I'm never writing fics at 3 in the morning and editing them the next day after a chocolate feast again. I can't believe I misspellled Johnny Fontane. That is inexcusable. And who exactly keeps their tea bags in the fridge? (no offence to anyone who does... it's just a bit weird) So, to reiterate, no more writing at 3 am and editing after chocolate the next day. Ever. Starting right after this chappie. ^^;


"Happy?" The Creation cocked his head curiously as Columbia tentatively prodded the frozen treat with her finger.

Not only had The Creation failed to retrieve a spoon – he'd only gone and brought the most vile and inhumane flavour of Frank's calorie-free ice cream collection. She attempted to arrange her grimace into a smile as she cringed at the urine coloured box with 'Cream-Free Ice Cream. Air Flavoured.' Splattered in a no-nonsense Times New Roman font across the front.

"Ooooh, er, yum…?" she blanched as she attempted to scrape a small shred of the rock-hard substance with a chipped nail.

The Creation smiled helpfully, "Let me," and then, before Columbia could protest, he drove his hand into the block of ice and scooped out a huge chunk of frozen-solid gloop.

Columbia laughed nervously as he thrust his hand in her face, "Wow, you sure got yourself a neat party piece there, huh?"

"Eat?" he prompted, trying to shove the mound of yuk into her resisting mouth.

"Actually, uh… Mr... erm, Creation (?) I'm not really that hungry anymore, but thanks a bundle for getting it for me I really –"

But The Creation cut her off with a thoughtful frown and another speedy lumber to the freezer.

Geez, that boy just doesn't give up!

"This right?" he asked, his eyes getting all buggy and pleading.

Columbia hoped it was.

She took the offered tub and peeked at the label.

Oh no! she mentally drooped. Of course, he had to go and get the only tub worse than Frank's inedible Cream-Free. Columbia couldn't hide her disgust as she held the tub away at arms length, desperately putting as much distance between herself and the khaki coloured cylinder of pure evil. Cream-Free Ice Cream. Now Without Ice! Chalk Flavoured.

The Creation's brow furrowed until it skimmed the bridge of his nose as he gauged Columbia's reaction, "Wrong again?" he didn't even wait for an answer before shooting off back into the icy chamber and reappearing just as quickly, his strong arms brimming with ice cream tubs.

"Um, thanks," she grinned and began inspecting labels.

Frozen Calamari – You Can't Have Just Eight! screamed a dodgy smelling carton from the 40's.

Nope.

Soylant Slurps – Man Made proclaimed another – and then, in a much finer print underneath… An Associate Of Sweeney/Lovett Industries

Definitely not.

Polyjuice Pops – You'll Feel Like A Different Person! called out a comparatively normal looking tub. Columbia curiously read the ingredients and shuddered.

Don't think so.

Columbia sighed as she perused the rest of the selection. There was nothing there that remotely interested her – never mind her precious Deep Fried Chocolate Bubblegum Milkshake. She shook her head sadly and pushed the pile away from her prone position on the floor (except the original Cream-Free – she kept that to reduce the swelling on her poor toe), "Sorry to have wasted your time," she told the eager Creation, "Look, why don't you let me go and -"

But she was again interrupted as The Creation's lip wobbled dangerously before he burst into tears.

"Oh no! Don't cry!" she yelped, jumping up to hug him fiercely, "It's only ice cream!"

But The Creation just howled louder and shook his head, "Teacher right! I useless!" he wailed.

"Oh no! No you're not!" she hugged him tighter, ignoring the pain as she stretched up to her tiptoes in an attempt to bury her head into his shoulder. Damn, shortness, "You're teacher's wrong! Look, the swelling went down in my toe thanks to you!" The Creation smiled a bit, "Of course," she added thoughtfully, unable to help herself, "Your tank did cause the swelling…"

The Creation bawled even louder as Columbia winced at her word-vomit.

"Sorry, sorry! I'm always putting my foot in my mouth!"

The Creation paused to give her an odd look.

"Uh, not literally!" she added hastily, which seemed to make him cry even harder.

"Useless and stupid. Just as Teacher say!"

Columbia puffed up and flushed red with hatred. She spun the surprised hunk around and wagged her finger at him, "Now, see here… Mr. Creation. You are not stupid! You are not useless! It's your goddamned teacher who is stupid useless! And mean! And spiteful! And fat. And ugly… and a man-whore," she added for good measure.

