I've got my issues, I admit that
You got some fears that hold you back
But we are acting like we're children
Looking to blame for what we lack
Before we lose everything we have tomorrow
Can we forget what went wrong yesterday,
No Regrets by MAGIC!
/
They'd been meeting up for runs every Saturday for the last two months. Jay had been pleasantly surprised when Erin had text him a few days after that first run to see if he was free to join her again. Their route had gotten longer now, cutting though Central Park, as they pushed each other's limits and maybe tried to draw out the time they spend in each other's company. They teased and trash talked. Jay loved how Erin would push their pace faster when he told her she'd gone soft now that she was wearing those fancy pant suits everyday. She'd remind him between pants of exertion that she had little use for them since she worked more undercover now than ever and would tease him about how her federal pay cheque had afforded her the privilege of living in a loft, with not only a view but an actual bathroom, six blocks uptown from the little shoe box he called home. After comments like that Jay couldn't help but push himself past his limits, his long legs eating up the pavement as he pulled away from her and beat her to the park exit. She'd swear and call him a show off and somehow manage to make him feel like he needed to pay for the smoothies they'd grab on the cool down walk back to her place.
Sometimes he'd say goodbye to her at the door to her building and continue down those six blocks to his own place, sometimes, the days he wasn't obligated to buy her drink, she'd invite him up for a smoothie instead and they'd talk shop and casually banter before one or other would make an excuse about having something to do. Being alone in a confined space with each other for too long made it hard to ignore the chemistry they still shared and eventually one of them would back away. Occasionally they'd extend the visit long enough to grab lunch together, Erin proving that whatever other changes she'd made in her life she still enjoyed a good combo.
He enjoyed spending time with her, and found himself looking forward to their Saturday morning ritual but, despite the open conversation they'd managed almost six months earlier when he'd turned up to say goodbye, they seemed to be dancing around their past. And Erin, although she gave back as good as she got in the banter department, stopped short of the flirting that had characterized their early friendship in Chicago. Jay figured there was one of two reasons; either she was seeing someone and wasn't comfortable telling him, or she wasn't interested in rekindling their romance.
For his part Jay still wasn't sure what he wanted either. He'd dropped the occasional hint, making stupid jokes filled with sexual innuendo, to gage her interest, but he didn't know if he was ready yet. Moving to New York had definitely been a good move for him, his boss was already encouraging him to take the Sergeants exam and talking about all the doors that were open to him. But he couldn't seem to move past the light banter and talk to Erin openly about what he'd gone through and was still going through, something he was sure she'd need him to do if they had any chance of moving forward.
An opportunity to test the waters popped up thanks to Zack. His wife had to fly out of town when her mother had a stroke and Zack offered Jay their unused broadway tickets. It wasn't really his thing but he thought of Erin instantly, remembering how she'd enjoyed the odd time they'd taken in a show in Chicago.
She had hesitated briefly when he'd called to ask her on what he now thought of as their first date but she agreed. He figured it was all the proof he needed to rule out her being in any kind of steady relationship with someone else.
He brought her flowers, daisies, when he picked her up. He felt kind of stupid at the cliche gesture until she opened the door and a broad smile lit up her face.
"You brought me flowers?" Her enthusiasm made him wish he'd taken the time to bring her flowers more often before.
Before.
That's how he thought of them now: before she left and after he came to New York. There were so many things that were the same but so many differences too. Like the soft curls she'd styled into her hair for the evening and the pretty knee length dress she had on. She took his breath away and his comment to that effect had a light blush staining her cheeks.
Jay spent most of the evening watching the emotion play across Erin's face rather than the actors on the stage. She was captivated by the production and when a lone tear slipped down her cheek he couldn't resist lacing his fingers through hers, needing to feel more connected to her powerful reaction to the play. It was a good ten minutes before she noticed and looked down to study their joined hands before she looked up at him, her eyes questioning. Jay simply squeezed his fingers around hers tighter and turned his attention back to the actors, pretending to be enthral with the drama unfolding on the stage. He let out a breath he didn't know he was holding when Erin didn't withdraw from his touch and also went back to watching the play.
