DAY 1:

"Nick! You're finally here!"

I stumble in delirium, flattened by Maya's arms in a magnitude inconsistent with her small stature. "And I got you a present," she announces when we finally manage to disentangle ourselves. Her eyes shine with such anticipation, and my heart leaps with it too, or at least it did until she dumps that huge pile of leaves in front of me. "See, just what you wanted!"

"Um…" Her eyes compel me, that maddening sincerity. No, this isn't some practical joke, this is clearly a heartfelt gift. "Thanks," I manage.

"Aren't you going to try eating one?" Her unabashed eager hovers toward me and stabs at somewhere in my chest.

So I reach for one and take an experimental nibble.

"It's so…bitter," I attempt tactfully.

"Yeah, I don't know, I think they're disgusting, but these people from the city come and buy them and sell them dried as some designer healthfood, can you believe it? Ewwww."

"But I didn't know you were into that stuff, Nick," she continues with puzzlement. "And haven't you lost enough weight already?"

"I'M NOT INTO IT!" I protest.

"Then why were you so desperate to have those leaves?"

"I…I'm just, um.." How do I explain without sounding like a loser? "I thought I'd, er….. I'M HUNGRY!" I whine.

"You're hungry? NICK!" Maya's eyes fill with TEARS of genuine compassion. "You're starving to death?" She's actually sobbing now. A strange lump forms in my throat.

"Oh, it's not so bad…" I defend lamely.

"Don't worry," she vows, fist scattering leaves in emphatic fervour, my feeble protest ignored. "I'LL SAVE YOU!"

Her eyes have flared with that fire of determination. I couldn't object if I tried, and I'm rapidly being dragged toward Fey Manor's food storeroom.

"I wish you'd warned me, I would have got more stuff sent in," she's babbling. "Well, I'll get an emergency shipment tomorrow. How about steak? Maybe if you eat an entire cow you'll bulk up a little." Her eyes light up. "You don't have to say a thing, Nick. I know it's not your fault you're living in abject poverty!"

She drags me on, but soon I don't have to be dragged. My feet and my nose compel me toward the kitchen, an imposing and archaic installment from back in the days when they'd cook for a whole castle, but right now I'm oblivious to both history and architecture.

"Mmm, what's cooking? It smells… delectable."

"Huh?" Maya is bemused. "Oh. Ewwwwww. It's just boring vegetables. THESE things," she gestures to a huge, white carrotlike object. "A 'daikon'. It's kind of, well, BORING, and when you cook it it tastes like nothing, but you can mush it up and absorb flavours and stuff. Only tolerable for a spiritual fast or something. Pearly still eats them though. But YOU! You can do much better! Oh, you must really be starving," she laments. "How'd I let things get this bad?"

"Oh, I wish I'd known," she continues as she paces the kitchen and adjacent food storeroom. "Better food is coming tomorrow! But in the meantime, I won't let you starve!"

She charges back and forth, hauling in armfuls of what I assume must pass as traditional Kurain food, though I myself would've never known that stuff was edible.

"Wash this, will you?" she directs, dumping this wet THING into my arms, splattering my head with sludge.

"Wash? It's already wet… wait. Isn't this that…. That flower from the pond out there?" (I hate flowers!)

"A LOTUS. Yes, you can eat the roots and seeds. Make sure you get ALL the mud out will you?"

And what's that? A weed?"

"A burdock."

Definitely a weed, geez, I hope it doesn't have 'burrs'. Still, people eat dandelion leaves and stuff, so I guess it's safe?

Now she pours out a sack of tapering roundish beige er, objects (I think they're maybe sweet potatoes?) She snaps one open and exclaims in satisfaction. I lurch back in terror.

"Are you sure that garish purple colour isn't *cringe* poisonous?"

"Nick, would I ever poison you?"

Not on purpose, but…

"And isn't it a *cringe* VEGETABLE?" (I hate vegetables!)

"You won't remember it's a vegetable, once I coat it in chocolate."

Oh. Ohhhhhh.

