AN: please do not kill me. I ask in advance for your forgiveness.


Up at night I'm awake 'cause it haunts me
That I never got to say what I wanted
I'm not the same as I was with you

.
now I just wanna know are you?
I'm fine
Drop tears in the morning
Give in to the lonely
Here it comes with no warning
Capsize, I'm first in the water
Too close to the bottom
I'm right back where I started
Said I'm fine

-Capsize by Frenship


"I think he's going to make a move soon." Mila said looking at the computer screen before her. She had spent the last couple of hours begrudgingly helping the Avenger's run scans on the dark web to track the whereabouts of a man she wanted nothing to do with, not even his murder. While Brock Rumlow (or Crossbones as he was now going by) deserved any cruel thing fate could give him for what he did to Mila, she had enough time to cope and knew murdering him would be a mercy for his crimes. Mila absently rubbed the white scars that ran around both wrists as she sat there thinking of him.

"How soon?" Her friend from the war, Steve Rogers, asked. Steve kneeled down beside her trying to decipher the messages on the screen. Steve was fairly comfortable with the internet, but the dark web stuff; he was in over his head. He was glad to have Mila there to help him.

"I'm not quite sure. It looks like he has a few job offers from some pretty rough people. I think that he's getting restless. Looks like he has posted at least four different job offers. I have been running an algorithm to hack into his inboxes and try to track where he is posting this stuff from."

"Any luck with that?" He shifted his weight and put his elbows up on the computer desk in her room.

"I'm getting just a general location. Somewhere on the Western coast of Africa. I would need to keep running the code breaker, but by the time I get a hit he could have moved again. He must of spent the money he got off selling me buying some good ass tech." Mila ground her jaw a bit at the fact. Rumlow had managed to capture her and sell her to the highest bidder, but not before taking out his revenge on her by scaring her body and shattering a relationship. Well that second part was on her for keeping the truth hidden from her fiancé for so long.

"Well I appreciate everything you are doing. I know it's not easy for you to do this." Steve reached out to grab her fidgeting hands. He knew the details of what Rumlow had done to her, he had heard it all when Mila was on trial for everything she did while under the control of HYDRA working as the Red Sentinel. She was able to get out clear for two main reasons; her job was to hunt the Winter Solider and when she had finally been free of their mind control she didn't stir up trouble in any slight. That meant though she had to reveal to the courts what had happened while she was free and hiding from the law.

"If it helps you bring him down, I'm in. But I won't be there when it comes time to strike the blows." Mila and Steve already had numerous arguments concerning the subject of Rumlow. Mila didn't want her friends to get hurt trying to get revenge for her. Steve didn't care, he was hardly innocent and needed to be brought to court and giving him a few beatings before he got there wouldn't hurt. Mila told Steve after a few cool down sessions in the gym over the past month that it didn't matter what they did to Rumlow, his damage on Mila was done and over with.

"I know," he squeezed her hand for comfort. "and after we get him we can focus on finding Bucky." Mila's heart skipped a beat at the mention of his name. Bucky was, as cliché as it sounded, her true love. They met back in the war when she went as Betty. When they were both in the army and then the Howling Commandos. They both got swept up in HYDRA and Red Room plots to change the world. Both had been brainwashed but with very different techniques. Bucky was conditioned, but Mila been surgically changed to comply. The device, still in her head today, had controlled every chemical aspect of her brain and made her compliant without doubt. A statement they put to the test when she was ordered to kill her own three-year old nephew. She didn't hesitate to pull the trigger. It was after that, that Betty had also died and she went by the Red Sentinel. After multiple missions of making sure the Winter Solider completed his own missions and hunting down if he broke programming, she got caught up with an old friend who helped free her because she owed her a debt. Natasha made sure to help Mila get back to normal and five years after the Black Widow she trained helped free her she ran into the Winter Solider, her Bucky again in a museum she worked at. From there it was roller coaster to say the least to help each other get back to the relationship they had.