Of course he walked her up to the apartment door. He was a gentleman after all. And maybe a small piece of him hoped she'd invite him in and they could act on the passion that had always driven their romantic relationship.
He hid his disappointment when Erin began thanking him for the date, a clear sign he wasn't being invited in and surprised them both by pulling Erin in for a goodnight kiss. It heated quickly as he deepened it and he got lost in the feel of her lips against his, her scent filling his senses and the warmth of her skin through the thin fabric of her dress. It was over as quickly as it begain, Erin pulling back abruptly as she averted her eye.
"Thank you, again," she said softly. "I really did have fun."
Jay nodded, accepting the boundary she put in place but made no move to walk away. "You know me well enough to know I won't walk away until you let yourself in and lock the door." He said keeping his voice teasing to try and ease the sudden tension between them.
"Always my hero," she'd teased back, but her smile didn't reach her eyes.
He decided to walk home, the night being unseasonably warm, to give him time to sort out what the hell went wrong in the hallway.
They'd had an amazing time and he knew Erin had enjoyed the kiss up until the last second. When she pulled away she almost seemed sad. It didn't sit well with him. He didn't know if she was running from her feelings or if he had misread the situation. Maybe all she had to offer now was friendship after all. In the past he would have let sleeping dogs lie but he'd come here to do better by himself and that meant confronting the things that bothered him.
Old habits kicked in when he crossed the threshold of his own apartment and he fired off a quick text to Erin.
'Got home safe, no need to come to my rescue.'
He frowned when her reply text simply said 'ok' rather than the teasing he expected back.
He pulled off his jacket and dress shirt before he got the nerve to face things head on. He picked up his phone and fired off another text.
'You okay?'
'I don't know. I think we should talk.' Came her reply a minute later. Jay stood for several moments staring at his screen. He'd expected her to brush him off, tell him she was fine and he'd be forced to let the issue drop for now, another missed moment of communication between them. But her bare honesty had him doing something he hoped she wouldn't hate him for. He headed back to her place.
The woman who opened the door had Jay's breath catching. She'd looked stunning made up for the play earlier but the pure beauty of Erin's freshly washed face and vulnerability in her eyes when she greeted him in her pjs almost made him sway off balance.
"What's wrong? Talk to me." He said, sliding past her in the doorway and turning to face her.
"Hello to you too," sarcasm mixed with humour.
"Don't do that. I don't want to do that dance with you anymore. Tell me what's on your mind, why did you look so upset when we kissed and why don't you know if you're okay."
Erin nodded and he gave her a moment, watching her struggle to put her thoughts into words. When she spoke her eyes filled with tears.
"I'm falling in love with you all over again but I made a lot of mistakes before and I don't want to mess this up and it's scaring the crap out of me." She confessed.
There was only a beat before he matched her honesty with his own.
"I never fell out of love with you and that scares the crap out of me," he admitted.
Erin closed her eyes, causing the tears to slip out and slide down her cheeks. She put out her arms and he stepped to her then, pulling her tight against him. Her soft shudders tore at his heart as she cried. And that's when it dawned on him. They couldn't have a future if they didn't let go of the past. They had to stop comparing their past to their present. He held her tight while they both mourned what they'd once had.
"I'm sorry, I don't even know why I'm crying," she sniffed as she pulled back to wipe her tears away.
"I do," he said with a sad smile and tugged her to the couch. "Because there's something I need from you. I need to know you're not gonna run. I can't chase you anymore. And because there's something you need from me. And it was never rescuing. I spent so much time trying to protect you, I missed what it was you really needed from me and I didn't know how to tell you what it was that I needed from you and that's why I lost you. And that's why you're upset, because we can't have what we use to have back, it would only fall apart again and we can't have a future until we give each other what we need."
"You been watching psychologists on late night tv again?" She tried to joke.
