Far Away
by Kitsunes Fire
Chapter Two
-WARNINGS: Same as before. Yaoi, possible lemon, slight angst...though I don't think the angst will apply so much to this chapter.
-DISCLAIMER: Since I am not feeling up to it at the moment, I shall have Silver Ame Tsukino do the disclaimer for me...when she shows up. XD But in case she doesn't, just read what I wrote for the disclaimer for chapter one.
-SHOUT OUT: To my wonderful reviewers. As I am writing this there are only a few, which makes KF sad, but I hope more will come as I continue to write this...
-A/N: I guess my mission has been accomplished in that everyone understands who the narrator of this fic is. But don't feel bad if you don't get it-- as always, just ask. And that goes for anything in this fic that any of you don't understand...I know my writing can be a bit sketchy at times, especially since the majority of this is written at o-dark thirty, so please-- feel free to ask me anything at all.
On another note, I reserve the right to take this down and re-write it later. I don't really know where I am going with this...so I may not like it very much. Or I might love it. I make no guarantees. Any and all suggestions are GREATLY appreciated. Thanks and please review.
Oh-- and this chapter might involve some more song-ficyness...might. Haven't decided yet. -shrugs-
Sorry for the wait-- I am on vacation in cali/nevada right now, so this has been on hold for a while...
Enjoy!
-KF
Perhaps it is only an illusion, but morning seems to take forever to arrive. I suppose it has a lot to do with the fact I couldn't sleep at all...I ended up staying awake for the majority of the night, just tossing and turning and wishing you were there with me. Wondering where you were. Missing you. Thinking of you. And cursing my life for not stopping it's spinning, now, when I need it to stay still. Gods know it was slow enough when I wanted it to pass by-- those long five years I was without you. But now that you have returned I wish everything would just hold on a minute, let me catch my breath and regain my balance before I go jumping off this cliff into your arms. Hopefully you will catch me.
I do finally fall asleep, though it's just my luck that a mere hour or so after I finally do so that the sun finally rises. I groan as I sit up, rubbing my head before collapsing back on the pillows. I hide my head under the covers-- normally this wouldn't be enough darkness for me to be able to sleep in, but I am so tired that I fall asleep anyway.
A couple more hours pass as I sleep, but I am practically unconscious. I haven't slept this much in a very long time...curse my job, those stupid high school hours. Though I suppose I have no right to complain-- it is also those stupid high school hours that give me every weekend off, a week off every two months and all of the summer off. It's pretty nice...when I don't have a bunch of paperwork to do.
Either way, I don't remember the last time I have slept this much. Especially when I wake and look at my clock and realize it's already 1:00 in the afternoon. Luckily I have no plans...this in mind I take my time getting up and out of bed, and take a long, hot shower. It is nice to relax for once. After my shower I quickly dry off before draping an over-sized bathrobe loosely over my willowy form. It is in this attire I go off into my kitchen to prepare my breakfast...or lunch as it would be by now.
Words cannot describe how shocked I was to find you sitting there in my kitchen. I suppose I should have expected it-- you had, after all, told me you would come back. I guess I just hadn't thought it would be so soon. I am so surprised that I almost forget that I am wearing next to nothing and that my hair is still a long, dripping mess. You remind me of this with your laughter, your smile barely visible from behind your hand as you politely cover your mouth as you laugh.
"What is it, kitsune?" You tease. "Didn't expect me to follow through with my word? I thought you of all people would know me better than that."
I open my mouth to snap back-- to tell you that no, I don't trust your word anymore. That no, I wasn't sure if you would actually return this time. That no...I don't know you. I don't know you at all anymore. But I close my mouth before any of those words escape me, for I know I would regret them. I know that you would see how true each of those statements are, but I also know that would cause you to run off again and likely never come back for fear of my anger and hatred...which, if you knew me half as well as I thought you knew me you'd know that I could never hate you. I instead merely shake my head and smile softly as though you never hurt me.
You may not know me well enough to understand my feelings for you, but you do know me well enough to see that I am upset. You have always been very skilled at figuring out my emotions...maybe it's because you are so familiar with them yourself that it makes it easy to see in others. I don't know, but I do know that you can see the unshed tears deep in my eyes and you can likely figure out the reason behind them. Your smile from before has vanished, replaced with a small frown as you regard me with your intense garnet eyes, worry evident in those ruby pools that watch me so carefully.
