Melancholic
Chapter Two
'1981: Then there was that smile you gave me'
The annual Ushiromiya family conference had ended without incident; or, with no more 'incidents' than usual. Eva had been her usual sour self, spitting poison at Natsuhi and questioning her status as an Ushiromiya when she wasn't even permitted to wear the one-winged eagle- but that was fairly common practice for Eva.
Once Shannon had seen the other Ushiromiyas off at the harbor (George had given her a warm smile and a 'farewell' meant only for her; and how had George become such a gentleman? When had that happened? He had always been quiet, refined- but never before had been quite that charming) Natsuhi seemed to recover. Her headaches became less and less frequent; and Shannon saw the put-upon woman massaging her temples only on rare occasions.
After the noise and chaos of the family conference (bickering between the siblings was a given, even if it had been rather low-key that year; maybe because the level-headed Kyrie had been there), the island was- once more- left in silence...
"Shannon! Are you spacing out again?"
"U-um... N-no...!"
Or, at least, something vaguely resembling 'silence'.
It was impossible to peace and quiet to prevail, though, when Ushiromiya Jessica was around.
Shannon, who had been busy stripping Jessica's pillows of their old cases, froze.
Had she been spacing out?
She hadn't, had she...?
At least, she didn't think she'd been, but maybe...
"Oh my gosh, I don't believe this!" Jessica sniggered. "You're doing it again."
Shannon's face flushed.
"N-no I'm not!" she countered- half-heartedly, because some part of her was saying she wasn't meant to answer back to her masters, and another part of her said such boundaries didn't exist between friends; but a greater part of Shannon, greater than those confusing conflicting emotions, was saying there was no point denying her inattentiveness anyway because it was obvious (even to herself) her head had been well and truly in the clouds.
Her mind hadn't been in her head at all- at least, in a metaphorical sense.
And Shannon certainly hadn't been focusing on her work.
That in itself would have been excusable. Making beds wasn't very difficult- not even for a clumsy maid like Shannon- and her fingers would move by themselves whilst her head carried her elsewhere, to half-formed fairytales and princes on white horses.
But Jessica had been talking to her.
Jessica had a tendency to talk too quickly when she was over-excited (which, Shannon had learnt to discover, was whenever Jessica had somebody to converse with), and Shannon hadn't heard all the details. Something about some girl called... 'Akita'?
Whilst Shannon had no idea who 'Akita' was, or what she had done that was (in Jessica's eyes) so inexcusable, Shannon had tried to show an interest. She had nodded and gone 'mmn hmn' at appropriate intervals, whilst she folded the dirty linen and put fresh cases on Jessica's pillows.
However, at some point, Shannon's mind had wandered.
And being inattentive was- for both a maid, and a friend- inexcusable.
"Oh geez," Jessica sighed, stabbing a finger at Shannon in an accusatory manner. "You weren't listening to me at all, were you?"
Shannon backed away slightly, flushing- and felt a small jolt of pain, as she collided with the wall.
O-ouch...
That kind of hurt...
Apparently some guys liked 'clumsy maids' (at least, Shannon had heard two of the other maids talking about that, whilst giggling), but Shannon couldn't stand being so inept. It was embarrassing- and painful.
In Shannon's eyes, there was nothing endearing about getting bruised shins because she kept walking into solid objects.
Nothing at all.
"I-I was listening..." Shannon mumbled into the pillow she held against her chest. "I was..."
Jessica's eyes narrowed.
"Yeah, sure, right. Then what was I saying?"
Well. Jessica had her there.
That was precisely why Shannon didn't tell lies; because she was never able to follow them through, or make them sound believable. Not to mention, whenever she told an untruth, she always felt herself flushing, and her fingertips trembling, as though she expected to be chastised- and Shannon (being reasonably sensible) would have preferred to avoid any unpleasant sensations if at all possible.
"U-um..." Shannon muttered, floundering, as her fingers dug even deeper into the pillow. She looked around at Jessica's room, as though hoping to find some inspiration (what had she been talking about?), but- unsurprisingly- it didn't help.
"You know what I think, Shannon?" asked Jessica, voice dangerous.
"W-what do you think...?"
Jessica was sat, cross-legged, on her freshly made bed, getting creases in the covers- but Shannon didn't have the heart to shoo her off. The blonde girl was pouting.
She pulled that face a lot.
