Chapter 6
Alloran, since he knew what he was doing, flew the ship. "Alloran, before we go, can we stop by my place first? There's something I need to tell my family."
((What is it? You can call them from here.))
"Oh. Yeah. Good point." I had known that, in the back of my mind. But what I really wanted was to see them again. I was close with my family. I missed them now. And I missed Ronnie.
The others don't like Ronnie, I think. They probably feel like he stole me from Jake. But it wasn't like that. Jake and I were done with before I even met Ronnie. And he never asked me out; I asked him.
He was an incredible guy. He accepted all the terrible secrets of my past with just a casual shrug. He knew what I had to do and he didn't blame me for it. He didn't even blame me when I had to go off to fight again.
But more than that, he really understood what was important to me. He was as much into animals and nature as I was. But he never let anything come between us. That was the biggest difference between him and Jake, I think. With Jake, the war was always first. I don't blame him; that's the way it had to be. But that doesn't change the fact that that's the way it was. The war would always come before me. That wasn't the case with Ronnie.
When a hologram of him appeared in the middle of the cockpit, I almost tried to hug him. I managed to keep my composure; no need for David to see that. "Cassie? Where are you? You don't usually use holograms."
"I know. I'm on a ship right now… Look, Ronnie, I need to tell you something. I'm going away for maybe a week or two and I might not be able to call you because it might be too dangerous to send the signals. Don't worry if you don't hear from me for a bit."
"That it?" That was all he asked. He knew better than to ask me where I was going or what I was doing. I hadn't come out and told him that the Yeerks were back, but he knew.
"And…" I didn't want to say it in front of David. But I had no choice. Ronnie was expecting it. "And I love you."
"I love you too." I expected the hologram to disappear, but it didn't he stood there, looking at me. "I love you," he repeated. "And I can't believe I'm doing this as a hologram, but I can't wait on it. I can't wait until you get back to ask you."
"Ask me what?" My heart was hammering at my chest, trying to get out.
"Cassie, will you marry me?"
"Yes," I said instantly. Then, "No."
He raised an eyebrow. "Well, which is it? This is kind of an important question."
"I want to. There isn't anything I want more. But I can't. Not yet."
I couldn't really see his eyes as a hologram, so I couldn't tell what he was thinking. Luckily, he said it. "It's someone else, isn't it? Jake. I should have known. I should have—"
"It's not Jake, Ronnie. Jake's…he's gone. I'll never see him again. It's just…there are some things I have to do."
"I know all about these 'things,' Cassie. You think I don't know that the Yeerks are back? You think I'm such an idiot I can't figure it out?"
"No, Ronnie. I know you know. That's why I didn't tell you. You've known it as long as I have. I have to fight them, Ronnie. I have to."
"Why? Why you? We've got Tri-I. There are the other Animorphs. You could get anyone to do it. Why you?"
"Because I have no choice!"
"There's always a choice, Cassie. And now your choice is this. War or peace. Love or fight. Me or the Yeerks."
"Ronnie, you can't do this to me, I—"
"And you can't do this to me, Cassie. I can't live like this. I can't sit here not knowing if you're alive or dead. I can't sit here waiting for you."
"Ronnie—"
"You told me I meant the world to you, Cassie, that there was nothing more important to you than me. The girl I love isn't just talk. Now you have to decide what's more important: me or everything else."
"Do you even hear yourself? How can you be so selfish?"
"Back at you. You're so caught up in this war of yours that you've forgotten about the rest of us. Can't you see how you're hurting us?"
"Ronnie, I don't have a choice," I repeated.
His hologram sat down. I guess there was a chair behind him. His voice was low, now, quieter. "Yeah, you do. You know it, too. It's easier just to say that you have to fight. Then you can justify it to yourself, to everyone around you. But you always told me that you never stopped believing in peace.
"You once gave it all up. You quit the war. You quit the entire human race. All for Aftran, a Yeerk. I know, I know," he said quickly, before I could interrupt him, "she wasn't like the others. And in the end, it turned out that you did a very good thing.
"But here's my point, Cassie. You gave up everything. For her. For the enemy. How can you tell me you love me if you aren't willing to do the same for me?"
Chapter 7
((He has severed the communication,)) Alloran said unnecessarily.