Until Rumlow got between them capturing them both and telling the ignorant Bucky that the person he hated most, the one who always brought him back to HYDRA, the Red Sentinel, was Mila. Rumlow easily turned Bucky against her and left her behind. Mila had been tortured, beaten, and raped by Rumlow before he sold her to Von Struker. Again, she was able to find a way to get back to Bucky and had been up til six months ago been living with Bucky in his apartment in Romania while they tried to make things work better. No more secrets and actually being open with each other. They had been working so well together and enjoying a normal life until Mila went back to New York to visit Bucky's sister in the nursing home. It was there that she had been arrested and put on trial before the World Court and then drug around to five other countries for a trial. Mila was sentenced to probation and to live with the Avenger's in their compound as Steve was a friend the courts could trust her to be with.

"Steve, what happens if we don't find him?" More so, Mila was worried that Bucky wouldn't honor the promise she left with his shop manager back in Romania.

"We will and then I swear I am going to round up a pastor and get you two married. I won't let you miss another chance for you two to be happy." Steve ruffled her now shorter curlier hair. It was styled much like she had back in the 40's per Natasha's suggestion.

She swatted his hand away causing Steve to chuckle. "Would you stop it punk." Steve pulled his hand back and rested his chin on his hand on the table.

"If this is too much for you Bett- Mila," He pressed his lips into a hard line at his mistake. Sometimes it was so easy for him to forget this woman wasn't the same girl he became friends with during the war. "sorry. If all this work is too much too soon just say something. I know you just got here-"

"Steve." Her frim pronunciation stopped him. "It's not the work that is bothering me. I rather enjoy all the busy work. Keeps me distracted and I get to use all those skills HYDRA and the Red Room taught me for good." She stopped appreciating for a moment the irony of her statement. HYDRA and the Red Room used her to crack into computers and other databases throughout the years as the second part to most the Winter Soldier's missions. Her enhanced memory allowed her to complete many reconnaissance missions to perfection.

"But?"

"But I miss him."

"I do too Mila." He pulled her in for a comforting hug and she rested her head on his shoulder.

"I just thought, throughout that whole shit show with the World Court, maybe Bucky would see it and he would turn himself in. But I guess he is a little more realistic. He knows he wouldn't have the same great results as me."

"You know two years of strict probation and house arrest at the compound is a lot better than being held up in a maximum security international prison."

"Yeah which is exactly where Buck would end up." Mila said pulling away from Steve.

"Well I'm sure between Stark Industries and the Avengers, we could pull something off and get him a similar sent-"

"NO!" Mila pushed her swivel chair away from the desk and stood. Steve rose to stand preparing, if need be, to take another beating from the woman in front of him. While she didn't look it with her smaller frame she could really pack a punch when her temper flew. Which as of the past month living here, was often. "Steve get it through your head! I am not taking advantage of Tony anymore. He may be your friend but he's not mine."

"Howard was." Steve put simply and crossed his arms thinking he won. Mila glared daggers at him causing him to drop his arms and drop his head down in defeat as he realized his mistake. "I'm sorry."

"Does he know?" Mila asked collecting her obnoxiously huge fountain drink that Sam picked up for her on the drive up here this morning. Mila had become addicted to them, something about all the caffeine made her focus more.

"No. I haven't told him. If I did…" Steve trailed off.

"He would kick me out of the compound and I would be thrown in jail." Mila forced a fake smile. "See Steve this is why Bucky and I were hiding from you. You think everyone is as forgiving as you but those were his parents, Steve. He won't exactly welcome us with warm arms into the Avengers like you want." Steve ran a frustrated hand through his hair and then threw it back down to his side.

"What do you want me to do Mila? I just want to protect you guys. You're my friends. If we have to go haul up and live in Brooklyn in then so be it."

