Grog, pirates and a lot of trouble!
"Why Cobalia?" Ratchet thought as he and Clank were flying trough space. It just did not make sense. And besides that why did there stand 'the last Lombax'? So many questions and so few answers. "Ratchet?" asked Clank worried. "Huh what?! Oh it's you Clank. Sorry I was thinking about something." "I respect once choice of free speech, thinking and so forth I would not mind should you pay attention to the road!" said the robot to his friend as Ratchet noticed they had been drifting of into an asteroid field. Aphelion did her best to try and avoid as many rocks as she could, but even with the Lombax steering it was to no avail. Several huge asteroids bumped into the front of Aphelion scraping of the paint and dented her beyond believe. "I do not know for how long I can hold this up!" Aphelion said towards her passengers. "Prepare to set course to the planet!" Clank let out an 'Oh my' as he noticed which planet they were about to enter. "Ratchet I do think you should…" "Not NOW Clank." As the small ball of fuzz gave it everything he had Aphelion went into a sharp turn, almost crashing on one of the huge rocks.
"Phew we made it!!" he yelled in joy as he turned of the engine. "Well that was one heck of a ride was it not Clank?... Ummm Clank?!" Clank was nowhere to be seen, and it was then Ratchet noticed what planet they had landed on, he wished he had not landed on this planet any planet but this one! "Aphelion you stay here ok?" "But Ratchet I want to have some fun too once in a while… Humpff you get all the fun whilst I always 'stay put'. One day you'll regret it you know." She said as the Lombax made his way towards where Clank would be held captive. He had landed on Ardolis and that was not a place to be for a Lombax like himself after crashing the planet several times over! As he walked towards the caves he noticed one of the Grummels, a big 'fat' alien that sat inside some sort of shell like contraption. They always opened when costumers were nearby. "Devices devices!!! Get here your devices… Nerve gas hot from the press." It said when the Lombax came within it's proximity. "Ooh hey slick! Long time no see. So what is it this time? Nerve gas? Leech bombs?... You name it I got it!" Ratchet rolled his eyes as he said he was searching for Clank. "Have you perhaps seen him pass? It's nothing for Clank to go of on his own…" The alien stared at the sad Lombax perhaps he could help. "Hey slick I have not seen your buddy, but I have seen a small band of robots going to Slag's base a min or so back." "WHAT?! They got Clank…" he growled heavily, he had only found Clank not to long ago and now those pirates had the nerve of botnapping him?! He grabbed his wrench tightly into his hand running towards the caves hoping he would be in time to help out his friend.
Not far from where Ratchet was, Rusty Pete smiled as he looked down on his prisoner. "Aye mate! Capt'n will be glad to see ya in chains you know. (hic)." He said as several other pirates grabbed the small robot and placed him on a chair, binding him with rope, metal chains and what one would think was a shoelace? "Pete why are you doing this?" asked Clank in a sad voice, whilst in the meantime trying to wiggle his arms free but it had no success. Rusty Pete turned around a sword in his right hand as it came close to Clank's neck. "You ask me to much (hic) question you!" he said whilst doing several more hiccups. "Your mate killed me best friend and capt'n twice. I'm just returning the (hic) favor." He said holding the blade steady to his neck. But before he was capable of doing anything a yell came from the room above.
"Pete ye ol'bucket o bolts!!! Ya told me you would fix me a new body… I haven't seen one did you then?!" scolded Slag as he was carried into the room by some pirates. It seemed that he still had no body so his head had been placed on a soft pillow, being carried around by some of his henchmen. "Sorry capt'n! But look whose here…(hic)" he said pointing towards the small bot on the chair. "Well I'll be shot and called a blarg! It's Secret agent Clank, capt'n!" said one of the pirates, only to receive a 'shut up' from Slag who knew very well who this was. "Aye if he be here, then that scallywag of a Lombax must be around here somewhere. Pete why did ya not tell me this sooner?!" Slag demanded as Rusty Pete only said "Well I (hic) was going to, but I was thinking 'the capt'n would love a new body'… So I was gonna fix it for ya." Slag's eyes widened "WHAT?! This mangy rat as me new body?! Ye got a lot of nerve Pete!" he said in a very threatening voice. "Now find me a REAL body!" he yelled, now both Pete and Clank were annoyed. Pete because of all the trouble he did snatching the bot, and Clank because he was not 'good enough' for Slag. "Well then Clank, let's see if your friend will come and rescue ya… Give him a warm welcome wont ya lads?" several arrr's and aye's and whatnot could be heard from the crew.
