Sirius' ears popped at they apparated. He hadn't felt that strange sensation-the sudden vertigo and the weird pull behind his navel as magic transported them suddenly from place to place- in so long. Then again today was a day for all sorts of new beginnings, he thought somewhat sadly.
Opening his eyes to the sharp contrast of yellow street lights against the dark night sky, Sirius sighed and stepped away from Remus. Despite the freefall of apparating, Sirius had felt grounded in the other man's arms, if only for that instant. It made sense, Remus was his last friend, his only remaining lifeline to his old self, to the life he'd been denied. It was strange how familiar and yet different his friend was thirteen years later. More scars, more grey hairs. Slow to laugh, the happiness was drained from his once warm amber eyes. Sirius figured it was the scars he couldn't see that hurt the most. Just like with him.
"We here?" Remus asked, and Sirius turned slowly away from the street to see the dark stretch of houses before him.
This was it. He could do this. He had survived Azkaban, escaped Death Eaters and Dementors, not to mention Snape and his insufferable ability to cock up what would've been his ticket to freedom. Grimmauld Place was only a house. Now to make himself believe that. Sirius let out a deep breath. "Yep."
"Oh, well which one is it, I don't see number 12?"
"That'll be the wards," Sirius said, reaching over to Remus. He looked at the other man for a moment before deciding to lay his hand on his shoulder. Remus glanced over at the hand and then at Sirius, cocking an eyebrow. "I have to let you see it," Sirius explained.
Sirius watched the other man's eyes widened as the house, he assumed, materialized between a one story home and a rather ramshackle boarding house. Sirius simply glared. It was just as he'd left it, not looking back that fateful day when he ran from what should have been his sanctuary but was instead a place of ridicule and then, finally, torture. To him it reeked of old money gone sour, the last vestige of a family who was too busy keeping up appearances while their very structure slowly crumbed beneath them.
Sirius looked away. Damn it, he knew this would happen. As much as he tried to tell himself it wouldn't be as bad as he thought, this house, a stupid inanimate object, had its rotten foundations buried deep within his heart. He closed his eyes, counting to calm himself. No that wasn't his mother's silhouette he saw at the window, he told himself, seeking a grip on reality. And the shadows that crossed the sky were only night owls, not Dementors bent on sucking out his soul.
"I'm here," Remus said softly, as if reading his thoughts, knowing exactly what he needed without words. Letting a breath out through his nose, Sirius took a moment before opening his eyes. Remus was close, but not touching him, something sturdy, something solid to ground him in reality.
"I wish we weren't though," Sirius muttered darkly at the house. He hated every beam, every window, every nail that held the hellish thing together. Just when he thought his darkest days were over, that he could start anew, he was pulled right back in. Sirius shook his head and ran a hand in frustration through his fringe.
"Just give the word if you want to turn back, I won't think any less of you," Remus said, worrying his lip.
"No, no I can do this just…" Sirius trailed off. He just needed a minute. Closing his eyes he tried to picture something happy. A habit he found himself doing every time the Dementors came, each time they tried to take something of his soul from him. Now he had new memories. French toast, covered in stick syrup. A hot shower and clean clothes, soft against his skin. Remus hugging him. Sirius opened his eyes and looked to Remus.
The other man studied him, but not in a judgemental way. Only out of concern.
"Ready?" Remus asked, holding out a hand.
Sirius blinked at it. "Uh, I don't need to hold your hand."
Remus laughed, it was small but real. Sirius almost returned it.
"No no, my wand. You still have it."
"Oh," Sirius replied, handing it over, scratching the back of his neck in embarrassment.
"I can hold your hand, though, it you need," Remus teased slightly. Sirius smiled then. There was his Remus. Hidden, but still there.
"Oh shove it," he muttered lightly back, shaking his head.
Once they approached the porch all smiles faded. It was as if there was something in the house that took away everything light, everything that was love, everything a family should be. And somehow he had grown up there. Sirius clenched his fists at his side.
He had to open the door. To reach his hand out, grasp the brass snake whose tail twisted to form the handle, to embrace what was his. The last heir to the noble House of Black. He didn't even need a spell. The door opened at his touch, creeking on slightly disused hinges, giving way to a darkened entry way lit only with candlesticks in floating sconces.
