A/N - I'll be going back and forth between present and past. And here in the past, I've used some stuff directly from the show and then changed it a bit to suit the story. Not making any money off of it though!
Enchanted Forest - nearly a year earlier. August 2012
(let's say for the sake of the story that the seasons in the Enchanted Forest are a little skewed, it's nearly winter here.)
The purple smoke recedes slowly, rolling off their shoulders and around their feet until finally it dissipates and the group is left with only the wilderness and themselves. But even in that wilderness there is some civilization. A couple, a man and a woman, emerge from a partially hidden gazebo through the trees not thirty feet away. Their eyes are wide and their surprise is evident. It's not every day, after all, that a group of twenty people arrives in a cloud of purple.
Snow greets the woman like an old friend, but Regina isn't sure she knows either of them. Not that she cares to. All she can think about is her son, but more specifically, not having her son anymore. The feeling clenches her heart and doesn't let go, its hand squeezing and squeezing until she thinks she might pass out from the effort of simply standing here among everyone. The tight, medieval corset compressing her ribs and lungs isn't helping much either. She's magicked them all into having the clothes they left this world onto their bodies, because everything that they had prior to the curse is what they have now. Even Charming's shirt is still bloody and ripped from that evening so long ago when he had fought for his wife and newborn baby.
All of that had led to this. Abandonment. Again. Snow and Charming had to leave their child again, had to say goodbye and hope for the best. And now Regina knows exactly what that feels like. She looks around, noting their approximate location and taking a good look at the new couple before them, going on about why they're here, what happened while they were gone and where they will go next. But it's difficult to focus on what they're saying, mainly because Regina can't find it within her to care.
Everything should be the same. Except it's not. It's not even close to the same because she's given up her son to a woman she's not even sure is up to the job of mothering him properly. Emma Swan is not short of desire to do well, that's for sure, but as for abilities, Regina has her doubts. But it's too late now for any doubts and second guessing. Now is the time for getting on with her life.
Her new life without her son, the only reason worth living in that godforsaken town. When it all went to hell after 'the savior' showed up, starting time up again and knocking over the first domino that would set off the chain of events that would break her curse and return everyone's memories to them. Even with people knowing who she was and what she had done to them in retaliation for all the things done to her in the past, she didn't care. She had Henry and that was all that mattered. Only, she didn't really have Henry anymore, not after Henry swore off magic and swore her off magic, not after Emma and Snow had been ripped from that world back into this one, trying to save Regina's life from the wraith.
Well, Emma tried to save her life. Snow was just going after her long lost daughter, like that would have made any difference. She's certain the confounded woman and her love-struck husband now are concerned mainly about starting a new family, starting over and giving a new baby a fresh chance. She had received another chance at Henry, but it hadn't felt quite right again, not until Neverland. No, Henry had seen her use magic against Charming, and even though she tried to win him back after that, it took him a while to trust her again, especially after practically wrenching him away from everyone else in an attempt to force him to stay with her. But that was short lived.
She remembers all too well how it felt to be held captive by her own mother and how all she wanted was freedom, the freedom to choose who she loved and how and the freedom to come and go as she pleased. At that point, she had been denying Henry that and knew that it wouldn't work, knew that Henry would never love her like she wanted him to. Regina shakes her head at the thought, wiping a hand across her bleary eyes. Even through all that, she still holds a special place in her heart for her mother, even after the woman had killed her first love, her true love, and even after she had forced Regina to marry Leopold, that disgusting old man.
It was too much, all that had happened, saving the town from the trigger she had planted herself along with Emma's help, and then realizing Henry had been kidnapped to Neverland, two gut wrenching events that took so much out of her, especially after having just been tortured by Greg when she refused to tell him that where his father was. Idiot man, thinking that he could hurt her with threats of death and pain? Had she not suffered through all those things tenfold in her life?