Ratchet had no problems so far, the bats were hanging asleep and not bugging him and no sentries spotted him. Perhaps he could sneak in get Clank and get the hell off this planet! But just as he was about to knock out one of the guards a blade appeared at his neck. "Move ya Lombax, I dare ye!" said the pirate as he held his blade tightly at the Lombax skin. A small trail of blood stained his fur as he began to yelp in agony. "The capt'n wants to speak to you." As he pushed Ratchet forward. Not soon afterwards he himself was also put in a chair, several pirates holding there gun ready to fire at the creature if he even moved a mere microcubit. "You guys will be in so much trouble if I get my guns!" he growled. Only be kicked in the stomach by the pirate closest to him. His head fell down as pains settled into his stomach even his ribs had felt the blow! "Arrr young Lombax, we meet again!" said a low voice, Ratchet recognized that voice anywhere! "Slag!!" he yelled. "Aye it is I! Did ye really think you could kill me off that easily on Merdegraw? If it wasn't for that Darkwater I would have killed ya with me bare hands!" Ratchet chuckled lowly to avoid being hit again in his guts as he made a small remark "Shall I help you a 'hand'?" Only Clank had heard the joke and giggled as Pete wanted to know what so funny Clank swiftly said nothing. "My circuitry sometimes does this. I am sorry." Off course this was a lie, but what the pirates did not know, they would not care for!
"Lombax, you'll be dining with the devil tonight once I have let ya be skewered! And ye can rest assured that me men will enjoy it!" smiling villainously at the creature, he turned his attention to Pete "Pete why are you still here? I said to fix me a new body! I wanna drink me grog with own bloody hands…" he shouted towards his first mate "Aye aye capt'n finding a body." Before quickly running off trying to find a new body which Slag would/could not reject. Oh how he had searched the galaxy for a new one but every time he had found something useful for his friend he rejected it. "To small… Ugly!... Not shiny enough… It doesn't have any legs, ya bucket of bolts!... That is not even a robot!!!" But if Slag wanted it, he would find it (eventually). Ratchet watched around him, scanning the area. Slag had placed several pirates near each exit and he had a handful of them guarding his own 'head' literally! "Damm no way out, I wish I had my gear still with me. Then I could show these pirates something they would never forget!" he growled as an idea flipped into his head. "Yo Slag, I bet I can drink you under the table!" Clank was shocked did he just hear Ratchet say he could beat Slag? At grog drinking?!! "Hahahaaaa… Ye must have a dead wish Lombax. Nobody can drink as much as good old' capt'n Slag! And why do ye wanna?!" Ratchet began to think at this, as his plan had not reached so far. I just wanted to draw Slag's attention not get into a drinking match! "Well if I win you'll release me and Clank." "Arrr, why should I do that? You got nothing to bargain with ya mangy scoundrel. I should strangle… Me arms where are me arms? Ooh if only I had them." He sighed almost cried as he remembered he was only a head. But that wouldn't matter he had the perfect list to get a new body and the Lombax! "Tell ye what Ratchet… If you win you'll be free once more. But if I win, ye will make me a new body!" said Slag spitting out a few oil drops on the Lombax face. "Don't do it Ratchet pirates never play fair!" "You're on!" Ratchet said joyfully as Clank just rolled his eyes. "Out of all the dumb things you did ratchet this one even makes Qwark seems bright!" Clank said as he was very worried if Ratchet would have any chance against that monstrosity of a pirate.
"Aye listen up (hic) the rules are simple… last man euuh Lombax or robot to stand on his feet wins!" Rusty Pete said. He had returned as he heard that there would be a grog competition and if there was anything he loved it was grog a battle. Especially now as it was the capt'n Slag vs Ratchet. Grog was placed on the table as several barrels were rolled besides them. Special mucks were given to each contestant. Both of them bearing the famous 'pirate face' on them. "On your mark… Get set!..." Slag quickly ordered a straw as they placed it into the muck he quickly began to sip his pint taking a head start on Ratchet. "Hey?! That that that…that's cheating." "GO!" yelled Rusty Pete as he quickly began to drink his own pint trying to catch up with Slag who already had around three down.