It was exactly as Sirius had remembered it. The quiet, the slight smell of dust and old books, the dim diffused light from heavily draped parlor windows, and of course the family tree that lined the hall, his name and image naught but charred remains upon the ancient wallpaper. Sirius turned away before his memories took up residence at the forefront of his thinking. Quietly, as if not to disturb unseen residents of the house, as he'd had to do even as a child, Sirius led Remus up the stairs, passing his parent's old room and his brother's only to come upon his own. Where once a wooden placard with his name had graced the door, now only a faded golden rectangle remained.
Sirius turned the knob and the door opened with a creak. Inside the room was so ordinary, so plain that it could hardly be attributed to any particular individual. Where once Gryffindor posters, model motorcycles, and quidditch trophies had graced every wall and shelf, all was bare. A fine layer of dust coated the desk and windowsill and the comforter smelled slightly musty. Sirius sat on it anyway. Remus took a quick tour of the room before joining him.
"Kinda weird, this is the first time I've been in your room," Remus said quietly, breaking the silence of the house.
Sirius nodded.
"How's it feel to be back?"
Sirius took a deep breath. How did he feel? It was such a giant jumble, and yet he felt strangely removed from it all. As if he were witnessing his own life as an outsider. It had been so long since this room had felt like his own, and even then he had always felt like a visitor in his own home. Nothing was his to keep, everything was his parents or his own to bring to Hogwarts for nine months of the year. This house had never been his home.
"Surreal," Sirius settled upon. Remus nodded in sympathy. "Like I'm sitting in another kid's room. I guess nothing in this house ever felt like mine. Nothing ever felt like home. Not like Hogwarts. Or our flat."
Remus nodded his understanding. He and Sirius had shared a flat after graduating. It had been small and snug, a bachelor pad if ever there was one, but they had been happy. At least until the fighting started. Then they had spent more time apart than under the same roof. Sirius had gone off with girlfriends and Remus had either been on missions for Dumbledore or sleeping on James' couch. It had not been happy or easy. But he didn't want to think of those memories now.
"What ever happened to it?" Sirius asked, playing with a corner of the comforter as Remus looked out the yellowed glass window.
"Ah, Ministry confiscated it."
"Wait, but you were living there!" Sirius yelled, standing, his face livid. How dare they do that to his friend.
Remus shrugged. "I was a registered werewolf. They didn't much care what happened to me. Had to move back in with my parents, spent lots of time in court trying to prove I wasn't in cahoots with...well with you. Dumbledore vouched for me. It was...rough for a few years." Remus looked down at his feet.
"Damn," Sirius said, sitting back down. He hadn't even spared a second thought for what had happened to his assets once he'd been incarcerated. Poor Remus. He had truly lost everything that day, even his own home. Sirius wanted to hug him but the man seemed a bit wary of affection for some reason. He'd give it time.
"It's...it wasn't that bad. Really," Remus said.
Sirius thought Remus to be placating him. Sure, Remus hadn't been locked up in Azkaban for twelve years, but that didn't make his trials and tribulations any less horrible to endure. He deserved to share them and to try to come to terms as best he could, and Sirius wished to be there for his friend as Remus was for him.
"Remus…" Sirius turned to his friend but then a look of horror crossed his face and he shirked back. As he looked up, a dark shadow crossed the threshold, illuminated only from behind. The figure was cloaked in green, face hidden under too many folds of fabric and moved unnaturally under the cloth, as if the garment was much too large for its small frame.
Remus turned to the door, wand in hand, brow furrowed. "Show your face now or I swear I'll blast off your nose," Remus said, though his voice was even, his tone betraying he was far less disturbed than Sirius by their sudden visitor.
Grumbling from under the cowl, knobby fingers reached from beneath sleeves meant for human arms and pushed back the cloth from a bulbous forehead and overly large ears before glaring daggers at Remus. The house elf then turned his glowing eyes at Sirius, cocking his head at his master.
"Welcome home Master Black," he said formally, sweeping into a bow as worn green satin cascaded around his feet.
