IM Meen began writing his story.
- One day, on the despicable little speck of a planet known as Earth, four strange and very interesting characters woke up in their two-story house; nothing had stirred, not even a mouse!
Three of them were barefooted Mimigas, most of which lacked a ballsack; the blue-shirted and green-shirted lesbian twins known as Sue and Toroko, and the lonely, nerdy, green-shirted, glasses-wearing young boy known as Jack.
These rabbit-like anthropomorphic dog creatures were also accompanied by a giant toaster-shaped robot thing-a-ma-nigger named Balrog, who had both the nose and the brain of a dog!
"OMG, Sue!" Toroko beckoned. "That, like, time we, like, had together on the queen-size bed, like, last, like, night was, like, totally, like, SOOOOOOOOOOOO much FUN! Can we, like, do it again, oh, please, please, pleeease?!"
"Like, pretty please?" Toroko whispered into Sue's ear.
"Sure, but only if that dumbass hunk of junk over there promises that he won't spy on us with his eye cameras again!" Sue replied.
"Teeheehee!" Balrog giggled, covering his mouth with his robot arms.
"OH, you big pervert!" Sue and Toroko scolded him.
"Wait a minute...what the FUCK is going on here?" Jack wondered out loud.
"What do you mean, my dear non-transvestite?" Balrog responded, re-applying his eyeliner and lip gloss, re-centering his golden wig, and checking himself in the mirror. "Does this bikini make my beautifully voluptuous rectangular ass look big?"
"Dear God, NO! Just...oh my god, just...NO!" Jack stammered. "Okay...f-first of all...Balrog, why in the hell are you wearing lipstick and high heels? That's just WRONG if I do say so myself."
"Hey, it makes me look pretty, you rude-ass wanker!" Balrog responded, logging onto Deviantart and sorting through massive libraries of foot fetish art on his iPad. "Say, how about a kiss?" he added, extending his arms out, grabbing Jack, pulling him head-first into his metal face with a loud and dizzying "CLONK!" and then forcefully rubbing him against it while hugging him so tightly he almost started choking.
"Put me down, you crossdressing fuckwit!" Jack yelled at him; all the hairs on his fur appeared to be standing straight up from the rather jarring experience.
"My, my, such foul language!" Toroko and Sue giggled like schoolgirls.
"Also, what in the actual living hell where Quote and Curly defeated Ballos is wrong with you two?" Jack continued, pointing at Sue and Toroko. "You're both acting like such stereotypical lesbian fanfiction sluts all of a sudden!"
"Heheheh..." Sue laughed. "My dear ex-boyfriend, this might be a bit hard for you to understand, but..."
"Wait a second, WHAT did you just say?" Jack interrupted, bewildered and confused beyond belief. "Am I really your EX-boyfriend now?"
"Why, yes, I'm afraid." Sue replied with a shit-eating smirk. "Do you know where you are right now?"
"Oh, please, don't tell me it's-"
"Oh yes it is, my friend." Sue responded, cackling evilly. "You're in my world now, four-eyes. A world where the pen truly is indeed mightier than the sword. A world where we all worship the Pen-Wielder and follow his every command...except you, because you're just a silly little four-eyed loser. Go to work already, you freak."
"Where?" Jack asked surprisingly politely.
"You know, that, like, fast food, like, place, like, right across the, like, subway line?" Toroko responded. "We eat there, like, all the time and yet we're both, like, incredibly, like, skinny. Would you mind, like, bringing some, like, home for us? Don't, like, forget the Shit-Squirtingly, like, Hot sauce."
"Ah, yes, we're simply famished." Sue replied, guzzling down a bottle of vodka mixed with orange juice.
Jack went into the bathroom to undress and take a shower, making sure that no one would be able to spy on him while he did so. "Okay, this looks simple. All I have to do is just simply rotate the handle on this knob into the red area like this, and the water will presumably become super- COLD!"
The water was so cold that Jack almost got hypothermia just from touching it! Shivering, crossing his arms over his chest and chattering his teeth, Jack leaped out of the shower and wrapped himself in Sue's shitty-smelling towel.
"Oh yeah, sorry about that." Sue apologized, opening the door. "The three of us had already used that shower before you, so I guess it was probably freezing cold."
