No one understands how alone I feel. When you look in my eyes and one might see happiness inside but within my bones, I'm falling apart….

APOV

Today is a new day. Another day of school but hopefully today will be better than yesterday. I got out of bed and walked into my bathroom; I had a shower and got dressed for school. I dragged on the first jeans I saw popping out of my closet with a long sleeved top and my black sweatshirt. I caught my hair up in one and added mascara, eyeliner to my eyes. I grabbed my iPod and my bag then headed downstairs, when I reached downstairs, as soon as I was about to go through the door. I heard my father called out from behind me ''Hey Anna, could I speak to you for just 5 minutes please?''

I turned around ''Yeah well I've got school and I don't want to be late'' I said as I pressed my lips together, hoping he'd just leave it at that.

''It won't take more than 3 minutes'' he said as he crossed his arms.

I rolled my eyes and followed him to the kitchen. He closed the door behind us and took a seat. I didn't take a seat; I just stared at him waiting for him to say whatever he wanted to say.

''Your teacher called me yesterday while I was at the office'' he said to me, staring me like he wanted me to finish the sentence or something….

''Yes and?'' I said as I raised my eyebrows

''She said you were a bit upset… and sw—'' before he could finish I cut him off when I knew where the conversation was going ''I was just feeling a bit sick dad. It's nothing, don't worry'' I said hoping that It would be enough to convince him.

''Are you sure? I'm here if you ever need to talk'' he said

''Yes Dad I'm sure'' I said as I turned around and rushed out the house before he would say anything else to me. I didn't stop until I was outside and in my car; I knew he was looking through the window. I started the engine of the car, while driving to school I was caught up in morning traffic, I could feel the tears coming down my face, I blinked three times and wiped the tears away roughly from my eyes. I held onto the steering wheel tight as I breath hard and hard then I just couldn't help it, I allowed the sobs to escape my lips and as I cried, I found it hard to catch my breath throughout each sob. The light then turned green, I stomped on the gas and within 3 minutes I reached to school, I looked at myself in the mirror, my eyeliner and mascara was ruined (GREAT) I looked like a zombie, I dragged my sweatshirt's hood over my head and brushed my fringe more down my face.

I stepped out of my car and walked towards the school building with my head held low. As I walked through the school hallways I could feel everyone staring at me, I ignored their glares as I walked over to my locker. I opened it and retrieved my books. A warm pair of clammy hands then pressed hard against my eyes

''Guess who?''

I wasn't in the mood to play Guess who or whatever this boring game was but I didn't want to make scene by pushing the persons hands off my face so I played along and anyways it wasn't like I was important enough for someone not to touch me….. ''err Katy?''

''Nope. Oh you're hopeless… it's me Freddie''

He removed his hands from my face and I turned around to hug him. Freddie is one of my best friends and we were boyfriend and girlfriends when we were 12 until we were 13 but we decided to make it stay just friendship well at least I did. I looked at him, Freddie has light brown hair with light brown eyes and he had a very fair complexion. ''So are you going to say something?'' he said to me

I closed my mouth as soon as I noticed that I was staring at him with mouth opened wide ''WOW! Freddie, you've changed''

''Yeah look who's talking'' he said to me eyeing me up and down

''Where have you been? I've been back for 6 weeks now and this is actually my first time seeing you''

''Well sorry. Since no one notified me that you were being released from that mental hospital or whatever'' he said

''Katy didn't tell you?'' I asked him as we both started walking off to our lesson.

''Nope, she's been too busy with her man''

''Oh''

''I missed you'' Freddie said in a whisper as he tried to look away from my gaze, his cheeks turned hot red and as I felt a lump in my throat a little bit guilty. Freddie was my first boyfriend and I was his first girlfriend… but I ended the relationship because too much was happening in my life at the moment and I was always too scared about loosing that close friendship that I have with him… I broke up with him and we've always remained friends but like Katy would say, I've got Freddie hooked or sprung or whatever…..

I laughed and said ''Maybe you should have slit your wrist too'' I said, as we walked to our lesson, when all of a sudden. A brunette girl ran up to Freddie, ''Hey babe'' she said in a girly tone.

''Anna this is my girlfriend Jessica'' he said. I smiled at her; she stared at me and then said ''Oh my god. You're that girl''

''what girl?'' I asked with confusion.

''The one that went psycho and slit her wrist and everything because her mum committed suicide'' she said

I looked over at Freddie who was staring at me with I'm sorry expression. I didn't even know this girl but she knew about my fast, WOW. I guess while I was away; I was the town's gossip! ''yeah and they sent you to some psychiatric institution right?'' she asked.

I cleared my throat and faked a smile ''you know what. I actually forgot something in my locker'' I said as I turned around and walked away as quickly as I could. I didn't expect everyone to magically forgot where I was and about my history but I didn't expect them to come up to my face and actually said it. The school bell then rang; I decided to take the long way to lessons in case I ran into someone I didn't want to see… as I was walking to lesson with my head held low. I took my iPod out of my bag and stocked the earphones in, I allowed myself to tune into Turn it off by Paramore. I was walking to lesson when all of a sudden something swing around and slammed me hard in the face, I dropped onto the ground and there was a pain in my nose like it was broken or something.