"No, I've been talking to a real life one, just like you have. Actually I've been doing a lot of things. All except the one thing that terrifies me the most, the thing you need most, and I keep holding it back from you. I need to show you who I really am."
She started to protest but he cut her off. He knew what she was going to say, that she knew him, and she did, up into a point but she didn't know all of him. He'd seen her demons and told her they didn't matter to him. Now he needed to show her his and hope to hell she'd still be able to look him in the eye.
So he told her.
He told her how scared he'd been when his convoy was blown up and he watched his brother's die, their limbs blown off their bodies.
He told her about the boy they'd accidentally killed in a late night raid.
He told her about being captured and tortured, listing to the screams of his comrades as their bodies were burned and mutilated.
He told her about coming home, about the way the wives and mothers of his dead brothers looked at him, like they were begging him to say it was all some sick joke and their husband or son would walk though the door any minute instead of having to watch as their bodies were lowered into the ground. How he never knew what to say and he felt useless because no matter how hard he tried he just couldn't fix it for them and he couldn't bring them back. He failed to keep them safe and they died and there was nothing he could do.
He told her about the guilt and shame he carried for the things he'd done over there so convinced it was in the name of what was right.
He told her about all the times he drank until he got black out drunk and sometimes, on the really dark nights needing more than just alcohol to take the pain away.
He told her how he'd started watching late night documentaries to drone out the sounds of the desert that he could still hear in his head when the rest of the world was asleep.
How they only time he felt in control was when he clipped his gun and badge to his belt and could convince himself he was certain which side of right and wrong he was on.
And he told her about the veterans meetings and how he was ashamed to admit that maybe he couldn't carry everything by himself and that made him feel like a victim and he wasn't a victim, he was a solder and a cop and he didn't want to feel weak. Feeling weak made him feel like the little boy who could never do right in his father's eyes.
They were the most difficult words he'd ever spoken.
And when he looked up, bracing for the disappointment and disgust in her eyes, he was met by her warm gaze, tear tracked cheeks and soft voice telling him how proud she was of him and how she though he was the strongest bravest person she'd ever met and how he made her feel safer and stronger then anyone else in the world before she climbed onto his lap and wrapped her arms around his head.
He buried his face in her neck, the weight of his body falling against her and let the sensation of her hands running through his hair wash over him. He felt lighter, as if with each stroke of her hand she lifted some of the burden from him. He waited for the guilt of dumping everything on her to come but it didn't. He knew in his heart how strong she was. Didn't he always tell everyone she was the toughest cop he'd ever known? Sharing with her didn't make him weaker. It didn't make her load heavier. It made them stronger. He chastised himself for not having the guts to tell her sooner. Before. He wondered how different things would have been if he'd just trusted her.
"Don't," her breath tickled against his ear. "Don't keep playing the what if game. There's a thousand things I should have done differently too. But it's done. We can't change what happened. We can only do something about right now and maybe what comes next."
"Who's been watching late night tv now," he murmured into her neck. Erin's chuckle vibrated through his whole body and he leaned back in time to catch her eyes dance with laughter. But he wouldn't deflect her statement with humour this time. "You're right." He agreed. "So, what happens next?"
"I'm not sure. Are you?"
He shook his head. "No. But I know I wouldn't mind watching some of that late night tv with you right now."
Erin slid off Jay's lap, scooping the remote from her coffee table and passing it to him. She turned off the light and grabbed a blanket from a nearby chair. Jay turned so she could settle in beside him.
"Okay," she said settling her head against him. "But nothing with bugs, I didn't sleep for ages after you made me watch the last one. I kept thinking there were bugs crawling all over me."
It was Jay's turn to chuckle and he casually dropped a kiss on the top of her head as he wrapped an arm around her.
"Oh, and just one more thing," she said distracting him from his channel surfing.
"What's that?"
"No running away this time, for either of us, from whatever this is."
Jay smiled. "Erin, the only running I want to do is with you through Central Park every Saturday morning."
