She'd dreaded going to work before. The morning after Sealview, Gitano, but this was different.
She'd arrived early in hope that she wouldn't have to face him before she had a chance to settle in. Munch was in but Fin and Elliot's desks were deserted. She didn't know whether to breathe a sigh of relief or anxiety at his absence.
Munch looked up from his coffee as Olivia dropped her stuff on her desk, a little surprised to see her.
"Hey Liv, how you feeling?" he asked with an air of concern.
"I'm fine." She shook off her coat and moved over to the counter to grab a coffee.
I'm fine.
A statement Olivia had a habit of overusing particularly in times when she was the exact opposite.
There was a brief silence before Munch continued.
"You know if you wanted to take a day off I'm sure Cragen wouldn't mind." He made the suggestion as he came over to the counter.
She gripped her coffee mug and swung around annoyed. "What, you too?"
Munch looked puzzled.
She closed her eyes trying to bring on some sort of semblance of control, she hadn't even been here a minute and she was losing it.
"I'm sorry," she said, trying to redeem herself. Her eyes fell to her empty mug. "I just don't need someone else telling me how incapable I am."
Munch stepped a little closer. "You're plenty capable Liv," he told her softly. "It just would have been a rough night is all."
She nodded relieved at his encouragement. If only he knew. She picked up the pot of steaming coffee and began to pour.
"This about Elliot? He giving you a hard time?" His eyes studied the side of her face.
Her hand shook slightly at the question, she had to steady her hands as she poured.
That name, and already she was flustered.
"Look, it's fine really," she told him placing the coffee pot back. She didn't wait around for him to continue, she just headed for her desk. Even if she had wanted sugar or creamer it wouldn't have been worth it. She wasn't going to continue that conversation. She blew on her coffee and took a small sip. The caffeine was beyond welcome.
"Morning Elliot." She heard the words come from Munch and a flush of apprehension flooded through her. She glanced over her shoulder to catch Elliot walking towards his desk. Without so much as a look in her direction he dropped his coat and let it fall messily over the back of his chair.
She swallowed realising that if he wasn't going to answer Munch she'd have no luck with him. She watched as he moved over to grab a coffee mug and Munch shot Olivia a look. She tried not to pay attention, instead pulling out the latest case file.
"Elliot, get in here."
Olivia looked up to see Cragen at his door barking at Elliot, her stomach dropped. She knew that tone, she knew Cragen was pissed at Elliot.
Elliot stilled, putting his coffee mug firmly back down. He turned around and walked towards Cragen's office. She watched him in his pursuit and without warning his eyes flicked to hers just before he got to Cragen's door. She could barely breathe at the eye contact. The door shut behind them and she bit into her lip.
"What was that all about?" Munch asked her and she just shook her head, praying he wouldn't push it further.
Just as Munch opened his mouth to say something his phone rang.
"Hey Fin," Munch answered.
She let out a breath she didn't know she was holding, grateful the heat was off her.
She was flicking through the case file when the door to Cragen's office opened and Elliot came back into view.
He quickly grabbed his coat from his chair and without so much as a glance in Olivia's direction, headed for the exit. She closed her eyes and tried not to read too much into it.
"Olivia." Cragen's voice snapped her back to reality. Her eyes moved up to his, he was motioning for her to come into his office. She stood up and walked towards him. As she passed through the threshold, he shut the door behind them.
"Take a seat," he said and her heart rate ascended with concern. She took the seat he offered, almost tasting the situations severity.
He considered her as she sat down. Olivia clasped her hands in front of her trying to exude complacency.
"You ok?" he asked her with a hint of apprehension. She noticed he was barely making eye contact with her now.
She cleared her throat. "I'm fine," she said reiterating her earlier response. She felt like a broken record.
"I just want to make sure." His eyes flicked from hers to the door behind her and back, she could tell he was uneasy.
"What's this about?" She shifted in her seat, determined to get to the point.
He gave her his full eye contact and she could tell it was killing him. "Elliot seems to think that you're not ok."
Olivia's eyebrows came together, she tried to quench the impending anger.
"Well Elliot should mind his own business," she said with a little too much distain.
"Like I told you, I'm fine," she repeated.
