangely enough, even though every human individual lost their shadow, the building's shadow was never disturbed.
Sakura's Wonderful Friend
The next day there was a big commotion at Tomoeda Elementary. Although shadows are immaterial, this Shadow Card was able to take on enough physical form to pile desks and chairs on each other for no apparent reason.
Sakura: ' Nani?' Everyone else was also confused. ' This is very weird!'
Tomoyo: ' Somehow I'm the one that realizes this is a Clow Card's doing even though Sakura-chan is the Cardcaptor.'
Later that day,
Kero: ' Huh…' After a long deliberation, ' Random chairs and desks piled up on one another? Definitely a Clow Card. Because these are things that Clow Cards do. Pile chairs and desks on top of each other.'
Sakura: ' Don't you think a Clow Card would do something less…childish?'
Kero: ' Please. This is Clamp.'
Sakura: ' At least we ended up arranging desks and chairs instead of having actual class. And none of the faculty members are curious at all as to who pulled this one off. Nope, no investigation at all. How convenient for me that Tomoeda is filled with people that just go along with the flow. And by the way, if it's a Clow Card, which one is it?'
Kero: ' How should I know? Back where I come from, we didn't have chairs and tables. Nope. We all sat on the ground and drew cave paintings. In any case, you better go catch this card.'
Sakura: ' Why?'
Kero: ' Are you seriously asking me that?'
Sakura: ' But this is impossible!'
Kero: ' NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE! Besides, it's all your fault.'
Sakura: ' Aren't you supposed to guard the cards in the first place? You're the one that let me release them!'
Kero: ' Editors! This isn't part of the script!'
Clamp Editor: ' Cutting that scene out. Continue please!'
Kero: ' Great! We're going to go to the school tonight and settle this!'
Sakura: ' At night? Nani? Iie! How am I supposed to get homework done? Not to mention, the school's haunted!'
Tomoyo: ' I'm going to go with you! Even though I can't possibly do anything other than videotape you!'
Kero: ' Let's start training you!'
Sakura: ' Wah!'
Later that night, at the school,
Sakura: ' I'm scared.'
Kero: ' Daijoubu, daijoubu. I'm here, see I'm very reassuring. Now, I'm going to follow that comment up with a sinister cackle. Mwahahahaha!'
Sakura: ' You're weird and that's not consoling in the least.'
Tomoyo arrives in a limo. ' Oka-san is totally fine with me coming to school this late at night. Let me introduce you to my bodyguards. As you can see, they're all female federal agents.'
Sakura: ' You're supposed to be my best friend. How come I've never met them before?'
Tomoyo: ' Well Clamp needs a reason to introduce them to the audience, so you've never met them yet.'
Bodyguard 1: ' Alright, miss, despite being your bodyguards we're just going to leave you here and pick you up later. Assuming you're still alive.'
Sakura: ' This is very convenient for me to keep my magical powers secret.'
Tomoyo: ' Hai! By the way, I have 160 costumes made for you that I sewed up overnight. How'd you like them?'
Sakura: ' Did you get any homework done?'
Tomoyo: ' Did you?'
Sakura: ' Good point.'
Tomoyo: ' Now change!'
Sakura: ' Why?'
Tomoyo: ' You don't look gay enough. How can you capture any cards if you don't use your homosexual appeal?'
Sakura: ' But I'm not gay.'
Kero: ' Ah ah ah! Some cards only respond to gay people! Now change!'
Later, Sakura is not fully clothed as Little-Red-Riding Hood, Japanese style.
Tomoyo: ' You look lovely! Of course, as I designed these myself, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.'
Sakura: ' Let's just go.'
They venture through the school grounds. Suddenly, Sakura hears something, and a naked angel statue carrying a hoop comes flying toward them.
Sakura: ' Why does Tomoeda Elementary have a statue of a naked woman with wings?'
Shadow Card: 'I have withdrawn all the shadows of the students in this school. But if you notice a few clips earlier, this morning all the students still had their shadows. I wonder if any of them noticed now they're missing shadows. Oh well, I'm going to try to kill this girl anyway.'
Sakura: ' I have Windy and Fly. How am I supposed to capture the Shadow Card again? I know, I'll use Windy to tie down Shadow like I did the Fly, even though that makes no sense!'
Kero: ' You moron! Light and Shadow? Come on? Isn't that the most obvious thing in the world?'
Sakura: ' I don't exactly have a flashlight, you know!'
Tomoyo: ' Leave that to me!'
Sakura: ' I'm going to just hover here and wait for the Shadow Card to throw things at me.'
The Shadow Card had other ideas, and grabbed Sakura's staff.
Sakura: ' Ah! Harry Potter never had to go through this!'
Flick flick flick! All the lights of the school turned on.
Shadow Card: ' Dang it!'
Tomoyo: ' I am so smart! Like, turning on school lights is the most obvious thing in the world! I can't believe you didn't use Windy to do that, instead of trying to tie it down like an imbecile! Speaking of which, aren't you impressed at how quickly I was able to turn on the lights between floors? I might as well teleported to each classroom!'
Kero: ' You guys are totally forgetting about the Shadow Card! Stop digressing and hurry up and capture that card!'
Sakura: ' I am going to use Windy again to tie up the Shadow Card, even though this time around it still doesn't make sense.'
The Windy wraps around the Shadow Card and successfully traps it, letting Sakura capture the card.
Tomoyo: ' How on earth did that work?'
Sakura: ' I don't really care.'
The next day, Sakura ran into Chiharu.
Sakura: ' Do you know where Tomoyo-chan is?'
Chiharu: ' She's in the audio/video room.'
Sakura: ' Arigatou!' She ran down the hall and opened the door when she arrived.
Sakura: ' Tomoyo-chan! I'm totally going to take about ten seconds to say what's on my mind and thank you for saving my life before I realize you're watching a video of me. By the way, how did you get that footage when you were in the building turning on the lights?'
Tomoyo: ' I have magic of my own! I can't miss a minute of you acting like a moron. It's just so amusing! It makes me feel so good about myself, which will explain why I'm not even the slightest bit jealous of you having magic. From now on, make sure you tell me whenever you go cardcaptoring so I won't miss a moment of you acting like a fool!'
Sakura: ' Wah!'
End credits.
Kero: ' Hi! I'm going to play Tyra Banks and analyze Sakura's very outrageous costume! It works in the anime but it won't work for you in real life unless you're at an anime convention where everyone looks just as stupid as you! Stay tuned for even sillier costumes and the next episode: Sakura's Heart-Racing First Date!'
