Chapter 2
Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin
A/N: guest, this is definitely a Kenshin/Kaoru fic, the site just put the names in alphabetical order. Also, there will be more chapters after this one, just to let you know. Thank you everyone for the reviews and follows! Now, on to the story
Kaoru slowly rolled off her futon, weariness in every inch of her body. Anger, jealousy, and sadness had combined to give her a restless night. Sleep had eluded her as she tossed and turned, unable to quiet her thoughts. Sighing, she dressed in her practice clothes and peeked out the window. Although the sun hadn't risen yet, she could tell that it would be a dreary day, clouds hanging low, heavy with the promise of more rain.
Figuring that the other occupants of the dojo, she headed to the kitchen to leave a note, only to be startled by the sight of Kenshin already at the stove, humming quietly. She paused in the doorway, taking a moment to quietly observe him, allowing herself the simple pleasure of just watching him, drinking in his every move. She knew that he was the deadly Battousai, something that he'd proved repeatedly, but somehow, he'd always seemed more alive and whole when he was doing little tasks, their clean simplicity more fulfilling than anything else.
Right then, he turned and saw her standing in the doorway. He stared at her for a moment before offering her a hesitant smile. "Good morning, Kaoru-dono."
She smiled back slightly, unable to resist. "Morning, Kenshin. What are you doing up so early?"
He fidgeted slightly, "Well, Yahiko said that you didn't eat last night, so I thought I'd get up a little early and make breakfast in cause you woke up early and were hungry, that I did. It won't take long to whip something up if you want to sit and chat with me?"
She saw a cautiously hopeful look in his eyes and hated the fact that she was going to have to refuse. Especially after he'd dropped the sessha. It was an ongoing argument between them, but she'd finally worn him down enough to the point where he'd agreed to drop the sessha when it was just the residents of the dojo present, and there had been only a few slips. "I'm sorry, Kenshin. I always fast today. It's a tradition. I'll be in the dojo room all day meditating. I was headed there now."
She saw that she'd surprised him. Unwilling to answer any questions right now, she offered him another slight smile and slipped out of the room.
Kk
Kenshin hadn't slept, worried about Kaoru. He'd risen before dawn, heading to the kitchen in the hopes that occupying his hands would help his mind to settle. Besides, Kaoru hadn't eaten the night before, so she'd probably wake up starving. It soothed and pleased the needy part of him that wanted so desperately to belong when he watched her and Yahiko eat his cooking. He gathered the ingredients for Kaoru's favorite breakfast, humming absently as he worked.
Feeling a slight movement behind him, he turned to see Kaoru standing framed in the doorway. He paused for a second, the sight of her causing his heart to leap, before offering a quiet good morning. Her smile warmed him, even though the slight dark circles under her eyes caused him to frown internally. When she'd asked why he was up, he scrambled for an answer, unwilling to admit that he hadn't slept. Suddenly it clicked in his mind that no one else was around, the perfect opportunity to figure out what was worrying her. Remembering that she disliked it when he called himself sessha, he explained about breakfast and asked her to chat with him.
He held his breath, uncertain how she'd react after disappearing on him the night before. He felt his heart drop at the reluctant refusal in her eyes. However, he was confused when she spoke about fasting and tradition. As far as he knew, there was nothing special about today. But before he could gather his wits enough to question her, she'd smiled again and slipped silently out of the room. He started to go after her, but stopped himself. Forcing Kaoru didn't work well, best case scenario she just walked away, worst case, you ended up with multiple lumps and your head spinning. Still, returning to his cooking, he prayed that he was making the right choice.
Kk
Kaoru entered the dojo, sliding the shoji firmly shut behind her. Taking a deep breath, she stood and listened to the gentle drum of rain on the roof, allowing the sound to center herself. Feeling a little more settled, more herself, she moved across the room and sat cross legged in the center of the room. Making herself comfortable, she started regulating her breathing and closed her eyes.
Today was her twentieth birthday. It was Kamiya tradition to fast on this day, thinking over the past year, counting their blessings, relieving their trials, and gathering strength and comfort from the fact that they'd made it through another year. It had been a tradition for as long as she could remember. One of her earliest memories had been of doing it on her third birthday, her father sitting at her side. He'd been gentle on her, only insisting on an hour for each year instead of a whole day, but by her seventh birthday, she was fasting for the whole day.
She'd always found that this tradition had helped center her, make sense of her life. However, she had missed two years and she'd found that she'd really missed it. The first year that she'd missed had been during the trip to find Kenshin when he'd left to fight Shishio. On the ship, there simply wasn't the privacy necessary to meditate. The second year, she'd been in Enishi's keeping. She supposed that she could've meditated, but she hadn't trusted Enishi and had wanted to be ready at a moment's notice when Kenshin came for her.