"Jesus, YOU THINK?" Jack replied with a strongly pissed-off tone. "Honestly, I could've DIED in there for fuck's sake! Say, speaking of which, I just realized I gotta take a shit. Do you have any toilet paper left?"
"Sorry, we're all out." Sue replied. "Until we get more, you're just gonna have to use the towel."
At that remark, Jack's face turned green as his shirt as he slipped his equally green shirt back on. "You know, on second thought, I think there's something else I need to go do outside...urk!" he explained urgently. Meanwhile, Sue grabbed the towel and stuffed it into the washing machine.
As you probably expected, Jack ran out into the front yard and violently threw up into the rosebushes. "I know I have a habit of doing this, but, seriously, can I really blame myself this time?" he thought to himself. "You know what? I'm skipping breakfast this morning. Fuck breakfast. I've officially lost my appetite. I don't even wanna know what their fucking screwed-up shitty idea of breakfast is."
Suddenly, as he was walking to the car, he heard a buzzing sound coming from the bushes. "OH GOD, NO, NOT THE BEES!" Jack screamed, frantically scrambling into his car and slamming the door shut as a huge swarm of wasps came out of the bush; luckily, the windows were all shut. "Phew. That was a close one." he thought to himself as the swarm gave up and flew away to make a new nest elsewhere.
But then, to his horror, Jack discovered that one of the wasps had somehow snuck inside his ear canal!
Toroko and Balrog were able to hear his agonized screams of pain and terror from all the way out in the living room while watching TV!
"Man, like, seriously, like, what is, like, up with that hunky little guy?" Toroko asked Balrog.
"Oh, don't worry, my dear, he's just being fabulous." Balrog replied with a feminine wink.
"Should we, like, help him or something?" Toroko asked.
"Nah, he'll be fine." Balrog replied uncaringly. "Meh, I'd much rather sit on the couch."
After finally killing and disposing of the sneaky little bastard with bug spray, Jack turned on the car and saw a stale granola bar in the glove compartment. "Guess this is going to be my shitty breakfast after all..." he thought miserably to himself, activating the GPS map on his iPhone.
"Alright, so this restaurant that they were talking about is apparently none other than...DIARRHEA BELL? On SHITSDALE STREET? Are you fucking shitting me?" Jack angrily growled with shock. "Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised...IM Meen, you are a truly sick bastard, you know that?" he sighed exasperatedly, driving off to work.
On the way to the nearest subway station, Jack ran into traffic jam after traffic jam. To make matters even more exciting, it suddenly started raining like hell, he had to dodge several car accidents, the loose tire from an eighteen-wheeler truck almost flew right into his windshield, the heater malfunctioned and just about burned him to death, the Crazybus title screen music started playing on the radio, he nearly got struck by lightning...and he forgot his umbrella.
"Well, this is just fan-fucking-tastic!" Jack sneered, crossing his arms. "Tell me, Mr. Award-Winning-Writer, you; what's the worst that could happen?"
On the subway, he got s(h)at on by the fattest woman on the train while everyone laughed at him and called him derogatory names like "Boil-Face", "Furry-Fag", "Pimple-Tits", "Pus-Brain", "Four-Eyed Freak" and "Bunny-Boy".
After stumbling out of the train and being trampled by a stampede of Black Friday Wal-Mart customers, Jack desperately scraped himself off the ground, hoping he would at least survive to see the next day. "Should I stay or should I go, be it to heaven or hell? I suppose my destiny will decide."
Just as Jack stepped out onto the sidewalk, God's giant hands suddenly came out of the sky, flipped his head open like a Pokeball, and crammed a giant book of self-proclaimed "KNOWLEDGE" into it.
"Oh, come on, seriously?" Jack groaned. "Couldn't you at least take the time to make a pop culture reference that's actually funny and not completely forced?"
Crossing the street and narrowly lunging out of the way of a passing bank robbery car and its furious cop-car pursuer, Jack started to realize how much this area reminded him of all the nasty things he had heard about Detroit. "Could it be?" he thought. "Nah, I doubt it. There aren't enough decaying walls and boarded-up windows on the buildings."
And with those famous legendary words, Jack walked into Diarrhea Bell.
