(A/N: Hello everybody! Due to the enormous amount of positive feedback I have received on this one-shot, plus 6 wonderful people who took the time to visit my profile and vote yes for an extended chapter, I wrote an Epilogue. Thank you to all 38 of my wonderful reviewers, you all made me overwhelmed with joy. I was hoping for five, maybe ten reviews at most on this, but instead I got nearly 40, some even over a month after I posted it. Plus over 1,000 hits and 55 favs! I was sincerely shocked by its popularity. Thank you guys so much! I hope you like the extension just as much as the original story. Enjoy!)
My New Challenge If You Choose to Accept It: Read the Epilogue without laughing, giggling, put your hand to your mouth to suppress giggling, stuffing a pillow in you mouth to suppress giggling, moving your hands in wild gestures, snorting, biting your fingers, holding your breath, biting your tongue and/or your lip, smirking, showing teeth, grinning, smiling, eating peanut butter or going to the bathroom. HA! Like to see you do THAT!
Voldemort stared at the body of his mortal enemy warily, unnerved by the creepy maniacal smile on the boys face. Could he really be dead? Could he have actually killed Harry Potter?
Carefully, the Dark Lord approached the body, wand afloat and at the ready, prepared to curse the boy at the slightest hint of movement…
Oh, yeah! C'mon! You get the limo out front. Ooo oo oo!
Voldemort stopped in his tracks, the Elder Wand swiveling around madly, trying to locate the source of the sudden dialogue to curse it. Red eyes wide, he realized it was…music?
Yeah when you're famous it can be kind of fun. It's really you but no one ever discooooovers. In some ways you're just like all your friends. But on stage you're a stttaaaarrr! You get the beessstt of both worlds. Chill it out, take it slow, then you rock out the show, you get the bessstt of both worlds. Mix it all together and you know that it's the best of both worlds.
"What is this?" Voldemort hissed angrily, still trying to find the source of the blasted music.
"It's…it's music my Lord," Lucius said unhelpfully.
"I know its music you twit," Voldemort growled.
He continued to try and find the source of the infuriating tune, but was interrupted by suppressed giggles. He rounded on his Death Eaters, eyes flashing.
"What are you all laughing at?" he snapped.
They all immediately shut up, averting their eyes from his fiery red ones. The music continued to play in the background, causing Voldemort's urge to a) smash whatever was playing the song to smithereens and b) murder someone to increase.
You go to movie premieres. Is that Orlando Bloom? Hear your songs on the raadioo. Whoa whoa a whoa o. Living two lives is a little weird... yeah. But school's cool 'cause nobody know-o-s. Nobody knows.
"You," Voldemort said, pointing at the first Death Eater he saw. It was Dolohov, who seemed genuinely horrified to be singled out. "Why was everyone laughing?"
"M-my Lord?" the wizard sputtered.
Voldemort's eyes narrowed. "I asked," he hissed, "why everyone was laughing. I am still speaking English, am I not?"
Dolohov looked around nervously, but no one came to his rescue. Gulping, he looked at Voldemort. "It's…it's Hannah Montana, my Lord," he said, breaking out into a sweat and trying to hold back a laugh at the same time.
Voldemort cocked his head. "Who?" he asked, confused.
"S-she's a Muggle singer," Dolohov explained. "Pop music."
"Pop music," the Dark Lord repeated, running the new word off his tongue. He listened to a few bars of the tune for a minute.
Yeah, you get to be a small town girl, but big time when you play your guitaaarrr!
Pop music. It was kind of…catchy.
Curious, Voldemort listened intently to the song for a moment, before swiveling around, finally locating the source of the tune.
It was coming from the boy!
Carefully, warily, Voldemort bent down over the boys lifeless body, cocking his head in curiosity at the glowing blue light coming from the boys robe pocket. Unable to resist his curiosity a second longer, he extended his long white fingers into the pocket, pulling out the glowing object carefully.
Standing to his full height once again, Voldemort studied the object. It was small and rectangular, its face portraying an image of a blond woman holding her finger up in a "sshhh" motion on her very red lips, looking sideways at an insignia that read "Hannah Montana" in gold and purple lettering.
Fascinated, Voldemort poked the surface of the object and almost dropped it when the music abruptly stopped, and image of two parallel lines blinked up at him. Red eyes wide, he touched it again and a sideways triangle appeared as the music resumed. Entranced by this amazing device Voldemort tapped the screen in a variety of different places, causing the music to play on and off like a broken record, until the picture of the woman suddenly disappeared, replaced by another screen with many different icons.