((Oh,)) David taunted me. ((Is it hard to decide, Cassie? What's the 'right' thing to do? What would good, moral Cassie do? I wonder, did you think this hard before you decided to trap me?))
I glared at him. He only laughed. ((Did I hit a nerve?))
((Enough,)) Alloran snapped. ((The only thing I hate as much as a Yeerk is a traitor.))
((Ah, the little Andalite trying to sound tough. Kind of reminds you of old times, eh Cassie? Here we are again. The hypocrite, the coward, and me, stuck in the middle.))
((Did you just call me a coward?)) Alloran's voice was ice.
((That's right, I did. You're just like Ax was, you know that? Just a scared kid hiding in your brother's shadow. Only your brother…well, he's just a bird, now isn't he?))
Alloran's tail twitched. ((You will not speak ill of my Prince. I warn you of this only once, traitor.))
((What are you going to do, alien? Use that fancy tail of yours on me? That's the coward's way out. If you kill me, you don't have to face your problems. You don't have to face your fears. So do it. Prove me right.))
"Both of you cut it out," I ordered. "We're a team now."
((And I've seen how you treat your teammates, Cassie. You act all nice and sweet. And then, you betray them.))
"Not unless they betray me first." That kept him quiet for an hour or so.
But, of course, that didn't last for long. ((So, when do I get to hear what happened to the almighty Jake?))
"What do you mean?" I answered guardedly.
((I mean he obviously isn't here. And Tobias, of all people, is running this show. So what happened? Did he die on you?)) David laughed. ((No, no, no. I bet he cut and ran. He did, didn't he? He ran away. Just like you're going to, Cassie.))
"Jake didn't run. I'm not running. No one's running."
((Oh? So where is he? And if you aren't even thinking about running away, why don't you just call your boyfriend back and tell him so?))
I couldn't respond to David. And I forbade Alloran from doing so, too. I knew what David wanted. All he wanted, the only thing he could do, was hurt us. So we ignored him. That's what I told him. "David, we are now going to ignore you until you have something civil to say."
((Oh, the silent treatment. That really hurts.)) Then, ((Can I still do sarcasm? I haven't practiced it in a while because it's wasted when you're alone on a deserted island stuck in the body of a rat.))
We ignored him. I had a plan. For years, David had no one to talk to. Now, here we were, two intelligent creatures he could speak with. Only we refused to speak to him. I figured it would hurt him. Turns out I was right. I could still read people, even if I had misread David in the beginning.
((So, Alloran was it?))
((Aristh Alloran-Sirinial-Fangor,)) Alloran corrected.
((Right. So…I have a question.))
Alloran tilted a stalk eye at me and another at David. I nodded. "Go on."
((You and Tobias live on this ship, right?))
((That is correct.))
((I didn't think Andalites slept in beds. Or hawks.))
"Tobias is human now," I told him. "Crayak's doing. And that other bed isn't Alloran's. It's Rachel's."
David twitched. More than usual, I mean. He was a rat, after all, so he was bound to twitch constantly anyway. ((So you mean that the two of them….))
"Yeah." I knew it would hurt David a bit. He had developed some kind of sick fixation for Rachel.
((Oh.))
Again he was silent. I was glad. It gave me time to think.
I didn't think about Ronnie. I avoided that like the Yeerk pool. Instead, I concentrated on the task at hand. We had agreed that Alloran, David, and I would to the Anati. The Anati had been attacked by the Yeerks, so they wouldn't be kind to any Controllers and our group was the only one without a Yeerk in it.
Mostly, though, I thought about the Ellimist. What was he hoping to gain by putting David with me? There had to be an ulterior motive. But what?
Could he want me to bring David back to the Animorphs? But that was impossible. We had tried everything to keep David under control.
But no, that wasn't true. We had tried to force him to accept his new life. We jammed it down his throat the way it was crammed down ours. But that doesn't work for everyone. It hadn't worked for Marco; not until he found out that his mother was the host of the old Visser One.
We couldn't force our life on him and, when he resisted and fought back, we trapped him as a rat. We had thought it was the only thing we could do aside from killing him. But now I realized that there was one other way.
