"Sometimes your inability to let go has nothing to do with real love and everything to do with what that person represents in your life. Why do you give them so much importance? Why do you believe that God doesn't love you enough that he would not bring someone else into your life? Why do you put up with less than you deserve?"
Shannon L. Alder

XXXXXXXXXX

I tried to change things up a bit. I made Rick a bologna and cheese sandwich for his lunch along with an apple. I included a love note as well. He never acknowledge them but it didn't stop me. As his wife I wanted him to know I acknowledged him as a man and I adored him. Loved him.

XXXXXXXXX

Michonne makes the best damn food ever. I was so stuffed. My favorite is when she makes stewed chicken, rice, cabbage, and plantains. Well to be honest everything she cook is delicious and the gumbo was no exception. She always marveled how I could put it away and she would cook plenty.

Her apartment was small but very tidy. It always smelled like good cooking or some type of nice fragrance. Her place was cozy.

She was pointing her spoon at me as I sat across from her at her kitchen table, "You need to be honest with Lori. You know what Rick, you are better than most men. Most men would have been long gone."

"I know. I feel like a fool."

"You shouldn't feel like that. You are a good guy. You are the last of a dying breed, trust me. Lori made a mistake. She asked for your forgiveness. No one said to forget the shit."

"I don't think I really forgave her though. I don't think I can forget. It's been two years Michonne and I am stuck."

"Stuck is a choice." Michonne said emphatically.

"You make it sound so easy." I couldn't eat another bite with Michonne watching me so intensely.

"You make it sound like it something you haven't considered." Michonne had an intense way about her. When she spoke she was so passionate. She should be some type of lawyer the way she could see the different sides of things.

"I wouldn't even know where to begin." I put my spoon down.

"When you ready, you will know what to do. Right now you want to work on your marriage and that is commendable. Trust me when I tell you stuck is a choice. I chose to leave Mike because he didn't want more and he felt I didn't deserve more. Never let someone determine what is sufficient or what is worth striving for. I left Mike ass right there where he wanted to be, dapping fist with every dope dealer. I had to leave a lot behind to get my life in order. This little set back for me is temporary. I ride the bus. I get rides from friends and customers like yourself. I refuse to let Mike and my pride get in the way from my goals."

"What are your goals?"

"My goal is to get my degree so I can have one good job, a new car, and take care of my son. I want to get to the point where I could care less if the child support check will come in the mail once a month so I can keep the lights on."

I like when Michonne and I would talk like this. I like when we share pieces of each other. I was comfortable talking with her. Sharing. We spent time together just talking in her apartment. Sometimes we would watch television when she was in between classes and didn't need to study. I took my cues from her, if she was offering, I wasn't turning her down. I enjoyed her company.

XXXXXXXXXX

I opened my brown lunch bag to find a bologna and cheese sandwich. I tossed the whole bag in the trash with the apple. Fuck.

XXXXXXXXXX

Shane and I stopped seeing each other immediately after Rick caught us together. I was embarrassed at my behavior. I was so sloppy. Rick was furious more with Shane than with me it seemed. Shane was his childhood friend. Shane left the force and moved away. Shane leaving helped. If he hadn't, I would still...I would still be involved with him.

With Shane I felt desirable. I felt passion. I felt beautiful and perfect in my lover's eyes. I wasn't a housewife. I wasn't a mother. I was a woman.

I buried all of it down deep inside and became the person that was expected. Housewife. Mother. Slave.

Rick continues to look at me with indifference. I walk into the house with my hair freshly trimmed. He doesn't notice. I clean the house thoroughly it is expected. I put love notes in his lunch bag and it goes unnoticed. I touch him and he flinches. Still. I touch him anyway. He relaxes sometimes but not by much.