Shannon vaguely remembered a time when they were very young- maybe six or seven- and they'd gone to the beach ('they' being her and Jessica and George and Battler). Jessica and Battler had worked at building a sand castle, claiming it was going to the 'best sand castle in the world!'- speaking with the same pride all young children held about their 'endeavors'. Battler and Jessica had toiled and toiled away at that sand castle, putting real sweat, blood and tears into their task (Battler had fallen over and scraped his knee and it had looked pretty painful, but he pushed Shannon's concerns away, gritted his teeth together and picked himself back up).
And then the tide had come in and washed all their hard work away.
The pout little six year old Jessica had worn on that day, as she watched her sand castle collapse and crumble, was very similar to the pout she wore now, looking up at Shannon.
"I think you're..."
Jessica paused, building suspense- almost as if she were waiting for a drum roll. She picked a pillow up, turning it over and over in her hands as she pondered.
Shannon continued to watch her, her lips pursed slightly in concern.
"M-milady...?"
That was a mistake.
Jessica's eyes narrowed at this.
In a sudden motion, Jessica drew back her hand-
"I think you're a liar!"
"Kyahh!"
-and threw the pillow at Shannon.
Luckily, Shannon managed to catch it.
With her face.
If this was what 'friendship' was, Shannon wasn't too sure she wanted it.
It was painful.
"You've been acting weird for ageeees," said Jessica, drawing out the word for so long it was a wonder it didn't snap in two. "Ever since, umm, the family conference, I think. I know you have a lot of stuff to do, but you've never been that spacey before. Why? Whyyy?~"
Shannon felt her face flush slightly at the question. At that moment she was glad Jessica had thrown the pillow at her, because it meant she had an excuse to bend down and pick it up; to hide her red cheeks from questioning eyes.
"You're blushing. Why're you blushing, Shannon?"
"E-eheheh..."
It didn't work, though.
Jessica was incredibly perceptive- far more than Shannon would ever have believed, considering Jessica's bedroom was in a perpetual state of disarray. Honestly- it looked like a bomb had hit it.
That seemed to fit Jessica's personality, though.
Chaotic and cluttered- but, at the same time, comforting.
Jessica's bedroom was completely different to the rest of the mansion; a small spot of untidiness amidst a sea of swept floors and pristine furniture. The main mansion always felt dead- and that only made the atmosphere more eerie when Shannon walked through the corridors at night, and the windows would (seemingly) open themselves to let the cold air in. Jessica's room was filled with her personality though; from the posters on her walls to the clothes that littered her floor- and it felt far more lived-in than any other area of the mansion.
Shannon couldn't imagine any ghost stories circulating about Jessica's room.
It was... safe.
"Shannon~" Jessica half-sang her name, looking up at Shannon as she placed the pillows back onto the bed. "You're being weird."
"I-I'm not 'weird'."
"Oh yeah you are. Incurably weird. It's like a virus! You're infected!"
Shannon turned to look at Jessica, frowning slightly.
"What am I infected with?"
"...Something." Jessica's eyes widened, and the tone of her voice dropped, as though she were about to tell a horror story. "It's difficult to describe, but you're not like other girls... Your hair always looks so nice- like, even when you're outside and it's all windy and stuff- and you're so pretty... Way too pretty! No girl should be that pretty. So I think it's a symptom of something."
"A symptom?"
Jessica laughed.
"Like a disease."
"M-maybe it's contagious..." Shannon said, returning Jessica's smile with a tentative one of her own.
It wouldn't hurt to play along.
The other maids all excluded Shannon from their conversations. She was 'strange', the 'odd one out'; clumsy Shannon who always lost her keys, poor Shannon whose face was always flustered, pitiable Shannon who was always, always scolded by Natsuhi.
Shannon... didn't really have any friends...
It had been a while since she joked with somebody in such a light-hearted manner.
It felt... nice.
Even though it was a little strange.
"Maybe it is contagious," Jessica replied, nodding sagely. "Maybe."
"Perhaps I should leave?" Shannon asked. "I wouldn't want you to catch anything."
"Nahhh." Jessica shook her head, still smiling. Her ponytail bounced slightly at the moment. "S'okay."
A small pause overtook them; a delicate silence running through the room- but it was tenuous, like a single thread.
'Silence' and 'Ushiromiya Jessica' did not, as a rule, go hand-in-hand together. Whenever Jessica was around quiet turned tail and peace fled for cover; such was the blonde girl's loud nature.
But... Jessica didn't look particularly loud at that moment.
