It amused me slightly when I read back over the first chapter and realised I'd made a slight faux pas in that Caroline, head of a private school, is reading an email about free school meals. Artistic licence *cough cough*

In any case, thank you to anyone who reviewed or followed, it genuinely makes my day a lot of the time. I hope you enjoy this chapter x

MOUNTAIN OF AFFECTION

Two: Know love's grief by his complexion

"Gillian?"

"Robbie and Raff went back t' farm and– they went with her, in t' ambulance." Even though the panic thrust itself through in every syllable, Alan didn't lose his accent. "We're on the way t' hospital now, me and Celia."

"What happened?"

"We're not really sure."

"Did she collapse or something?"

"No, she–"

Caroline waited, but in the silence he seemed to accuse her, like he'd explained everything and was awaiting her reply. Gavin gave a nod as she mouthed 'sorry', evidently impatient but uncertain as to whether impatience was inappropriate. Even in the heavy silence Caroline was struggling to focus on Gillian; everything in her was focused on Loretta Johnson and what she'd done. Said goodbye to her career and potentially thrown the school to the wolves. You didn't do that unless you felt like there was nothing left, or unless you were no longer in control.

"Well, is there anything I can do?" she asked.

"Won't you come to the hospital?"

"I'm sorry, Alan, I'm actually in the middle of a meeting at the moment. I can probably drive over when it's finished if–

"I know," his voice crackled and he broke off momentarily, "I know you and our Gillian haven't been on the best of terms lately."

Well, Alan hadn't been on the best of terms with her either, had he? They'd barely seen each other since he'd found out about John, Celia had told her the other night, and Caroline knew how inseparable father and daughter were normally. It brought tears to her own eyes to recall Gillian weeping at Alan's bedside in the first hours after his heart attack. Caroline spent most of her waking hours frustrated with her mother, but she couldn't go a day without speaking to her.

"Well, I've been busy with work, and Gillian's had a lot to do on–"

"You know about Eddie, don't you?"

It was one thing to discuss when she'd be home with her mother while Gavin was in earshot, but she didn't feel comfortable revealing deeper things, things like her future sister-in-law's husband's death.

"Yes," she said.

"You know how they– how Gillian found–"

She could hear Celia in the background. "It's not good for you to get so worked up. She's probably just had a fall."

"They– Robbie and Raff, they found her in the barn."

Caroline had been considering getting up and concluding the call in Beverley's office away from Gavin, but now she was glad she'd stayed still because she thought she'd have fallen down wherever she was when she heard those words.

"Do you think you could manage without me?"

"It's not really–" Gavin stopped, seeming to see the shift in her eyes from the phone call being the inconvenience to everything else in the world being the inconvenience, because now she had to be with someone and nothing else mattered. "We can probably postpone it a couple of hours. We'll get on dealing with some other matters until you're back."

She nodded slowly. "Alan. I'll be at the hospital as soon as I can be. Ring me if there's any news. Anything."

XxXxX

She rang Kate while she was driving. She knew she shouldn't, knew that getting herself killed because she wasn't concentrating on the roads wouldn't help anyone, but she found herself desperate to hear that gentle voice. Normally, when something was wrong, she'd ring Gillian; it was the way things worked, they traded problems, chattered about their parents to fill in the silences when they needed something trivial to cover the silence while they were lost in their own thoughts. She hadn't spoken to Gillian in almost three weeks now.

"Thought you had an über-important meeting?"

"Are you teaching?"

"Would I have answered if I was?"

Caroline bit down hard on her lip as she hit the brake in order to stop in time at a set of traffic lights. Her reaction times were shot, and her lip was bleeding. Gillian and Loretta were bouncing around her head, rubbing against one another; two women she thought she understood up until yesterday, and now she just didn't know any more. If someone had asked her what colour an orange was she wasn't sure she'd have known the answer, her head was pounding so hard.

"I'm not teaching, no," Kate said, "What's happening with Loretta? You know, it's not your fault, you couldn't have known she'd do that."

"I know," Caroline whispered.

"Do you want me to come up to your office?"

The driver behind her held his hand down on the horn helpfully when she didn't respond to the green light. He even more helpfully stuck two fingers up as he overtook her.

"I'm not there."

"Why, where are you? Are you alright?"

"I'm driving over to Halifax."

"What happened to the über-important meeting?" Kate asked, with more than a trace of disappointment in her tone, "What happened to meeting me in the organ loft at lunch?"

"Well, it's good to know you're still self-centred."

She threw her phone down in the foot well of the passenger seat. It was becoming something of an unhealthy habit, throwing things when she was driving, she really shouldn't. Particularly when it hurt Kate; this wasn't Kate's fault. She drove one-handed alone the road, bending low over the wheel as she scrabbled with her fingers in the foot well for the phone. Someone else hit their horn.

"I need to apologise to her," she said to no-one in particular.

Several horns were held down at once, their honking harsh against the softness of the Yorkshire countryside, and she raised her hand just fast enough to grasp the wheel and swerve away from the edge of the road. She heard the air between the car and the hedgerow whistle as she whipped alongside it, she heard how close she was to flying off the edge of the road and into nothingness. Another habit, not always unintentional.

She saw her boys' faces, saw them dressed in black suits. Lawrence's sleeves were a little too long and his tears dribbled onto them as he reached up to wipe his face. Celia's pulled them in towards her, one on either side, pressed her face into William's side.

"Stop it," she yelled, "Stop it."

She pulled up at the side of the road and brought her knees up to her chin and sat there, hugging herself in the drivers' seat, watching the drivers' heads turn inquisitively as they passed her car. It was a stupid place to park, if someone went into the side of her she'd probably go off the cliff anyway. She wondered if she really cared any more, and saw William and Lawrence again, like that was her punishment for such thoughts. And she called Kate self-centred.

She found her phone and dialled Kate's number. "Sorry. I'm sorry."

"Beverley says it's a family emergency, is it Alan?"

"No. No, it's Gillian."

"Gillian? What happened, did she have an accident or something?"

"I don't know. Alan said– he said they thought–"

"Hey," Kate whispered, "Hey, don't."

Whilst they sat in silence it started to rain. The droplets hammered on the roof of Caroline's far and she thought, rather than her sons having to say goodbye to her mother, it might turn out to be Raff wearing the oversized suit. They hadn't ever discussed it but Caroline thought that Gillian would probably want lots of flowers at her funeral, and everyone would have to wear brightly coloured ties or high heels. Never one for misery, Gillian. They'd probably have the wake at the farm, looking out on Gillian's battered red tractor and her beloved sheep.

"Jesus, stop it."

"Stop what? Where are you, Caroline? Are you still driving?"

"No. I've stopped."

"I don't understand. Is Gillian going to be okay?"

Caroline got out of the car and moved round so that she was on the inside, leaning against the passenger door and looking out at the sky's merging into the horizon. Gillian would have thought this was so beautiful; she always was– no, she still was one for falling in love with the beauty of places, for giving thanks when something took her breath away. Caroline would bring her here and they would stand together in the drizzle and laugh.

"Yes."

XxXxX