And here's chapter two! A long-winded explanation of fan fiction, the introduction of the main villain and her obsession with angelic Starbucks, several overbearing father moments, and a wonderful romp through the first realm of semes and ukes and why do characters only get classified as one of three types of people...

Here's a big thing: this story isn't going to be one hundred percent parody. I have some family moments, some action, some character development (weirdly enough), and possibly even a couple sad scenes, though I'm trying to find my way around a big one. I didn't want to just replicate Those Lacking Spines, I wanted to be more original, so I'm making it my own by genre mashing.

The Lazy Anon: I had to give you a personal reply because of reasons. First off, "spork with Lloyd" made me laugh a little too hard, but the whole parodying of Zelloyd will be happening...this chapter actually! The actual Colette won't be appearing until the second act, but I hope you like what I'm doing with the AU versions of the characters, and as for Genis...well, you'll see! AND YOU SHALL HAVE YOUR WONDER CHEF, since you were nice and reviewed. Finally, with Kratos giving Lloyd the Talk, you're about to see how much Kratos does NOT want to do that, hehehe.

Anyways, I don't own Tales of Symphonia or any of the the material I'm making fun of here.


Sub Is a Sandwich, Not a Position

"...What's fan fiction?" Lloyd was stumped. He swore he'd heard of it before, but it was only on the tip of his tongue... "Oh wait, is that those weird stories that they have in Tethe'alla? We found a whole book of it in a well in Mizuho, and Regal was really embarrassed that he liked to read it. Colette liked it too..."

"You're on the right track," Origin admitted.

Kratos crossed his arms over his chest defensively, carefully pondering how to break down fan fiction for his young, naive, innocent son... "Fan fiction is a series of stories written by fans of a particular, original story."

"Oh, so you mean what we're in right now-"

"Yes, yes, that," Kratos hurriedly said, trying to avoid a fanfic paradox. "As I was saying, us and the others are what many call the canon representations. We are not meant to deviate from the true storyline, but fan fiction writers typically create alternate universes in order to remedy dissatisfying endings."

Lloyd mulled over his father's words, surprisingly thoughtful considering his typical idiot hero tendencies. "...I don't get it. If they fix stuff that's bad, the what's so wrong with fan fiction that has you all freaked out like this?"

Here it was, the part Kratos did not want to explain. "...Because, Lloyd...approximately ninety percent of all fan fiction is garbage."

"Kratos is telling the truth. Within fan fiction, one can find complete defecation of character, downright horrible plot lines, and vicious monsters known as Mary Sues, vapid demons posing as ridiculously overpowered and attractive females in order to take part in debauchery with every attractive male character."

"Typically fan fiction will have no effect on us, the canon characters, but on rare occasion a writer will be so strong that they are able to rip canon characters from the true path, all in an attempt to strip them of their personalities...and their clothes," said Kratos.

"How come you known so much about this?" Lloyd just had to ask. Hmph. Typical.

From the skies came a deep, rumbling sound, and Lloyd flinched in amazement. Was Origin...laughing?! Kratos, meanwhile, was blushing as red as the tomatoes those of Aurion blood collectively despised, which worried Lloyd more than anything. The only time he had ever seen Kratos blush before was when a few of Zelos's floozies had decided they preferred a more mature redheaded swordsman than Zelos, and one of them had made the mistake of pinching Kratos's butt...

"Years ago, Yuan and I were swept away by a fan girl. I refuse to discuss what happened, but it took Mithos, the Eternal Sword, and an antidote to save us from the poison of bad characterization, and we filed a copyright on our lives shortly after that so no one could play God with our lives again."

"...I didn't understand a word of any of that, but I got it!"

Kratos's face became reacquainted with his palm. "...Did you land headfirst when you fell off that cliff?"

"I heard that!" Lloyd hollered. "So wait, you're saying my friends got taken by a fanfic author? Ugh, this is worse than the mess with the Derris Emblem."

"Indeed," said Origin. "Using the Eternal Sword, we can travel through the various, basic realms of the fandom and search for your friends, but while I can protect your own personality from deteriorating under the stress of this mysterious author, I cannot protect your friends, nor can I protect you from being hurt or even killed in a fanfic. You and Kratos will be on your own in that respect."

"That's fine, I just want to go save them from those writers or whatever already! Where are they?"

