Chapter 1: The Esper-Eidolon-Summon… Whatever!
Disclaimer:
I don't own Final Fantasy or it's characters, not matter how many wishes I make. I know, I lead a sad existence.
Clank clank clank clank clank.
Echoes of these metallic footsteps rang through the snowy road to Narshe. They were some kind of robot thing that I've heard are called Magitek Armour. Yeah, I use British English, you got a problem with that? Anyway, the pilots of said suits Magitek Armour were two presumable twin soldiers, Wiggs and Bedge (Or was it Biggs and Wedge?), and a random green haired girl whose clothes were nowhere near enough to suppress the cold wintery air of Narshe. Yeah, I don't see the logic in this too, guys.
"AAAAAAAAAAAGH! HOW LONG IS THIS BLASTED MISSION GOING TO TAKE?!" One of the twins was yelling at the top of his lungs. "I wanna go back to the Vector! I'm gonna miss my show!" he added, frustrated. The other soldier hit his fist on his Magitek Armour in annoyance. "Will you shut your freaking trap up!?" he yelled back as he reached over to hit his twin. "Wedge, do you know what will happen if you scream that loudly on a snowy mountain?" Biggs asked in a rather condescending tone. Wedge wasn't listening anymore. "Let's get this over with," he sighed. "Well, I'm glad you two crybabies are done arguing, but we need to get a move on. Or do you want me to burn you?" A dark voice came from behind them, making them both jump. "Yeah, yeah, we know that. Geez, chick's got issues," Biggs added in a whisper to Wedge. "I want to get this over with quickly too. I really need a bathroom! I drank too much soda, I'm sorry!" Biggs was already making his suit of armour run towards Narshe as fast as he could. The girl was irritated. "There's always a need for a bathroom…" "Cause, y'know, in the bathroom!" Wedge added as they rushed to catch up to Biggs.
Once the other two had caught at to him, Biggs steered his mech towards Wedge and asked: "Hey, are you aware of what happened when Kefka let her drink soda?" as he was curious whether or not if Wedge remembered. "Oh, yeah, that…" Wedge replied with a horrified look on his face.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I AM THE GODDESS OF HELLFIRE! FEAR ME OR FACE THE WRATH OF MY STAR SEARING FLAMES OF ABSOLUTION! NONE SHALL CROSS ME! I AM THE INCARNATE OF DESTRUCTION AND REBIRTH! FEAR ME, PHEASANTS!" The sound of maniacal yelling filled the air of the training compound. Green hair was burning everything to a crisp, while a wacky looking jester was crying tears of joy in a corner. "Sniff. They grow up so fast,"
Wedge punched Biggs in the arm. "I thought we agreed NOT to talk about that. You know how much that affects me mentally!" he scolded his brother as Biggs was crying ice cubes out of laughter. "Alright, alright. I was just asking to make time fly, don't be mad at me," he knew apologizing to his brother was hard, but it was an attempt. "Anyway, look! We're finally here!" he suddenly exclaimed. "Wuzzat? Oh, I didn't notice. I was too busy reminiscing," he shot a very unamused glare at his brother "...about that wonderful day! Yeah! That wonderful day, right, bro?" he frantically added as he saw that the girl was already unimpressed by her coworkers. "Alright then. The Narsheans are going to defend the objective if they're smart enough. They should pop out right about… now!" Exactly on cue, a few Narshean guards came up to attack them. They were weak. Their attacks could not penetrate the Magitek Armour. Our gang fought their way deep into the city until they found a mine. On the way down, Biggs stopped for a potty break, but was that really notable? What is notable is the fact that Biggs had already tried to go 5 times but he could not remember that he was in a suit of armour. Thus resulted in a lot of broken outhouses! "I really need to remember that these exist..." Biggs sighed. "Hoo boy, that was one sweet welcoming party!" Wedge was ecstatic. He always loved a good beatdown.
The mines seemed welcoming enough. Dark, cavey, wet from melted ice, you know the drill. Their destination was the end of the mines. "Alright, bring out the heavy artillery," "Ymir, here boy," The gang heard voices from the other side of a wooden barricade. Biggs was going to break it down when...