Pushing those thoughts aside, she started. The first thing that she thought of was her father's death. He was her only family and his loss had cut deep. He'd been the one person in the world that had always loved her unconditionally. When word came that he'd died and she chose to live alone rather than marry or sell the dojo, the neighbors had started looking at her differently, with pity and contempt. She'd brushed aside the whispers and glances, what had hurt was returning to the silence of the dojo, knowing that her father's warm presence would never fill the house again. On the other side, she was so grateful for the years that she'd had him. Those years had formed her character and honor and she was so glad that she'd had such a great man to follow. Long overdue, she recited the traditional prayers for him, for happiness and that he would rest in peace. She felt peace enter her as she realized that although she'd lost him, he was with her mother again, a woman that he'd pined for since the day she'd passed away, the mother that he'd taught her to love and cherish with his stories of her.
She recalled the year of silence, of seeing the students slip away, of trying to keep the dojo and her father's legacy alive. She remembered the nights she'd woken from a dead sleep, stifling a scream, only to remember that there was no one to wake. Seeing her savings dwindle to nothing and her meals become less and less. Hunger, once an unknown sensation, appeared more and more. The whispers of her neighbors hurt, but it was someone using the name of Kamiya for violence that made her see red. But it was the silence, the aloneness that had shaken her.
Then Kenshin had appeared, literally saving her life. She'd been so desperate at that point. She didn't care what he'd done, what he was atoning for, she craved human contact. Her father had always said that she was a good judge of character and his presence soothed her, eased the ache of missing her father. Miracle of miracles, he had agreed to stay, seeming to be willing to put up with her brashness, her lack of feminine skills, and her temper. She'd never been good at making friends, too apt to act first and then think later. He was always worried that his past put her in danger, but the truth was, he'd opened up her world, made it such a brighter place. First Yahiko, an annoying, stubborn younger brother. Then Sano, a brash, lazy, protective older brother. They'd brought life back into her house with their bickering and tantrums, but she'd felt the tight fist of loneliness around her heart ease. Then there was Megumi. This made the corner of her lips lift in a smirk. She'd didn't know what to make of her at first. Megumi loved to torment her, her loveliness and attention to Kenshin driving Kaoru mad. But as time went on, she'd been drawn more and more to the wily older woman, finding her remarkably grounded and willing to give Kaoru advice, though still with a hefty dose of teasing. She'd almost consider her a big sister. For an only child, this new family of hers could be so overwhelming, but she basked in love that was this unusual family of hers.
Then Kenshin had left, turning her world upside down. She still winced at how badly she'd fallen apart. It had scared her, the depth of hurt that she'd felt when he'd left. It was equal to when she'd learned that her father had died. It was then that she realized exactly how deeply she'd fallen in love with him. Thankfully, her family had pulled her out of her depression and set her back on the right path. She'd never been that far, but for him, she'd traveled to Kyoto. She'd met Misao, the sister of her heart, another girl raised as a warrior against conventional beliefs. They'd fought against Shishio and won, but Kaoru hadn't been able to draw a deep breath until they were all back at the dojo. It'd been a hard fight, but they'd all come through, stronger than before. Kenshin'd withdrawn, still worried about his past, but after a few months he'd eased up slightly and started smiling naturally again.
It'd been a year and while there'd been battles, they'd healed and Kenshin was coming out of his shell. There had even been a few times when he'd accidentally dropped the sessha from his speech. Kaoru was extremely hopeful that maybe he was finally starting to forgive himself. Then Enishi had appeared. Her heart sunk as she remembered the reappearance of Kenshin's self-hatred. But the greatest shock of all had been the revelation of Tomoe. She supposed that she'd been naïve, never considering the fact that Kenshin could have loved someone else. And the way that she'd died. It all suddenly clicked into place about why Kenshin acted the way he did. She'd felt her heart break for him as her hope for their future turned into ashes. But she'd learned from before. This time she didn't go to pieces, but held herself together for him. She loved him enough to be what he needed, not place her desires on him. When she'd been abducted, she'd been torn between hope and despair. She knew that he'd come for her, but did he only see a dead woman when he looked at her, like Enishi. She'd never revealed to anyone how hard that time on the island had been for her. The isolation had started her old ghosts whispering again. Also, she was used to being busy and there was nothing for her to do. She'd tried to keep herself busy, but thought's about the mysterious Tomoe and Kenshin together kept creeping back in.
In the end, Kenshin had come for her and she'd felt a cautious ember of hope flicker to life in her heart. She was shocked to learn that they'd thought that she was dead. After chewing out Kenshin and Sano thoroughly for leaving Yahiko alone, she'd soothed and reassured them. She couldn't even imagine the shock that they'd gone through. The thought of believing one of her friends dead shook her to the core and the thought of Kenshin dead… It was the stuff of nightmares for weeks for her. Sano had departed not long after they'd returned, but she suspected that it was mainly because he didn't want to bring trouble to the dojo as much as wanting to see the world, he was protective like that. As it was, Kenshin and Yahiko had had trouble letting her out of sight for months afterwards. Somehow, although it was a complete mystery to her how, she'd become their rock, their safe place.