He considered her rebuttal. "So are you confident in saying that during the events of last night you felt adequately capable and sufficiently safe given the circumstances?"
Her fingernails dug into the arms of her chair. She was going to kill him, what on earth did he say to Cragen.
"Yes," she said through gritted teeth, trying desperately to control her temper.
He bit into his lip, as if he was determining whether or not she was being honest. She prayed he wouldn't push it. His eyes finally made their way back to hers.
"I'd like you to see Huang."
She narrowed her eyes at him.
"What. Why?" she said with annoyance. This had come out of nowhere.
When he didn't answer right away she continued.
"You just asked me if I was ok, and what, you don't believe me?"
First Elliot, then Munch, now her captain. She'd had enough, she was ready to pick a fight.
Cragen took in a deep breath.
"It's just a formality," he said with conviction.
"That's bullshit." She lent forward. "It's only a formality when you don't take my word for it."
Cragen's eyes narrowed in on Olivia, a visible gesture to let her know she was crossing a line.
"That's enough Olivia, if you believe there was no problem last night, then there should be no problem seeing Huang," he told her sternly.
"It's a waste of time, that's my problem. Elliot put you up to this didn't he?" She put it out there, he had to be behind this.
"Elliot had nothing to do with this," Cragen began and before she could rebut he finished. "Now I don't want to hear another word, you're seeing Huang this afternoon and that's final."
She stood up, the chair moving backwards at her abrupt stance. She didn't respond, she needed to get out of that office right now or she'd end up saying something she'd regret. As her hand reached the doorknob to his office, his voice stopped her from turning it.
"You'll be working with Fin until further notice," he told her flatly.
That one sentence made her nearly collapse. She turned around to see Cragen's attention was now drawn to the file in front of him.
"Why?" Her voice nearly broke. A million reasons flew through her mind.
Elliot had requested another partner.
Cragen had picked up on the issues between them.
Elliot was quitting.
Elliot had requested another partner.
That last one stuck with her.
"Elliot's been suspended until further notice," he said, answering her lingering question.
She swallowed, an outcome she hadn't considered. She let go of the handle. "Why?" she repeated angrily.
Nothing was making sense.
Cragen's voice rose in volume. "He broke protocol, he crossed a line, I said 'wait' and he didn't. He needs to know he can't go around half cocked doing whatever he damn well pleases, something you've seemed to pick up from him along the years," he told her ending the sentence in a yell.
She bit into her lip, feeling suddenly responsible.
"So are you going to tell me you don't agree with Elliot's suspension, that you did require assistance, that you weren't capable of protecting yourself?"
He asked the million dollar question. It was a catch 22, there was no way out of this if she wanted to keep her dignity. She considered the question with an open mind, it was a blurry line. She had been grateful for his intervention but when it came down to it, did she need it?
"I had it under control," she said the words that sold her soul.
"But that doesn't mean I agree with the suspension." The words left her mouth with conviction as she finally twisted the doorknob and exited his office.
Jesus Christ Olivia Benson was pure sin.
He'd be lying if he said he hadn't always found her attractive on some level. Even day one he wanted to kick Cragen's ass for partnering him with perfection, but through the years he'd managed by some miracle to manifest the attraction into admiration and a deep friendship not even Kathy understood.
He had those moments where he'd find himself lingering on the fullness of her lips when she spoke to him, or he'd involuntarily catch the curve of her backside as she walked by his desk but it was drilled in to him from the beginning that she was his partner and through that marine mode of self brainwashing, that's all she was to him.
Until last night.
Last night she threw a bloody grenade into the wall they'd been building between them for ten long years and he was helpless. It's as if she taken that trusty 'thou shalt not covert thy partner' manual they'd both been so diligently referencing and tossed it to the wind. He was enraged at how easy it was for her to sever the past ten years over a foolish competition.
He knew it had disaster written all over it the moment Cragen told her she was the bait on this case. She didn't listen to him, she was determined to do her job without question. When he saw her get out of that car in that breathtakingly scarce red dress, those bare legs strutting towards the bar, the low cut dip of her dress he nearly choked right there.
A part of him wanted to run over and cover her up like he would have if it had been one of his daughters but he didn't have that right when it came to her. He had no control over what she did, how she dressed and who she let into her life and it killed him.