Instead, she was staring up at her ceiling, her eyes misty and far-away.
"I wish it was contagious..."
Shannon looked at Jessica curiously, unsure whether she'd heard that correctly. Jessica's voice had been speculative- almost longing- and it was just a little disconcerting.
Why did Jessica sound so sad...?
"Being pretty," Jessica muttered, clarifying, even though Shannon never asked her to- and her brows were furrowed, her lips pursed, and Jessica looked just as confused as Shannon was. "I wish it was... Then maybe I'd have tried to spend more time around you- and we'd never have drifted apart. And I would look more like you..."
"J-jessica?"
"Hn?"
Jessica blinked, looking at Shannon as though she'd only just seen her for the first time- and then she smiled. Laughing, looking a little sheepish, Jessica ruffled her hair with her hands, running fingers through her ponytail.
"Ignore that," Jessica said, laughing. "I wasn't being serious. Just thinking out loud, y'know? Ahahaha..."
Jessica's tone was light-hearted. Teasing.
But that wasn't all.
Shannon had caught a definite hint of 'something else' in there.
Something strangely wistful.
And didn't friends comfort other friends...?
Shannon sat down next to Jessica, moving awkwardly- she wasn't sure whether she, as a servant, was allowed to be so forward (but she wasn't just a servant, was she? Or was she being presumptuous...?)
The mere act of sitting down... shouldn't have felt so strange.
When was the last time she sat down and spoke to Jessica?
Shannon shook her head.
That didn't matter.
The past was the past, after all; but this was now, and Jessica was upset (even though she was laughing, pretending she wasn't), and it was Shannon's job to cheer her up.
"Please don't say things like that," said Shannon, smiling softly. "There are many good qualities about you, too. And you are pretty."
"Huh. You try telling that to some of the guys I know... They'd much prefer a girl like you."
"I-is that so?"
"All guys like maids."
"T-that seems like a very shallow reason to like somebody."
"People are shallow creatures. Sometimes it kind of makes me feel sick. Haha..."
Jessica gave a small laugh, but it lacked it's usual humor.
It was empty.
"Um... J-jessica...?"
Then, suddenly, in a burst of movement, Jessica lifted her hair- blonde hair bouncing- and affixed Shannon with a suspicious glare.
"But that doesn't matter!" Jessica declared. "Stop changing the subject! You've got to tell me what's wrong!"
Shannon bit her lip, face flushing- both at Jessica's close proximity (was this another thing 'friends' did? The other maids hardly ever went near her) and her demand; 'tell me what's wrong.'
Shannon thought about saying 'I wasn't changing the subject' because she hadn't been; it was Jessica who'd brought up that 'disease' spiel; but Shannon was sure Jessica would say 'stop stalling!' if she tried to correct her. Besides, Shannon wasn't the sort of girl who could correct people anyway; it was always her who was getting scolded by other people. Trying to turn the tables felt wrong, somehow, as though she were going against the natural order of things. If Shannon tried to be assertive the whole world would be turned upside down! Chaos would take hold of Rokkenjima!
...Well, maybe not.
Shannon smiled a little at that thought.
Like she- a lowly maid- could never have had such an explosive impact on Rokkenjima. If she put one toe out of line, it was more likely Miss Natsuhi would just fire her.
But she could always dream.
She could always dream she was more important than she really was... A pivotal character in a mystery story, maybe.
...Or even a romance.
Because he said he was going to come back for her.
He said.
A-and even though he hadn't returned that year- the family conference of 1981 was over, swept under the rug like dust and dirt- he would definitely return again. The next year, maybe?
...There were no 'maybes' about it.
He would definitely come back the next year.
Because princes didn't make promises they couldn't keep.
T-they didn't...
And Shannon wouldn't let herself doubt that.
Hope was all she had.
"You're flushing again!" Jessica cried, prodding Shannon's cheek with one of her fingers- effectively snapping Shannon out of her daydream, as though bursting a balloon. "Either you're actually sick, or..."
Jessica's eyes were sparkling mischievously.
Shannon... didn't like that look.
It seemed to signal trouble.
"O-or?" Shannon asked tremulously- almost nervous for the reply.
She didn't have long to wait.
"It's so obvious!" Jessica said, still grinning. "You... have a boyfriend!"
Shannon's eyes widened to such great proportions they nearly ate up half of her face.
"E-ehhh?"