Everyone stared as pint after pint loaded with grog went down there throats. Tough Clank was especially hypnotized as to where Slag could keep al that booze. Heck he was only a head after all!
Pint after pint disappeared as more barrels were opened. Pete began to look worried as he saw more then a week supply of grog go away right before his very eyes. "Give it up Lombax… ye don't have the guts to face with the likes of me!" Slag said who get a remark from Ratchet "You're the one to speak.. You have no gut!" at this even Pete could not hold his laugh "Shut your grog hole the both of ya! Less ye want to be hanged on the keel!" Slag shouted. Ratchet began to feel himself get a bit woozy from all the grog. "If I don't think of something fast I'll loose this darn match!" he said in himself, just as an idea struck in. Slag drank pint after pint after pint. He quickly gained around twenty mucks more then Ratchet who it seemed had trouble drinking more. "Told ya Lombax you aren't no match for capt'n Slag… Muhahahaaa! Just give in." as Slag kept drinking and drinking. Rather did he know that Ratchet deliberately drank less!
Seconds became minutes and minutes became hours as both Slag and Ratchet kept drinking. Ratchet had around seventy pints at which point he began to feel very very woozy! But Slag had consumed around a few barrels already. But he began to feel sick as well even starting to sing a song of some sort. "Wenchies oooh wenchies… One cannot describe the joy!!! I'll drink one more for me wenchies. I'll even plunder the stoooore… A piiiiirate ever moooore!!" Slag finally lost it as the last few pints he drank spilled next to him on the floor. He himself landed into it a few seconds later. Rusty Pete could not believe what he just saw. "Ummm… Ratchet wins?" he said unsure as to what had just happened. Ratchet stood up as he untied Clank quickly running , as fast he could at that point, towards his ship with Clank behind… No, in front of him! Urging the green eyed one to pick up the pace.
Not far from them was Aphelion already warming up her engine as Clank had contacted her. She felt a bit sad for the poor chap as Ratchet tried to get into the cockpit, even Clank was needed to help him in order to get him inside. "Oooh that stinks! Ratchet once your sober you need a bath quickly!" Aphelion said turning on the air-condition making Ratchet sneeze. "And don't you dare throw up on my seat you hear. Or else it won't be your birthday for a long time." She said as the ship took off leaving angry pirates in its wake. "Hey that's not fair! They cheated… Captain had more grog then that Lombax!" Shouted Pete as Slag himself was still out cold. "Ready the ships lads!" Pete said as the pirates quickly made there way towards the ships ready to hunt some cat.
"Ratchet are you alright?" asked Clank as he began to check his friend for any strange signs. "Except for a… (burp) very painful stomach and feeling drunk for a week. I'm fine!" As the ship left Ardolis for the blackness of space, the ship was contacted by the pirates. "Ahoy young scallywags, ye really believed capt'n Slag, scourge of the galaxy, would be defeated so easily?" "Does this guy never give up?" Ratchet sighed as he tried to steer the plane straight. "Aphelion can you get us out of here? Ratchet is in no condition to fly!" Clank said as he noticed the pirates gaining on them. "My sensors indicate that I could escape. I will start the hyperspace engine." She said as several small pirate ships came into view, ready to take down the Lombax vessel. Not far from the Aphelion "Darn it Pete, we are pirates we cheat next time don't let em get away! There goes me only chance at getting me new body!!!" Slag yelled as Pete got closer towards the vessel. "With all respect sir, shut your grog hole! (hic) Flying as an art and one does not rush it." He said in a nice voice as if trying to teach the captain some manners. But before Pete could even fire at the ship as it vanished "Arrrr they escaped again! Ye be cursed Lombax. By me headless body, ye be cursed!!!"
As Aphelion entered hyperspace, a small snoring sound filled the entire cockpit as Ratchet had fallen asleep from all the grog he had. Clank got a blanket from behind the seat and placed it over his friend. "Sleep well Ratchet you earned it!"
