2. My beginning
Tick tock...tick tock.. My eyes glued to the clock of my barren cell. I twisted violently to release myself from a my straitjacket. "COME ON!" I screamed. I squirmed and squirmed until I exhausted myself. Beads of sweats rolled down my face, my breathing was heavy. Everyday I would do this, I would use all my might and energy to rip myself of this straitjacket. But to no avail.
For seven years, I have been locked up in this hellhole called the Vaare Institution. I sobbed brokenly as I threw myself to the floor. "YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF, ALANNA! YOU STUPID BITCH!" I screamed. My mind becomes unhinged every minute, I choked on my heavy sobs.
"All of this over a couple of disgusting bastards!" I sniveled. I vividly remembered the men I murdered years ago. Their faces popped into my mind. I had no pity for them, they deserved their deaths. The only pity I felt was for myself. The men I killed hurt me, they betrayed me and denied me the love I would kill for. The love that only soulmates cherishes, I desire that with all my heart. I thought of my Father, remembering with bliss of the love he showed me when I was younger. I wished I could go back in time and be with him once again. Everyday I would daydream about him, thinking of how happy we were. Blissful, joyous memories I hold dear to my heart. I always felt that hole inside me ever since I murdered him. I also murdered his two whores who just happened to be there with him on that night I murdered him. I tried to replace him with the other men, but it all ended the same.
A bloodcurdling scream echoed from the room next to me. Almost every two hours that crazy bastard screams his head. I just want to stab him in his neck! I sat up alarmed when I heard the door creak open. My spirits are instantly lifted when I laid my eyes on Dr. Popov and three other orderlies. All my sorrow and pity was instantly replaced with joy and giddiness.
He gave me a broad smile. His voice made me wet. "Hello, Ms. Petrov. How are you feeling?" He asked me. "It's time for your hourly appointment."
I looked at my straitjacket. I wanted to burn this thing. I hated being restrained like this. I felt like a savage animal.
"I want to be out of my straitjacket." I said truthfully. All my pent up emotions rushed out of me as I broke out into pitiful sob. My tears blinded me for a moment, Dr. Popov just stood there and thought to himself.
"Please! Dr. Popov, I can't take this jacket anymore! Please, let me out just this once, please!" I pleaded.
Dr. Popov remained collected, his voice was gentle and precise. "No, Ms. Petrov, you know why you must be in that jacket." He wasn't asking a question. I already knew why I'm always stuck in this straitjacket. It's not for my protection, it's the staff's protection. Since I been here, I have lashed out on almost all of the orderlies. They deserved it though, they all treated me like a animal. They dehumanized me, so I treated them the same way.
I then lied. "I'm sorry. I always feel bad after I do it! I will never attack anyone ever again! I promise!" Tears ran down my cheeks. Dr. Popov gave me a kind look, I could feel his compassion for me. He was the only person who truly cared for me in this hellhole.
He then beckoned me into the hallway. "Come, it is time for your appointment. We will talk about it."
My spirits are lifted and I smiled. "Thank you, Dr. Popov." I said happily. One of the orderlies glared at me. "Come on, don't make us wait. Move!" He barked. With that, I'm led into the dimly lit hallway and escorted into Dr. Popov's small office. Dr. Popov entered the room first and sat down at his desk. Still in my straitjacket, the orderlies seated me down in a chair infront of Dr. Popov's desk.
Screams and wails of madness rang through the building.
My heart soared as I stared into Dr. Popov's warm eyes. I just wished he would embrace me with all the love and comfort in the world.
"I heard you screaming earlier, Ms. Petrov. How are your mood swings?" Dr. Popov asked me.
"I'm sick of being in my straitjacket." I said softly. I then begged. "I will never attack anyone again. I promise. I will be calm, I'll behave."
He nodded. "Ms. Petrov, this is the Hospital policy. You have attacked many of our staff. So therefore you must be restrained. " I loathed how matter of fact he was at that moment.
I broke down in tears once again. "Please! I will be good! Just let me have no straitjacket on in my cell! I can't fucking stand it!"
Dr. Popov was quiet for a moment. The orderlies stood behind me in case I tried to escape or do something.
"You tend to promise me good behavior a lot, Ms. Petrov." Dr. Popov commented. "I know full well how sly you can be. I'm willing to give you a chance, but I'm afraid you are telling me a bold lie."
I sniffled. "I'm not lying. All I want is be let out of this straitjacket. I will do anything!"
Dr. Popov stared at me for a quick moment, he took a deep breath. "No." My heart sank. "One day when you act properly, you will be released from your restraints. But yesterday, you bit one of our staff member during your shower period. And you spat on another one this morning. Your behavior as of now has not improved. Here." With that he beckoned one of the orderlies to come to him. He gave that orderlie a glass of water and two small yellow pills.
The orderly held his hand to me and showed me the two pills. "Open your mouth." He commanded. I refused and shook my head defiantly. I felt anger rising inside me. I struggled to keep calm. I felt more hurt than anger, Dr. Popov's refusal to release me out my straitjacket pained me.
"Why? I promised you I will be good! Just give me a chance!" I pleaded.
Dr. Popov slowly shook his head. "I'm sorry." I finally lost my temper. I raised my voice. "YOU'RE SORRY?! ALL I WANTED WAS TO BE OUT THIS FUCKING STRAITJACKET, YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKER! EAT SHIT AND DIE!" I snarled, I couldn't control my words. I violently twisted in my seat, screaming and crying heavily. All my love for Dr. Popov disappeared into thin air. For the years I been here, I cherished Dr. Popov. I found him so attractive and lovely, I felt warmth and comfort whenever I was around him. But now I saw his true colors.