He rubbed his eyes, it was getting late and he'd spent all day lying around like death. He used to pray for a day off like this and he'd wasted it wallowing in his own self pity. His hand cradled a warm beer, the label assassinated by his mindless picking. He brought the bottle up to his lips and cringed as the warm liquid ran down the back of his throat. He needed a cold one but the effort of getting to the fridge was too much for him.
He licked his lips and he could taste her. Those damn lips, those full breasts, that searing body on his. He wondered if she knew exactly what the hell she'd done to him. This wasn't something he could just switch off, every time he closed his eyes he was picturing her in that dress, on the floor, moaning into his mouth. His hand was still burning from running over her ass, over those barely there panties.
He heard a knock and his eyes snapped open. He stilled, unsure of what he'd heard so he waited. A few moments passed and a second knock at the door confirmed he wasn't hearing things. He didn't want to move, he wanted to lay here and think about Olivia before he came out of his intoxicated state and realised she was off limits.
"Elliot?"
That voice he'd recognise in a coma made his heart rate bolt into a frenzy. He didn't want her here, not in reality. He wanted her in his thoughts where he was safe to do as he pleased with no consequences. He wasn't getting up, the cold beer in the fridge didn't tempt him, and neither would she.
"Elliot?" Olivia repeated with a firmer knock and he gripped the massacred bottle in his hand trying to ease the tension.
What the hell did she think she was doing here anyway? Was she expecting forgiveness for shamelessly throwing herself at him so willingly last night? Did she really think he was going to let her in after she'd mind fucked the hell out of him? She could knock on his door all night, he wasn't moving.
"Elliot…" her voice dragged a little like she was getting frustrated. Well he was frustrated too, try sleeping with an unforgiving hard on after your partner practically dry humped you.
"Elliot!" She'd lost her patience.
He slammed the beer bottle on the coffee table and the warm liquid shot to the top, pouring out the side spilling onto the surface of the table. It ran between the half a dozen bottles next to it and he stood up knocking the table slightly.
His head was fuzzy, he'd been lying down so long he didn't realise how much he'd been drinking. He was wearing a white tank and sweat pants and looked around for his hoodie which he swore he left somewhere on the couch.
"Elliot, open the door!" she yelled with annoyance. She had obviously heard him moving around inside and was getting irritated at his lengthy delay.
He wanted to tell her to go away, to leave him alone and go find some other unsuspecting shmuck to torture but as she yelled through the door all he could picture was those tantalising lips.
Blaming it on his drunken state, he came to the conclusion that it was worth opening the door just to see those lips again.
"Elliot I swear to God-"
He pulled the door open to see her angry expression. Those lips stopping mid sentence. He looked at her eyes which fell momentarily taking in his attire, to his chest, his bare arms and back to his eyes.
"You swear to God…what?" he asked her slowly, holding onto the doorframe like a barrier.
"Why didn't you answer the door?" she said a little less forcibly, taken aback.
She was still in her work clothes he noted as he chewed on his lip, he couldn't believe in just a simple top and jeans he was already faltering.
He could see beneath her jacket, the light blue t-shirt hugging her breasts and he wanted to close his eyes. Forty eight hours ago he wouldn't be looking at her breasts. She was waiting for an answer, but he'd already forgotten the question.
"What do you want?" he said roughly, as if he'd lost his patience.
"I want to talk to you," she said stepping closer as if she expected him to let her enter like old times.
He couldn't let her in, he was already furious at himself for opening the door to her to begin with. If she came inside he'd spend the next painful conversation trying to keep his eyes off her body and his hands to himself.
She was looking edgy and confused as to why he wasn't stepping aside.
"Go home Olivia," he told her coarsely, masking the desperation from his voice.
"Elliot," she said as her eyebrows came together in annoyance. "You're not even going to give me a chance to fix this?"
That's when the penny dropped. He remembered just how angry he was at her. She sure as hell had something to fix, but the fact that she thought that was possible was almost laughable.
"You think you can fix this?" he said with a laugh. "You know what Olivia, do yourself a favour and don't waste your time," he told her directly shaking his head.
Her expression sunk as she took in his words. She chewed on her lip. It almost looked like she was going to cry.
