Authoress' Comments

Waya: Hi! I'm Waya if you couldn't guess. This is our first story we've ever written and the first thing we've ever put on the internet so I would appreciate it if all of you could be nice! If not someone may die...Any way I don't mind the constructive criticism like I missed a period or something might sound better if worded like this and so on and so on ect ect but if you could please refrain from saying the story sux or it's not funny because I don't really care and I'm going to put it up anyway and you will only be wasting our valuable story writing time

Miko: Yeah! Dudes, um, seriously, you shouldn't read this if you're just gonna be like "wow, that was gay" cause YOU'RE GAY! Haha, just joking. But yeah, uh, yeah, from the mouth of Kain "I don't care"

Kain: Stop stealing that thing that I say!

Raziel: I thought you didn't care

Kain: Just because I don't care does not mean she can steal that thing that I say!

Dante: Uh...guys? Your friend is really starting to freak me out

Narrator: Me too

Leroy: ::drooling over Dante::

Sephiroth: Do I get to say something other than 'cookies'?

Waya: Yeah! You get to bitch about not being able to say anything but 'cookies'

Sephiroth: Damn!

Vergil: Can I go home?

Waya: No! Now on with the story because I'm pretty sure no one wants to hear all of you bitch anymore! Welcome to the first chapter of the rest of the League of Extraordinary Idiots!

Kain: Wow... she picked that name well

Raziel: Too well...

Miko: I thought you didn't care?

Kain: I don't care, and stop agreeing with me, Raziel, it's not like you and its annoying...but I don't care

Raziel: O.o

Vergil: I hate my life...

Dante: I hate your life, too

Leroy: Autograph, autograph, autograph ::bounces up and down holding a pen and paper::

Waya: Ooooh, almost forgot the Disclaimer: I own none of these characters... except the Narrator... and Miko-

Miko: Hey! Bitch: I own you!

Waya: ::deadpans:: Aaanyway: Dante and Vergil to Capcom, Raziel and Kain to Eidos, Sephiroth to Square Enix and any other characters in here I don't own to there respected pwners, I mean owners. That was actually a typo but it was just too funny to delete

Chapter One

The League of Extraordinary Idiots Unite

(Uh oh...)

Characters

*Waya (not from a video game but wishes she was)

*Miko (does not speak douche, douche)

*Johnnie (is a dick)

*Leroy (in love with Dante and not from a video game)

*Narrator (who has a secret)

*Kain (Legacy of Kain: Defiance)

*Raziel (Legacy of Kain: Defiance)

*Vergil (Devil May Cry 3)

*Dante (Devil May Cry 3)

*Sephiroth (Final Fantasy VII)

Zombies

Girl Scouts

Mormons

Cops

Killer from 'When a Stranger Calls'

Giant zombie brain eating rats

Spider-Man

Midnight

Waya and Miko are chilling in Waya's room smoking cigarettes talking about doomsday singing "Zombie fighters! Do do do do do do!" when suddenly Waya's dead bird squawks. Then the phone rings. "Your turn!" Miko says. "Fuck you," Waya replies as she flips Miko the bird and not the dead one either. Getting up she answers the phone. "Hello?" she says only to be met with silence on the other end. "Fuck you too, ya douche," she replies hanging up the phone. Then suddenly in pops Kain, just pops, no portal, no door, no walking, he just pops...like popcorn. And just as Kain pops in, through the door comes Raziel. Pausing to catch his breath Raziel then yells out, "You will pay for stealing my map, Kain!" pointing at the ceiling. Ignoring Raziel Kain looks over the map he stole. Looking around he realizes something and voices his thoughts, "This isn't Disney Land." Just then through the kitchen door, which leads to Waya's room, in comes Johnnie eating a bag of popcorn.

All the while Miko and Waya are crying in a corner mourning over their burned out cigarettes, "Whaahaahaa!" Johnnie looks at Kain and Raziel. "Dude! Turn me into a vampire!" "Sure, you're a vampire," Kain responds sarcastically as he waves his hand at Johnnie. Turning back to Raziel's stolen map he and Raziel continue to argue about the best route to Disney Land. "Douche..." Johnnie mutters as he walks back out of the room glancing at the weeping girls. As Waya and Miko comfort each other at the loss of their cigarettes they notice Vergil walk through the garage door because Waya's room just happens to be a garage. So shut up.