"Er, Kreacher," Sirius said after a moment, regaining his bearing. His heart was hammering in his chest. Seeing such a visage in the doorway, his mind had jumped to his possible worst fear. He had felt so suddenly small and alone, back in his cell in Azkaban with no means of escape. No happiness. No hope.
He knew it was stupid now. Seeing Kreacher, he would make the most unlikely Dementor imaginable. It was almost laughable. Yet his mind was so used to that horrible place, it was almost harder for it to find things to look upon that were not to be feared than things that were.
Sirius watched as Remus took a step toward him, wand still raised, and nodded his head slightly as if to ascertain if he was alright. After an uncertain moment, Sirius nodded back.
Then a moment passed and Remus cocked his head, raising an eyebrow and looking the elf up and down before snapping his head back to Sirius.
"What the bloody hell is he wearing?" Remus asked.
And then Sirius laughed. Sizing up the house elf, it was evident, that despite the no-clothes rule, Kreacher was, for some reason, wearing one of his mother's old robes.
"Filthy werewolf comes into our noble house...insults Mistress's elegant clothes…" Kreacher grumbled under his breath before Sirius let out another bark of laughter.
"Um Kreacher, why are you wearing Mother's robe?" Sirius asked after his laughter had subsided. The elf glared at them both before sweeping back the satin in what normally would be a very graceful gesture. On his small gnarled frame it was simply comical.
"Before Mistress...passed she gifted Kreacher this. But I shall always stay to protect the Noble House of Black."
"Oh. How very...servile of you," Sirius replied, which strangely seemed to make Kreacher smile- at least Sirius guessed that was a smile- in pride.
"Shall Master Black require my assistance?" Kreacher asked, still not even addressing Remus.
"No, thank you Kreacher. But I should like you to treat my guest, Mister Lupin, with the same courtesy you afford me. That's an order...no a request."
"Yes Master Black."
"And none of this 'master' business please," Sirius said, twirling his fingers in the air.
Kreacher shook his head and grumbled but didn't argue, not to his face anyway. For that Sirius was thankful. If nothing else, Kreacher was loyal.
With a rasp of fabric and whisper of harsh words muttered under his breath, Kreacher exited and both men breathed a sigh of relief and sat back on the bed.
Sirius could feel Remus's eyes upon him but didn't feel like speaking to the seriousness of his earlier reaction. Now was not the time to discuss his demons so he turned to what he did best.
"That was truly a spectre of horror to be sure."
Remus chuckled and shook his head. "I wonder if he wears that old thing to bed too."
Sirius shuddered. "Please, I don't want to think about it. Forget I brought it up." Sighing, he kicked off his shoes and scooted back on the bed. He regretted it instantly as a layer of dust made itself known, clouding the air and making both men cough.
"Damn that elf, what has he been doing if not cleaning this blasted house?" Sirius said around a mouthful of dust.
"Prancing around in your mum's negligee singing showtunes?" Remus provided, using his wand to obliviate the remaining dust and get to work cleaning the surfaces in the room. Within a few quick minutes things were a lot tidier though the smell of disuse still permeated the small space.
"Wish I had some stuff to make the place a bit more...homey," Sirius sighed, looking around the blank walls. It felt so impersonal, like a room for someone on the move. Or an absolute bore with no personality. He hoped he was neither. He was so tired of not having a home, of having no place to settle and be surrounded by others. And he knew he was no bore. At least he hadn't been before. After Azkaban, he wasn't as sure how much of himself remained.
"Well I do have some old photos. I can bring them over tomorrow if you'd like," Remus suggested as he quickly flicked his wand, turning the bedspread from dark green to red, causing Sirius to smile. "Unless that's too...sad."
"Oh." Sirius thought for a moment. But no, he'd love to see James and Lily's faces' again. And have Remus there with him even when he wasn't. That was important. "Yeah bring 'em. I'd like that."
Remus nodded and flicked his wand, turning the drab wallpaper to warm autumn tones that always reminded them both of going back to Hogwarts. Then he transfigured a pillow into an owl plush and threw it at Sirius, hitting him in the head.
