Day 2,208

"I don't blame you, not for Octavia at least. I'm not the one to judge holding on the person someone used to be. It's day 2,208, and Monty is right. We don't deserve Shadow Valley. But Madi does, and Ethan does, and all of the kids who should get the chance that we never got – to just be kids. So, I am willing to fight for that, and I am willing to kill someone who used to be the first friend I made on earth.

"I wish Lincoln was here. Not even Indra can talk sense into Octavia now, but Lincoln could. Lincoln saw Octavia, and loved all of her. He saw the darkness inside that would become Blodreina, and he loved her for it, but he also saw the Girl Under the Floor, and he saw the Girl Who Chased Butterflies.

"Octavia saw the grounders for who they were before any of us. You and me, we just saw a threat, because that's who we are, Bellamy. We look for threats everywhere. But Octavia, she saw a people who were just trying to survive. Not only that, but she helped us all to see it. Without Octavia and Lincoln, I don't think I could have been with Lexa or Niylah, I don't think you could have been with Echo.

"Of course, I never thought that you'd…. Never mind. Did I tell you I used the tactic that Lincoln first used when we captured him on Eligius? I wouldn't speak English, I hoped that they'd believe I didn't speak it, so they could reveal something in front of me. Diyoza saw through it, I was too focused on the radio. I guess it's a habit, being attached to this stupid piece of machine."

Clarke sighed, letting her hand with the radio drop. She ran her other hand through her knotted and dirty hair, still pink from the berries she and Madi had used just days before.

"I wish I had been there when Lincoln was killed. I wish I could have been there to stop it, or at least try. I wish I could have been there for Octavia, or for you. He was your friend, Bellamy. He was my friend, he was my people. And now it's like he was never here. Now he's just another name carved into my rifle strap. Like Wells, and Jasper. Like Finn, and Lexa."

Clarke choked on the name Lexa, her mouth suddenly dry. She didn't think she'd ever really get over her, the first women she loved. The strong and steady and kind and compassionate leader, who fearlessly led her people justly. No matter how much time had passed, or how much Clarke had really come to terms with her death, the sting was still there. Different than how it was with Finn. Two people she loved, differently but fiercely, both dead.

"Killing Finn was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. The grounders outside the dropship, the Mountain Men in Mount Weather, those were numbers. Granted, impossible numbers, unthinkable numbers who were people, but they had no faces. I couldn't let them have faces. Finn had a face, and I had to feel as he died. Because I killed him. But I did it, I had to do it, because without his death we wouldn't have made it. And humanity needs to survive, Bellamy. We might be monsters, but we are monsters with this infinite potential to help and create and love. And sometimes the only choice, or the best choice, is the impossible one. And we have to make it, we choose so they don't have to.

She smiled without humor at the repetition of things she had said to Bellamy prior.

"I know, only choice is an oxymoron. But it's true. When it comes to humanity surviving, versus something else, there is no real choice between the two.

"You thought that letting Madi stay with Octavia was your only choice. That is an oxymoron fitting of the phrase. There was an alternative there. You were willing to let the only good thing in my life die, for Echo. And I get it, Bellamy, I do. You love her, she is your partner—"

The word partner tasted bitter in Clarke's mouth.

"But Madi is my daughter. And Octavia doesn't care if she lives or dies. If Madi lives, she survives under Octavia's thumb, as a tool to wield against the Grounders. If she dies, well, that's one less threat against Octavia."

The anger and resentment Clarke held within her started to bleed into her words. She did her best to temper it, but she wasn't sure how successful she was.

"I get that Madi and I aren't part of your family anymore, even if you don't see that right now, but I wish you could understand how much I need to save her. And I am starting to think that… Maybe you would let Madi die at Octavia's hands before you would hurt your sister."

Clarke's eyes closed as the truth behind her words set in.

"I don't think you realize it, and I don't think you would realize it until a situation came up, but you're not willing to sacrifice the one you love to save the greater good. At least not directly. You would sacrifice yourself in a heartbeat. You can put your hand over someone as they pull a lever, condemning hundreds to death. You would watch and leave someone behind as the world was ending in order to save your friends. But you can't lose your sister. You can't look someone you love in the eye as you slide a knife between their ribs. And that's okay, you're a better person than I am. But what you need to understand because you seem to have forgotten, is that I will, Bellamy. I will do what has to be done to save my daughter. No matter who gets in my way. And I really hope that isn't you."