I suddenly realize I should relax and stop being so ungrateful. I recently mastered eating the CABBAGE after all. Nothing Maya serves could ever be worse than that! Besides, her eyes light up with such sincere delirium as she explains she'll save me from a torturous death by starvation. And whatever she's doing to that stuff – well it already smells fantastic! (Especially the chocolate.)

###

"Entrée!" announces Maya.

My head snaps up eagerly from Fey Manor's prehistoric hewn table. "W..what the heck is that?"

"The Mountain Yam. When grated, it produces a whitish slime! Eat up!"

"Oh." I gingerly pick up a piece with my chopstick. It promptly slips and slimes onto my lap.

"Ahhh.." sighs Maya happily, grabbing a fistful.

When in Rome…

I tentatively take a sliver in my finger and delicately nibble…
…epicureal delirium! A slippery yet dense and mildly gritty texture, a sublime springiness of bite and… oh, forget the 'fries moment'! I frenetically grab a fistful and start stuffing my face in similar manner to Maya. Food! Starvation averted! More!

Maya is leaning over the table toward me so excitedly, eyes beaming ecstatically. "Nick! I'm so happy to see you enjoying food properly!"

"Yeah!" *gulp* *slobber*

Slime on my hair, slime on my face, slime on my nose, slime on my fingers, slime down my arm… Maya is coated in similar manner. No, Phoenix, no!

I feel a slight gurgle and an unfamiliar yet comforting warm descending into my overlong-empty stomach. I was hungry so long I'd somehow accepted it as normality!

"Time for the next course!' declares Maya, snatching away the old plates, my lapping tongue suddenly hitting the splintery table. My distress is only momentary as my warmed stomach lurches in thrill. This smells great!

"Fried Lotus Root and Burdock root with Lotus Nut Paste! Oh, I hope I added enough sugar," describes Maya.

Ah… crispy…. Sweet… A pleasant and invigorating texture. Apart from those weird strings of lotus-ness, only a minor distraction. The crunch of the lotus and the stringed meatiness of the burdock provide an impeccable contrast! *crunch* *slobber*

Maya's gazing at me dreamily. I shrink in momentary embarrassment, maybe I should wipe my mouth and stop spilling lotus starch everywhere, but no, for some reason Maya seems enthralled at my gluttony. (And I'm fast hurtling into a sugar rush.)

"Next course," announces Maya, as I lick my plate, and her plate as her eyes are turned. "Chocolate Okinawan Sweet Potato with Chocolate."

At once fluffy and substantial, dense yet moderated… I'm flailing for words to adequately describe the impact! A cloud of purple taste excession. Who'd have thought, the ultimate combination? Strangely luxuriant… "More, please!" I beg.

"Oh I'm sorry, Nick, that's the end," sighs Maya apologetically. "Was it okay?"

"G-great!" I enthuse, in tragic understatement. "We gotta do this again sometime!"

"Oh we will," assures Maya, eyes sparking anticipatorily. "Tomorrow!"

Man, I think I've hit the jackpot.

Incoming food coma…ugh…my stomach, why it's…distended…

"Mystic Maya, Mystic Maya! I went to feed the fish at the pond and…Oh!" exclaims Pearl, observing the half chewed pink petals wreathing the flagstones around Maya. "You ate the pond centerpiece."

"NICK ate the pond centerpiece," corrects Maya. "Oh, Pearly, he was going to starve to death!"

'I see. Oh, that's so romantic," simpers Pearl approvingly.

Romantic? But I hate flowers

I stagger out and sink down on my futon whilst Maya cuddles up companionably next to me (thankfully not on my bloated stomach.) "I'm sorry it was so boring," she's apologising. "But tomorrow, we'll have BETTER FOOD."

"Can't… wait.." I manage to mutter. The digestive process is.. novel…pleasantly soporiphic…

###

DAY 2:

I'm rudely awoken by a …truck engine? grinding through the usual peace of tranquil dawn Kurain. Maya's supertanker of emergency food has apparently arrived!

Some of the little pre-acolytes and senile mediums have rushed out to line up and watch the spectacle, man, Kurain must be boring…

I crawl back to bed. Best not to get underfoot without request when Maya and food are involved. Besides, she's guaranteed to wake me if she needs me…

###

"Well, here's a knife, Nick. Dig in!"