"And what about the Avenger's? Captain America just goes off and retires when the world needs him, so he can live with his friends in solitude?" Steve 's eyebrows perked up at the line.

"Well, I'm 98 years old. I think I qualify to retire." He gave a small smile and Mila sighed. This man knew her better than anyone beside Bucky. The pair of them were both plenty old and should be in a nursing home by now. The thought only brought her back to the fact that just two weeks ago she lost her good friend and Bucky's sister, Rebecca to lung failure and old age.

"I'm going to have a therapy session." She stated pulling her phone out of the pockets of her jeans.

"Do you need a lighter or one of my heavy bags for that?" Steve asked as her phone dinged with a new message alert. It was no secret that she would sneak out on top of the roof in the middle of the night and burn through half a pack of cigarettes when her night terrors were too much.

"Neither." She typed furiously on her phone. "I'm going to go kick Sam's ass around for a few hours." She spoke over her shoulder as she moved to her dresser and pulled out more comfortable and active clothes to wear. Steve rolled his eyes.

"That's not a fair fight." Steve said with a shake of his head. Mila shrugged her shoulders and threw her phone on her bed.

"He asked for it, so I am here to oblige." As she said it she pulled her shirt over her head and threw it on the floor revealing only her sports bra underneath and a map of scars on her skin. She could feel the embarrassment rolling of off Steve.

"Jesus Mila." Mila snickered and began to pull her jeans off too. She had to poke fun where she could. "Ok I'm gone. Bye." He walked out and closed the door behind him and leaned against the door with his eyes closed. He could see why Bucky had fallen for this dame so long ago. She was fearless, bold, exciting, and would embarrass Steve any time an opportunity popped up. He sighed wishing for nothing more right now than to have his two good friends back.

%%%%

"I don't know if I should be embarrassed for you or just ashamed." Mila said pinning Sam down on the mat with his arms above his head and straddling his waist.

"Well you do have an unfair advantage." Sam quipped tapping the back of his hands against the mat. Mila released her hold.

"The bad guys will most of the time. You have to be ready." Mila stated walking across the practice mats to grab her big cup of Mountain Dew.

"I know, good thing I have one of the best of the baddest guys training me." Sam said walking up behind her patting her on the shoulder. She glared at him out of the corner of her eye and put her drink down.

"The best of the baddest guys?" One of the things she enjoyed about being around Sam is he didn't tiptoe around her past like Steve. Steve acted like she was a timebomb if he made too many references to the past she would explode and do something dangerous. His method of dealing with her emotional luggage was ignoring the past long enough so she would magically go back to being the friend he knew. Sam, had years of training as volunteer at the VA dealing with people much like Mila. They also met at a meeting for PTSD Vets and she was open from the get go about being broken with Sam. With Steve it was like she had to be strong.

"Yeah. Right next to that friend of yours, the Spring Chicken right?" Mila shoved Sam as he laughed. "Sorry I'm so bad with names."

"I'm sure bird brain." She stated bending over to grab some tape from the ground nearby to wrap her hands.

"Dude still owes me a new car." Mila paused.

"Can't remember his name but you remember that?" Her tone was full of disbelief. "Geesh." She wrapped her hands and moved over to the heavy bags on the other side of the gym.

"I remember the important stuff," He snaked his hands around her waist resting his chin on her shoulder. She hummed at his action. "like this." He whispered before moving his hands up and started rubbing her shoulders with his thumbs working her muscles like magic. She bit her lip and quickly spun around in his hold putting her hands on his shoulders.

"You know the rules." Mila said pushing him away. He put his hands up in defense knowing she was right.

"My bad. Let's go hit the bag, then we can hit the sack." He said with a wink. Mila pushed him in the shoulder urging him to get started on the first part.

"Your going to get us caught and Steve will never let me hear the end of that."

"I think I'll get the worst of it. Stealing his best friend's girl?" Sam said standing in front of the bag.