In all our plotting and planning, we had never thought that maybe, just maybe, we could turn David back. Maybe he wasn't too far gone. Maybe all he needed was for one of us to offer a helping hand instead of a killing claw.
Or maybe I was just an idiot girl with too many problems.
Chapter 8
I couldn't sleep that night. Neither could the other two. Alloran paced the deck of the ship. David pretended to sleep but he didn't fool either of us. "What's keeping you up, Alloran?"
((It is nothing.))
"Then why not sleep?" He didn't answer me. I hadn't really expected him to. He had been raised in the Andalite culture where all men were warriors. Warriors and leaders didn't stay up at night worrying. At least, not that they would let Alloran see. But I knew better.
See, I was a warrior. And I knew leaders. Jake used to be up all night constantly. I was up, too. And Rachel, Tobias, Ax, and Marco. We hardly slept during the war.
Still, I knew what was bothering him. It was the same thing that was keeping me up. "They'll be okay, Alloran. All of them. Marco and Jeanne can handle Esplin; Marco might even find a way to free Ax."
I regretted saying that as soon as I said it. It was wrong of me to give him false hope, wasn't it? But then, I've always thought that any hope, even false hope, is better than having no hope at all.
((I know that, Cassie. But… It is not Marco and Jeanne that I fear for.))
"Oh? You don't think Tobias and Rachel can handle themselves?" I asked.
((It isn't that I don't think they can't handle anything. Rachel is a strong warrior and Tobias is a great hero. But they trust Guraff.))
"Don't you?"
((He is a Yeerk,)) Alloran answered simply. ((I know that not all Yeerks are the same; I know about the Peace Movement. But Guraff is one of Esplin's only friends, his most trusted lieutenant. Such a Yeerk is certainly as bad as the rest.))
"So you don't trust Tobias' judgment?"
((It is not my place to question him.))
"Why not? We always questioned Jake. A leader needs to be questioned, Alloran. Not all the time, like in a battle, but when there is time. Tobias isn't perfect, you know."
Alloran didn't respond. He wouldn't speak ill of his prince, not even to me. I decided it was time to turn my attention to my other problem.
"David, I want to ask you a question."
((I want to go to sleep.))
"We both know that isn't happening. Now, will you talk civilly to me or should we go back to ignoring you?" I said it sweetly. I knew what his answer would be.
((I'll talk, I'll talk.))
"Alright. Why did you betray us?"
((That's your question? I thought you knew people, but you have to ask me why I did what I did?))
"Yes, I have to ask. I can't figure it out. You hated us and the Yeerks because you blamed us for losing you your family. But you didn't fight to get them back. You tried to run away instead of helping them. I don't get it. There had to be more to it than you hating us."
((That's because you don't understand hate. You've never felt it,)) David answered. ((Sure, you've been angry, but you don't hate. Not even the Yeerks, I think. Not even Esplin.))
He was right. I wouldn't give Esplin the victory of hating him. I wouldn't do that. "So explain it to me."
((That would be like you explaining love to me. It's something you have to feel.))
"Then can I tell you why I think you turned on us?"
((You just said you didn't know.))
"I said I didn't know," I agreed. "I didn't say I didn't have a guess."
((Fine. Why did I do it, oh mighty and wise Cassie?))
"Because we never liked you. We never accepted you. We never treated you as one of us. We kept you at arms length, on the outside. You couldn't feel like you belonged with us. And without your family to belong to, without friends to be with, you had nothing else to do. You turned against us because you were lonely."
((That makes no sense whatsoever. How would fighting the only people who could speak to me get me more friends?))
"It wasn't about making friends. It was about rejection. I can guess what it was like. You were the new kid. And not exactly popular, either. You were pushed away a lot. By all the kids at the schools you went to. And like you kept saying, being with us was like being at school. So you rejected us before we could reject you."
((You're crazy.))
"Said the talking rat."
David was quiet for about ten minutes. Then, quietly, he said, ((So what if I didn't want to get rejected? How is that my fault? You'd never have accepted me. You could never have understood me. Do you know what it's like to lose everything? To suddenly have everything you love stripped away from you?))
"No. I don't know what that's like. I've never been that unlucky. But Tobias has. You could have spoken to him."
((He isn't even human.))
"No? Are you a human, David?"
((Of course I am.))
"But your body's a rat's body."