"Elliot," she began her voice cracking. He watched as she looked away.
He nearly felt guilty watching her but realised she deserved every minute of this.
Her eyes came back to his.
"I'm sorry," she told him almost in a whisper.
His hand gripped the doorframe. She was trying to get out of this with two words. Two words and he would be left with a lifetime of sleepless nights. He had two paths he could take, one accept her apology or two rip it to shreds.
"For what?" his question hung between them. "For getting me suspended or fucking up our partnership?" he said bitterly. He wasn't giving her the easy way out.
He watched as her eyes flickered at his statement and he could see the anger taking over, she didn't look like she was going to break anymore. He'd pissed her off too much to be upset.
"You can save the dramatics Elliot, our partnership has survived worse than this," she said slowly. "And if you're seriously going to blame me for your suspension then that's pathetic."
He smiled at her, a victorious smile. "Pathetic? What's pathetic is you thinking we can still be partners. I'm done Olivia and you've only got yourself to blame for that." He moved to shut the door on her but she was too quick, using her body to stop him from shutting it.
"Screw you Elliot," she whispered angrily, her foot wedged between the door. He could see the emotion just marginally under the anger. She was scared.
"You're gonna throw ten years away because of a kiss," she yelled.
A kiss. He couldn't believe what he'd heard.
He released the pressure on the door and opened it a little wider causing her to steady herself from falling.
"A kiss?" Elliot repeated with disbelief. He laughed a little.
"That was a kiss, was it?" His laughter turned into a scowl.
"So on your couch when you were lying on top of me, moaning my name, rubbing your thigh against my-"
"Elliot." She looked away as if she'd just spent all night blocking it out too. She couldn't look at him, she was focusing on a small stain on the hall carpet.
"All so you could prove me wrong," he said speaking to her bowed head with disappointment. "The only thing you proved was how fucking stupid you could be," he said finishing off with a yell.
There was silence, so he took the opportunity to continue. "Ironic that you thought you were outsmarting me." He shook his head as his words faded off.
Her eyes made their way back to his. "Fine Elliot, you're right. What I did was stupid. I have no idea what I could have possibly been thinking."
He seemed a little surprised at her sudden confession. He was about to interject when she continued.
"But before you play the innocent card, lets not forget who had who pinned against the floor, against the wall in the first place."
He immediately folded his arms in front of his chest. "That was part of the test Olivia and you know it."
His defensiveness soared and he was sure she could feel his sudden discomfort at the direction she was taking this.
"Well, I wonder what Cragen would think of your little test," she said slowly.
Elliot's back straightened and he drew silent. She must have seen his weakness and latched onto it.
"I can't believe this," he said in shock. "Are you really threatening me?"
She just watched him, giving him no offer of a reply.
"It wasn't like that and you know it," he said slowly, his eyes begging her to retract her statement.
She held his gaze before continuing. "Of course not Elliot, it was completely innocent," she told him, her voice was low as she stepped towards him. "Your hands on my ass, my breasts, between my legs…"
What the hell was she implying? That he'd taken advantage of her? His eyes narrowed and his fists clenched around the doorframe, his voice became a whisper.
"Fuck you."
She had some fucking nerve threatening sexual harassment.
He just watched as she smirked at him. "Yeah," she spoke with a soft laugh. "You'd like that wouldn't you," she said with sarcasm.
His eyes widened at her blunt statement and it broke him from any grasp of control. He stepped forward grabbing the lapel of her open jacket and pulled her forward. Her hands came up to steady herself as he tugged her into the apartment. When he got her through the threshold he stopped pulling and instead pushed her into the back of the door until it slammed shut beneath their weight.
He moved in close, his chest pushed against hers confining her against the door. His lips wavered alarmingly close to hers and his eyes wandered down taking in her mouth.
"You seriously crying sexual harassment Olivia?" he asked her in a whisper.
She wasn't moving, she was perfectly still. It looked as if she wasn't even breathing. She just watched him, her eyes glued to his unwavering, seemingly unbothered by this new closer proximity.
He was bothered by it. Her scent was intoxicating, the smell of her shampoo so familiar. His palms were either side of her at shoulder height, holding himself up against the wall. The multiple beers he'd consumed tonight meant he needed that crutch.