"I can still sense your friends. As I said, my power will be very limited once we cross to another realm, but if you use the Eternal Sword I will be able to transport you both close to a friend or two of yours. If they are already poisoned with bad characterization, I trust Kratos will remember how to cure it."

"I'll do what I can," said the seraph with a shudder.

Still confused by knowing he could trust the King of Summon Spirits and his kinda-sorta-not really traitorous father, Lloyd summoned the Eternal Sword and lofted it toward the heavens like a more badass version of Luke Skywalker on the A New Hope poster. "Gotcha. Origin, take us to our first friend!"

The air swirled around Lloyd and Kratos as the universe bent to Lloyd's will. No one noticed Lloyd's Exsphere as it glowed with a brilliant blue light.


Swish...swish...swish... Cackling with manic glee, the Grand, Majestic, Beautiful Authoress of All Things Beautiful let her glossy blonde hair swirl around her like a villainous Rapunzel as she pushed her hot pink swivel chair in circles with her dainty, delightful foot.

She was still relatively new to being an authoress, but golly gee, she hadn't realized how fun it could be! Seizing power over the lives of those pathetic, inferior members of the Regeneration team, though a lengthy process, hadn't been overly difficult. Now their lives (especially their love lives, those were hilarious), were like Play-Doh in the palm of her hand, ready to be molded in the way Her Majestic Powerfulness desired. Well...almost all of their lives.

A scowl clouded her gorgeous, charming features, transforming such awe-inspiring features into something...rather pretty still, but leaning towards the ugly side. Barely. That was right. Kratos Aurion, Yuan Ka-Fai, and Lloyd..what was it again? Aurion-Irving, Irving-Aurion, or...why did she care? They still remained, and out of her ultimate domain no less.

Sensing the bout of teenage, Harry Potter-esque angst about to wash over her, she sighed and reached for her doubleshot venti soy pumpkin spice latte with extra whipped cream, three pumps of vanilla and cinnamon dolce each, and a fine drizzling of chocolate sauce in the depiction of a angelic feather. It had cost her both ten thousand, nine hundred and three gald as well as five thousand, two hundred and sixty calories. Her best plans came to her when she was caffeinated, plus she needed something to occupy her ti-

She spat out her latte, disgust overtaking her unblemished beauty. "This isn't hot coffee, it's actually iced coffee! Lloydie, you lied to me!" she howled to the heavens, cursing the version of Lloyd Whatever-It-Was that worked at Khar-bucks in the coffee AU she always visited. Why did he always mess with the psyches of innocent angels like her?! No wonder the real Colette Brunel didn't trust baristas...

On a normal day, she would self-insert and venture to Khar-bucks to kill the trolling barista Lloyd, but today was special. Today she finally had seven of her ten primary targets gathered, and if she left she could miss out on news, the time to boss around her new lackeys, or even the chance to start her little game with the seraphim and Lloyd...

"High Ruler of Symphonian Fanfiction!" a vexing voice droned. The High Ruler in question smiled and turned to the page, a particular cutie-patootie with silver hair she desperately desired to braid and a pair of tiny shorts she actually thought were pretty fine. "The Eternal Swordsman and the War God have thrown themselves into the fanfic!"

She smiled widely and held it, letting an unseen audience admire her sparkling whites she'd assaulted with whitening strips just yesterday; little did she know that they were already dyed burnt orange thanks to her latte. "Thank you!" she brightly said. The page made no response but that was okay with Her Magnificent Magnificence. Pausing only to take her fifth selfie of the day (hashtag world domination hashtag bishies gonna bish), she returned to her swivel chair and began typing orders into a document.

The Aurions were in her world now...


When the light of the Eternal Sword cleared Lloyd stumbled and fell into a puddle, feeling as disoriented as a redneck hunter at a brony convention. Pulling his face from the muck, he loudly complained, "I hate teleporting!"

Kratos, on the other hand, materialized with catlike grace, striding over to Lloyd and easily hoisting the teenager out of the mud. "You'd best get used to it. Chances are good we'll run into portals, especially if we visit the crossover realm."

"...A what now?" Lloyd asked, smacking Kratos's hands away after the man had wetted his finger and tried to smudge off the dirt now caked on Lloyd's cheek like some of Pronyma's makeup. It was an odd attempt on Kratos's part at mother-henning, but he'd had a bizarre urge to do it, that dirt was bothering him.