You sigh softly, slowly running your hands through your gravity defying ebony tresses. I know from years of studying your movements that this means you are thinking or nervous...in this situation, probably both. After a short while your soft voice breaks the somewhat awkward silence that had fallen upon us.
"Correction-- you of all people should expect me to not follow through with my word." You look down at the ground, your eyes downcast. You look so upset... I am about to ask why when I hear you whisper two words that make me fall silent in a daze.
"I'm sorry."
Now, from anyone else that would mean nothing; be nothing. But from you, those two little words mean everything. Well, almost everything-- I still want an explanation, but that can wait. For now, those two words are all I need.
You stiffen when I hold you close, this yet another reminder of how much has changed in the years we have been apart. It used to be that when I would hold you you would think nothing of it; it was second nature for us to be close. Right before you left I had even gotten you to a point where you didn't care if I kissed you in public-- a major accomplishment that had taken me over a year to complete. But now, we are back to ground zero. Actually, I think we are somewhere deep in the sub-levels below ground zero...Will we ever even reach the surface?
Slowly you relax in my grasp, your eyes closing as you come to the realization that I am not going to hurt you. Eventually you return my embrace with one of your own, making me smile and hold you even closer. I want to just stay like this...but I know that is impossible. Because I want there to be more; I want things to be the way they were before you left, if not even better. And I know that in order for that to happen we need to talk, no matter how uncomfortable the subject may be. I need to understand. I need to know why you left me and why you came back. I need to know if you love me...if you ever loved me. And I am sure you need to know a lot of things too. And since any random human off the street could see that you aren't about to bring up any of those topics (and I like to think I know you better than some random human off the street, but honestly...I don't know anymore...) I take a deep breath to steel myself before I take a dive into the deep end.
"If you are sorry...then why did you leave in the first place?"
As I predicted you would, you instantly tense up again when I ask you the sensitive question. You try to back out of my arms but I refuse to let you go. This is something we need to do-- there will never be any better a time to have this conversation; no time where it will be any less sensitive, so might as well do it now, before anything happens that I may regret. Besides...I can't let go of you now that I have you because I am too afraid of loosing you all over again.
Of course, my insistent hold on you does nothing to make you any less tense. If anything, you almost seem even more afraid, as though I have trapped you somewhere you don't want to be and I am going to hurt you. I frown at this-- you really don't know me nearly as well as I thought you did. If you knew me at all you would have no reason to fear me, especially not to the extent of your current fear. Or maybe this reaction is because I have you trapped somewhere you don't want to be, as much as it saddens me to think this could be true. Finally you answer me, though your response is whispered so quietly that I almost don't hear you.
"I...I had my reasons..."
"I'm sure you did!" I snap, though I still refuse to release my hold on you. "I'd hope you have reasons, because I don't know what I did to deserve you leaving me without a trace for no reason at all!" I know I shouldn't be yelling at you...but I can't hold it back any longer. There is only so much that time can heal, for some injuries time only makes them bleed longer...and this is one of those injuries. "In fact, I'm not sure what I did to make you leave me at all..." I bite my lip, my voice softening as I calm down and whisper "I loved you...I loved you more than anything. Is that a crime? What..." Now my voice gets shaky as I try to hold back long suppressed tears. "What did I do wrong...?"
Something about my rant has caused you to look up at me in pain-stricken eyes, your sharp teeth causing your lip to bleed slightly from biting your lip too hard. You finally stop struggling in my arms, though you refuse to return my embrace. Another awkward silence settles over us as we stand in my kitchen, growing hunger reminding me of my original reason for coming here. Oh well-- hunger will just have to wait for now. There are more important matters to attend to.
You start to pull away again, though this time you seem almost sad that I won't let you go. Perhaps it is because you are finally realizing why I can't release you...why I can't trust you out of my grasp. That I can't trust you to stay. You sigh, then in a lighter tone you murmur "If you insist on holding on to me can we at least sit down?"
I chuckle in response, and I find that I am glad you still remember how to make me laugh even when I don't want to. I comply to your request and take your hand as we walk into my bedroom. Now, with a normal couple, the whole going-into-the-bedroom thing would instantly mean sex. We, however, were not a normal couple. Back when we were together we would spend a lot of time in my bedroom, but we never actually made love...though I do admit, sometimes when we knew Yusuke was trying to eavesdrop on us we would pretend to. But given your past, we had never gotten that far, so the bed was merely a large couch to us and nothing more. Especially since we are no longer together...