"You kissed me," he told her trying desperately to keep the slur out of his words. His eyes dipped to her lips once more at his statement. She didn't move, didn't even adjust herself against the door and his chest.
"You touched me," he said as though he needed another example as back up. He could feel a heart beating ferociously at his chest, but couldn't figure out if it was his, or hers, or both simultaneously.
His mind was racing at how many boundaries he was crossing right now but he couldn't help it. She couldn't blame him for this so he continued.
"You want sexual harassment Olivia?" he asked her softly.
She just watched him. Her eyes almost begging him to continue.
His voice resumed. "Because I can give you sexual harassment."
Her eyes flickered at his statement. Finally a reaction, she was human after all. She narrowed her eyes at him and began to speak.
"You son of a bitch, get off me," she told him, her words dry. She spoke slowly emitting a lack of urgency. Although it was a command, her body didn't follow suit. She stood there comfortably, making no motion to push him away.
His heart was racing, what the hell was she doing? The Olivia he knew would have him on the floor by now if she were uncomfortable. Was she playing with him?
He had no choice but to take control and demand an answer. "Take it back and I will," he said as his lips slightly encroached on hers.
"Touch me Elliot," she told him and his head began to spin.
What the hell did she say? Touch her? She wanted him to touch her? He could barely breathe.
"Touch me," she repeated, "and I'll limit your chances greatly of having anymore children," she said, finishing the sentence before he could respond.
His eyebrows drew together in confusion. He shook his head at her slightly. Between the beer and her cryptic messaging he was losing it.
"You want me off you so badly Olivia, then why don't you act like it." He was almost taunting her.
Her head fell back against the door softly and he took her in. She looked tired and lazy. She was all talk, standing there practically inviting him in. She closed her eyes and like a switch was flicked somewhere it was as if she had given him a free pass to take her in without her knowing.
His eyes trailed down the softness of her neck, he'd give anything to just lean in and kiss the skin there. They slid down her body further until they hit her breasts that were crushed against his chest. She was breathing hard and with each breath he could feel her move into him. He lifted up his lowered head to find Olivia's deep brown eyes open now and staring. If he had time to blush he would have but he needed to taste those lips and she wasn't making any motions to move. He took that as an invitation.
His lips dipped forward and sought out hers.
They grazed hers just as she twisted away from him. He looked at the side of her face in bemusement. Before he had time to question her she pushed him hard in the chest. He stumbled back, his arms coming off the door and his chest releasing hers.
He wasn't sure what was happening but he was angry. Instinct took over and he grabbed her shoulders, pushing her against the door as if it were payback for pushing him. The door rattled under her pressure.
She was visibly shocked and moved into him hard and fast, trying to vent her anger by pushing him. He was ready for her this time and didn't stumble back from the force. He grabbed her upper arms and held her against the door and she struggled against him.
"What the hell are you doing?" he said in a breath, questioning her rash movements.
She didn't answer, instead she moved with fight as he held her against the door. She managed to twist to her side and without warning jammed her elbow firmly into his side.
He yelled out in pain and released her instantly. She moved quickly while he was wounded and pushed him hard into the edge of the couch. His stability was shot and he fell down like a tonne of bricks. He hit the coffee table on his pursuit of the floor and the beer bottles crashed over, rolling off and spilling onto him.
He noted quite quickly how much strength she had compared to last night. He wondered if she had been trying at all. He rolled to his side.
"Jesus Christ," he said moaning into the carpet. He felt warm beer running down his side and a deep bruise already forming on his shoulder where he'd hit the table.
She'd knocked the wind out of him.
"Get up," she said behind him, annoyance in her words. He sighed as he rolled onto his back to find her towering over her.
"Elliot, get up," she repeated sternly.
He pulled himself up letting the bottles of beer roll off him as if they weren't there.
He got to his feet and stepped towards her. He was just getting his breath back.
"So," he said almost whispering. "Finally Olivia makes an appearance."
He was shaking his head at her. "Where the hell were you last night?" he yelled out of frustration. His outburst echoing around the room.
She remained silent. She folded her arms in front of her and looked away.
He stood still, as did she. They were a couple of steps apart.