His torture was nothing. And probably, she might have deserved some of it for killing his father. She could handle anything he threw at her, any promise of death. No promise like that could make Regina quiver in fear. No, at the thought of losing her son, Regina knows just how easy it would be to welcome death, to welcome the thought of eternally sleeping, forever blacking out on this nightmare. Even in Neverland, against threats from Tink and threats from Pan, she didn't flinch. She hadn't flinched, because none of that scared her. No, and she didn't have any regrets either. Not like those weaklings Emma and Snow, regretting leaving their children behind.
She would never do something like that, abandon her own child on purpose without really giving him his best chance. Her head dips at the thought. She had abandoned him, in a way, but only because she had to. And she had left him with his birth mother, with a capable woman, she realizes it now, that Emma is capable, so that Henry will know family and will know again what it means to be loved from the beginning without abandonment.
And Regina still has no regrets, because she did what she had to do, damn the consequences. Emma and Snow could have done things differently. And certainly Snow, in her lifetime, Regina looks over at her, staring up at Charming with those wide, frightened eyes. But she knows what Snow is thinking underneath that initially shocked expression. Snow is more than ready to start her new life here, to rebuild and reclaim the kingdom, to start a new family and have her happy ending, who gives a damn about the people she neglects in the process. That makes Regina think of Emma, of Henry's other mother, of the savior, of the woman who crawled under her skin and infuriated her for close to two years, until she finally began to realize that Emma truly meant her no harm, that Emma understood her more than anyone. That all Emma wanted was for her son, for their son to be safe.
And now he would be safe with Emma. And Regina knows now what she wants to do, what she has to do for her own sake, for everyone else's sake as well. That eternal sleep is sounding more and more appealing.
Most of them have wandered off to explore, while Regina, Snow, Charming, the pirate and the new couple stand around in the gazebo. Regina stares off in to the forest, wondering how much has changed and how much is left. Snow is the only one who's been here in the past thirty years, and she would have all the information, apart from what they could get out of these two new lovebirds.
Regina tunes back into the conversation, right at the point where the woman, Aurora is her name and Phillip is the man's, is speaking about how the ogres have been defeated and they've taken back the land. And Charming, naturally, does not want to stay and celebrate, he wants to return to his kingdom and rebuild, start over and find his happy ending. Those two really are perfect for each other, Regina thinks with a roll of her eyes.
"But our castle was destroyed in the curse," Snow says to Charming, and everyone looks at Regina. Of course they do. Even the pirate, who had nothing to do with it, eyes her with contempt.
"Well done," he says. "You laid waste to everything."
She starts to retort, to summon more purple smoke and zap him into a rodent on the spot, when Aurora speaks again. Her tone matches Hook's and Snow's. "Not everything," she looks at Regina then, eyes narrowed. "Her castle still stands."
"Of course it does," Regina says. Naturally she would leave her own castle as it was. Just in case. "I protected it."
Charming pipes up then, needing to remind Snow that they have some claim to what is rightfully hers. "Technically, the castle doesn't belong to her. It was Snow's before she took it."
And Regina wonders why anger doesn't spike up hot and white into her mind like it usually does. This sort of statement would normally set her off into a frenzy of spell casting and a quest for revenge. She admits to herself that she had somewhat of a temper problem, it would be foolish to deny that. But things are different now, somehow. Even though Charming is dead wrong and the damned castle is hers, she can't really find it in herself to care about it.
"To be fair," is all she says, with little emotion. "I married into it."
Everyone knows she's right, of course, because she inherited the castle when Leopold died, or more accurately, when she had him killed. But no matter.
"That you did," Snow says, and her eyes are glowing with that crazed ambition that Regina remembers so well from when they were both so much younger. Not that Regina would put up much of a fight if they really wanted it back. She's not sure why they would, anyway. It's filled, for her, with bitter memories and death and the reminder of those years forced to share Leopold's bed. They can have it, she supposes, if they really want it. It won't be too difficult to get what she needs from her chambers and find a place to lie down for a long nap.