When Maya said yesterday she'd make me eat 'a whole cow' I didn't think she was serious. But there it is, roasting on a spit!

"I d-don't have to eat the head, do I?"

Maya hmms for a moment. "I guess not. Or the feet. But all that lovely 'meat' – hurry up and take some!"

With difficulty, I hack off a large, charred, chunk.

"Mmm, smoke flavour," salivates Maya.

"Can I maybe have a fork?"

"Fork?" Her voice is bemusement.

I grasp the steak with both hands, and tear into it with my teeth. Maya clasps her hands in excited anticipation. "Is it good? Is it helping you build back muscle?"

"T..tasty!" I admit, spitting out a little stray charcoal.

"Great! There's 99 more where that came from! Eat up!"

###

I don't feel so good… And it's just chew, chew chew…my jaw hurts! But looking at the cow… there's barely a dent in it! There's almost as much meat as before. But no, I won't give into this negativity! I can't be beaten by a ... by a COW! Still, there's this bad acid pooling in my mouth, and there's a sudden shift in my internals and a wave of something hideous seeps over me. I'll try to keep going, though.

Once Maya went to a burger eating contest, though even she didn't win. Now, what techniques did the freak who did use to stay in the game?
Damn, I can't remember! I was too busy consoling Maya and Pearls after Maya lost by throwing up…

Urgh.

I can't think of that!

Swallow.. deep breaths… keep it down… KEEP IT DOWN!

Maya's frantic eyes butt into my face.

"Nick! Oh no! You can't wimp out now, you're stronger than that! How about a stomach massage? A meditation? A spiritual energy spell?"

"Urp."

"And I'll help you finish the cow! We can do it – together! Right?"

"Ur…"

Somehow my legs have fallen out from under me.

###

Oh man.. I'm prone under an ocean of bloat. All that chewing's gotta be some kind of hallucinogenic delusion in my overfilled nightmare.. isn't it? Oh, concentrate on something else, the haze taking me away! And finally the respite must have done something, because I'm thinking I might manage to move open an eyelid without instant death.

…Aghh! I choke back the spewing disaster yelling aloud would be just in time. But it's a macabre skeletal scene straight from Hell Graveyard.

"It's almost finished, Nick! I saved you the last steak so you could cross the finish line! One more steak!"

I'm staring straight into the eyes… uh… EMPTY EYE HOLES of the eerily bare cow skull. (Did she really eat the head?)

I moan my agony.

Maya drops to my side in alarm. "Oh, I almost forgot! Is it time for that stomach massage?"

I moan my response.

Caring fingers are suddenly flying upon me. "You'll feel better soon, Nick!" she soothes with sincerity. "Feel it digesting!"

I can't help but feel and concentrate on that awkwardly unfamiliar feel of stuff slowly clogging through my intestine.

But it does seem to slowly ease it down. And suddenly I don't feel I'll erupt any more.

"You've gone all quiet," comments Maya. "Is it time to eat?" Or, have you gotten worse?"

Her voice ends all upset. It's near the last thing I feel like, but I can't bear the sad eyes, so I cede "Okay, I'll try to finish some now."

Maya beams relief, brandishing the steak. It's hard to raise my beached self, but seems I won't be required to.

"Open wide…"

"You're going to stuff the whole thing in at once?"

"Okay, I'll cut it up."

Oh, *now* she produces cutlery?
…no, with her teeth.

She holds the ripped chunk between them saucily.
"How about Tug Of War?"

"No."

She forlornly pulls it out and posts it into my mouth. I chew obediently, methodically and thoughtfully, then force a swallow. Maya's already hovering to deposit the next piece. Chew and swallow, chew and swallow, just concentrate on chewing and don't think about…

"You've gone a funny colour. Here, I'll help."

Her hands are suddenly all over me again. I'm probably about to be given esophageal massage techniques. And I have a food coach. "You can do it! Just a few more pieces! Keep chewing! Just a bit more!" (Which I'm encouragingly hand-fed.) I close my eyes. Don't think about how you feel. "And just one more! Come on, you're doing so great!" Oh, the chewing chore.. I couldn't take it any more except I can feel Maya's clutching of warm support. I focus on that.