Looking around he mutters a single word, "Power..." Deeming this room and its occupants powerless (douche) he leaves. What a douche. Where's the comedy? Noticing the sobbing Waya and weeping Miko Kain demands, not asks, demands, "WHERE'S DISNEY LAND!" "Now do you want Disney Land or Disney World because they're two totally different things miles and miles and miles apart," Miko says sarcastically because now she has switched from sad to pissed about her deceased cigarette, thanks to Kain's yelling, as Waya continues to sob in the background taking comfort from her dead bird. Pausing to scratch his head Kain returns to Raziel to discuss this new dilemma. Then just as Kain opens his mouth to respond to Miko's question Sephiroth comes crashing through the roof. Seconds later Mormons come dancing through the room singing "Zombie fighters! Do do do do do do!" only to be slaughtered and as they are being slaughtered Raziel yells, "Fuck you and your 110 year old couches!" "That's my line!" Johnnie yells from the kitchen over the sound of popping popcorn. Then the phone rings only to be shanked by Sephiroth who then yells, "Who the fuck's writing this shit?" Uh oh... "Where the fuck's myline?" "You just said your line!" a mysterious and disembodied voice responds.

Sephiroth proceeds to shank said voice. "Ouch! Don't do that!" the voice says. Then the back up phone rings, the phone Miko and Waya bought just incase the other phone happened to be shanked, because Johnnie was over more frequently and we all know what Johnnie likes to do and no it's not drink... okay maybe it is. Damn alcoholic. "Your turn," Waya happily reminds Miko. "Dick move," Miko replies as she presses the talk button. "Now is not a good time to call. What the fuck do you want?" "Ask them for directions to Disney Land!" Kain calls from the background. "You know, that's what Google maps are for," Waya tells Kain. "Don't like the internet," Kain replies. Waya deadpans. "Where's my line?" Sephiroth sobs uncontrollably from the other background, the one Kain's not using. Miko receives no answer from the phone which pisses her off as she yells, "Ya fucking douche!" After a short pause, in which Miko fumes, an answering voice responds, "Got a pen and some paper?" "Excuse me, douche? I don't speak douche," she says. "For the directions to Disney Land," the voice replies. "Oh," she responds as she passes Kain pen and paper and phone. Kain, Raziel, map, and phone retreat to a broom closet until further notice. "Fuck! Where's the light?" Kain asks, voice muffled by the door. "Try pulling that string," Raziel suggests. "I'm lonely," the voice on the phone puts in. "Shut up!" Kain yells into the phone. At which point Waya and Miko begin to discuss the original plan not to die repeatedly. Suddenly at 2:00 in the fucking morning Girl Scouts ring the door bell. "I got it!" Waya yells heading for the front door with Johnnie at her heels and Miko not far behind. Opening the door Waya says, "The fuck? Watchu want?" Johnnie says, "Oooh cookies. Can we get some?" Miko says. "You guys want some cookays?" "I want some cookies!" Sephiroth yells appearing like Kain did earlier; with a pop out of thin air. "We're selling Girl Scout cookies," a Girl Scout says. "Duh," Kain responds, standing behind Miko. "The hell you come from?" Miko asks Kain who shrugs his shoulders in response. "You're selling cookies at 2:00 in the fucking morning?" Waya asks. "Money's money," they reply in unison.

Sephiroth buys lots of thin mints then Kain comes and kidnaps the Girl Scouts leaving behind the money which Johnnie takes. Waya, being smart, makes a suggestion, "Shouldn't we check on Vergil?" "Oh a smart cookie," Miko replies popping a cookie in her mouth, Waya just stares not sure if Miko is talking to her or the cookie. "Why should we check on Vergil, he's not here," Kain says around a mouthful of Girl Scout cradling his mop, Raziel in the background finger painting the walls with a Girl Scout. "These come in handy," he says stepping back to take a look at his masterpiece. Looking at the walls Kain shakes his head saying, "Such a waste." "That's why we should check on Vergil; because he's not here," Waya mutters under her breath before adding to Raziel, "Now who's cleaning that up?" as she also takes a step back to marvel at Raziel's 'masterpiece'. Raziel points to Kain. As Miko lights up another, yes another, cigarette (chain smoker) she says, "No, he's not here but he came in , said 'power', then left shortly after you arrived and we all know that with great power comes great damage to the neighbors." "Only when it comes to Vergil and Kain and probably Johnnie as well," Waya adds. "Good point," Raziel says, stopping his painting. "No it's not," Kain argues. Raziel gives him the finger. "These cookies are good," Sephiroth says. "Yep," Johnnie agrees. Waya being oblivious while playing Devil May Cry 4.