I lay down on the bed, surprising you by releasing my hold on you and allowing you to be free. You return the favor by not only staying but laying down next to me, returning the surprise by not only cuddling but snuggling close to me just like you always used to. I'm not sure if you did this because you knew I wanted it or simply out of habit, but I love having you close to me. I embrace you once more and you respond by snuggling closer, your head resting on my chest as the rest of you became tangled up with the rest of me. You take a deep breath, and I mentally prepare myself for the worst.
"Listen carefully, kitsune, because this will likely be the most you will ever hear me say and I'm not repeating it." Which is kind of ironic, you telling me to listen carefully when I have to use all of my concentration to hear your almost inaudible voice. I, of course, don't dare point this out and merely listen intently to what you have to say. Hopefully it will be the answers to my many questions.
"First off, you didn't do anything wrong. It was me, and though I know that line is overused it is true. Second, you never deserved any of that...any of this. I never deserved to have you and you never deserved the pain I caused you." You are now talking more to my shirt than to my face. It's adorable how shy you are...how you can't bring yourself to look up at me as you are speaking. "And as for loving being a crime...I don't know. I think everything I do is a crime to some degree, so in that context yes, it is. And in most of this...this...this human world you live in, yes, it would be a crime to love me. So I guess loving is a crime...but it's not like I've had enough experience in that area for me to really know...
"And I am sorry, Kurama. I am sorry for everything...for the pain, for the love, for the betrayal and for the trust. I am sorry for it all, for all of it in the end has made you miserable. And that is the last thing I ever wanted for you..."
It is now that I can't help but interject. "If you didn't want me to be hurt then why did you leave me without a trace? Without a goodbye? Without a word or any contact for five long years!?" Yes, I am aware that I am being a bit theatrical. But I can't help it...I am too lost in everything that is spiraling out of control all around me to care that I am no longer giving the watered-down-sugar-coated version of the thoughts in my head. "How the hell does that not cause me pain? And if you were going to abandon me, then why did you come back? If you don't love me then why don't you just leave me alone and let me forget about you?"
You freeze once more at my questioning, though much to my astonishment you do not pull away. Actually...if anything, you move a little closer. I know how much courage this takes for you to do, so I reward you my gently running my hands through your hair-- something I remember you feeling. I can see you faintly smile at the foreign yet oh-so-familiar touch, which in turn makes me smile. It's strange that in the midst of so much that has changed, so much has also remained the same.
"...I...I..." You start off shakily, merely stammering and mumbling nonsense until you fall silent before trying again, this time more successfully. "From my experience...goodbyes are the most painful part of leaving. So I...I thought I was helping you by leaving without a trace..." You frown a little, sinking in closer to me before continuing in an almost inaudible voice. "And I came back...I came back because I couldn't be without you any longer. It hurt too much..." I can hear the pain in your voice and see it in your face...it makes me want to kiss you and make it all better, though given the current situation I'm not sure that would be the right thing for me to do. "And kitsune...I do love you."
First I blink when I hear your quiet confession, stunned as I realize that this is the first time you have actually flat out told me that you love me. I smile and gently tug your chin to make you look up at me. Unshed tears of..-fear?- can be seen deep in that ruby tint that make your eyes so unique and irresistible. The palm of my hand gently caresses your cheek before I pull you up into a tender kiss.
"Fill me with ecstasy
(Still in my heart... here in my heart...)
Ohh... (Still in my heart... deep in my heart...)
Why, why did you have to go away
Always hard to stay
Tears keep on flowing over, over you
Tell me, was this really true romance
Or just a fantasy
I can't believe what we've been through
You're hangin' out with someone new
Still, you're in my heart
Baby, in my heart
Always in my heart
You'll never leave my heart
Still, you're in my heart
Deep down in my heart
Fill me with ecstasy
Ohhhh...
Oh baby
No baby
Can't let you go
Or was it just a fantasy (just a fantasy)
What I thought could be reality
Oh baby, can't you just see (can't you just see)
That I can't go on living without you
Still, you're in my heart
Baby, in my heart
Always in my heart
You'll never leave my heart
Still, you're in my heart
Deep down in my heart
Always in my heart
When will I ever break free
Still in my heart..."
I shall end there for now…next chapter will likely be in Hiei's point of view. By the way, the song at the end is "Still In My Heart" By Naoki from DDR 2. Thanks for reading and please review!