It had taken time to heal from that incident. Kaoru learned to be patient with Yahiko and Kenshin insisting on someone always being with her, their fear of losing her clearly displayed in their eyes. They'd accepted her sudden aversion to certain foods without comment. Gradually, they spoke of their separate experiences, drawing strength from the others silent support. Something had broken in Kenshin, he'd withdrawn into himself, wasn't sleeping, wasn't eating. He'd thought that he'd done a good job of hiding his nightmares, but Kaoru and Yahiko had known. This had gone on for weeks after they'd returned home and he was growing gaunt, his eyes haunted. Growing frustrated and worried, she'd finally decided to approach the matter with her usual straightforwardness. Finding him sitting on the porch after one of his nightmares, huddling as small as he could make himself, Kaoru had finally had enough. Grabbing her shinai, she tapped him firmly on the head. He'd whirled on her, his eyes a hot feral amber, only to be drawn up short by the fact that it was her standing there. She'd forced a grin, even though her heart was hurting. She'd sat and when he'd mumbled and tried to leave, she'd grabbed his hand and pulled him down beside her. She knew that only his reluctance to her hurt kept him from running away, so she took full advantage of that. Keeping her hand entwined with his, she leaned against his shoulder and told him quietly but firmly that they were family and family stood by each other. He didn't have to speak about it, but that she'd never judge him for any of his past. No matter what had happened or would happen, she was honored to know the man that he was now. And that she wasn't going to break, go away, or die. But she wasn't going to let him hurt himself anymore. This had shocked him speechless and then he'd finally broken down. They didn't speak, she simply held him as he cried. She wasn't foolish enough to think that everything would be better, but it was a start.
By unspoken agreement, they never talked about that night, but gradually things had started getting better. Kenshin had started eating again and his nightmares had diminished with time. He'd even opened up slightly about his past, mainly about places he'd been or Hiko, but a few times he'd talked about Tomoe and his life with her. Kaoru was honored when he took her to see Tomoe's grave, knowing that he trusted her, even if he still did not trust himself.
That had been months ago. She'd been worried at the start that he'd leave again, slip away in the dead of night to keep them safe. When she'd finally worked up the courage to approach him about it, he smiled and gently squeezed her hand, promising that he wouldn't be wandering for a while yet, that he'd tell her when he was thinking about it. He hadn't promised forever, but her fear of him suddenly leaving was gone. It had taken time, but they'd gradually slipped into their old routines, a level of normalcy returning to their lives.
She sighed. That was the problem, nothing had changed. She was still in love with Kenshin, but she was beginning to doubt that he'd ever return her feelings, especially after learning about Tomoe. However, lately she'd been feeling restless, like her time was running out. It was unfair, but in their culture, when a woman turned twenty and was still unmarried, she was considered an old maid. She was either too poor or there was something wrong with her. She knew that the dojo had made her an appealing candidate, but her fierce independent nature scared men off. She loved Kenshin with all her heart, but she wanted more. She wanted children running around, learning her family's sword style. She wanted a husband that would love her and protect her. She wanted to leave a legacy. But she didn't want to lose Kenshin either. She loved him so much, but he didn't appear to have any feelings for her beyond friendship. Clenching her fists, she struggled to make the right decision.
Feeling tears slip down her cheeks, she finally made her decision. She had to love him enough to let him go. It had been a year and he'd made no move to pursue her romantically. She'd remove the weight of expectation that she'd placed on their friendship and value what he was able to give her, his friendship. And she'd move on with her life. She knew that she'd always love Kenshin, but maybe there was someone out there that she could respect enough to marry. With time, maybe it would even turn to love. But she couldn't keep holding all of them in limbo. It was time to move on with her life and help Kenshin and Yahiko move on with theirs.
Feeling exhausted but with a measure of peace, she finally opened her eyes, only to discover that night had fallen. Getting to her feet feeling burdened yet relieved, she made her way to her room. Gently closing the door, she fell onto her futon and was immediately asleep.
Kk
Kenshin had asked Yahiko if Kaoru had said anything to him of why she was fasting, but the boy knew nothing. Since Kaoru had given him the day off, he immediately heading into town to assist Tsubame. Kenshin had watched him go, a feeling a pride at the man Yahiko was becoming.
Sighing, he reluctantly turned to his daily chores. These were quickly accomplished and the rain kept him from occupying himself outdoors. Knowing that Kaoru would be occupied all day, he headed to his room and pulled out the comb that he was carving for her hair. The intricate jasmine flowers that he was carving would help occupy his hands and hopefully his thoughts.
Still, he couldn't resist peeking at Kaoru's ki throughout the day. Her emotions were all over the place and he wondered what she was doing. However, as the day wore on, he felt a growing sadness and confusion. He wanted so badly to go and comfort her that it was a physical effort to restrain himself. Dusk was falling when he finally felt her ki calm and settle, an underlying strength surfacing. He was relieved, hoping that she'd finally found the answer to whatever had been bother her. He carefully tucked the comb back away and went to start dinner, unaware of how much his world had just changed.
Reviews are appreciated