"Hey!" Sirius yelled, falling back on the bed, feigning incapacitation.
Remus just shook his head and pushed back the curtains before turning them more transparent to let the light in. "So what time is Ollivander coming over? I can be here. If you like."
"I think Dumbledore said around nine. You're welcome to come," Sirius said glad for the company. In all honesty he had no idea how he'd spend most of his time in this big house alone. He was sure Remus had things to do. A life. Friends if not lovers. Something to fill his time. It's not like he was simply sitting by waiting for his ex best friend to run away from prison and demand his attention once again. Sirius almost laughed out loud. No that was not like Remus at all.
"Unless you have things to do. You don't have to come." Sirius hoped he didn't sound needy. Or desperate for company. Even though he was. He really had nothing. No one. Except Remus. That thought was incredibly pathetic.
"Yeah, I'll be here," Remus said casually, but it made Sirius want to jump up and holler with joy.
He restrained himself to a small smile. "Thanks mate."
"So um, will you really be all right here? Tonight?" Remus started, "cause I can stay…"
"Oh," Sirius said, biting his lip before sitting up taller, trying for confidence he did not quite feel. "Yeah. Yeah I'll be fine. Don't worry about me. I'll have a real bed, remember. It'll be great. And you made it Gryffindor Red for me." Sirius grinned, feigning happiness though deep down he felt suddenly so empty. He wished Remus wouldn't leave but he didn't know how to ask without seeming weak and broken.
"Yeah?" Remus replied, raising an eyebrow skeptically like he didn't quite believe him.
"Yeah. I mean, I'm exhausted, I'll probably be out the moment you leave anyway," Sirius said, stretching his arms to illustrate.
"Hmm, alright then. Well show me your fireplace. I'll set up a floo to my place just in case, yeah?"
Sirius nodded and they went downstairs to the living room. Sirius turned back when he heard a noise, his heart leaping into his chest, but he quickly realized it was only Kreacher.
"Gotta get a bell on that damn elf," he grumbled to Remus who chuckled at his side.
Remus stepped up to the fireplace and Sirius frowned, realizing he'd be of exactly no help. "Umm…"
"Could you lend me Kreacher for a minute? I need his help to set this up," Remus said.
"Oh yeah, sure," Sirius said before directing the house elf to go to Remus and after a moment of grumbling Kreacher did as he was bid. This left Sirius to wander the living room by himself. He looked up and was startled by the twin visages of his parents glaring down at him from a large portrait. He wondered when Kreacher had hung it, he didn't remember it being painted while he had lived at home. His parents looked both older and more stern than he recalled, but perhaps they were reacting to him being under their sacred roof. He'd have to ask the elf to move it to another less public space.
"Well I never!" his mother huffed before turning away and leaving the painting. His father simply huffed before shaking his head and pretending to look elsewhere. Well at least they weren't yelling. Yet.
"Okay, all set up," Remus said, straightening and wiping his hands on his trousers. Kreacher stumbled off toward the kitchen and the two men were left in an odd silence. "I can stay if…"
"No," Sirius said all too fast and then cursed himself. Remus was giving him so many chances and he was bypassing them all for his stupid pride. "No really, I'll be fine." Sirius gave his friend a lopsided grin.
"My place is always open. Or I can stay here," Remus said, looking Sirius in the eye and not blinking, "whatever you need Sirius."
"Yeah, course, I'll just see you in the morning," Sirius said, gripping Remus' shoulder, needing to touch him, to hold something solid before he was left with nothing but ghosts and ashes.
Remus looked at his hand and Sirius removed it quickly as if burned. He shook it off and smiled. "Get some rest. Floo here in the morning yeah?"
"Yeah. You too," Remus said frowning as if not convinced. Then his expression softened. "Sirius...it's good to have you back. I...yeah it's good."
Sirius smiled. "Yeah, I missed you too," he laughed, knowing what the other man was trying to say.
Remus nodded before grabbing some floo powder and throwing it in the fire. Sirius took care to memorize the address before Remus turned back, studying Sirius a final time before nodding. Only when Sirius nodded back did Remus disappear.
Then Sirius shivered and glanced around. He felt so incredibly alone.