''Oh Shit. Are you okay?'' someone said to me as they helped me up off the ground.

I got up and pushed them off me; I bent down and took my iPod and my other belongings off the ground.

''Are you okay? I'm so sorry'' the paled face guy from history said, he kept saying sorry over and over again as I brushed the dirt off my clothes.

''OKAY! I freaking get it! You're sorry. Whatever'' I shouted at him.

''No really. I am sorry, should I get the school's nurse?'' he asked

''No. what I want is for you to leave me the hell alone, OKAY?'' I said as I turned and walked away. My nose was killing me, I could feel it sticking like it was broken or something. As I was walking away I heard him behind me. ''Look that door hit you pretty hard. Are you sure you're okay?''

''I was but now you're just doing my head in. Okay Bye'' I said as I went into the girls toilet. I have decided to miss history and anyways it wasn't like anyone would notice that I didn't show up. When I was in the girls toilet. There was no one else in there, I took a seat on the ground; pushed my earphones in and turned the volume up. I relaxed as I allowed myself to tune into Miss Nothing by The Pretty Reckless, I closed my eyes as I tried to get lost in the music. You know like forget everything, all the hurt, the pain, the blood... Everything. I wanted to be numbed; I wanted to be heartless… I was sick of crying because crying helped nothing. I'm sick of feeling alone, when I have my family and my friends, sick of seeing her face everywhere I go, dreaming of her. Having flashbacks of her vicious and terrible abuse… I allowed a teardrop to escape my eyes as I bit on my lip trying my hardest to just forget everything…

''I hate her'' I thought to myself. I really did hate her, there were times when I love her; times when I missed her and times when I blamed myself for her actions and her death. But like Dr Smith said there was no one to be blamed but he was wrong, I was to be blamed… I allowed her to do it, over and over again I allowed her to take the drugs, I allowed her to ruin herself and I didn't do anything to help her. Dad didn't do anything either because everyone was giving him stupid advice that if he wanted to help her then she has to admit that she has a problem. They all told dad to pay attention to only Alex and I because they said that Mum needed to hit rock bottom so that it would shake her and make her admit her problem but they were all wrong. Mum had already hit rock bottom and was screaming out for help but none of us helped her, I didn't help her…. I allowed her to kill herself, I allowed her to ruin everything. This isn't something I want to live with but I blame myself for what happened to her…. I was to be blamed for everything….. I didn't notice that I'd been sitting on the floor for ages until girls started pouring into the toilet. I got up and left the toilet with tears running down my face, I wiped the tears away and as I was walking, the guy from history popped up from the side…

''Finally. I thought you were building a house in there'' he said

''what?'' I asked with confusion

''I have been waiting for you'' he said as he moved closer to me

''Yeah I'm aware of that but why?''

''well I felt bad about the door and everything so I wan—'' he stopped as he walked closer to me with sympathy in his eyes, I gulped as he reached over and brushed a tiny tear drop away from my eyes…. The touch of his skin was cold that it made me shiver, I moved away uncomfortably and stared at my feet trying to not meet eye contact with him.

He moved closer to me, everyone in the corridors was staring at us. But he didn't care, he kept moving closer. ''You've been crying'' he said…

I didn't respond to him, I just pressed my lips together and walked off quickly. I went to the cafeteria where my friends were, I took a deep breath as I walked over to them, Katy and Freddie was deep into a conversation as they chewed on their food, I didn't say anything to any of them as I took a seat. My head was beating and all I wanted was to be to curled up in a ball and just block everything out…. I rested my head on the desk and took deep breaths in and out slowly, someone reached over and yanked my hood off my head, I looked up and it was Katy. ''You know it's a simple manners to say hello to someone'' she said

I sat up then cleared my throat as I responded to her ''Sorry I just…feel a bit sick right now'' I lied

''whatever'' Katy said as she started texting on her phone, I was about to put my hood back over my head when I noticed the guy from history sitting at the other end of the cafeteria beside Emily and Alan who was all over him. He was staring at me…. it was weird. I looked away slightly irritated, as I looked at Katy, I noticed that she was smiling at me, ''what?'' I asked her as I reached over and took a chip out of her plate.

''You were looking at Demetri'' she said with a smile

''Who the heck is Demetri?'' I asked

''err the totally hot guy over there who's staring at you like he's in love or something'' she said then she turned over to look at him and added ''It's…creepy…. In a romantic kind of way''

''Oh you mean that guy in the leather jacket?''

''No I meant Brad Pitt…'' she said sarcastically ''Of course I'm talking about him. He's totally hot'' she said

I looked over at Freddie who looked a little bit uncomfortable, you could tell by the look in his eyes that he was begging for us to change the subject and so was I but Katy wasn't going to stop….

