He knew he'd have to go put that stupid metal pelican sculpture that sat outside, upright again. (Another lovely Erwin touch to the shit shack. Spared no Expense.)

Oh yes. Was it really that time, already?

Levi glanced at the clock on the wall. (Of course it had a stupid ship's steering wheel framing it.) Yep. 4:30 in the afternoon. They never failed.

"Connie, come on! Please! I said I was sorry!" A girl's voice. Loud. Annoying. Slight southern twang.

Levi winced.

More rustling, and the car engine cut off. The sound of a car door slamming alerted him that they were on their way inside.

He quickly darted under the counter and grabbed his flask. "Five a clock somewhere. Here's to my hombres on the other side." He took four deep gulps of whiskey. Wincing from the burn, he slid the flask back into its protected little nest under the counter. He'd had a fifth earlier, and it wasn't kicking in nearly fast enough to deal with this. He straightened up just as the pair walked in the door, ringing that stupid little bell. Goddess of alcohol, give me strength to deal with these morons.

"No, Sasha." That would be Connie. "I just waxed her, and you hit that pelican thing. AGAIN!" Shaved head, impish and outgoing personality, and a big obnoxious mouth, the latter of which contrasted sharply with his height. Levi was pretty sure Connie was at least an inch shorter than himself. (Small victories. Whatever.)

"Connie, it wasn't on purpose, and you know manual is tough for me, come oonnnnn!" That would be Sasha. Also loud, also impish and outgoing, and also with a big, obnoxious mouth. She was normal in height, however; sporting hair that somehow reminded him of Hanji's, aka almost always in an incredibly messy ponytail.

Levi noted that they had carried in their stupid bags as per usual, each one with that shitty logo patch that Sasha had made. One, the standard duffel bag for Connie, and two, a backpack and satchel for Sasha.

He pinned a smile on his face. "Well, now, if it isn't Penn and Teller. How can I help you two? (idiots)"

"Sasha, no, you can't drive-" Connie looked up, took one look and laughed heartily, elbowing Sasha. "Oh, wow! That's rich right there." He slapped his knee. "Man, Levi, stop trying to smile! You look like a serial killer!"

Sasha peered at him and laughed obnoxiously as well. "Nah, don't listen to him, Levi, you always need to make that face. It's great!"

Levi frowned, annoyed. What the fuck was that supposed to mean, anyway?

"There we go! That's the Levi we know and love!" Connie shifted his duffel bag from his shoulder and placed it near the door.

Levi continued to glare, his right eyebrow twitched once. Goddamn whiskey, kick in. I need you, now. "So what brings you two in on this particular afternoon? The usual shit?" He gestured outside to his small, private pier on the sound.

"Ha! So formal!" Sasha chirped. "We actually dropped by for our usual snacks, and honestly, the net you sold us before didn't work." She grinned. "We'd like a refund on that."

He paused for a moment, flicking his snake bite with his tongue (pensive habit). "Nope." Levi grinned, for real this time, and pointed up at the sign over his shoulder.

"Levi, that sign says 'Cash-Only'."

"You bet your ass, it does." Wasn't his fault that stupid netting didn't work. They probably fucked up somehow all on their own.

"Levi, that doesn't make any sense-"

"Not my problem. Buy something or shoo. Be gone with you."

"Aw, Levi, don't be like that, man!" Connie walked up to the counter. "You know we're only trying to help! It'd be like you buying 15 dollars worth security for your crab trap bait, no sweat, you know? Plus, we do wanna get snacks, remember?"

"Yeah, yeah." Levi began the ingrained routine of battle that involved getting their snacks. "Two lemonades, right?" He put on the large (stained) apron he had hanging on a hook next to the machine.

"Yep!" Sasha beamed, the net refund forgotten momentarily. "Strawberry syrup in mine!"

"25 cents extra." (gross) Levi pulled on a pair of woodshop-style protective safety glasses.

"I know. It's worth it!"

"Whatever." Levi walked over to the sputtering little juice machine that looked like it had hit its stride in the prohibition era. (Prepare for battle!) He grabbed two of the large cups, to one of which he added three squirts of that nasty strawberry grenadine he kept stocked by the machine. He then braced himself, using a towel in one hand and the cup in the other he did his best not to spill the lemonade. It was not an easy feat.

This old fart of a dispenser may have been the hoopty-king of juice machines, but it did its best to make up for that…by firing a torrent of juice through the little spigot like a firehose. It had once come out with enough force to break the bottom of a lemonade cup. Goddammit Erwin, I bet you bought this little monster on purpose.