All the Death Eaters crowded around him, staring at the rectangular device with a mixture of curiosity and confusion.
"Isn't that some sort of Muggle device?" someone asked.
"I dunno, they make some odd contraptions," another answered.
Voldemort ignored them, looking at each individual icon in confusion, furious that he had no idea what they meant. Randomly, he picked one, a blue square with a large white F. Immediately another image popped up, causing Voldemort's eyes to narrow.
It was of Harry Potter, a photo of his young face, his messy hair all over the place, scar very noticeable on his forehead. His eyes were crossed behind his circular glasses, and he was sticking his tongue out defiantly at Voldemort. Next to the photo, it said: Harry Potter (The Boy Who Lived)
Furious, but yet intrigued, Voldemort looked at the rest of the screen. After a moment, he wished he hadn't. It was some sort of bio. A "Facebook page" whatever that was.
Harry James Potter. Boy Who Lived, Chosen One.
Occupation: Being Awesome
Status: Like this if you think Voldemort needs a nose job.
300k likes.
Likes: Witchcraft, sorcery, magic, Hannah Montana, Miley Cyrus, Big Time Rush, Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, 1D, 5SOS, J Biebs
Dislikes: Voldemort's face
Groups: Haters Of He Who Must Not Be Named
Furious at the flow of insults, Voldemort chucked the device into the woods. "Stupid Muggle contraption!" he yelled after it, seething with rage.
He rounded to face Harry's dead body, black robes billowing as he followers hurriedly retreated. Glaring at the seventeen year old, Voldemort wished he could kill him all over again. Instead, he could do something even better. Potter was dead. And now he could humiliate the boy even more.
Crouching down, Voldemort carefully placed the tip of the Elder Wand on the boys forehead, preparing the curse…
"SIKE!"
Voldemort shrieked as his snake-like nose was pinched cruelly from below, causing him to lose his grip on the Elder Wand. He reeled back, clutching his nose in pain.
Eyes watering, the Dark Lord could just make out the form of Harry Potter rising nonchalantly from the forest ground, dusting off his robes carelessly before giving Voldemort a lopsided grin.
"'Ello, Tommy Boy," he said, his familiar voice confirming Voldemort's worst fear. "Did you miss me?"
Forgetting all about his throbbing double-slit for a nose, Voldemort's eyes blazed as he stared at Harry with a mixture of disbelievement in rage. "How?" he shrieked, throwing his hands up in frustration. "How is it that every time I try to kill you you never stay dead!"
Harry shrugged. "I dunno," he said. "Maybe it's a medical condition."
Voldemort's eye twitched angrily. "I'm going to murder you," he hissed.
Harry rolled his eyes. "So you said multiple times before hitting me with the Killing Curse last time. Can we move on please?"
Eyes ablaze with rage, Voldemort reached for his wand - his wand…
Eyes widening, Voldemort dug in his robe, trying to desperately to find his wand. Where was it?
Smirking, Harry raised his hand. "Looking for this?" he asked, twirling the Deathstick easily in his fingers.
Voldemort stared at him, shaking with rage. "Give me the wand," he ordered. "Now."
"Or what?" Harry asked, flicking a piece of dust carelessly off the tip of the wooden, all-powerful rod. "You'll kill me? I think we've been over this already."
"Give me the wand, Potter," Voldemort repeated, voice becoming deadly.
"Eh, don't feel like it."
"GIVE IT TO ME!"
Harry smirked at Voldemort for half a moment, before holding up the wand parallel to the ground for all to see, putting a hand on either end, and snapping it.
Voldemort just stared in horror, lipless mouth forming a giant O.
Narcissa leaned into her husband. "Oh, no he di-dn't," she whispered.
"Oh, yes he di-id," Lucius whispered back
Harry's smile widened as he then promptly dropped the wand, stepping on it and cracking it more for good measure, before wiping his hands on his pants. "Oops," he said sarcastically. "It looks like I broke your whittle magic wand, V."
That snapped Voldemort out of it. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?"
"Um, well, I'm pretty sure I destroyed your wand," Harry pointed out.
"That was the Elder Wand!" The Dark Lord exploded. "The Deathstick! The most powerful wand in the world!"