"I'll tell you when it becomes relevant. For now just follow my lead, talk to no one, keep your head down, and don't drink any suspicious beverages from strangers." As they walked down a suspiciously normal-looking hill towards a city in the distance, Kratos, unusually talkative that day, continued to lecture Lloyd on the dos and don'ts of fan fiction. "Don't ever sing, it'll turn this into a songfic and those never go well. It doesn't matter how pretty the girl is, Lloyd, if she asks you to be her kawaii-desu-chan-san or anything else that resembles butchered Mizuhoan, get out of there; she's just a Mary Sue who wants to...do things I don't want you exposed to. Chances are good we'll land in a Harry Potter crossover eventually, everyone does..."

An hour later they entered the city walls, Kratos still lecturing Lloyd. For Kratos, it was important Lloyd knew every nook and cranny of fan fiction, lest he be torn apart by the vicious monster known as the authoress (Kratos had little doubt it was a female, they mostly all were). He smiled, feeling slightly, dare he say it, proud of his boy. He had done well, listening to Kratos's words of wisdom for the entire hike. Even so, he reminded himself that he still needed that copy of Parenting For Dummies...

Zzzzzz... Feeling his eyes nearly pop out of his head, Kratos spun in shock to gawk at his son. No, it couldn't be possible...had Lloyd truly fallen asleep walking? He had heard rumors of the boy's ability to fall asleep standing up, but this was on its own level. He wasn't even mad, that was impressive.

...Still, he needed that book. He'd probably end up smacking Lloyd with it, but he sorely needed that book. Now, how to best wake Lloyd?

The answer came so quickly to Kratos that he was almost ashamed, and though it seemed like a dirty trick to the chivalrous former knight he couldn't help a dark chuckle as he leaned in close to Lloyd's ear and said, "Raine made tomato soup again."

"KILL IT WITH FIRE!" Lloyd cried, less than an animal in his dramatic fear. Unaware of his actual surroundings, Lloyd curled up into the fetal position and awaited his inevitable death by culinary failure.

Instantly Kratos felt guilt saw at him. "...I apologize for that." Perhaps that hadn't been the best course of action. Now Lloyd would never trust him again...No. Even he wasn't this tragic, nor would he have given such a direct apology, even to Lloyd. The distorted mana in the air was tangible, and it was affecting Kratos's own behavior. He could smell it, and it strongly smelled like tragic backstory, bitterness, and...cologne? What in the world?

"Be on guard, I'm sensing something wrong with the mana."

Lloyd was still curled up like a giant red gumball, but through his fright he still managed to heed Kratos's words. "Why's that? ...And why am I on the ground?!"

"Though the authoress who instigated this fiasco cannot directly attack our personalities and rewrite the inner workings of our minds, we can still feel the overall auras of each fanfic's realm. This realm, whatever type of fanfic it may be, is already influencing our behavior - your sense of fear has increased tenfold and my...parental instincts have reared their ugly head, as well as my eternal guilt complex.

"Besides," he said, sniffing the air again to ensure he hadn't been mistaken. "This world absolutely reeks."

Lloyd blinked, disbelieving that the ancient, classy angel had used a word like "reeks", but he too took a whiff as he got off the ground. "...Yuck! What is that? It stinks like one of the richie neighborhoods in Meltokio!"

"That smell would be called Eau de Seduction - better known as Axe Body Spray," Kratos explained. "Many males of your generation use it to conceal their stench after not showering for years as well as to seduce young women who lack functioning neurons in their noses. Meaning it smells disgusting and fails at its job, but men don't aways believe that."

As they began strolling down a city street, hands gripping their respective weapons like their lives (and sanity) depended on it, Lloyd frowned at the state of their surroundings. "...If it smells so much like men then why aren't there any around?"

Kratos, having made the same observation, locked eyes with Lloyd and shared his worry. From this distance this city had appeared to be even larger than Meltokio, yet they had yet to pass a male citizen. All they had seen so far were women, and none of them were younger than their twenties or thirties.

"Da-Kratos!" Kratos flinched as he caught Lloyd's normal slip-up but looked the way Lloyd pointed, gasping to himself when he laid eyes on both Yuan and Botta, strolling down the street with a grin plastered on Yuan's face and a blank expression on Botta's. "How's that even possible?" Lloyd murmured in shock.

