SOMETHINGS I'LL NEVER KNOW SERIES: The Day That Kikumaru Fell Silent
DISCLAIMER: PoT does not belong to me.
-oOo-
No one would believe that he was hiding something. No one would believe that there was something bothering him. More than that, no one would believe that he of all people was disturbed by the latest news that shook every member of the Seigaku Men's Tennis Club on the day of their reunion. Who would now? He was always happy, the most cheerful of them all. He was the one who was going from table to table making sure that everyone was to be annoyed by his silly childish antics…that is despite the fact that they were no longer middle schoolers. No they weren't, in fact they are long past that stage of life. They were men, grown men, professional men, some of them even have a family of their own. There was no rush, there were still more bachelors than there were married men in their club. And besides, he was not one to worry about such things, he was happy with his single life, he was in no hurry. Well, at least that was everyone thought, and only the other half of the Golden Pair knew the truth behind the smile.
"You're crying…again."
"I'm sorry Kikumaru-kun, don't mind me, I'm okay."
"No you're not, you're crying, you can't be crying and be okay. And those are not tears of joy."
*Sobs* "Kikumaru-kun, please, is just…"
"Akiyama-kun, don't go!"
He was always there; he was the one who always saw the tears, the lonely sobs, and the broken heart. He knew the reason behind the loneliness, and he didn't do anything; or maybe he just couldn't do anything then, maybe now he can, maybe, maybe not. So he pretends not to hear, he pretend to be his ordinary self, he pretends to enjoy the gathering, when inside of him he was tearing up. He would not show the tears, not that he was afraid that they wouldn't understand. They of all people would understand, because the friendship they share is deeper than words can say. But of all the eyes in that room, there was only one who truly knew how he felt. But he himself did not say a word, he respected his peace, he respected his choice to be happy. Or was he really happy, of was it all a mask. He was like a jester playing in the king's courts, laughing and making people laugh, when the truth was that he was empty inside. He listens to their stories, and show them a smile, but there was always a story that he would always remember.
"Kikumaru-kun, please don't tell anyone what I've told you."
"I won't, if you promise to never cry again."
"I can't promise you that Kikumaru-kun."
"But, Akiyama-kun, please don't get me wrong."
"What is it Kikumaru-kun?"
"I love listening to your stories…even if…they are really sad. I'm happy that you trust me. But don't you get tired of those stories?"
"What do you mean?"
"I think you deserve a happy story. One that has a happy ever after, not like the ones you have right now."
"Do you think this loneliness will ever end Kikumaru-kun?"
"Only you can answer that Akiyama-kun."
He closes his eyes and tries to remember the stories he was told. The endless drama, the made for TV moments that were actually happening in real life; he remembered all of them, no matter how long ago it was, he remembers. And there was one who remembers with him, but for now he lets him remember on his own, because here in this show, he was the happy guy, that was his show and he wouldn't take that away from him. He was the jester, and he was the jester's friend, to whom he cried after everyone else has had their laugh.
"Akiyama-kun, smile."
*Sobs*
"Akiyama-kun…"
"I'm sorry Kikumaru-kun, maybe I should just end this all?"
"That is up to you Akiyama-kun."
"I want to be happy Kikumaru-kun."
"Then choose to be."
He never really cared; all he made of that precious gem was a display. He treated his precious gem like crap, like a doll to play with, like some old rag doll that you can dump and forget about. He knew better, such a gem should never be treated such way, a precious gem should be cared for, given the royal treatment; a precious gem is something that you protect, something that you treasure the way a treasure is to be treated. But he was not in place to teach anyone that, after all he the care-free youngest child from next door who grew up with that precious gem.
"Eiji…"
"Nothing to see here Oishi."
"Eiji, let's talk."
"She's back in his arms."
"Eiji, listen."
"I'm tired of giving her advice Oishi. She just never listens. She always goes back to him each time he says he's sorry."
