Chapter 2: Elise?
Chris sat on his sofa watching TV.
"Ahh, just what I need," he said to no one in particular, before he was interrupted by a loud banging on his front door. He sighed and went to answer it. As he opened the door, he was wholly unsurprised to see his short, irritable friend standing on his stoop, elbows around his ears, fists clenched, face swirling with rage. "Oh, hey Dan."
"WHY DIDN'T YOU ANSWER MY CALLS?!" Dan shouted.
"Nice to see you, too," Chris replied nonchalantly. "I made this whole big deal about disconnecting for the day, so my office won't call me. Didn't you see my FaceBook status?"
"You know I don't use the internet anymore," Dan replied.
"I sent you like 3 or 4 texts to that effect," Chris answered, confused.
"Whatever," Dan replied, "At any rate, I didn't approve it."
"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know I had to vet my personal decisions through you now!" Chris exclaimed, exasperated.
"While, I don't appreciate your sarcastic tone, I accept your apology," Dan said, clearly aloof to the fact the Chris was being entirely sarcastic. "I have bigger fish to fry." Chris rolled his eyes.
"OK, Dan, who is it this time?" Chris asked, resigned to his inevitable conspiratorial status.
"I am going to take what is rightfully mine from the thief Cave Johnson and his company," Dan said, which gave Chris pause.
"Wait, Cave Johnson, as in, Aperture Laboratories Cave Johnson?" Chris asked, doubting
"You know this charlatan?" Dan said.
"Not, personally, but I know of him," Chris replied. "He's that crazy guy on TV trying to convince people to invest money in his company to advance research on that weird gun of his."
"The Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device," Dan corrected. "He promised me that if I gave him a thousand dollars he would give me one."
"Actually, Dan, the ads explicitly state that your investment will reserve you a spot in line to buy one, like Packers tickets," Chris revised.
"You KNEW about this?" Dan said again.
"Yeah, I've seen the commercials," Chris admitted. "Anyway, where did you get a thousand dollars to invest in this scheme?"
"Didn't your parents tell you not to ask about money?" Dan admonished. "If you must know it came from a trust fund my granny left me, the jerk," Dan added, the last words dripping with disdain. "'Oh, I'll leave you a bunch of money, but you can't access it for 20 years,'" Dan mimicked in his most obnoxious voice. "The penalties would have been worth it for a Portal Gun."
"WAIT," Chris said, nonplussed. "You had a trust fund this whole TIME?"
"Again with the asking about money," Dan said.
"How much is this trust fund worth, pray tell?" Chris inquired.
"God, so nosey," Dan muttered. "I'm not entirely sure. When I withdrew the money, the value was hovering right around $100,000."
Chris was thunderstruck.
"You're... telling me...," Chris began, rage slowly building, "that you've had $100,000 hidden in a trust fund, And I've, HAD TO PAY, FOR YOUR REVENGE SCHEMES!?"
"Augh, you don't have to yell," Dan replied, "and given that the interest is continually compounding, even at today's anemic rates it's probably more than that by now."
"WE, are going to have a VERY serious discussion, about money, when this is over with," Chris panted, his speech punctuated with pauses.
"Again with this money thing?" Dan asked. "It's not polite to discuss money; I've told you this."
At that moment Elise walked in.
"Oh, hey, Dan," she said, then turning to Chris. "What's wrong, hon?"
As Chris was about to unleash a torrent of monetarily-linked rage, Dan jumped in.
"I have been cheated by Aperture Laboratories, and I am enlisting Chris's help in seeking my revenge," he replied. Chris took exception to this.
"Oh, you can fu - " Chris began before he was cut off by Elise.
"Aperture Laboratories?" Elise asked. "As in, Cave Johnson, CEO and Founder of? Aperture Laboratories, renowned applied science company?"
"You've heard of them, too?" Dan asked, flabbergasted. "Why didn't anyone tell me when somebody made a breakthrough that would make doors, windows, and cars obsolete?" Chris had somewhat regained his composure by this point.
"Dan, they've been playing those ads for six months now," he replied, exasperated. "And the media has been talking about it for two and a half years."
"Oh, now you tell me," Dan replied.
Elise stepped closer to Dan.
"Sooo, Dan," Elise said casually, "what exactly are you planning to do to Aperture Laboratories?"
"I am going to break into their headquarters and take what is rightfully mine," Dan said.
"Excellent!" Elise exclaimed, completely failing to hide her enthusiasm, before reversing herself. "Oh, I mean... good. Say, would you like some help with that?"
"No one can stop me!" Dan exclaimed. "Not you, not Chris, not... huh?"
"Yeah. My... office, has been trying to nail them for years," Elise explained. "We suspect them of tax fraud, as well as possible human rights violations."
"The FIENDS!" Dan cried. "How can society hope to function if each man does not pay his fair share?"
Chris glared at Dan.
"What?" Dan replied.
"At any rate," Elise said, taking back the conversation, "we have tried to get a man on the inside at Aperture several times, but all of our field agents have disappeared."
"Y'know, hon, I never asked, where do you work?" Chris asked.
"Uhhhh... Department of Justice?" Elise answered, hoping this answer would placate her husband.
"Well, as much as I would appreciate the help," Dan began, shifting the topic of conversation away from Elise's job (she hoped her relief didn't show), "I have no desire to work with the federal government in any capacity. There's too much... unpleasantness."
"Oh, don't worry," Elise said, "this would be completely off the record."
"Well, in that case," said Dan, "the more, the merrier!"