((So what? I'm still a human inside!))
"So is he."
((No. No, it's different. He's a hawk in his mind. He's still a hawk. You think I couldn't see it? The whole time, he was looking at me like food. He called me Tasty!))
"So you don't have a rat's instincts? You don't feel the constant fear of large predators, even when you're morphed? You don't want to burrow deep into something soft and curl up? You don't want to hide in a dark place and nibble on some cheese?))
((It's different!)) David insisted.
"If you say so; like you said, I wouldn't understand. But even if he wasn't human anymore, Tobias used to be. And he would have understood."
((None of you could. You don't know what it's like to lose your family and your home and everything you love.))
"Tobias never even had a family. Or a home. Or anything or anyone to love or to love him. You could have spoken to him. Or to Ax; in a battle that shouldn't even have happened, he was separated form his entire species and he lost his brother. Marco lost his mother. Jake lost his brother. Rachel has no father. And me, I'll help anyone with their problems.
"But you didn't come to us. You hid inside yourself. Do you know why you betrayed us? I do. It wasn't that you hated us or blamed us. It was because you were afraid we might actually like you. That's what did it. Because the one thing you can't stand is being rejected by your friends. That's what you were running from, David."
Chapter 9
Was I right about David? Honestly I didn't know. I went to sleep after that. I used Rachel's bed since I figured she'd freak out if David was anywhere near it. In the morning, I decided it was time to figure out what we were going to do.
Tobias had told Alloran that he was to listen to me, and I knew the Andalite would take that as an official order. "Alloran, what do we know about the Anati?"
We were eating breakfast. For me, that meant scrambled eggs that the Reliquary made. For David, it meant just about anything lying around. For Alloran, it was processed, liquefied grass he could eat through his hooves.
((The Anati are an odd race. The individual members seem to be made of several different creatures working together.))
"Like the Nesk?"
((No, not if I understand the Nesk correctly. You know, of course, that the Nesk were all destroyed on Earth several million years ago.))
I nodded. That was a particularly bad memory for me. We had been blown backwards through time, back to when the dinosaurs walked the earth. They were accompanied by two types of aliens: the Mercora and the Nesk.
The Mercora were good. They were like big, many-eyed crabs. They didn't get along with the Nesk, so they used force-fields to keep the Nesk out. The Mercora were peaceful. The Nesk were not.
The Nesk were ants. Swarms of ants that could form into creatures. It was freaky. They seemed to work together, like any ant colony. Both the Nesk and the Mercora were destroyed when a comet hit Earth and wiped out the dinosaurs, too.
The reason I feel so bad about that is because it was our fault. The Nesk had a nuclear weapon that could blow us back into our own time and the Mercora wanted us to steal it so we could use it. We did it. And in the resulting battle, we drove the Nesk off of earth. But the Nesk had a little revenge: they altered the course of a comet so it would hit Earth.
The Mercora wanted our weapon to divert the comet. In the end, we gave it to them. But it was too late. Because Tobias made a decision that changed history forever.
Tobias was the one who saw it. The comet had to hit Earth and wipe out everything on it. Without that, humans couldn't evolve. So he had Ax rig the weapon so it would malfunction and the comet would hit Earth.
I'm glad I didn't have to make that decision. I think Jake was glad it was taken away from him, too. I could never have sacrificed an entire sentient species, even to save my own.
I think that was when I first realized that there was something dark and ruthless inside of Tobias. He used to be a lot like me. I knew he had been changed by his time as a hawk, but I thought that was just the predator instincts.
But a predator could never have made that choice. The hawk couldn't have seen what was about to happen. It was a cold, calculated, human decision.
I still don't know how he feels about that. He killed off the entire Mercora race. Does it hurt him? Or can he sleep at night because he did what he had to do. He always told me that was enough for him but I'm not sure.
I realized then that I didn't know anything about Tobias. Not really. I had always thought he was the one who was the most like me. But maybe I was wrong. Maybe we were the complete opposite.
But all of that wasn't the point. "So if they aren't like the Nesk, what are they?"
((The way I understand it, each member is composed of three different creatures. These three make up the creature's body. Only one part of the body is sentient; the others are similar to animals.))
((What is their society like?)) David asked.