''Well. I don't care'' I said as I took my iPod out and started to shuffle through the songs I had on it.

Katy reached over and slapped me on my arm ''Are you fucking crazy?''

''what now?'' I asked with annoyance

''Err Hello. He's hot and gorgeous, WAKE UP! He's never even looked at me twice or any girl in this school twice. Much less stare at them, and he's now staring at you of all people, Not that there's anything wrong with you but you know what I mean''

Normally I would have take that as an insult but Katy was right, why would anybody want to stare at me. But the honest truth was that I really didn't care about this guy or anything. I didn't care about anyone; I didn't want to get close to anyone because getting close to someone brings pain… and hurt. ''Whatever, Katy. Let's just stop talking about it okay?''

''Alright but can I just say that you are totally missing out if you make that sexy train over there miss you''

Freddie then got up from the table angrily and walked out of the cafeteria. I turned around and watched him leave, I knew Katy was right about me having a claim and having hooks in Freddie, it wasn't hard to see that he still had feelings for me. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if we didn't break up and where we would have been right now, would he have still loved me after I had slit my wrist and tried to commit suicide.

I wanted to ask him all these questions but I didn't want him getting the wrong ideas so I kept them all to myself.

''Like I said before. You've got your hooks in that boy'' Katy said as she took a sip of her drink.

I didn't respond, we both sat in silent until the bell rang for period 5. I grabbed my bag and left the cafeteria, as I was walking to period 5. I saw Demetri standing by my classrooms door; I swallowed hard as I approached him and passed him to go into the class ignoring him. The teacher wasn't there yet but other students was there, I walked over to my seat beside Tom; the exchange student from China, as I took my seat and retrieved my book. Demetri walked over to my desk and whispered in Tom's ears then with a nod Tom took up his belongings and went to sit in Demetri seat while Demetri took Tom's seat. I didn't know what to do as I sat frozen in my place, I decided to ignore Demetri.

''Look, I'm really sorry about earlier, I was just worried about you'' he said. I didn't respond as I stared ahead and tried to focus on something else like happy thoughts!

''I know how you feel Anna, I know that you're alone….'' He said

I bit on my lip hard. Inside my head I was screaming ''SHUT UP'' he was ruining my happy thoughts. I reached down and pulled out my iPod and stucked my earphones in, then turned the volume up to its highest. I wasn't aware of the song that was playing but it was loud and hard rock metal... Exactly what I needed right now…

For the whole lesson, I had my earphones in. Mr Donald didn't bother telling me to take them out, he just ignored me like I wasn't apart of the class. After the lesson had finished, I grabbed my stuff and stuffed them down my bag and walked away quickly trying to get away from Demetri. I pushed through the crowd of students in the corridors and when I was outside I ran to my car, got in and drove off. When I reached home, there was no one there. Dad was at the office and Alex was probably out with her boyfriend, I dropped my bag on my bedroom floor and dropped myself on my bed. I curled myself up in a ball, wrapping my arms around myself tight as I cried, I held the pillow close to my mouth as I screamed out… the absence of her was everywhere I look, the pain of loosing her…. the memories… everything just hurt….. I wanted to go back to the blade, I needed it but I couldn't hurt dad and Alex anymore. She's hurt them so many times and I didn't want to be like her… I screamed and screamed in my pillow as I had memories of her….

*Flashback*

''You'll always be my pretty little Anna. Nothing can change that'' My mother said as she kissed me on my forehead. We were sitting in the back garden of my grand mother Linda's house. Mum had brought me a new dress that day and even though she told me not to wear it, I was determined and wanted to wear it.

''Even when I have this baby, you'll always by my special little girl'' she said to me as she looked down at the round bump around her stomach, she was pregnant with her third child.

''You promise?'' I said as I pulled at my new dress and stared into my mothers light green eyes.

''Yes I promise'' she said then she leaned down and kissed me

''You have to pinky promise''

She laughed ''Okay I pinky promise, Darling''

I smiled at her then hugged her tightly; her scent was all around me. She smelt of rose petals, sweet, sweet rose petals.

I cried even louder into my pillow as I remembered the good times I had with her. She wasn't always a bad mother, she was the world's greatest mother to me but she just couldn't deal with it….. It was a disappointment, after she had a still birth and things fell a part, she started to lash out at dad and he didn't back down. He loved her with all his heart but he kept on arguing with her, pushing her buttons and then she turned to drugs for comfort and she ruined everything…. She just ruined it…. She ruined me. She promised me. My head was spinning as I looked up at the ceiling with tears running down my cheeks, my visions were blurry, I had stopped crying, I was just staring at the ceiling with tears streaming down my face like there was no tomorrow. Like they were never going to stop…

I am so sorry that this Chapter took so long, I wrote it and then I read it over and didn't like it so I changed it like 4 times but this one seemed really good and I actually like it. Thanks for all the reviews on chapter 1, Please review this chapter? xxx