"And now we're taking it back," Snow continues. "And you are coming with us."
Regina balks. "You can't be serious."
All she wants is a few moments of peace and quiet to accomplish her task, not to be burdened with all these people and be unable to do what she wants with Snow breathing down her neck.
"Regina, everyone out there is scared and confused. They need hope, and what better way to do that than to return united?"
No argument will come to her mind, as much as she wills it. Again, she doesn't really care. But Snow goes on, rambling about how Regina probably won't like it, which is true, but that she'll learn to, which is not true, and that it's for everyone's good. All Regina can do is shrug, because if that's the way they want it, then fine.
They say goodbye to Aurora and Phillip and begin the day's long journey to Regina's castle, or Snow and Charming and Regina's castle. But as they prepare the horses Phillip has provided for them, Regina notices the seemingly happy couple arguing beneath the gazebo. She can't hear what they're saying, but they keep stealing glances towards the group. Something isn't right about it, but it's too late. It's time to go and she contemplates magicking herself to the entrance of her castle, just to avoid this walk and the company she'll have to endure during it. But doggedly, she trudges forward, like the rest of them towards the mountain and lake that her castle stands proudly over.
As the group travels, Grumpy informs Charming that more people from Storybrooke are popping up all over the place and the shepherd tells them to report to Regina's castle, that they'll all meet there and figure out what to do. The idea of every person in town crowding her place of solace sounds like an irritating headache to Regina, but there isn't much she can do about it. And next to the wrenching pain currently squeezing her heart, a headache is no big deal.
Then when Regina walks past Neal and Charming talking with their heads close together, she can't help but hear what they're saying. It makes her wish she hadn't walked past them at all.
"I know you're hurting, but Rumpelstiltskin is gone."
"Maybe," Neal says. "Maybe not. And maybe if he's not, he can get me back to Emma."
Emma, Regina thinks. He's concerned about Emma. No mention of his son, of Henry. Of her son. And just like that, the clenching pain is back full force, whereas before it was an ache. Now it's a full-fledged stabbing of her heart. Neal is concerned about Emma, and probably his son as well, but all Regina can think about is Henry. And all Neal wants is to get back and confuse the two of them. They have new memories, a new life, a fresh start, and she doesn't want Neal to screw with what she's given them, because it wasn't easy.
Strange, to think that heartache is thought of as a mental affliction, that the pain is all in the head, that the desires and loves of the mind are not literally driven by the heart. But the pain is real, this pain in her heart is real, figurative or not, she can feel it and it's the worst thing she's ever been through. Worse than living without Daniel, worse than her mother, worse than Leopold, worse than her time alone in the Land Without Magic, worse than being tortured with that electricity, and even worse than losing Henry to Neverland. At least then, she had hope of seeing him again.
She can still hear their conversation as she walks away.
"Regina was clear," Charming says firmly. "The price of our return was a complete reset. Supposedly there is no way to cross over, no more portals, and no way to conjure one without another curse."
All of this is true. As far as she knows, the curse will send everything back to normal, but as for portals, it's possible that there could be magic beans left in this world. There are always magic beans hidden away in dark places, ready to be used to travel through the worlds. There is always a way into another world, but as of right now, Regina possesses none of those ways.
"Even if we could reach them," Charming says, and Regina is thankful for this, as rare as it is that wise words come out of Charming's mouth. "They wouldn't remember us. So the best thing we can do is the only thing we can do. Let them be and give them their best chance."
It's true, that Neal will need to find Rumple in order to find or conjure a portal. Regina certainly isn't going to help him find one, not after what it took to say goodbye. But without him, Neal will simple have to learn to live without Emma and his son, just like she will. She almost laughs at that. How silly of her, to think that she can possibly live without the one person who made life worthwhile. No, she thinks, first I'll take out my heart because it hurts too damn much, and then I'll take a nice long nap. A type of sleep long enough and deep enough so that she won't have to think about Henry anymore and how impossible it is to be without him.