"It's all gone!"

Good thing her excitement can do for both of us, because I can't muster any.
###

DAY 3:

I glance up at the entering Maya as I recline in the indoor hot spring – Fey Manor is the height of 13th century luxury. I felt absolutely fine after I'd thrown up the 3rd time, and the fact my stomach was empty just meant I was good to go for even more awesome cooking today! But Maya got really worried and declared today would be dedicated to my 'recuperation'. I said I hoped that meant she'd wait on me hand and foot and she seemed to take it literally rather than as I intended but I'm hardly complaining!

Previously she rafted me an impressive fruit platter for the sick and luxuriant. A pristine, oversize Nashi pear. A persimmon of gelatinous sweetness. There's an apple! And a peach! And some cherries!

"Aww, you look so comfortable in there!" I watch, captivated. Maya digs into the bowl of what she's holding with a chomp.

"Man, Nick, you're eying them like a predator! I never knew you liked blueberries so much! Oh well then – catch!"

I open my mouth as the berry's hurled toward it. The snap! of… ecstasy as the skin's blue contents spill into my mouth!

"Yay! Catch!" Is she really going to do it with all 300 of them? A strange and wonderful game… "Goal! Yay! Catch!" But this is relaxing. I don't have to do anything except stick my head out of water and chew! And the water conveniently and instantly washes away the mess! As for the blue sweet grittiness… she can't stuff them in my mouth fast enough!

"Ah! You're like a seal!" exclaims Maya adoringly. I'm briefly miffed but her face seems to say this is a good thing. "All gone," she eventually announces. "Aww, don't make that sad face. How's the pear? I think I'll try some."

SPLAT! The tidal wave washing the platter announces she's joined me, as does the pear's rapid reduction to teethmarks.

There's a subterranean waterlogged chime. "That yours, Nick?" We fish around for awhile and finally dredge up my phone. "Hello?"

"Hi Daddy!"

"Oh hello sweetie. Are you enjoying camp?"

"Yes. But there was a problem with your credit card. They said the payment didn't go through or something… But it's fine. I gave a big show about being a poor, starving orphan and the camp place let me stay for free! Isn't that great?'

"Uh… yes. That's my girl!" (What the heck is up with the card?)

"I hope you're managing to take care of yourself without me there to look after you,"

"Oh yes. Of course!" (Hey!...)

"How 'bout some apple?" suggests Maya. "Say 'Ahhh'…"

"Uh?"

"Well, your arms might get cold! Just when you're supposed to be recuperating! And you said wait on you hand and foot!"

"Not foot and mou…" CRUNCH! My choking teeth smush the foreign object up eagerly. The tangy juiciness! The crispy crunch of perfect skin and flawless flesh!

"Ooh, I knew you liked apples!"

"Where are you, Daddy?" demands Trucy sweetly.

"Oh!" (Oops, she's still there!) "Um… at.."

"Have fun! I'll be home on Friday!"

"Right." I hastily dump down the phone.

DAY 4:

I'm waiting. Waiting for Maya. In the dining room, obviously. It's almost lunchtime, and hope springs eternal. But it's Pearls who's showed up, thus far.

"So, what did you think of Mystic Maya's cooking?"

"It was AMAZING! The best things I've tasted in ages!" I find my arms gesturing dramatically. "The impeccable combinations of flavours! And.."

My eyes flit from my dissertation to Pearl's quiet giggle. "What?

"Oh that's good, Mr Nick." She laughs. "It must be true love."

"Huh?"

"I'm glad you liked it. Mystic Maya's cooking is a bit too.. creative for me."

"Nick! Nick! There you are!" Maya stumbles in obliviously. "Isn't it almost lunchtime? And guess what. Remember the Fey family specialty, the Jaw Droppingly Large Strawberry Dessert? Well, I invented a new recipe just for you! The Jaw Droppingly Larger Strawberry Dessert!"

A new recipe for me? I find myself beaming indulgently back at her and leap up, touched.

"Let's go make it right now!"