"Bet you could get to the gun now couldn't you," he said with sarcasm.
He watched her, just standing there. He was still reeling in disbelief that she so ruthlessly kicked the shit out of him. Why the hell didn't she do that last night? He had to find out.
"And you didn't even have to kiss me." He shook his head, taking a step closer.
She was eying him like he was the devil, her eyes begging him not to come any closer.
"Care to explain that?" Elliot questioned angrily. He was pissed as hell that she had it in her all along and she didn't use it.
The air between them was dry. She wasn't answering so he continued.
"Why'd you kiss me Olivia?" he asked her point blank. He needed to know.
She still wasn't responding. He didn't consider the heat in her cheeks and the searing look in her eyes, he didn't take it as her warning to back off.
"Why? When obviously you could have easily..." His words trailed off, the emotion was seeping through his anger, he was upset that she had screwed up everything for nothing.
He watched as all the seriousness she could muster gathered in her eyes.
"Tonight," she said beginning slowly, "you're drunk, and I caught you off guard." Her words caught in her throat slightly. He could tell she was nervous and uncomfortable.
"And last night," she said biting into her lip momentarily, "you were expecting that."
A few beats passed.
"I had to do the unexpected." She cleared up matter-of-factly.
"I don't believe you," he told her slowly. He was cutting her no slack.
Olivia sighed heavily. "I don't care what you believe Elliot." She looked as if she was done with this conversation and was just about ready to leave. He wouldn't let her.
He sucked in a breath debating whether or not to push the issue. The alcohol in his system spurred on his confidence.
"I think you kissed me because you wanted to," he said confidently, looking her directly in the eyes.
She bit into her lip once more and he tried to gauge her reaction. He knew it was a ballsy call to put out there but he knew he was right, whether or not she'd admit it was another thing. His heart was thumping a mile at just what her reaction would be.
"You arrogant son of a-"
He stepped forward cutting her off before she could finish. She was going with denial and he wasn't going to let her get away with it.
"It's not arrogance Olivia, you had a clean grab of that gun and you know it," he said with force. He was so close to her now and she wasn't backing away.
"I wanted to be sure," she said softly.
She had a weak case and he knew it. She'd looked directly at the damn gun as he lay there on the couch, powerless to stop her after she pushed him onto his back.
"Admit it Olivia." He attempted to close the distance between them, careful not to touch her. Finally she took a step back and he watched her, anxiety in her eyes. It wasn't like her to back away. He stepped forward once more and she tried to back up only this time her body came into contact with the kitchen counter.
Elliot used this to his advantage, getting as close as physically possible without actually touching her. The rise and fall of their chests were dangerously close. He was completely disregarding her will for personal space.
"I'm leaving." Her voice was controlled but he could see the hesitation in her eyes.
"Fine," he said with acceptance. "Right after you admit it." He made no movements.
She was losing patience. He could see her jaw clenching with frustration. She exhaled with effort.
A few beats passed and he changed gears.
"Just tell me Liv," he said softly dropping his cocky attitude for the moment. "Please I need to know." He was getting desperate and needed an answer. His eyes searched hers for some semblance of empathy.
She watched him and just shook her head. She wasn't going to give him anything he soon realised. His face filled with defeat before she slid out from his capture and headed for the door. Just as she reached the door he called out to her.
"So that's it?" he asked as a last resort.
Her hand stilled on the doorknob.
He was silently begging her to give him something before she left. Anything.
She let her head fall forward against the closed door, he was apprehensive and wasn't sure whether or not to go over to her or to remain where he was. Fear meant he went for the latter.
"Elliot," she said, his name muffled by the wood of the door.
He wasn't sure if he should answer, or if his name was even a question.
"Do you still want to be my partner?" she said softly.
Despite her words being muffled he could still hear the fear within them.
He couldn't look at her as just his partner anymore, not after he'd felt her against him.
He also couldn't imagine working without her, not being there to protect her everyday. He didn't want anyone else having his back but her.
He gave into defeat.
"Yes," he said finally and knew he'd just confirmed the future for them.
She was still against the door but somehow she managed to lift her head off. She turned the knob and spoke softly.
"Then that's it," she said quietly, shutting the door behind her.
TBC