"Eiji…"
"No! I'm tired!"
"Do you really like her that much?"
"Oishi, I thought she was finally listening to me. I thought she finally got it. I thought she finally realized that she was worth more than what he was treating her. Or so I thought."
"Eiji…"
"I don't want to think about it Oishi, let's just go to practice."
How many times did they have those private conversations where no one else could hear? It was countless, countless that he could not remember how many times he said he had given up but ending up only trying again. And his partner was always there when he fell back into that asylum of his insanity, the partner who saw it all, the partner who tried to talk sense into his jumbled up mind but he just couldn't hear a single word that he said. Or maybe he just refused to accept what he said, just like how his precious gem refused to accept his own words.
"Why?"
"What do you mean why Kikumaru-kun?"
"Why can't you just set yourself free?"
"What do you mean?"
"Akiyama-kun, why do you stay with him when he treats you badly?"
"Kikumaru-kun."
"Why do you spend all your time trying to make it work, when he clearly doesn't value you as much?"
"Because I love him, Kikumaru-kun."
"If he loved you as much as you did him, you wouldn't be crying…"
"Kikumaru-kun…"
"It's not like there are no other men in this world Akiyama-kun."
"Kiku…"
"There is someone out there, who will love you more, someone who will take care of you, someone who will wipe your tears instead of making you cry. Someone who will show you how beautiful love can be…"
"Kikumaru-kun, if there was someone out there like you say so. Then, I hope he will wait for me, I hope he will wait for me to wake up from this dream. But if I don't, then I hope that he will still love me, even if."
Why did he not verbalize his true intentions then? Maybe if he did things would turn out differently, maybe their reunion wouldn't be so gloomy and dark. Had he listened to his doubles partner's advice, maybe he would have been happier. Maybe he wouldn't be the jester that he was right now. Maybe he would be the king being entertained by the jester. Maybe he would be counting the smiles and not the tears. And maybe he would be remembering the colors of the rainbow, not the raindrops on his window.
"We see each other every day, and it seems like thousands of times since we first met."
"What do you mean Kikumaru-kun?"
"Of the thousands, I can only count the times that you smiled."
"Kikumaru-kun."
"It's like you continuously choose sadness over happiness, and I can't understand why."
"This is not like you."
"What do you mean?"
"The Kikumaru-kun I know was happy, care-free…"
"The Kikumaru-kun you know, can also feel hurt, and he feels hurt every time he sees you cry."
Maybe he was just stupid, that he never really understood the meaning of love. Was it his fault, or was it hers? She chose to stay when he has been saying leave. He didn't understand why in middle school, and he still didn't understand now. His doubles' partner gave him a glance of worry, but shoved it off; this was not the time to talk. He moved to the next person he could be jester to, his buchou was disciplined as always, and he was not surprise that he was the first to marry. If there was someone he knew who would truly respect and love and treasure a precious gem it was his buchou, and what his buchou has was rare, and he was happy that to this day his buchou still treasured his gem. Unlike his precious gem, the gem that he has been treasuring since middles school, the gem that someone else got hold off and never took care of.
"I hear Oishi-kun won't be going to Seishun High School."
"Hai…"
"I know it may be a wrong time to say this Kikumaru-kun, given that Oishi-kun will transfer school."
"You're leaving too aren't you?"
"Gomennasai Kikumaru-kun, but Chiyo wanted us to go to the same high-school."
"Will he treat you right if you do?"
"Kikumaru-kun…"
"it's not my choice."
"Kikumaru-kun please don't go."