And the squeak she gave probably could've been heard by the seagulls across the ocean.
"It's true, isn't it?" Jessica asked excitably. Her face was triumphant; and she was peering into Shannon's face with such intensity it felt as though she could have burnt a hole through Shannon's head. "It's true you've always been a bit flaky, but that's gotten even worse lately! When you're meant to be working you just sort of stop sometimes, and stare off into the distance, and you get this stupid smile on your face... And you keep blushing! Shannon's in love! It's, like, the only explanation!"
Once again, Shannon was reminded of just how very perceptive Jessica was.
Shannon felt her heartbeat increase, just a little, as images of Battler fluttered past her mind's eye like butterflies; his smile, his laugh.
His promise.
And even though Shannon believed the past was in the past, she couldn't let go of that memory; it was ingrained into her mind like a carving in wood.
Shannon clung onto that promise- that handful of words spoken by an idealistic boy- as a dying person would hold onto their last breaths (their last chance of life), because it was all they could do.
It was all Shannon could do.
Shannon had to sit and wait and count the stars in the sky at night and play at being the princess- waiting (hoping) that he would come back.
But he would come back.
He would.
He had to.
"Heheh~" Jessica laughed- a rather eerie sound, just like the witch from the rumors. "Who is it? Who is it? Who's the lucky guy?"
"I'll come back for you."
"Y-you promise?"
And then Battler smiled. He was only a child- not even a teenager yet- and still had that unruly hair that wouldn't lie flat no matter how much you brushed it, and one of his knees was scraped from some argument with Jessica earlier, his pants stained with dirt; but, at that moment he looked like the most mature person Shannon had ever seen.
Her heart skipped a beat.
"I'll definitely come back." Battler's smile widened- and Shannon felt her face flush as he pressed a hand against her head; rubbing her hair, as though she were a cat. "So don't worry."
"B-battler...?"
"It's a promise."
But that wasn't right, was it?
Servants weren't supposed to fall in love with the people they waited upon; it was wrong- and if being tentative, sort-of-kind-of 'friends' with Jessica when Natsuhi wasn't looking was bad, then dreaming helplessly about Ushiromiya Battler every night was even worse.
Shannon had no right.
She was a lowly servant.
Simply imagining herself with Battler- dreaming of a future where they could be together- was disrespectful towards the Ushiromiya family. They had been kind to her- even Miss Natsuhi, in her own harsh way- providing a place for her to work and live, and clothes to wear and food to eat. She was an orphan, and they had taken her in.
And that was how she repaid them.
By selfishly falling in love- against all warning and reason- with Battler.
It would never work.
It shouldn't have worked.
Servants couldn't be with their masters; the class divide was much too big, and Shannon would only drag Battler down- as pond weed could snare around swimmers and pull their heads under the water.
Shannon would drown Battler.
She'd... ruin him...
But he promised.
Sometimes, when Shannon's belief in Battler faltered, she dredged this memory up from the marshes in her mind and held it close to her heart; let her eyes flutter shut, knotted her fingers together in silent prayer, and forced herself to keep hoping.
Even though she knew it was wrong.
She shouldn't have hoped at all.
It was selfish.
But she couldn't help herself.
She couldn't stop loving Battler little more than the tide could stop turning or the wind stop blowing.
"Hey, Shannon!~" Jessica cried- and Shannon started guiltily (her mind was all over the place that morning; it wouldn't settle, like a pool of water filled with ripples that kept on expanding outwards and the slightest touch; and Jessica's talk of 'love' had completely unsettled her).
"I-I'm sorry," Shannon apologized, bowing her head. "I-I know I should be more attentive..."
"Yeah, you should."
And then Jessica tilted her head to one side and smiled. Somehow, Jessica's smile reminded Shannon, just a little, of that time one year ago (was it only a year? It felt much, much longer) when Battler had patted her head and promised her a fairytale happily ever after so determinedly. Jessica's eyes, like Battler's, were shining blue; and her smile radiated warmth.
Shannon felt her heartbeat skip a beat.
Had she been so focused on Battler... that she'd forgotten about all the other people around her?
Shannon fallen in love- selfishly, so selfish- and that was a wonderful thing (a terrible thing); they were too different, it wouldn't work (but he'd promised), and whenever she thought of Battler it made her skin tingle and her face flush, as she nursed her secret love inside her heart as though she were tending to a baby bird.
But had Shannon been so enraptured with her love- with Battler- that her eyes failed to see the beauty in everything else?