"Lloyd, they aren't the Yuan and Botta from our world. Remember that." Still, even he found himself wondering at both the dead man walking and the strangely happy Yuan. Perhaps Martel was still alive in this world? Heh, if she was then he wished them the best, even fanfic characters deserved that he supposed...

Lloyd was obviously disheartened but he still waved to the half-elven pair. "Still, maybe we can ask for directions! Hey there! Hellooooo!"

Kratos rolled his eyes at his progeny's antics but Yuan and Botta still came over, Yuan wiggling his fingers like a little demure schoolgirl waving to a boy, and Botta having a dark look on his face like he'd tried a whole crave case full of the greasiest White Castle sliders and was now regretting his dining choice on the toilet. "What is it?" asked the half-elven, British Wolverine impersonator.

Signaling to Lloyd that he would do the talking, Kratos stepped forward and asked, "I'm afraid we only recently moved into the area. Can you point us in the direction of the city hall or a similar establishment?"

While the adults discussed their boring adult business, the shy, awfully cutesy version of Yuan skipped like Colette in a flowery meadow over to the nearby patch of grass. Carefully shifting his cape as to not snap his neck, Yuan daintily sat down on the green and plucked a dandelion from the earth. By now he had Lloyd's undivided attention, a feat Raine would've eyed with green irises of envy.

Sensing the scrutiny, Yuan nodded his head and beckoned to Lloyd, patting the grassy space next to him. Lloyd still hesitated. He may be acting like a sweet little kindergarden girl, but he was still Yuan in his eyes. The man was about as trustworthy as a rickety rope bridge in an episode of Pokemon, and those only existed for the sole purpose of falling.

Even so, he had a gut feeling that he needed to listen to what Yuan had to say, so ignoring the Kratos-like voice in his head advising him to punt Yuan's sneaky head off he strode over and sat next to Yuan. "...Hi."

Yuan had an electric blue notebook in his hands and was furiously scribbling down some sort of message. Lloyd only had an instant to puzzle over this before Yuan stuffed the notebook and pencil in his hands, gesturing for Lloyd to read it while shooting nervous glances at Botta.

Lloyd, humoring Yuan, looked down...and he couldn't read a single word of Yuan's loopy handwriting. I can't read this, Lloyd wrote back, passing the notebook back to Yuan.

Yuan read Lloyd's reply, scowled, and wrote another message. Once again, Lloyd couldn't read it. "I have no idea what you're writing-"

"I said your handwriting sucks!"

Kratos and Botta both paused to stare blankly at Yuan, having been interrupted by his little outburst.

"What was that, Yuan?" Not-Hugh Jackman inquired, his frown impossibly deepening. Now he'd added Taco Bell to those White Castle sliders.

"Oh, nothing!" Yuan exclaimed, as chipper as a chipmunk. Out of the corner of his mouth, he hissed to Lloyd, "Act disgustingly adorable."

"Why would I-"

"Just do it!"

Recalling one of Zelos's most prominent floozies in Meltokio, Lloyd did his best to imitate a preppy giggle as he executed a cuter version of the trademark Zelos hair flip. "Teehee, you betcha! We're just super duper!" Lloyd had never given self-mutilation serious consideration before, but as Kratos gave him a horrified look he felt so ashamed he just wanted to punish himself.

However, despite discomfort all around, the ploy succeeded: Botta refocused his attention on Kratos and the super duper dynamic duo sighed in relief.

Meanwhile, Yuan pulled some sort of magitechnology literally out of his ass: he kept a fanny pack hidden behind his froofy cape. Swiping the tablet screen, Yuan opened up a notepad and typed a message to Lloyd instead.

But really, your handwriting sucks.

Shut up, Yuan! Lloyd slowly typed back, unused to the letters on the keyboard.

Yuan kept shooting dubious glances at Botta but managed to type. I do have a favor to ask of you, but first off who the hell are you and how do you know my name?

Oh, I know you in another life. You were a jerk who constantly talked in annoying clichés and then you tried to kill me.

Of course you do. Yuan obviously didn't buy the true story but he decided to let it go. Listen, brat, you have to help me.

Why?

Because you two aren't from around here, so you're obviously not that guy's slave and I doubt your strange, older, redheaded look-alike there has been brainwashed like Botta or a lot of the other men.