"Stealing implies something romantic, something serious. This is anything but that." She sized up the bag and delivered a few high kicks to the bag making it swing. Sam stepped away putting a safe distance between the woman and himself.

"As long as you still let me come over to play Call of Duty, I'm fine with whatever you call this." When Mila took a moment to catch her breath Sam grabbed the bag and poked his head around one side. "But I'm not thinking all those bonus features are why you wanted me down here. So what's bugging you?" Rather than answering him Mila took to punching the bag in a series of jabs and uppercuts causing Sam to feel some of her blows through the bag. He let go and again stepped away.

"I am pissed," She landed a hard blow on the bag causing it to swing away from her. "about this whole Rumlow thing and pissed," another blow as it swung back her way. "about my probation leaving me stuck here. And pissed," another hit to the bag. "I can't go back to find Bucky. And pissed" another solid blow. "Steve thinks everything is a simple fix. And I can't do anything about any of it!" Her last hit made the bag fly off the mount and Sam had a mixed expression of impressed and afraid on his face.

"Let's go back to your room and talk. Go take a shower, get comfortable, and I'll bring the snack wagon over in thirty got it?" Mila saluted him and silently left. Sam smiled watching her leave before headed to the showers located in the gym. He made use of the locker room down here not wanting to walk down the halls of the compound all sweaty. He knew Mila preferred to be vulnerable in a more private place. He dried off and changed into a pair of clothes he could relax in. As he was on his way out smelling fresh and dressed in sweats Steve was just walking in to start training more with Wanda and her abilities. Even though his TV had well over 500 channels, watching Wanda drop Steve on his face or throw him into a wall was no doubt the most entertaining thing to watch in this compound.

"What's up man?" Sam asked holding his hand out for a high five. Steve gave him a high five but held his hand pulling him close to clap him on the back.

"Not much. Mila come blow off some steam?" Steve asked moving past Sam to reach his locker and change.

"Some. We're going to blow off more in her room." Steve paused and looked at his newest friend knowing damn well there was a double meaning to that phrase. That was on he heard back in his day. Sam rolled his eyes. "Not like that. You are such a dirty old man." Sam said punching Steve in the arm. Steve relaxed and shook his head.

"Yeah no. I just-"

"C'mon man. You know me better than that."

"I know. Sorry I didn't mean to imply you two were… fonduing." Sam rolled his eyes. Steve could still be so damn clueless.

%%%%%

When Sam came into Mila's room he dumped a bagful of chocolate bars, snack cakes, and any other unhealthy foods he could fit in the bag from the kitchen onto her bed. She smiled and dug into the stash.

"Thank you!" She said popping open a box of mike and ikes.

"Not a problem, so do you want to start with the talking or with the fun parts?" He wiggled his eyebrows and Mila threw a package of M and M's at him. He caught the package wondering how this answered his question.

"Fun." She said patting the spot on her bed beside her. Sam smirked and Mila took her shirt off wearing another sports bra and laid on her stomach. Sam crawled over the candy and made his way to straddle her and began rubbing her back starting at her shoulders and working his way down. Mila closed her eyes moaned as the man worked his magic. She wasn't sure how he got mixed in the armed forces when this was his true talent. Mila and Sam had an agreement that their friendship stayed intact, these massages and all their cuddling was not romantic. It was a way Sam helped Mila relax just enough to catch some sleep. Sam knew Mila had yet to sleep through the night while being here at the compound. That's why she was smoking on the rooftop, spending the nights running laps in the gym, or staying on the computer scanning as many websites as she could for traces of where to find Rumlow.

Steve was nearly blind to the signs of depression and anxiety she had. Her self-destructive behaviors probably webt unnoticed because Steve could be just as reckless. He also had only ever caught her a handful of times smoking on the roof. It made sense since his room was just under where Mila usually ended up pacing. In Steve's defense, Mila was very good at hiding how she was feeling. But Sam, he noticed the signs. They started out really small at first. Sam would hear when her door creaked open at various times in the evening because his room shared a wall with hers. He would also hear the shower running in the late evening and hear her crying. Sam knew better than to beat around the bush with her. Many talks at the VA had shown she would be open about things if you asked her directly. Something he was planning to put to the test.

