Hello there, I have finally something to offer to you! What inspired me were the reality and the fact that there are many types of happy endings. You fight, you laugh, you lose and you gain happiness. I wanted to focus on the feelings, how everything goes wrong before it can go right and then the "right" is not necessarily a princess and half of the kingdom. This story is a road and I want you to travel it with Sasuke and Naruto.
Please do not flame (I do not find a reason for it so you better not either). I apologize for the possible misspellings and other errors.
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Pairing: Sasuke x Naruto / Naruto x Sasuke
Summary: Friends forever is an equation that fails when sex enters the picture. It kills you to know that love does not drive this life forward and what you want is not the same thing he wants. Maybe everything will be okay, if one just tries enough? SasuNaru.
Disclaimer: I have no rights over the characters or whatsoever (do not sue me Mr. Kishimoto), I am just loaning them and returning to the rightful owner (Mr. Kishimoto).
Of course I do not tell him that I find sex personal and with him it is always personal, in a way…or something. I want to feel Naruto completely, since this is not just a one night stand - we have been doing this for God knows how long and we are still like strangers in bed. I am not saying I am in love, dear God, I hope this will never be love, since I am not strong enough to carry it. I merely want to be more important than some random person who comes and goes so fast that it is hard to keep track of those little things like names and such...
He does not know, but I do not like to sleep around. It is far more satisfying finding someone who shares something with you and that someone gives a whole new purpose for everything be it sex or something else. I know I am not made to be a fuck buddy, but things just took that turn without asking me first. Then in the end, I was fucking with my best friend, since according to him, it was better than to wank alone to shady porn movies. It would have been easier to stay as "normal" friends, although this should not complicate things according to Naruto - again. I cannot help but feel attachment and it pisses me off. Like now, he is standing before me as if I am the one acting weird.
I am out of here, I groan and gather my clothes with shaky hands. Wait, do not take it that way, he shouts back and gets up fast to stop me. Naruto's warm hand rests on my shoulder and I just want to hurt him so bad. Okay, I am sorry, I just want to be sure, you know, he tries to laugh a little. When you get a girlfriend you know why this matters, he says sheepishly. That does it. I tear myself from his grasp, shove my middle finger against his face and get out of the door. Why the fuck are you mad, he yells and runs after me in to the hallway of the apartment building.
Put some clothes on, I tell him tiredly and make him curse the world and my unfairness. Naruto asks hastily me to wait while he leaves to get some fabric around his naked form. That red minute is enough time for me to escape and do the opposite of what he asked. I walk on the dark streets while a light snow storm plays with my hair. My phone rings but I ignore it, since I already know that it is him. Damn, the sky is so beautiful with stars twinkling like a sea of diamonds. I would be so rich if it was possible to gather them all.
A text message wakes me up from my reverie and I read it unreluctantly. It is from Naruto, no shit, and it says that he still has a boner and I am a total retard blaah blaah. Yeah right, I think to myself and put my phone back to my pocket. I decide to do what I always did back when I was a kid - I lay myself on my back on the snowy ground and just watch stars. I breathe through my mouth so that the moisture in the air turns into steam. My trousers are wet already and the back of my jacket feels utterly cold, but I just keep still, devouring the dazzling night sky. Would it not be amazing to fall asleep now and never wake up? When I die I want to die under the stars; a faster route to whatever lies behind the Milky Way.
After some time I have to get up or else I will get flu. My gloves are soaked and I put my hands in my armpits to keep them warm. It does not help that much, but it is better than nothing. When I get home I strip naked right away to get away from the wet garments. I stand in my birth suite before the mirror and watch myself through it. My skin is almost hollow and pale blue; the coldness eats my bones yet still. Why is it that I am skinny without muscles, without anything that would make me stand out from everybody else? Why cannot I look more like Naruto? Tanned skin, trained body and energy that sweeps your feet from under you. Why would anyone want me?
I trace my own skin with my fingers, the bumps and nooks on my arms, stomach and chest. I am pathetic. More so now that I have realized that there is something profoundly wrong with me. I step into the warm shower and let the water rinse the coldness and awaiting death away. I keep my eyes closed while taking support from the ugly ceramic tile wall. The sex, the things we do…does not make Naruto gay. It should have not changed anything but it did. Or maybe I was that way already? Maybe I liked men even before this but only realized it through these series of questionable deeds.
Gay, I taste the word in my mouth. I shiver from the mere thought. It would mean that the reality which lives in my and Naruto's bedroom would come to life in the harsh world without windows, doors and curtains as cover. Homo, does not taste good either. I have had sex with my best friend who is male, so how would sex with other guys be any different? Theoretically speaking it would not. But then there is the fact that I know Naruto and he knows me, it is somewhat familiar and safe. Could I do it with someone else? Why do I do it with Naruto? The complicated thoughts suck me dry and with wobbly feet I step out of the shower. I fetch my towel, dry my hair first and then get my boxers on.
I get my guitar, take it on my lap and let my fingers feel their way up the neck. I hymn silently The Fray song "Early morning/ The city breaks/ I've been calling/ For years and years and years and years/ And you never left me no messages/ You never send me no letters/ You got some kind of nerve/ Taking all our world…Lost and insecure/ You found me, you found me/ Lying on the floor/ Where were you? Where were you?/ Lost and insecure/ You found me, you found me/ Lying on the floor/ Surrounded, surrounded…"
A few tears roll down my cheeks as I understand the fact that if I make the choice, I have to bear the consequences. The possible consequences that my band mates would abandon me and of course Naruto…as crazy as it may sound, he might fuck a guy but still consider himself the ultimate hetero and ladies' man. It makes me laugh a little as I try to understand his logic and the equations fail every time. I put the guitar down - this is the first time in ages that playing makes me sadder than I already am.
I get off the bed and go back to the mirror. The reflection it gives has not changed nor improved. I keep thinking that I am in a square room that is spinning around so fast that the corners are getting rounder and rounder. Is the room square anymore or is it round now? What if the spinning just eats some of the corners and I am sealed in a triangular? I form a triangular with my thumbs and forefingers and eye myself through it. Is that Sasuke who is watching me back? Or is it merely a shadow of Naruto, too attached to the original so that it can never live a life on its own? Where is me?
I get myself scissors and bring them close to my face. Snip, snap, my long black hair falls down, sits on my shoulder until it meets the floor face down. My hair is unruly and rugged, but now I am much more like the person I used to be. The jet black spikes decorate my face and playfully stick to every direction possible. I remove the metal from my face, first the massive number of earrings and then the ones in my eyebrows. The only one I keep is the silver ring which pierces my bottom lip. No make-up, no nothing. I look all different now, a perfect start for a new life, a perfect opportunity to tell Naruto what I have decided. If only I had the right words to express it.
Thoughts? Comments?