Levi held his breath and pushed down on the little spigot lever.

At first, the machine didn't even respond, it just whirred loudly as usual. Then three seconds later, it shivered once, and let out a loud clang from its internal pressure system.

This was it. The old coot was particularly moody today. He heard the rush of liquid inside the little pipe before he saw it.

The machine did not disappoint, if anything the juice exceeded pumping expectations, it came out rapidly with a loud sputtering hiss. Juice promptly flew everywhere.

"Sweet fuck all, this goddamn hunk of junk!" Lemonade bounced in the cup and splattered his safety glasses (they weren't just for show), his shirt that wasn't protected by the apron, and even his hair. He already felt disgusting, but fuck if he was gonna back down. At this point, it was a matter of honor.

Sasha and Connie watched both amused and entranced as Levi struggled to fill up their cups and loudly cussed out the dispenser. This debacle was always a great show. There was just something magical about watching grumpy people get taken through the ringer by a lemonade machine. Well, that, and the delicious fact that the lemonade Levi made was phenomenal.

After what felt like an eternity, Levi cut off the little spigot and removed his now freshly battle scarred gear. His hair dripped a bit. "For fucks sakes." Disgusting. "Here you go." He shoved the lemonades into each recepient's eager hands. "Anything else?"

Sasha was too busy gulping down the beverage to answer.

"Yeah, uh, two packs of beef jerky, and one large bag of BBQ Lays." Connie sipped his lemonade. Best to savor drinks like this.

"Pwaaaaah!" Sasha took in a huge gasp of air as she finished her lemonade (new record). "Make that two bags!"

Connie huffed a small laugh. "Fine, yeah, you're right. She'll just hog the one bag to herself."

"Ok, then." Levi rang up the items on the cash register and grabbed the four bags of treats. It came out as $10.24. He inwardly smiled. "That'll be $12, even."

Connie gave him a squinty eye. "You're rounding up. That's cold, bro."

"I deserve a fucking Nobel Peace Prize for getting you two shits lemonade every goddamn day." Levi countered as he shoved the chips and jerky into a bag.

Sasha nudged Connie and grinned. "Yeah, it's fine! We'll pay whatever, we always tip, anyway."

Connie nodded. The logic was sound, and Levi did go out of his way for them. Most other customers (tourists) would just be told the machine was broken.

"Yeah, and about that net you sold us?" Sasha wheedled.

Of fucking course she wouldn't have been being so nice for no self benefit. Wily little shit.

Levi sighed and ran a hand through his hair. Already sticky. goddammit. "Look, you two."

They perked up, hopeful.

"I can't just ask someone to do something for me, something as simple as catching the fish or whatever the fuck it is stealing all my bait." His vision tilted a tiny bit. Oh good. ('Bout time, goddess of alcohol.) "To top it off, I actually paid you two to do something about it, or at least figure out what was stealing my bait" He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "and after a month of your stupid stake-outs, weird-ass cameras, crappy filming equipment, fucking explosions-"

"We said we were sorry about your laundry, we bought you like ten new shirts. Besides, I told you, the firecrackers were a way to alert us if the trap was being touched or something-" Connie, of course.

"-and shut up, that's idiotic"

Connie returned to nursing his lemonade.

Levi continued. "…where was I?" He though back. "...Right. Explosions-"

"-I think your phrase was 'fucking ex-' Sasha started.

"-and you shut the fuck up." Levi interjected.

Sasha closed her mouth so fast, her teeth clacked together audibly.

"…anyway, fucking-" He glared at Sasha, who cringed. (Good.) "-explosions, your noodling around for fish, your garbage on my lawn, and the fact that you keep using my bathroom every night that you camp out here…you have come with, what, exactly?"

"Right. Yeah, um, well." Connie pursed his lips and looked everywhere humanly possible that was not Levi.

"We, managed to find out plenty." Sasha puffed up a bit, new determination glowing in her eyes. "For starters, we think you could have a genuine sea monster on your hands."

Connie choked on his lemonade and started coughing. He waved his non-busy hand in a rapid whirl. "Oh no, no, no!" He sputtered between coughs. "We aren't going with that, Sasha, no. That is NOT our official statement!"

Levi just stared for a moment before the full effect of the exchange registered. Was this real life? These two. They couldn't be for real. It was too rich.