2

Minutes

Later

Raziel and Kain finally realize there are three humans in the room. "I call the dumb one," Kain says. Waya and Miko look at Johnnie. "Which one's the dumb one?" Raziel asks. "Who cares? They're all food," Kain replies. "Well the dumb one is the one who didn't think of this plan: you two take Miko and I and make us your gophers so you two can sit and look pretty while we go and get you food but you have to train us first which means we each need separate litter boxes," Waya says taking deep breaths in between puffs of her cigarette. Miko adds, "Yeah, we were thinking that before you showed up because we're psychic," she giggles. "Yeah? Then what am I thinking?" Johnnie asks. "You wanna be a vampire," Miko says confidently. "You wanna get hit," Waya threatens, her words coming out as more of a growl. "You want more cookies?" Raziel asks shrugging. "You want blood...no wait, that's me," Kain says. "Meteor!" Sephiroth yells out randomly. "Fuck!" Miko curses. Then the phone rings. "Hello?" Raziel answers. "Cookies!" Sephiroth yells. "Cookies!" Johnnie echoes. "Have you checked the children?" a voice asks over the phone. "Let me check... anyone have any children?" Raziel asks the group of ...uh...we're leaving that blank. "No, Raziel's dead to me," Kain replies, disowning Raziel. Raziel flips him the bird. "No, I don't think so," Johnnie says. Man whore. "Nope, definitely not," Waya says, proud to be a virgin. "Uh...no, I'm gay, remember?" Miko reminds. And a slut. Shhh. "Cookies!" Sephiroth says. "Sorry, no children here," Raziel informs, hanging up the phone. "As you two were saying..." Sephiroth says to Waya and Miko, finally joining intelligence, not obsessed with cookies, and interested in their plan to work for Kain and Raziel, in order to stay alive. "Oh, well, basically-" Miko starts but is interrupted by Johnnie. "Wait, so you dicks would sit back and watch me die while you live and be gophers!" Johnnie accuses. "Pretty much," Waya says jokingly but truth be told she forgot about him. "Fuck that! I wanna be a fucking VAMPIRE!" Johnnie yells not seeing the joking part. Kain and Raziel are thinking over the idea Waya suggested until Raziel is suddenly distracted by Spider-Man -'The Fuck?' he thinks. -fighting off a giant brain eating zombie rat - 'The Fuck?' - on the roof -'The Fuck!' -"Not my brain ya douche!" -'...' -Spider-Man yells. "Oooh, puppy!" Sephiroth says grabbing a hold of the rat which begins to chew on Johnnie's head but dies of starvation. "Hey Kain! It's Spider-Man!" Miko yells out like the idiot she is. Now what gave her the impression that Kain would care? "Who the fuck cares?" Kain replies. Hmmm... "I care," Sephiroth says receiving a high five from Miko. "Yay! I'm loved!" he says while Johnnie sits on the couch drooling. "I got it!" Waya yells taking off her boot. "No, Waya! Put your boot back on!" Miko yells.

3:00 am

We find the League of Extraordinary Idiots sitting in the living room now consisting of Waya, Miko, Johnnie, Sephiroth, Kain, Raziel, and Spider-Man who is sitting on the roof. Spider-Man's thoughts: 'Holy shit this is stupid.' Miko says, "Spider-Man, you're my favorite super hero but you're not going to survive. Just go and kill yourself. It's less painful." "So...how am I your favorite?" Spider-Man asks. Miko just shrugs. "Wait! Before you kill yourself give me some beer," Johnnie says. "NO!" Sephiroth yells. "He can't die! He's not black!" he finishes on the verge of tears. "Oh! That reminds me, while ya'll are on black people I have to call Leroy," Waya says. Getting up she grabs the phone and as she is dialing Leroy's number the phone rings. Hitting the reject button she proceeds. "Why is Jess calling Leroy?" Johnnie asks Miko. "Because we need the token black dude," Miko replies. Sephiroth laughs diabolically cuddling his rat. Thinking about what Waya said about checking on Vergil Miko addresses Sephiroth, "Hey Sephy-" only to be cut off as Sephiroth wails, "No! Not the nicknames again!" Miko giggles and finishes her sentence, "You should really go check on Vergil." "Anything to escape the nicknames!" he yells in response flying out of the house.