Lloyd read the message, paused, and peeked up at the strangely chatty Kratos. True, he was just wheedling information out of the (brainwashed?) alternate Botta, but when Kratos talked this much...he really did look like an older version of Lloyd. Just more bishie and debatably lacking a soul thanks to his hair being so close to ginger. He's actually my dad, believe it or not, and what do you mean by brainwashed?

Yuan looked from Lloyd to Kratos and back to Lloyd again. ...Hmm, I see the resemblance. All the more reason for you to help me, this city won't be safe for a pair like you two.

What's wrong with this city, and why is Botta brainwashed?!

Yuan snatched the tablet away from Lloyd and scowled. Ah, there was the Yuan that Lloyd knew and didn't particularly love! If you'd stop stealing my tablet before I can finish writing then I'd tell you! As I was saying, this city is entirely ran by the Pimp Master and a gaggle of revolting women. What they do is kidnap all the men and either brainwash them, like Botta, or brainwash and/or enslave the remaining men to the brainwashed ones, like me. Then the women will force the men to engage in...activities for the women's enjoyment.

If you're not careful they'll gobble up your father like man candy and, God forbid, pair you up with him, they love to do that. However, if you go to the city hall it'll be your best chance to sabotage this whole operation the Pimp Master and his slutty lieutenant are running...that is, if you can fight. You're pretty scrawny, brat.

Lloyd glared the signature Aurion glare (now copyrighted as well!) and stabbed at the keypad with his furious fingers. We're the best you'll ever get, just you watch!

No offense, but they managed to take me down when they caught me in the middle of espionage, how do you expect to do better?

Did I mention how I totally kicked your ass in another life too?

Yuan rolled his eyes but grinned wolfishly all the same. Good. If things do go sour then I'm almost certain our rebel organization planted a spy who can get you out. Look for the only women at the city hall not dressed like a whore, that'll be her. She'll take you to our leader and you can go from there. Please tell me you're not a total idiot and you got all that.

Shut up, you jerk, I got it. Just a couple questions...what's a pimp? What are they using the men for? And what do you mean by "pair you up with him?"

Yuan's blue eyebrows shot to his hairline, but seeing Botta marching toward them he closed out the notepad and opened a game, some hideous monstrosity featuring a suicidal bird and a series of illogically placed green pipes. "Aww, Bo-Bo, do we haaaaaave to leave?" Yuan whined, pouting. Lloyd had to restrain a laugh, and glancing behind Botta's shoulder he could see even Kratos fighting the same urge.

"Let's go, Yuan," Botta barked, taking Yuan by the hand and dragging the bluenette away.

Yuan giggled again and waved wildly to Lloyd. "Bye-bye! Good luck with your field trip!" His lips said to be happy but his eyes said that if Lloyd and Kratos didn't save him from Botta then Yuan would personally flog them.

"Botta was awfully gruff," Kratos muttered once the half-elves were gone. Lloyd didn't comment on the hypocrisy of that statement. "And Yuan's behavior was traumatizing, pity we didn't film that for blackmail."

"He's actually a pretty good actor in this world," Lloyd replied.

He quickly relayed Yuan's spiel to Kratos. When he finished, Kratos crossed his arms, a thoughtful frown on his face. "So as usual, the government is corrupt. How surprising."

"Wait, so you're not going to tell me what a pimp is either?" Lloyd groaned.

"I'll tell you when you're older."


By the time they reached the city halls Kratos had a vein throbbing in his temple thanks to Lloyd's incessant questions he refused to answer. Save at the Iselian Human Ranch when he, Lloyd, Presea, and the disgusting Tethe'allan Chosen had gone after Forcystus, he had never considered traveling with duct tape to employ as a gag. Back then he'd wanted it for silencing the Chosen's nonstop, ironic taunts regarding Kratos's "feminine looks" and traitor status. Now he needed duct tape to shut up Lloyd's questions regarding pimps.

Funny he didn't know what a pimp was when he'd pretty much traveled with one for months. Kratos's lips twerked into a snarl. Note to self: don't let Lloyd travel with a whore again without parental supervision.