When was the last time she'd looked at the sea... and seen how blue it was?
The sea... It reminded her of Battler.
It made her think of his eyes.
But if Shannon stopped appreciating things for what they really were- if she let her whole life be tainted by this wonderful, terrible, secret love she held, so small and soft and fragile inside her heart- then... that really would be a tragedy.
Battler wasn't the only person in Shannon's universe.
There was Jessica, too.
And if Shannon had forgotten what amazing qualities Jessica possessed (no, not just Jessica; if she'd forgotten just how amazing the whole world around her, at her fingertips, was; the sea and sky and the air she breathed, the spray of the sea) then that... might have been the most selfish thing Shannon had ever done.
And the most tragic.
You opened your eyes to the possibility of 'love'- but closed your mind to everything else.
You shut it all out.
Lost in a daydream.
And it took you too long to realise it.
That's... unforgivable, isn't it?
Shannon bit her lower lip in agitation, her eyes trembling with emotion-
And then, feeling very overwhelmed by the suddenness of her feelings, Shannon bowed her head; a polite gesture, but it was performed more out of necessity than anything. The weight of her emotions was too heavy; it pushed her down (crushed her).
"I-I'm sorry... I'm sorry!"
Jessica blinked at Shannon in confusion.
Then, she smiled.
And laughed.
"Don't worry. You're a girl in love! People act really weird when they're in love, right? I forgive you. Just don't ignore me again. Hahaha!~"
Shannon flushed.
It was... okay?
Was it?
Could she really continue to live her life like that; not even realizing the sea was blue, and being far too enraptured in childish fairytales with happy endings to see the reality that surrounded her?
...No.
That wasn't alright.
And it never would be.
Shannon's 'world' had been comprised of herself and Battler- built on a single promise, a small smile, and the feeling of his fingers threading through her hair- for too long.
The universe had to expand.
Shannon couldn't stay the same, not changing; ignorant of the misery other people could suffer, as she drowned under the weight of her own love.
Because love was wonderful- but it was also destructive.
And just a little frightening.
Shannon had to open her eyes.
Wake up from her dream.
And see the universe for what it really was.
It might have taken two people to create a world- but it took more (many, many more) to sustain it.
"You don't have to tell me who the guy is," said Jessica, relenting a little; though her smile, bright as a field of sunflowers, remained. "I know how fragile a girl's heart is! And you look like the delicate type; like the sort of girl guys would just want to protect! But it's not like that with me... It's never been like that... With me... Huh."
Shannon watched Jessica with curiosity, as her cheerful nature slowly became something more jaded; more melancholic.
When Jessica was lost in thought, her eyes dull and her lips pursed, she looked an awful lot like Natsuhi; poor, over-worked Natsuhi whom Shannon couldn't help sympathizing with even though she shouldn't have done.
It was a wonder Natsuhi didn't snap in two, being so put-upon; abused and taunted because she didn't have the 'right' to wear the one-winged eagle.
And, all of a sudden, Jessica looked a lot like that.
Had Jessica worn that expression before?
How many times before?
Or was this what Jessica always looked like underneath her bright smile?
Had she always been that miserable?
That lonely?
Was that... just another thing Shannon had failed to see?
They had been friends once, hadn't they?
Best friends.
Why did that change?
It was because you fell in love.
As Shannon grew up, from a clumsy sapling to a crooked flower- bent at the stem, leaves withered, and not that pretty really; still useless and awkward and always doing things wrong- she had begun to spend more and more time with Battler. She drifted apart from Jessica.
She fell in love.
Her eyes were opened.
And, at the same time, she became completely blind.
Shannon had abandoned Jessica.
Abandoned her for the memory of a promise and Battler's wide smile; and Shannon didn't know when, exactly, she moved away from Jessica, but it had been happening for some time- slowly, very slowly...
Until Battler made that promise.
And all the other people in Shannon's universe disappeared.
She'd really been... very selfish.
A horrible person.
But she was going to change that.
She had to.
a/n: The flow of this chapter feels /weird/ ._. Idk, I don't really like how it's written. It feels too far removed from the style of the first chapter, um... somehow...
-ponder-
I found it difficult trying to portray the emotions I wanted to here XD; I hope it's still understandable.
This fic is more of a character study/forming of a relationship fic than a real plot-driven fic, so please don't expect anything too amazing- like explosions or anything XD''
~renahhchen xoxo