They Order Pizza

4:18 am

Sephiroth comes crashing through the front door interrupting the Halo tournament and preventing Waya's death because it turns out Kain doesn't like to lose. "Guess what. Guess what. Guess what," Sephiroth repeats. Miko opens her mouth to say 'what' but Sephiroth speaks first, "Me and Vergil are taking over the world!" Kain smacks his forehead saying, "Fuck." Raziel asks, "Where's the rat?" Johnnie drools on Waya. Waya smacks him causing Miko to say, "I wanna plaaaay!" and smacks Johnnie. Then Waya smacks Johnnie, then Miko smacks Johnnie, then Waya, then Miko, then Waya, then Miko while Spider-Man slips out the window thinking, 'What the fuck's wrong with these people? This shit's so stupid.' Needless to say, Johnnie's cheeks hurt. Then the disembodied voice appears and asks, "When did ya'll get pizza?" Forgetting about conquering the world Sephiroth heads for the pizza. Then, as though the thought just occurred to it, the disembodied voice asks, "How did ya'll pay for the pizza?" around a mouthful of said pizza.

Flash Back

3:09 am

Ding Dong

"Pizza's here!" somebody yells. Kain answers the door. "Nooooo...Shit fuck," says Waya already knowing what's to come. "That will be $38.42," says the pizza guy. "Money? Money! You expect the mighty and powerful Kain to pay for anything!" Kain demands as Waya covers her eyes. Looking thoroughly amused Raziel responds, "I think he does." as the pizza guy begins to drool, having his brain eaten by brain eating zombie rats. "Ah...that's where the rat went," Raziel concludes watching the flash back. Kain proceeds to shank poor little stoner pizza guy in the flashback while yelling, "I pay for nothing!" With little stoner pizza guy now shish kabob everyone, who can, begins to eat pizza while waiting for Sephiroth to return. "Any one wanna play Halo?" Waya asks. Miko mutters, "Oh shit. We are so dead. Mmm, pizza."

End Flash Back

4:20 am

"Mmm, pizza," Sephiroth says. Suddenly somewhere in Rome while killing demons Dante hears pizza spoken at 8 Darlene Ln. How the fuck he knows that even he doesn't know, but he comes running anyway. Upon arriving pizza is gone. Breaking down and crying, sobbing, and sniffling over the brutalized, massacred, and all around eaten pizza he leaves. Just as Dante is leaving Leroy comes and watches as Dante walks away. Five seconds later he asks, "Was that Dante? Where the fuck's my pen and paper?" Chasing after Dante he yells, "I love you! Can I have your autograph?" Turning around Dante sees a giant sobbing black dude running towards him. If time were to suddenly slow it would go something like this: Boom...Boom...Boom...Boom...Bolting Dante cries for his mommy.

Zooming across the city we join Vergil at his dark and sinister Tower and yes Tower is capitalized because it is. "I don't do comedy," he says crossing his arms so now the camera zooms to Dante and Leroy. The Narrator, now revealed as Aquaman, laughs his ass off and zooms back to the house.

5:09am

Johnnie is passed out on the couch. Waya is passed out, yet still trying to play Devil May Cry 4, on her 360. Spider-Man is...well...he's just gone. Miko is playing Uno with Sephiroth or 'Sephy' as she like to call him, how she got his brain to work well enough for Uno, or anything for that matter, no one may ever know and Kain and Raziel are playing spades. Then the doorbell rings followed by a very familiar squawk. Miko jumps up to answer it. Opening the door she sees a phone which begins to ring. Answering the phone she says, "Olar." On the other end Vergil mumbles, "Better than cookies..." before raising his voice, saying, "My dark and sinister Tower went up in flames...aaand I need a place to crash...but don't tell Dante or I'll kill you." Muttering "Douche." at the threat Miko responds saying, "Hold on, I have to ask..." Addressing the background Miko yells, "IS IT OK IF VERGIL CRASHES HERE BECAUSE HIS TOWER WENT... BAM!" "Melodramatic much?" Vergil asks. Miko is responded to with a series of "Don't care"s except for Sephiroth who yells, "Cookies!" followed by Vergil who says, "Idiot." And Johnnie who drools with Leroy in the background who, not only gets a line, finally, but has Dante cornered trying to get an autograph, "Can I please have your autograph?" Dante, being cornered, is crying like a baby, "No! Don't pinch my cheeks!" yelling for help while jabbing at Leroy with his sword who won't die because he's fat. All of this causes a disturbance making the police show up.

5:12 am

Vergil shows up and rings the doorbell which is answered by Sephiroth who yells, "Cookies!" with Dante and Leroy behind Vergil also looking for a place to crash and hide from the police. Sephiroth, being stupid, yells out, "Cookies!" and lets them all in, zombies and Mormans included. Poor zombies because we all know what's going to happen but fuck the Mormans because everyone knows Mormans and old people don't have souls.