Sometimes he just convinced himself that his gem was just stupid, but then he would feel guilty for thinking such. He knew she was not, of all the things in the world she could be, stupid was not one of them, fact is she was smart, probably the smartest girl she has ever met. but maybe event eh smartest people have their own silliness. If he did all the mistakes that she did, no one would be surprised, after all he was the jester right? But her, she was the queen, and she deserved a king, not some washed up prince charming want to-be who'll sweep you off your feet then leave you to do the laundry while he sleeps with his concubines. No she didn't deserve that, but what could a jester like him do? His doubles' partner gives him another glance, but he shakes his head, and he nods. He moves to the next person he could pester to forget about the news he heard. His tensai friend was unbelievably happier than usual, why wouldn't he be, in a month he will marry the girl of his dream, and they will ride off to the sunset for their happily ever after, unlike he.
"Oishi, the world id strange."
"What do you mean? Don't you like your new classmates?"
"It's not about school."
"Is it about Akiyama-kun?"
"I'm glad that we can still see each other on weekends Oishi."
"Eiji…is this about Akiyama-kun?"
*Sighs*
"What happened Eiji?"
"She stopped calling. And they moved out."
"She doesn't live next door anymore?"
"They move out before school started, they moved somewhere closer to her new school."
"I see, and she hasn't called you since they moved out?"
"She did, then, she stopped."
"Don't worry Eiji."
"I can't not worry Oishi! I can't!"
"Eiji…"
"I can't…you and Inui go to a different school, Fuji-kun is in a different section, Tezuka-kun is in Germany, Taka-san didn't go to high school…Akiyama-kun is with…him…I can't not worry Oishi…"
"I'm sorry Eiji…"
"The world is strange."
"What do you mean?"
"Because the world treats like trash, what I treasure most."
When he looks back that would have been the saddest day of his life, but it wasn't. Maybe it was, but it wasn't, he knew it wasn't. Because he remembers everything, even though the years have covered everything, he knew deep inside he remembers. He holds back tears that he has been holding back since the moment the news was given. He tries so hard, so he moves on to the data man; even he was happy, sure he was a bachelor like him, but at least he was happy, because he found someone to make him happy, he may not know if the one he looks to as his precious gem looks back to him as a gentle jeweler, but at least he had someone to make him smile, a genuine smile. Not like the smile he has been wearing all night, all fake, all jesterly, all a show. At least the date man, although a bachelor like him, had found a reason not to be a bachelor any more, not like him.
"How's Med School Oishi?"
"It's a lot difficult than I thought Eiji? How's theater?"
"It's fun."
"I'm happy to hear than Eiji."
"Have you heard the news Oishi?"
"What news?"
"About Tezuka?"
"Hai. It was actually Fuji and I who convinced him to finally do what he has been holding back since middle school. And now I think he's happier."
"I bet you Tezuka will be the first to marry."
"Maybe, we should be happy for him."
"I am. But have you heard of the other new?"
"About?"
"Akiyama-kun."
"Oh…I'm sorry I haven't"
"She didn't go to University."
"Oh…what did she…?"
"She got married."
"To whom?"
"Him."
"Oh…Eiji…"
"it's okay…I hope she's happier now."
"How did you know?"
"I went to visit Taka-san, I saw her there, and we talked a little."
"Eiji…"
He looked over the counter, even he burning member of their tennis club was happy. Of course he was, he's a newlywed, he and his wife now run the Sushi Shop where they always gather for their reunions. Even his doubles partner was happy with his own gem, he hasn't proposed to her yet, but he was certain he would. He was certain because the way he talked about her was the way he would talk about his own gem, had he held her in his hand.
All night long he pretended, he was good at it, he was after all one of the best theater actors in Japan, it would be a shame if he was not able to pull it off. The parade of smiles, as he would want to call it, to him the world was a stage. He was a comical genius and no one would know, no one, except his doubles' partner. When everyone had left, and all that he had was himself, he would walk out the doors of their favorite sushi shop; get in his car and drive. He would drive to nowhere in particular, home seem to be a very sad place right now. He did, yes he did still live in that same house with his parents. He wanted to take care of them, now that they were older. And home was a lonely place right now, especially when he will always remember the girl from next door.
