Hi everyone! So a lot of you are sad about this ff and let me just say that this story has no happy ending. I mainly wrote it for my curiosity and for me this helped me love Meredith a little more even if it means hurting me by writing it. I didn't mean to make you cry because this is fed for my addiction only. I want to make sure that Meredith is still inside our heart and that's something that shouldn't be taken away. I am heartbroken when Meredith started to put away things that reminded her of Derek and I really get it. I truly do. I want her to be happy but if that means erasing the memory of Derek fully then no I don't want it. I have never been so devastated when Derek died. This is how Meredith should have grieved without tainting Derek's existence just like the show did.

Meredith just sat there. She was trying her hardest not to feel anything but the pain is way too much to handle. A tear left her eyes, a tear that somehow represents every aching pain inside her, left her eyes. Just one drop. She was strong. She's still strong. She breathed. She wiped her tears again and stands up pivoting to the door and holding the door hinge somehow she thought that once she opened this door, all the pain will be gone again. She tilted it open and walked out the door. It's way too much to handle for such little time.

She's studying every move everyone is making around her like it's the most interesting thing that she's seen. Every patients. She looks at them with so much awe, asking them some personal questions and advice that somehow it will all feel like it's going to be okay. But she knows better. She didn't survive all this horrible things happen to her just to come out the other side broken. She experienced pain and come out stronger.

Every waking moment of her every patients has been joy. It's the only source of happiness she has this days. It maybe not enough to put a smile on her face. A genuine smile but it's enough to make her feel something in her heart that she hasn't felt in a long time.

Every time she looks at her kids all she can see is him. Their time together and the pain it brought her to tell her kids, their daddy is dead and he's never coming back. She wanted to be strong for all of them especially Zola since old enough to know everything. "I miss Daddy." the pang in her chest that if the room is very silent, everyone can hear it. Her oldest says those words like nothing but it did mean something. It means so much.

All she can think about it how unfair and cunning it must be to take away a pure soul? Everything happens for a reason? Is there a reason for this? To cause her more pain? Sometimes she thinks she's cursed and she's just waiting for her to drop dead anytime soon. First her Mother, her sister, now her husband?. Everyone left. Cristina. George died. Izzie had cancer then left. Every one that has ever walked in her life has left. Everyone did. Her father first walked away and now he might as well be dead too.

It's scary how much she became aware of everything now. She's well aware of everything. She can feel every movement everyone makes. Starting from the elevator to her OR, she even noticed her intern dropped his hands out of the sterile field. Every detail seems so evident. She was thinking of maybe seeing a shrink? But that would require talking about him and she really don't want to feel that pain still lingering her body so that idea went sideways. She notice it too, Richard maybe Bailey too and some of her friends, tracking her maybe waiting for her to make a mistake. She see's them all the time at her OR gallery. She doesn't blame them but it's really starting to get on her nerves. It's like they don't trust her anymore. That's what it feels like.

She walks around the hospital like it's her home. She's barely even home anymore. Where is home? She thought? What would it be like to feel at home? She rarely see her kids. It's like she's turning into Ellis her mother. She's turning into someone she doesn't want to be and that scares the crap out of her.

She walked into daycare, night care, whatever care. And she's looking around, her eyes searching for her kids. She spotted them and walked towards them.

"Mommy's here." sweet but very little voice of Zola welcomed her. She scooted down to reach her kids height and hugged the two of them. After a while not wanting to talk Zola said "Look what me and Bailey did Mommy!!" Squealing softly her kids gave her a little bond paper with a very smudge coloring of a rainbow and some clouds. "That's what Bailey tried to draw Mommy." Zola met her eyes and she smiled. For the first time in forever, her kid made her smile. She sighed and said "It looks good for a four year old." Four years. Sounding proud "What about you? What did you drew for Mommy?" She asked Zola still sat down. "I wanted to draw something with Daddy in it."

Meredith's smile broke. The mere mention of Derek is killing her inside piece by piece. Her daughter handed her a half piece of paper with a drawing of a complete family. The guy assuming it's Derek and Meredith hold hands. Bailey and then Zola on the other end. She noticed a wet part in the bottom of the paper, she looked at her kids not wanting to say or make a sudden movement. She closed her eyes for a moment and opened it again only to find her oldest child trying her hardest not to cry. Zola sniffled and a tear fell out of her eyes. Meredith put her hands to caress her small face and she cupped it just like her husband used to do and tried her hardest to comfort a seven yr old that just lost her Dad. Her first ever love. She sniffled and said "Your daddy would be so proud of you." She said while holding her face, She bit her lip and she can feel her eyes starts watering. She sniffled and tugged Zola in her chest. She hugged her softly but tight. "So, so proud."

Meredith closed her eyes, imagining Derek. Her heart cried. She opened her eyes still hugging her child tightly she looked at Bailey playing with legos in his own little world and having no clue on what's happening. She heard her daughter sniffled again. She let go and kissed her daughter's temples. "You know Daddy loves you very much. Both of you." She stands up and moved to a more comfortable sitting position and spent time with her kids. She looked at the paper Zola drew still wondering why there's a wet part in the bottom of it and realization hit her and all she can think about is Zola was crying when she was drawing. She looked at her kids while they play happily again wondering how they managed to do it.

Alex watching from the glass behind the day care with a smile on his face. A family, maybe not a complete one but if he didn't know Meredith, He would probably just think it's a normal family spending time together but there's more behind it.

If you look closely, Meredith's eyes and her kids has a void behind it. A void no one will ever be able to fill and Alex is scared that Meredith will never be the same again. I mean how can she be the same again? That girl's heart beat for Derek Shepherd. He was her everything. The man turned her world. It seems impossible to move on from someone that has been with you half your life, has teach you so many beautiful things about life and has thought you time and time again that love is worth fighting for.

My next chapter is gonna be the last one and it's gonna be long.. And no I'm not gonna make Meredith pregnant because in my opinion that just adds more pain to her suffering. Imagine having your husband died and then you found out that your carrying another child that He's not gonna see growing up. Plus this is mainly written for Meredith's way of grieving and some important relationships she and her friends and family have with each other.