Harry raised an eyebrow. "What's your point?"
Voldemort's eyes seemed to leak fire. If he were in a cartoon, Harry wouldn't have been surprised to see smoke coming out of his ears.
"I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU!" Voldemort screamed, lunging at Harry in his rage and aiming angrily for his neck. Harry calmly sidestepped him, expertly stepping on the edge of his robes as the Dark Lord passed and causing the Dark Wizard to fall flat on his face.
"Gotta catch me first!" Harry giggled, taking off in a sprint through the forest.
"GET HIM!" Voldemort shrieked.
All the Death Eaters took after Harry, the slightly chubbier ones taking the rear at a jog, accompanied by a panting Fattymort.
When the evil procession of wizards (finally) reached the castle, Voldemort took the lead, red eyes scanning the courtyard for his prey. "Potter!" he yelled. "Show yourself! You cannot hide from me forever!"
"Wasn't planning on it," Harry said, sauntering out of the entrance hall with his smirk still plastered to his face, the whole of the DA, Order of the Phoenix and the Hogwarts army trailing behind him.
The two sides faced off. Harry versus Voldemort. Dumbledore's Army, Hogwarts and the Order of the Phoenix versus the Death Eaters. Good versus evil. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly music playing in the background…wait, what?
All eyes turned to Ron.
"What?" the redhead said defensively, stopping his dramatic whistling. "It fit the mood!"
Harry rolled his eyes and the stare off continued as Harry and Voldemort circled each other, the classic Western tune reaching a higher, dramatic pitch as the nemesis's pointed their wands at each other.
"I'm going to kill you," Voldemort hissed gleefully.
Harry rolled his eyes again. "Yeah, what else is new? Can't you come up with something a little more original? Cut my hand off? Take my soul? Slash me into millions of pieces? Mummify me like the Egyptians? I dunno, just be a little more creative, Tommy."
Voldemort shot a curse at him. Harry ducked deftly. The curse hit a bust of some wizard that nobody cared about above them, which promptly fell from its post onto Voldemort's head, the medieval wig hanging lopsided on Voldemort's bald white top.
Harry stopped; staring in utter amazement, mouth forming a mesmerized O.
"It's a miracle!" he gasped, eyes wide. "Tom! You actually have hair!"
Voldemort let out an enraged cry, throwing the bust off of him and shooting another curse at Harry.
Harry did an easy cartwheel out of the way, sticking his tongue out at Voldemort as he went.
"I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!" Voldemort screamed.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Harry yawned mockingly, pretending to be bored as he dodged green jets of light. "Let's switch things around, shall we? How about I kill you?"
Voldemort was aghast. "You can't kill me," he sputtered. "I am immortal! I still have a Horcrux! You have failed!"
"Nagini?" Harry asked. "You mean your snake over there?" He pointed behind Tom, who spun around just in time to see Neville behead his snake with the Sword of Gryffindor.
"Ha!" The Gryffindor screamed at the dead serpent. "Take that you no-legged amphibian!"
"Actually, Neville," Luna observed. "I think it's a reptile."
"NOOOO!" Voldemort screamed, rounding on Harry with renewed anger.
Harry simply smirked at him. "Made you look," he giggled. "Not so immortal now, are we?"
"I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!"
Harry rolled his eyes. "Should I just kill him now?" he whispered sideways to Ron. "Or should I blast Justin Bieber's Baby in his ears first?"
"Nah," Ron said. "Let's just bury him wearing a JB wig. It'll destroy his rep."
"Shall we spray silly string on his grave as well?"
"Yep."
"And decorate it with pretty, girly flowers and little angels?"
"Let's do it, mate."
"Alright, then," Harry grinned, straightening his posture and raising his wand as he advanced on Voldemort till they were just a couple feet apart.
"Ready to die yet, Tom?" he asked.
"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! AVADA KEDAVRA!"
Harry rolled his eyes, flicking his wand lazily. "Expelliarumus," he said halfheartedly.
The red and green collided…and then the green started to become overpowered by the red…
"Nighty night V," Harry said as the green light curved away from him. "Don't let the bedbugs bite!"
"NOOOO!" Voldemort yelled as he saw the flash of green of his own curse coming at him, lighting up the smirking face of Harry Potter, the last thing he ever saw.
And that was the end of the infamous Lord Voldemort.