The orderly became impatient and jammed one of the pills into my mouth. I jerked back with wide eyes, I made sure I didn't choke on the pill. He plucked my chin and forced me to drink the water. I wildly flailed and ended up swallowing the bitter pill. "Gentle, Fredson." Dr. Popov instructed calmly. He released my chin, I felt so violated and disrespected.
I sobbed heavily. "FUCK YOU!" I shrieked angrily.
"Ms. Petrov, please calm yourself. Please take your next pill so you can…" I cut him off quickly.
"SO I CAN WHAT? GO BACK TO MY CELL AND EXHAUST THE HELL OUT OF MYSELF TRYING TO GET OUT THIS DAMN STRAITJACKET! YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING SON OF A BITCH!" I screamed.
"Please calm yourself, Ms. Popov." He consoled me. I did admire Dr. Popov's composure. He never loses his temper. He was collected and even tempered. But I was too angry to care. "NO! NO!" I wailed.
"FUCK THIS PLACE! FUCK YOU!" I screamed. "I'M NOT TAKING THE DAMN PILL!"
Dr. Popov just nodded. "Alright. You will be sent back to your room. And you will stay in there until you calm yourself." I sobbed harder than before. "Please…." I whispered, my throat was strained now due to all my screaming.
But it was too late, within minutes I'm escorted out of Dr. Popov's office and back into my cell. I heard one of the orderlies chuckling as they shut the door. I tried to break free from my straitjacket once again, I could feel it cutting through my skin as I do. After a full minute of struggling, I gave up and threw myself to the floor. I trembled as I bitterly sobbed. Whenever I'm at my lowest point, (which was often here.) I'd daydream. My daydreams were my safe haven. I imagined what I yearned for in life. I daydreamed about my wedding, I would marry a handsome, loving man who would love me no matter how I looked. I thought of having children. I will never have children, my Father ruined my reproductive system a long time ago. My womb is useless and barren. But I always wanted a small child to care for, I wanted to be a mother and a wife. Those dreams are my goals in life. I scanned my room and noticed something under my bed. My old wore out bible. I'm not religious, but my Father was. When I was small and innocent, he would read pages from a bible to put me to sleep at night. I received this bible from the Institution when I first got here. Now I barely read it, instead I store pictures of my victims inside its pages. It's also a daily reminder of Mercedes or "Mercy." My adopted Father popped into my memories. I remembered how brutally I murdered him. He rejected me and hit me when I tried to seduce him. All I wanted from him was love, but he chose to hurt me. So I murdered him that night, slicing him up like swiss cheese. I was literally seeing red, I was so enraged I kicked on his almost decapitated corpse. I burned his house down with his the rest of unsuspecting family inside. I ran away and ditched my Mercy facade and became a prostitute. I fell in love with at least four of my clients. But the relationship broke down once they began to abuse me, so I stabbed them and killed them. Few months later, I ended up here.
All I ever wanted was acceptance and romance from a man who would cherish me. But all I got was rejection, abuse, and blood on my hands.
"I need to try again. I need to escape!" I whispered to myself. I took a deep breath to collect myself. "I must act good." I told myself.
I did act good. For two weeks straight, I was obedient and meek. Even when a orderly abused me, I didn't lash out, I'd just swallowed down my rage like a bitter pill. It was a rainy afternoon when Dr. Popov finally told me I could get out of my straitjacket.
My smile went to ear to ear. My voice was high pitched and jovial. "Really?!" I squealed in excitement.
Dr. Popov smiled in approval. "Yes. You have shocked me, Ms. Petrov. You have been on your best behavior." He said kindly. "I'm very proud." He added. I let out a girly giggle and blushed. I was falling back in love with Dr. Popov.
"Time for my escape." I whispered to myself urgently. I waited patiently in my cell, I enjoyed the feeling of being free. I felt like a bird trapped in a cage. I glanced at my raw scars on my wrists and grimaced. Within minutes, Lola, a orderly who enjoyed making my life a living hell here entered my room with a tray of plain food. Her eyes filled up with disgust as she looked at me. But I didn't care. Before she could do anything, I ran and slammed myself into the door. My force shut it tight and Lola was trapped inside with me.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" She hollered, dropping my tray to the floor. Food splatted onto the floor, my fork and spoon landed to my feet. I picked up my fork and lunged at her with a evil smile. I took her by surprise and tackled her. She wrestled with me for a moment, until I managed to jabbed the plastic fork into her neck. I slammed my hand on her big mouth as she let out a muffled long winded scream. I stab her one more time and watched her become limp and bloody I checked for a pulse and groaned when I realized she was still alive. I jumped off of her and leaped into action. I grabbed my bible hastily. I snatched Lola's keys from her and opened the door. Within in seconds, I'm running at top speed down the hallway.
"SHE'S LOOSE!" A frantic yell nearly made me lose my balance.
The screams of the mad patients escalated as I ran blindly. I took a few turns and flew down the flight of stairs. My legs throbbed with pain and exhaustion, but I forced myself to keep running. I heard other orderlies' rapid footsteps chased after me. I made it to the elevator and I violently pressed the button. My heart raced a mile a minute. When it opened, I dove in and pressed the lobby button. As the doors closes, I caught a glance of the orderlies charging after me.
I am out of breath, my entire body ached. When I arrived at the lobby, I just ran without any thought. I slammed myself into the entrance doors and pushed it with my might as I finally escaped outside. It was raining, my now bloody clothes were drenched. But I didn't care. The alarm went berserk, the deafening siren nearly burst my eardrums. I just kept running.
