Chapter one

Year 840:

She opened her deep blue eyes the moment the sun shone in her face. Her head felt as if she had been beaten several times in the exact same spot. She made an inhuman effort to get out of her bed and walk to the curtains to open them. The sunlight hit her face making her eyes ache even more… She turned slowly to face her bed and the other beside it, completely untouched… They had come back from an expedition three days ago and her roommate had died in it…

When she decided to avenge Jaquelin, the Scouting Legion seemed to be the only branch in the army truly willing to do something against the titans. The first time she left the walls she was mesmerized by the beauty the world outside held but soon she realized that beauty could also be a trap, luring soldiers into titan territory, causing hundreds of deaths… She had tried to change, to grow colder, tougher so she would not get close to anyone, so there was no need to feel the pain of losing someone else… She couldn't… Lily was Lily and not even herself could change that… Since she joined the Legion four years ago, the story was always the same… She met someone, became friends with that person and the person dies or ends up retiring just some days later. She cried for them the first days, then she tried to continue ahead keeping their memories with her but as time passed it was harder to remember every soldier who died outside the walls.

Of course, she had known interesting people… Hange Zoe, as an example… She was a little bit older that her, five years older if she had to take a guess. Hange was really an odd woman but she was really smart and strong, that made Lily want to be friends with her, she knew that Hanji would have less chances of dying than other soldiers. Also, there was Erwin Smith who was, without doubt, one of the best soldiers Lily had met since she joined. He was eight years older than her but she had to admit that, even when he was just a few years away from his thirty's, he was really good-looking. It was inevitable for her to fell sort of attracted to him when she joined but none of them was there to live their love story so they kept feelings apart.

Her life wasn't that bad… She was still alive and she was grateful for that. She went to visit her parents as soon as she had time and they were always happy to see her alive… Since Jaquelin died the situation hadn't been good for the family. A part of their happiness seemed to have died with Jaquelin. The parents didn't seem to realize that the death of the older sister also affected the younger one… Her dad, especially had become quite a loner, he kept a lot of things to himself after his daughter died and this included even leaving Lily alone until she turned twelve and decided to enlist… Her parents didn't realized Lily was also suffering until she told them she was going to become a soldier. When she told them she was going to join the Scouting Legion they both went to the floor crying. They just didn't want her to die…

She realized she was taking too long in her thoughts and that she was going to lose breakfast. She went to get her breakfast and sit beside Hanji who didn't question her "I spent the whole night crying" look. The brunette tried to have a normal conversation with her friend but she knew that Lily would need some days to put herself back together.

"Oh, look who decided to show up" said Hange while Erwin and Mike sat in front of them.

"Good morning" said Erwin receiving a simple nod from Lily.

They ate their breakfast in silence except for some little conversations, always initiated by Hange. Lily forced herself to hear and try to participate but she just couldn't.

"Eh, where are you going" asked Hange when Lily began to stand up.

"Sorry, I just need some fresh air. I'll just go for a walk before training, see you on the grounds." answered de blue-eyed girl while walking through the door.

"She looks really bad…" said Mike when she was out of the room.

"Well, her roommate just died, we need to give her time." said Hange looking troubled, "She'll be fine in a few days but… I think her kindness is going to be de death of her."

"To be honest I thought she wouldn't survive her first expedition. She looked so fragile that I thought she'd be an easy target…" Confessed Erwin.

"She has been in the legion three years now…" said the brunette whispering. "Not many people survive their first expedition and many of those to do decide to leave the Military in the following year. I think she has made it far due to really hard work but she is way to emotional, that could really get her killed."

Three years was a great number, especially for someone like Lily but it was nothing compared to her eight years in the Legion… Hell, it wasn't even a third part of Erwin's eleven years!

"I'm sure she'll be able to overcome that barrier sooner than we think… Although, I'm still trying to figure out whether that's a good thing or a bad thing." Added Mike making his two companions look down to their bowls with gloomy expressions in their faces.

When something bad happens the first time, like when someone dies, you don't expect it… You feel bad, you cry, you scream because you probably hadn't thought about something like that happening to you. The next times, you still feel bad but you won't be that affected by it… It may be rude but, little by little, you will get used to see people dying… It was happening to Lily but her process was so slow she didn't notice, but they did. Sooner or later, she would accept death as something that was always in her back, she would see death as something normal. She would leave a part of her humanity along the way… She would become a monster just as they had…

"There's nothing we can do about it." said Erwin "She needs to go through this if she wants to succeed. There's no way around it and we all know that we really can't help her through this ordeal. We all have goals, as does Lily. We can't achieve anything without any sacrifice."

"Erwin" called a voice from the entrance of the room " I need you in my office right now, I want to have a word with you"


"Mike, let's swap, you go with Hange now" said Erwin as they trained earning a silent nod from Mike who moved over to where Hange was standing. The blond assumed a defensive posture waiting for Lily to attack him.

"So, how was your chat with Shadis?" asked Lily throwing a kick to his side. He moved quickly grabbing her ankle.

"Talking while sparring? Are you sure that's wise?" Asked Erwin in a slightly amused tone while turning her ankle, making her whole body turn. "I take it Hange told you… Well it went well, I was hoping to talk to you about it but this is not what I had in mind."

"Well, I'm sure you'll adapt." She said quickly pulling her ankle out of his grasp and directing another kick to his face. He managed to block it but having learned her lesson, Lily moved away from him before he could trap her again.

"I'm sure you know about Commander Ross' plans to retire soon. Due to them, Squad Leader Shadis is going to be assuming the role." He came closer while he said this Lily could see he was trying to surprise her, she would not let her guard down… "Well, you know how this works, he's chosen to have someone else be a Squad Leader. He chose me." Lily opened her eyes immeasurably surprise visible all over her face. Suddenly she felt something hit her fit and soon she was staring directly at the sky while falling backwards on the ground. "Not a very impressive defense to show your future Squad Leader." He mocked extending his hand for her to take.

"So… You really do want me in your Squad?" said the girl taking his hand and getting up the ground as quickly as she could. "I really don't want to be a liability, there much more skilled soldiers."

"Lily, I've seen what you can do. I'm sure you'll do a great job. But let me warn you, I'm not going to go easy on you."

"Wouldn't have it any other way, Squad Leader." She smiled at him, saluting him before running to change partners with Mike.