Its bullshit. When I returned home from the hospital, I thought it would be better, but, no. It was worse. Much worse. The nightmares got worse; the pain that Brian had caused was more immanent. My own mother told him never to see me again. Was I angry? Fuck yes. Finally, she let me go to his loft, and I was happier, and convinced, yet again, that he did love me. When I saw that scarf, I tried my hardest not to break down and cry. He must have loved me! It's just that... it's just that he will never tell me.

I don't love him... I can't love him.... I don't love ANYONE. But... why did I war that scarf, why did I let him sleep in my bed after prom, why did I comfort him when he woke up in a cold sweat after those nightmares? I'll tell you why... it's because I love him. But I'm never going to have the balls to tell him.

If he loved me, then why isn't he doing anything for my birthday? He could, at least take me out for lunch, or come with me and Lindsay and Mel. But no, he is staying home, working. Yet again, I don't think he loves me, I just wish he could make up his mind, instead of giving me false hope. One minute I'm sure he loves me, the next, I am convinced he doesn't.

Birthdays. I never knew why people celebrated them. When I grew up, my birthdays were full of pain, so I learned to forget about them. I mean, it's just getting older! Why celebrate something like that! Its suicide! But then Lindsay had to tell me that it was "obvious" I loved him, and that I should be celebrating the fact that he is alive. She has a point. A few months ago he was fighting for his life in hospital... I'll get him something he will enjoy.

He was playing the violin. He was fabulous. I went home, thinking about his music, it was brilliant. Then Brian told me he has something for me. I was so excited. But then I saw what it was. He got me a fucking hustler.

A hustler... brilliant if I do say so myself. I needed something to distract him and myself from that awful violin music he had playing. When I told him I had something for him, he was so excited. He saw the hustler, and wasn't as happy as I had anticipated. Had I screwed up again? I think not! How can you not like that present? Jeeze... he is pretty ungrateful... though I will admit it...I probably could have got him something a little more... uh... RIDICULOSLY romantic.