He scoffed at Sasha and kindly informed her of the obvious. "You better listen to Teller."Levi grabbed a rag from the underneath the register and began wiping the counter down for the 15th time that day. "That's the stupidest shit I ever heard."

Sasha puffed out her face angrily. "No, Connie, it's true! Tell him, come on! We have proof!" She grabbed him while pointing at his duffel. "We got evidence on Connie's video camera! For real! There wasn't any sound, since it doesn't pick it up…"

Levi raised an eyebrow. "Shouldn't a video camera, especially one with night vision, be able to record sound?"

This time Connie glared at Sasha, "Well, it did." he said. "Until someone, spilled soda all over it in the car. It's kindof a miracle that it works at all."

Sasha made a face. "I wouldn't have spilled it if you hadn't stopped at that red light."

"No…you wouldn't have spilled it if you hadn't snuck it in to my car in the first place." Connie exclaimed, exasperated. "My car is a food free zone! You know that!"

"You never said anything about drinks…"

"Sasha!-"

"ENOUGH!" Levi spat.

They both froze. His tone was dripping with acid.

"I don't care about your shitty camera." He took a deep breath and tried to focus his increasingly blurring vision. (Goddess of alcohol, you just keep on giving.) "Just tell me what it did manage to record."

Sasha pounced on the opportunity. "We caught a sea monster on film, I swear! It's huge, like in those old sailor stories? Creatures from the dark depths of the ocean! Huge monsters that sunk ships on the high seas-"

"This sound doesn't get deeper than 30 feet, tops." Levi said in a dead pan tone.

"Well, maybe not as big as those sea monsters," Sasha drawled with a shit eating grin. "but it was still massive!"

"You're gonna get us freaking fired…"

Sasha stared again at the duffel bag and pulled Connie's sleeve. "Come on, Connie, show him! It's like something off *River Monsters"

"Ah, alright Sasha. I'll show him. He's not gonna go for it, though." Connie walked over to his previously discarded duffel and pulled out a small camera. He opened the screen on the side and scrolled to the video in question. "Here." He handed Levi the camera.

Levi stared at the stupid device. It had what appeared to be fifty million buttons.

"You just gotta press play, it's the small silver symbol on the left of the screen." Connie explained.

"Tch." Levi pushed the touch screen play button.

The screen began showing the recording. It was obviously night time, everything had that green infrared glow. The scene was one he was farmiliar with. There was the dilapidated boat shed outside, there was the live oak that dwarfed it. Of course the old dock that housed his crab traps, their dutiful buoys glistening.

Connie was the one holding the camera, since Levi could see Sasha eating a Twizzler, while grinning and watching the water, it was weird how night vision on cameras made her hair appear blonde, despite its chocolate colour. He saw her mouth moving. (Of course she would talk during a stake-out.)

Suddenly the camera went crazy. Sasha looked like she was probably shouting at this point, her eyes were wide and she frantically pointed out at the sound. The camera then apparently had a seizure and pointed out to the furthest crab trap.

Despite the shaking, Levi indeed saw a large splash, and underneath the water for a brief second, the shine of scales. Really? That was the great sea monster?

The film stopped.

"That's all you got?" Levi questioned. "It was probably just a good sized fish. It's got nothing to do with whatever is stealing my fucking bait." He snorted and handed Connie back his camera.

"Are you kidding?!" Sasha was indignant. "That was obviously not an ordinary fish! How would it have known when I said I saw it? Didn't you see? It wasn't freaking out before. It must've heard me, and understood or something."

Levi sighed. "How the fuck should I know what you said, there wasn't any sound…no. NO. That doesn't matter anyway. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that shouting like an imbecile will spook fish-"

Sasha opened her mouth to retort.

"-no matter what nonsense you were spewing about it behind its back." He finished with a frown.

She was quiet, then.

"Alright you two, tonight is the last night I'm letting you do your little stake-out."

"Hey man, come on now! We're just getting our investigative team started! It's gonna take us time to get everything right." Connie was sounding a bit desperate.

Levi finished wiping down the counter."You've had two months. Two. Months. Plenty of time. If you don't have anything by tomorrow, don't come back. You hear me?"

They looked quite crest fallen. "Levi, please-"

Levi didn't let Connie finish. "Did I fucking stutter?"

Connie hung his head in defeat.

"Ok. Now go set up your stupid camp and get OUT of my store. Keep the stupid food. I don't want your money, anyway." Wait, what?

Before he could filter what he said and take it back, they had both sported identical grins and dashed outside with the chips and jerky. The goddess of alcohol had turned fickle, it seemed.