"What's this one from?" He asked taking a moment to stop rubbing her back and tracing a finger on a scar that ran down her left side and wrapped around her hip. Every time they did this he asked about a new scar. It was a way for her to open up little by little.

"The backwards 'J'?"

"Yeah." Sam confirmed before he started rubbing her back again.

"November, 1963. Dallas Texas." She spoke slowly loving how relaxed she felt.

"Why does that sound familiar?"

"I got it running out of a warehouse after a sniper mission. I heard someone coming so I ducked against the wall not seeing the piece of metal sticking out of the wall. The police still think it was just me that did it."

"Did what?"

"Assassinated President Kennedy." Sam stopped rubbing.

"Wait, you shot JFK? I don't remember that coming up in your trial."

"They didn't ask. But I was more a distraction so that someone else could get a better kill shot."

"By someone you mean the Winter Soldier right?"

"Yeah. That grassy knoll theory… it's right." Mila said very aware how people were still trying to figure things out years after that mission.

"I don't believe this."

"Believe it Sam." She remarked turning her head just enough so Sam could see her smile.

"Well, if you are in the habit of assassinating president may I-"

"Sam!" He rubbed her shoulders harder hoping it would convince her.

"Just a suggestion."

"You know I don't do that anymore."

"But if you had to just one more time…" Mila rolled over causing Sam to be knocked off the bed as he was not expecting such a quick attack. He started laughing from his spot on the floor and Mila leaned over to look at the crazy friend of hers.

"I will get payback." He threatened.

"How? I beat you in every fight." She retorted. Sam shrugged his shoulders already having a plot in mind, but not wanting to give it away. He stood and Mila laid back down for Sam to continue his work. As he did so, his hands moved very slowly down from her back to her sides and began to tickle her making her squeal. "Sam! Stop it!" She pleaded through her laughter. He obeyed but only because he knew the woman would kick his ass later if he didn't. "Jerk move. Such an unfair advantage." She mumbled into the pillow.

" hey you have to be ready. Most of the time the bad guys will have that." He said quoting her earlier training lesson.

"Ha. Ha." She faked as she tried to relax. Sam moved back up to massage her neck making her hiss.

"Sorry my bad. I forgot."

"It's ok, but damn remember I got a heavy piece of equipment back there." She spoke of the device in her head like it was no big deal. Like she hadn't had a scar on her head reopened four times to mess with the device and reprogram her.

"I know. I'm sorry." He moved back to her shoulders and tried to avoid any part of her neck. He went on for ten minutes starting to work up a sweat again before hearing anything from her.

"Mmmm Buck." She whispered as she nodded off. Sam chuckled finding it funny she was thinking about him while Sam was the one actually rubbing her down. He knew this was just a way to help her relax and nothing romantic. They had made it very clear. Once he was satisfied with his work, knowing she was asleep he got up slowly. He picked up the candy and figured she would nap for about an hour before he could come back. In the meantime he would run into town and go grab them some fast food for lunch. He opened the door and as he did Steve was standing just outside ready to knock. Steve was only slightly surprised to see Sam there, but when he saw he was sweaty his brow rose with a question clear on his face. When Steve looked around Sam and saw Mila's half naked form on her bad asleep he began to freak out.

"Dude it's not what you are thinking." Sam whispered being mindful of the sleeping ex-assassin behind him. Steve's face was a mix of emotions but rage was clearly one of them. He had only seen something similar when the Captain was telling Fury he wasn't going to save any of the Helicarriers. He crossed his arms which only made him look more intimidating.

"You got 60 seconds."


AN: so uh leave me a review with your reactions. I assume they are similar to Steve's