Thankfully Lloyd calmed down by the time they reached the towering city hall. The interior had a garish color scheme of pink and gold, but the woman at the front desk was modestly dressed in a red tunic, leggings, and a Desian-like helmet compared to all the other employees they'd seen in metal bikinis and skirt-thong combos. This wasn't Final Fantasy, it was Tales, heroic women rarely dressed like prostitutes here!

"May I help you?" said the receptionist, and Kratos blinked owlishly at the oddly familiar voice, feeling something long thought dead race through him. Her voice wasn't the prettiest, but she sounded genuinely happy to see them...he had to watch himself, she could be their insider but she could also be one of those dreaded Mary Sues.

"Hi!" said Lloyd, leaning on his elbows and grinning at the woman. Obviously he thought this was the spy. He was far too trusting for Kratos's picky taste sometimes. "We're here to blow this joi-" Kratos subtly elbowed Lloyd in the ribs, making the boy crumple in anguish. Oops...perhaps that hadn't been so subtle. His bad.

"We came for information," Kratos smoothly covered for Lloyd.

She gave him a very long look, then she pointed over her head with a cheeky grin. "Well there, Handsome, if you'd looked over my head you would've seen the bright, obnoxiously pink sign that reads 'INFORMATION' so I'd say you're on the right track. How's your...friend?" Is he alive?"

Still coughing in pain, Lloyd propped himself back up on the desk and hacked on the woman's paperwork. "My son is fine," Kratos responded.

"Oh, so you're straight! Yay!" she cheered, clapping her hands together excitedly. Lloyd jolted at the sudden excitement and Kratos felt worry course through his veins. Was that...abnormal around these parts?

Then, realizing she had somehow done something wrong, the woman clapped one callused hand over her mouth. "Sorry, sorry...hope no one else heard me. You single?"

Despite her eyes being covered, Kratos could practically feel her gaze traveling up and down his form. The modest, nearly prudish angel uncomfortably crossed his arms over his muscular chest (why did females always have to do this? It made things so awkward, he'd even caught Colette checking him out before!) and said, "Widowed, actually. It's only Lloyd and myself now."

"Oh." An ashamed blush clouded her visible skin. "I, um...that's unfortunate. I'm so sorry, I can be so rude sometimes. Ha ha ha..." she trailed off, looking as awkward and out of place as Lloyd during a standardized test. "Well, so, if you're straight...why did you come here on your own?"

"We're new to the area and my new friend Yuan sent us here," Lloyd explained. Glaring dryly at Kratos, he added, "No offense, D-Kratos, but you hit like a Rheiard."

"It's okay, stud, I don't think they care about child abuse here," said the woman to Kratos. She sighed heavily. "Probably because there are no children around here anymore. You're lucky you got to have a kid, I always wanted one..."

Kratos hadn't been planning on asking, but something was nagging at him, gnawing at his mind, and he just couldn't take it. "What's your name?"

She shrugged, that kooky grin returning. "Well, the lady of the night in charge probably would want me to give you some ridiculous, long-winding name that includes at least a 'Sakura' and an 'Enoby' too, but-"

"Why are you talking to the men?" drawled a familiar, snooty voice that reflexively made Lloyd draw his Material Blades. Kratos displayed much more restraint, but he still twisted with inhuman speed to face a green-haired, sleazy half-elf in red lingerie and some sort of flying magitechnology contraption. Once again, another person from their lives was back from the dead in this world.

"L-Lady Pronyma!" the receptionist stuttered, standing up to shakily salute. "I'm sorry! Gah, I'm so sorry, they're just...visiting! Yeah, that!"

Pronyma elegantly raised an eyebrow on her cake-face, making Lloyd snarl even as he sheathed his swords. It wasn't fair, he could only raise both eyebrows at a time... "Oh, I suppose you came here yourselves to take the placement test." She sized Kratos up, then turned her ravenous gaze on Lloyd and cover be damned, Kratos felt the violent urge to chop Pronyma to bite-sized pieces and feed her to the beasts of Niflheim, and not necessarily in that order. "Right this way!"

Lloyd and Kratos cringed but decided the best way to figure out the going-ons and to infiltrate the building was to follow along. "...Test?" Lloyd whimpered to Kratos, eyes wide in terror. "You know I don't do well with tests! Remember Palmacosta?"