After a while he would stop, he would stop and get off his car, he would look up the stars and breathe deeply, then a cold breeze will blow, would embrace it like he would embrace her. And finally, after all the laughter and smiles, he would let out the tears he had been holding back that night. The tears were so warm on his cheeks, they were so warm, no wonder his gem always shed tears, they were so warm. Repeatedly he would run the events earlier that evening in his mind, repeatedly until he was numb.
"Did you hear what happened to Akiyama-senpai?" the younger power player asked his team mates.
"Who?" he asked, hoping he mistakenly heard the name.
"Akiyama-senpai, she was a friend of yours right Eiji-senpai?"
"H-Hai." He looks to his doubles partner searching for solace.
"I read in the newspaper she was beaten to death by her husband, then, the husband took his own life after seeing his wife's dead body. Apparently he was a drunk, and he's been beating her a lot since they were first married. Good thing they didn't have children…" the younger power player continued on but nothing made sense to him anymore.
He screamed to the top of his lungs, but really didn't know why he was screaming, or what he was screaming. All he knew was that inside of him was so much tension that he just had to let it out. Why didn't she listen? Why did she choose to suffer? He told her so. He's been telling her so since they were in middle school. But she never listened. Neither did he tell her that he was that guy, who was waiting for her, that he was that guy who would love her right. He never told her that he was that someone who would treasure her the way that she deserved to be treasured. He never did. So what right did he have to be angry? What right did have to cry? He never told her, she never knew. Maybe if he did it wouldn't be this way. Maybe if he told her she would have been happy, she would still be alive. Maybe if he told her, he wouldn't be alone right now, standing in the dark somewhere screaming to the air.
He fell to his knees and buried his face on his palms, crying out like he had never done before. There was no trace of the happy acrobat tennis player. No he was gone. That night he was not there. He was alone. Or so maybe he thought he was. In that time of despair and loneliness he sought refuge in the cold of the night, in solitude. But there was someone who saw everything from the start, someone who knew of his broken heart, the only one who really understood how he felt when the news was broken out earlier than night. The one person who knew to wait outside of the sushi bar, silently in his own car and wait for his acrobatic doubles' partner to get into his car and drive off. There was only one person who knew everything from the start, that he knew that night he would tail his doubles' partner to wherever it was he was going at that hour of night, and be there when he breaks down and forgets everything about the happy, care-free acrobatics player; and turn into the frustrated, desperate bachelor who waited, waited, waited ending up only to be wasted. He knew that night he would follow his doubles' partner and fall on his knees beside him to show him he was not alone.
"Eiji…"
"She's gone Oishi…she's gone and I'm never going to her again…"
"Eiji…"
"She's gone and I never even knew what she went through, I never knew. I knew he would hurt her, but I never did anything. I never did anything Oishi!"
"You did."
"No I didn't! I didn't!"
"You did Eiji. You did something."
"Then why is she dead?"
"Eiji…you loved her, from the very start."
"OIshi…"
"You loved her, when she chose to love someone else."
"I did…"
"You loved her, when the world mistreated her."
"Oishi…she's gone…"
"You loved her the way he never did."
"I love her Oishi."
"You loved her, even if, you loved her Eiji, and that was more than enough. That was all you needed to do."
"Oishi…"
"Shhh…it's okay Eiji."
"I love her."
"Remember what you said to her, when we were in middle school?"
"Which?"
"There is someone out there, who will love you more, someone who will take care of you, someone who will wipe your tears instead of making you cry. Someone who will show you how beautiful love can be…."
"Oishi…"
"Remember your own advice Eiji, remember that, and keep that in mind. Remember your own words Eiji. Remember them, and learn to love again. Someone is waiting for you Eiji, do not make that someone out there, go through what you are going through right now. Do not hurt that someone, the way that you have been hurting all these years."
"Remember…"
"Remember Eiji…remember."
He would close his eyes and sit there in a grassy place in the dark of the night, somewhere, beside his doubles partner who he knew would help him through, until the day he learned to love again.