Flash Back To Vergil's Tower

4:43 am

"...Well...would you look at that...Who the fuck left the goddamn oven on!" Vergil says as he looks at his flaming Tower. Hey look, he did comedy. Whipping out his, and no need to be perverted here, cell phone he sends Waya's dead, but newly resurrected so technically no longer dead, bird to her house to leave his second phone at her front door. Praying Sephiroth doesn't answer the phone he dials the number.

End Flash Back

6:46am

"Cookies!" Sephiroth yells out waking up Johnnie who yells, "Beer!" which wakes up Waya who swings her boot yelling, "I got it!" hitting Vergil who wakes up yelling, "Power!" and shanks Dante who wakes up yelling, "Pizza!" waking up Leroy who yells, "Can I have your autograph?" which wakes up Raziel who yells, "Die!" hitting Kain who wakes up and yells, "Vae Victus!" smacking Miko who wakes up yelling, "I swear she wasn't my bitch!" Everyone, now being awake, looks at Miko except for Dante who is ultimately trying, keyword being trying, to kill Vergil for shanking him. Everyone gives Miko the 'dyke' look, including Dante and Vergil who stop trying to kill each other just for that.

Raziel walks off to look for more giant brain eating zombie rats, Kain goes back to sleep, and Dante and Vergil continue to fight in the background. Blood. Lots of blood. Then the phone rings. Raziel answers the phone, sucks the guy's soul through the phone, eats it and says, "Call now ya fucking douche!" then leaves to look for giant brain eating zombie rats again. Then the doorbell rings and Leroy answers it. The police are standing at the threshold of stupidity. To prove said point Sephiroth pops up behind the cops and yells, "Cookies!" then pops up behind Leroy and yells, "Cookies!" and then Sephiroth pops up on the roof and yells as loud and as annoying as he can, "COOOOOKIEEEEES... ... ...rule." The cops look at each other then look at Kain, Miko, Waya, Leroy, Dante and Vergil, with swords protruding from them, then Johnnie, Raziel, and finally Sephiroth who is still on the roof, and walk away. Cop #1, Bob, says, "We soooo need to lay off the donuts." Cop #2, Bill, agrees. Then all of a sudden... "Cookies!" Then everyone goes back to bed until chapter two; The League of Extraordinary Idiots on a Normal Day. "Cookies!" Shut up, Sephiroth.

Waya: Well that's it until we get chapter two up and I made some changes and yes me and Miko...o.k. well I, invented the song Zombie Fighters and yes I do have a dead bird sitting in my room... ...Tell us what you think!

Miko: I can't believe you made changes without me ::goes and pouts in the corner::

Waya: Then be here more often

Sephiroth: Yay!

Vergil: Oh boy...I can't wait ::sarcasm::

Dante: Do we get pizza in chapter two?

Waya: Yes, we get pizza

Dante: Yes!

Leroy: Can I PLEASE get Dante's autograph in chapter two?

Waya: Yea, we'll give you his autograph

Leroy: Finally

Sephiroth: How come I start out smart and then become an idiot?

Waya: Because it's funny

Sephiroth: ...:\

Kain: Ooh! Do I get to kill someone?

Waya: Of course and so does Miko

Miko: Awesome! ::stops pouting::

Waya: Got anything to say Raziel? You're awfully quiet...

Raziel: ... ...Not really...

Waya: Oh, by the way. I'm also introducing a new character!

Vergil: Lovely... Whose life are you going to fuck up this time?

Waya: Aww... Don't be like that, Verg. I didn't really fuck your life up.

Vergil: Says you...

Dante: I actually like it here. Pizza all the time!

Johnnie: ::drools::

Sephiroth: And cookies!

Dante: Yeah!

Vergil: Idiots...

Kain: I agree...They are quite stupid...

Vergil: Hmmm...

Raziel: I can definitely do without all of my brethren's children...Though it is a bit too peaceful...

Kain: I miss killing people being legal...

Raziel: Yea...

Vergil: Where exactly do you come from where killing people is legal?

Kain: A place where killing people is legal

Raziel: Nosgoth...and it's not actually legal as much as everyone's too afraid to do anything

Vergil: Sounds like fun...

Waya: Alright you three, break it up and no plotting. We'll see ya next chapter! Say bye everyone!

Everyone: BYE!

Sephiroth: Cookies!

Kain: Don't care

Johnnie: ::drools::

Vergil: What ever...