The receptionist stood, walked around her desk and reassuringly gripped Kratos and Lloyd by the shoulders. "Don't panic, Lloyd, it's just like a survey!" More quietly, she leaned in close by Kratos's ear and whispered, "She's trying to test if you're a submissive uke or a dominant seme in order to involve you in her pornography. Test too strongly as a seme and she'll capture you and brainwash you, but test as an uke and she'll capture you so a brainwashed seme can use you.

"Your best bet is to BS and make sure you're neutral in your results, it rarely happens but when it does she tries to kill that person. It sounds crappy but that's your best way out of here, and you'll be fine as long as the Pimp Master doesn't show up. I'll even help you out of here! Just be careful and don't die."

Kratos turned to look her in the eye despite her helmet, oddly comfortable with her this close, and that nagged at him more than anything. "I still didn't catch your name."

"Heh," she chuckled. "Give me your name and I'll give you mine! Or if you want I can give you my number instead...or not, that was pretty rude too. Tell you what, make it out of here alive and I'll tell you all you want about me, Mister Kratos!"

"...I suppose."

Seeing Lloyd nearly seizing up at the possibility of a test, she patted him comfortingly on the hair and said, "Wow, for being so spiky you hair's really soft! I thought I was going to stab my hand on it!"

Kratos dragged the paralyzed, frightened Lloyd away before the mysterious woman could fondle Kratos's own hair. The receptionist, now for certain their spy, smiled and waved before going back to her paperwork.


Write your name here. Lloyd grinned impishly to himself as he filled out the first blank on the test. Finally, a question on a test he knew the answer to!

The rest of the test, however, was multiple choice, and Lloyd was totally baffled.

1.) In the event of seeing an abandoned puppy kicked down on the side of the road, do you:

A: Take it home, you love cute things and being nice because you're just so sensitive!

B: Coldly regard it and perhaps give it another kick, even if it reminds you of your uke back at home. Especially if it reminds you of your uke, actually.

C: Disregard it, you're too busy being a nag who just needs to die.

D: Eat the puppy!

Lloyd didn't understand why this was a question but he put A...who would even answer with D, anyways?

2.) What do you get your lover for Valentine's Day?

A: Hairspray to maintain his sexy emo bangs

B: Your lover will accept whatever you give him, but he likes a good beating

C: Promises you don't intend to keep

D: A toaster

Now what? Deciding to cheat a little, he gazed at Kratos. The seraph was snarling at his survey and muttering, "Anna just liked chocolate..." That didn't help Lloyd. He just put D, he liked toast.

3.) Pick your favored position:

A: Dom/top

B: Sub/bottom

...What the? "Hey, what'd you get for number three?" he asked Kratos.

"Circle random answers, Lloyd, I refuse to explain what these questions mean," the man hissed in fury as he circled yet another random letter. "The point is to avoid in leaning in one direction..."

Lloyd nodded and circled A. "Uh...what'd you get for number four?"

"Stop cheating, Lloyd."


Lady Pronyma chuckled darkly to herself as she made her fifth lap around the room. Business here at the Utopian Yaoi Ranch, based in the city hall for local convenience, had recently slowed thanks to the finishing of their infamous Nifty Tints of May trilogy, but the newest subjects that had just finished the survey...ohohoho, were they promising!

In fact, Pronyma had received the glorious opportunity to check out the new boys personally. The first was clear seme material - tall, dark, and spiky, with hair hanging over his eye to signal he was of the brooding type. Pronyma couldn't wait to work with that one.

The other was most likely an uke - a bit on the skinny side and cheerful. Even his reaction to the test was typical, hiding behind the seme until the dominant male told him to take the test. Maybe they'd even end up together for her yaoi artwork photoshoots! True, they did bear a resemblance to one another, but if blood relations didn't matter on Game of Thrones then they didn't matter in the yaoi work they produced here!

Their yaoi production had declined, despite even the best efforts of the Pimp Master to keep up their revenue, but these two recruits could be all the boost they needed. Yes, it was all mostly against the will of the men, but the women involved all benefitted!

Pronyma's patience was finally rewarded when a woman in a helmet and a bikini skimpier than Pronyma's own (why they were clad in swimsuits during a polar vortex, no one knew. Perhaps the cold never bothered them anyway), but she was enraged by her employee's words. "Ma'am, we believe there was a computer error, these results...they're just not possible..."

Her (hideous) beautiful face darkened as she sneered. "Why? They were perfect specimen and their results should have been obvious. What went wrong?"