"What man-whore?" The Creation asked curiously, his tears halted momentarily.

"You'll find out soon enough," Columbia thought of Frank and his impure intentions regarding this big, naïve sweetie, "But the point is – it's your teacher's fault that you can't find the right ice cream! Has he taught you to read?" The Creation shook his head dazedly, "Has he taught you which ice cream I prefer?" Another bemused head shake, "Mmhhmm, didn't think so. So how can you be expected to find me the right ice cream? There's about a hundred different brands in that freezer. A thousand different products and a million different flavours! And I'm guessing your teacher didn't teach you our special colour-coded system to finding the right one," she didn't give him long enough to shake his poor confused noggin, "So, we can only conclude – due to the overwhelming, er, substantial," Columbia grinned goofily at her vocabulary, "amount of evidence, that you are indeed neither stupid nor useless – and that your teacher is both stupid and/or useless with the added negatives of being spiteful, fat, ugly, a man-whore and a butt-head," she finished importantly, feeling like a modern Atticus Finch.

The Creation blinked at her absently before unexpectedly leaning in for a smooch.

"Whoa!" Columbia yelled in a surprisingly low tone of voice (well, low for her, normal for everyone else), "What was that?" she spluttered, totally caught of guard by the sudden affectionate turn things were taking.

The Creation shrugged, "Teacher and Curly Lady do it all time," The Creation babbled bashfully, obviously realising that he'd committed a faux pas, "They enjoy it. Scary Lady try do it to me – but I not enjoy it…," he blushed even harder until he was practically purple, "But I enjoy it with you…," he whispered.

"Oh… Mr. Creation…," Columbia whispered in a small voice, unsure if he even heard her. Maybe… maybe… maybe it would work out this time? Thid time's a charm, after all… but then… what if it doesn't… was it possible for a heart to be broken three times in less than a year? She shook her head resolutely. Isn't that what you thought when you started getting feelings for Eddie? What was it you said? 'Lightening never strikes twice' was it? 'I've already been crushed once this year, what's the odds of it happening again?' did you say? Or was it 'Was it possible for a heart to be broken twice in one year'? Tell me, I'm very curious… A little voice that sounded surprisingly like Magenta in mother-hen mode piped up, silencing all the other little niggly nagging going on.

So instead of re-enacting her and Eddie's first union, she coughed awkwardly and changed the subject, "So… where'd you get those shorts? They don't look like the normal Denton-attire.

A small tear of rejection slid almost invisibly down The Creation's face as he realised what was happening. He'd witnessed a similar scene between Curly Lady and Scary Lady just the other day. He also had some weird, blurry half-memories of cheerleaders and biker chicks using cruel words like 'Fatty' and 'Slob' and 'Who does he think he's kidding with that hair!' that he didn't quite understand. But these flashbacks were fleeting and full of Sky Sheep, so The Creation generally just ignored them.

Columbia shuffled uncomfortably as The Creation stared, beetroot red, at the floor and didn't make any sign that he'd heard her.

"Um… I'll just, like, go get the ice cream…?" she didn't know why she'd turned it into a question. She really didn't.

The Creation nodded without looking up as Columbia backed slowly away towards the freezer, "Ok… I'm going… to get the ice cream… from the freezer… over here… where I'm going… to get the ice cream… because that's where it is…," she babbled awkwardly, breathing a sigh of relief when she backed up against the scarlet door and had an excuse to slip out of sight.

If I live to be 10032 I'll never forget the look on that poor creature's face… and that I put it there… she thought sadly.

Sighing and looking up, she froze (pun intended) as she realised that she wasn't alone in the freezer.

or this. I definitely won't forget this either… she thought as she found herself face to face with Eddie.


SOYLANT GREEN IS PEOPLE, ahem, but Soylant Slurps are OK by me! :D

I don't know what happened during this... it went through so many changes... there was one very weird version were Columbia ripped Rocky's face off to see if Eddie was wearing a mask... (or maybe I dreamed that...)

Anyhoo...

Atticus Finch - Lawyer from To Kill A Mockingbird

Polyjuice - Potion in Harry Potter that changes your appearance

Soylant - GREEN IS PEOPLE! *cough*

Sky Sheep - Clouds. As in "But these flashbacks were fleeting and cloudy"

Calamari - Squid dish. Yum.

Try and guess who 'Teacher', 'Curly Lady' and 'Scary Lady' all are.