"OH, OF COURSE WE HAVE TO FIGHT A BOSS HERE! WHAT ELSE DID I EXPECT?!" Biggs was the one yelling this time. "Well, you're forgetting one small detail: IT'S A FREAKING SEA SNAIL!" Scratch that, Wedge was also yelling. The girl was already firing missiles at said snail. "This is incompetence I get the pleasure to work with? I can tell this is going to be a long battle…" she mused to herself before calling out to the other two. "Oi, losers! If you're done screaming like little girls, come over here and help me!" She was needing a heal after getting hit with the snail's Gigavolt. "Huh, I think I've seen this snail before. Yeah, you! Greeny! Don't hit it's shell! Unless you want to get fried, which I have no objections to," Wedge added cheekily before firing a fire (Hurr hurr hurr) laser at Ymir. After a long battle, they finally came out on top.
After a short trek, they came upon an espersicle. "Oh, is this what the emperor wanted? Seems underwhelming to me…" Wedge said with a tone of disappointment in his voice. "Hold it. That there's a powerful being, brimming with magic we better-" He was cut off by the popsicle that was sitting in front of them. It started to glow! "Oh, ye who bear my friends blood. Huh? Oh, there are others here too? Well, I'll just say it anyway. Hi, name's Tritoch. Or was it Valigarmanda? Oh, man, a few hundred years of being a popsicle does stuff to your memory! Nevertheless! I am an Esper! Or am I an Eidolon…? Being a popsicle sucks. I can't remember anything!" There was a voice talking, but at the same time, there wasn't anyone talking. "Who's talking?! Show yourself! I'm armed and dangerous!" Biggs and Wedge were in unison on this exclamation. "Well, now that you know what I am, I guess I'll have to dispose of you…" Tritoch said as he sent a bolt of lightning towards Biggs. "B-B-B-B-Biggs? Where did you go? Bro?! This isn't funny!" Wedge was starting to have a panic attack. Although he argued with his brother a lot, he couldn't live without him. "Meh, don't worry about it. He just got transported to another dimension that's all," Valigarmanda said calmly as he fired a bolt at Wedge. "Cr-" was all he managed before being sent to another world.
"Did you just get rid of them?" Greeny asked the popsicle. "Yes… Yesyesyesyeyesyesyesyes! YES! Thank you thank you thank you! Those guys were driving me nuts! By the way, where did you send them?"
In the Dwarven Castle…
"Lali-Ho, stranger! What brings you down here?" a dwarf was leaning over Biggs when he came to.
"Where…? Oh, crap! This is my worst nightmare! Being surrounded by uncultured swans!"
Meanwhile, in Balamb Gardens…
"Is this a new student?"
"Doesn't seem so, his outfit is too out there…"
Wedge woke up on a bed, ignoring everything the two voices were saying.
"Say, Quistis, do you think we could train him. To become a SeeD?"
"That's a wonderful idea, Selphie! I'll go tell Headmaster Cid,"
Hearing the words "Train" and "Headmaster", Wedge jumped out of bed and ran out of the room, not knowing that the Gardens were huge. "I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOOOOOOOOOOL!"
"...What's with that guy?"
"I'm surprised you don't actually care for them… Oh, I see. You have a slave crown. How I know what that is is beyond me. Ask ParadigmRiki, he's the one writing this," Tritoch was conversing with Greeny and breaking the fourth wall, too! The nerve... Greeny had no reply to this, as she had no idea what this crazy bird was talking about. "Here, let me help release their control of you…"
ZAP!
And then Greeny collapsed with the crown lying nearby.
A/N: So, how did y'all like the first chapter of my abridged series? I made sure to add in lots of yelling, as well as cameos and references! Anyway, this is only my first story, so don't expect it to be good. This chapter is what I'll my basing my on, so any and all feedback is welcome! If you liked this chapter, remember to follow and fave it so you're always up to date with my updates! I will see y'all next chapter where we introduce our hero, Key! Or was it Locke...? Hmm... I seem to be very bad at names today. Ah well, see you guys THEN! ParadigmRiki, signing off!