The underling quivered in fear but showed Pronyma the computer monitor, eliciting a shriek of rage from the half-elven harlot.


"So how do you think we can sabotage this place?" Lloyd asked once he and Kratos were safely alone. "Raine isn't exactly here to blow this place sky high."

Kratos sighed. "Even if there was a way to detonate the building, we don't know if there are any innocents inside here, what with Yuan said about brainwashing and what the spy said as well. Furthermore, if my hunch is correct..."

"Your back looks fine, it doesn't have a hunch!"

Kratos simply stared at Lloyd for an awfully long time. His son wasn't that...stupid, was he? This was all his fault, dropping Lloyd on his head as a baby, honestly...it had only been twice, but Anna never let that go!

But no, Lloyd had a dark gleam in his eyes, a telltale sign to Kratos that Lloyd knew this place was fishier than a sashimi platter. "This place appears to be a manufacturing plant for yaoi material."

"You figured that out awfully quickly, consideting you're new to the area!" This time Lloyd and Kratos shunned restraint and drew their respective swords and baseball bat as Pronyma entered the room. Multiple guards who thought swimsuits were fine substitutes for actual armor trailed after all, all of them gigging as they beheld Kratos's muscular figure.

The green-haired harpy was glaring metaphorical daggers at the father and son, but if things got any worse Kratos knew she'd be throwing literal daggers at them instead. "Now riddle me this, you two!" she ranted. "Our test has exactly three results: seme, uke, and female. Dom, sun, and woman...now HOW did you two test out to be GIRLS?!" she screamed, spittle flying from her mouth like acidic projectiles all the guards ducked and covered to avoid.

"That's kinda a stupid system, don't you think?" Lloyd pointed. "I mean, anyone who gets dragged in here could just cheat..."

"Silence, filthy uke!" she bellowed.

Kratos, not taking his eyes off Pronyma, reached up with his gauntlet to slowly, dramatically wipe Pronyma's saliva off his cheek. "So this place is essentially a ranch for yaoi. You judge the men as either dominant or submissive, then force them into yaoi publishings whether they like it or not. Then you kill any of the women who try to help them, I imagine. How pathetic," he sneered.

Kratos had shielded Lloyd by pushing the boy behind him when Pronyma had become a saliva-breathing dragon, but Lloyd angrily shoved past to yell, "Will someone finally explain to me what you guys are making here?! What's yaoi?!"

Kratos went to change the subject but Pronyma - curse her to the final floor of Niflheim with only three furious, seraphic bonus bosses for company - interrupted by shouting, "It's PORN, you simpleton! PORN!"

Lloyd wrinkled his nose in disgust, just like a kindergardener who had caught his parents kissing. "Ewwww, so like that crap Zelos keeps under his bed?"

Kratos swore to cast Judgment on Zelos's mansion before Lloyd could peek under Zelos's bed again.

Lloyd and Kratos expected Pronyma to be outraged, or even to dramatically monologue on why porn was awesome in her mind. They sure hadn't expected her to gasp in surprise and say, "You know Pimp Master Zelos?"

Kratos's face, meet Kratos's palm. Pleased to make your accquaintance. "Pimp...Master...Zelos." He barely could believe the words he was saying himself.

"Ooh, you're calling for me, hot stuff? Say my name again!"

Lloyd stiffened and clenched his teeth, quietly dreading this moment of truth. For the love of all things holy, Origin, please...please don't tell me that's the real Zelos.

Origin's voice, filled with so much annoying amusement, rang through his and Kratos's heads. So you've finally found your first missing friend...good luck fixing this one's personality.

He was dressed bizarrely in a white suit, a purple tie, and a douchebaggy feathered fedora, but his signature girly looks made him recognizable all the same. Grinning wolfishly, twirling his pimp cane, and flipping his hair like a girl in a shampoo ad (easy, breezy, beautiful, Covergirl. Especially the easy part), Pimp Master Zelos, King of the Semes, broke way too far into Lloyd's personal space bubble and sneered, "So what new meat for the market do we have today?"


So that's it for part one of act one! Up next we have a more in-depth explanation regarding the Yaoi Ranch, some bittersweet and/or hilarious reunions with characters, and an awkward father-son bonding assassination outing. Stay tuned, stay classy!