((The Anati are a proud people, not unlike us Andalites in mentality. The Helmacrons insulted them and provoked them into a war. It would be best to avoid anything that might be construed as an insult to them.))
"Does the Reliquary have any pictures?" I asked. I was trying to think of what the others would have asked.
((I believe so.)) A moment later, four holograms appeared before us. One was of a creature that looked like four crab's legs (as in there were four legs, not four crabs' worth of legs. That would be a freakin' LOT of legs!).
The next was one large arm with a hand at the end. The hand had four claws that looked like a bird's talons. It had three other claws that were longer, more slender, and had many joints.
The last was clearly some sort of head. It was circular, with a single foot that had three toes. It had five eyes arranged in a circle in the center of the face. It also possessed four stalk eyes like Alloran's, but these were longer and bigger. The top of the head had a mouth. There was no nose at all.
The final hologram was of all three of these together. The legs were the centerpiece. The hand sat on the top. The head was slung, hanging by its foot, underneath the legs. It was a pretty freaky looking creature, and I've seen some strange things in my time.
The strangest thing was that the whole creature was pink. A bright, almost neon pink. I wouldn't have been surprised if they glowed in the dark.
((Looks dangerous,)) David decided. ((Even if they are pink all over.))
((They are. Their claw is strong enough to crush the bones of a Hork-Bajir. The mouth of the head is almost as dangerous as a Taxxon's mouth. Their legs are nearly as fast as an Andalite,)) he added, almost embarrassed.
"No wonder the Yeerks wanted them."
((Actually, they were not originally intended for combat. It seems that the Yeerks wanted to contact them about creating artificial, symbiotic hosts. Except the Anati could not help the Yeerks, so the Yeerks attacked instead.))
"Sounds like the Yeerks we know. So these are the ones we're trying to help?"
((This is them.))
"Any ideas what to do to divert them from their war?"
((No.))
((Nothing,)) David agreed.
I thought about what the others would say and took a mental vote. Marco would insist we had a plan. Rachel would have canceled him out. Jeanne would have advocated caution. Tobias would say that we had no choice. We had to jump in and do something. I agreed.
"Well, we'll wing it. Wouldn't be the first time." Then, I thought of something else a certain Animorph would say. "Let's do it!"
Chapter 10
It would take us another two days to reach the Anati fleet. That left me with two days to think. I tried to concentrate on the mission. I tried to make a plan. But nothing could stop me from thinking about Ronnie.
What could I do? I didn't want to lose him. I didn't think I could stand it. I loved him more than I loved anyone else. I'd give my life for him. If he had asked me two months ago to marry him, I'd have said yes in a heartbeat.
But I couldn't just walk away from the war. I couldn't leave them. I couldn't walk away and leave Rachel to die. I couldn't abandon my friends. Could I?
Ronnie was right. There were others who could fight this war now. It wasn't like the old days when we had no choice but to fight. I could find a replacement and then it would be okay to leave.
David. That was the key. I think that was why the Ellimist put us together. He wanted me to turn David back to the Animorphs. Then I could be with Ronnie.
Ridiculous, isn't it? Like the Ellimist, with all his power, was interested in my love life. He probably just wanted to take a warrior from The One. I knew that the Ellimist would rather fight Crayak than The One; better the devil you know. Besides, The One probably wouldn't play the Ellimist's game and that was unacceptable.
Still, if I turned David back, I could leave. Six was the magic number; seven never ended well. If I had a replacement, it would be okay, right?
I knew the others would understand if I left. Tobias and Rachel could never be angry with me for choosing love over war. They knew how I felt; they'd understand. Marco might not be happy about it, but he knew what it was like to want nothing to do with this. I think Jeanne would get it, too. She knew how precious love was; she wouldn't fault me for it.
What about Alloran? Tobias couldn't order him how to feel, after all. Well, I could ask. "Alloran, how would you feel about me if I went to be with Ronnie instead of fight?"
He swiveled one stalk eye to look at me. ((I do not know. I have never considered the possibility that someone would run away when their people needed them.))
That phrase, run away, told me all I needed to know. He would think I was a coward. But did that matter? I didn't think so. I wouldn't let the opinion of one Andalite keep me from being with Ronnie.
I made my decision. If I could turn David back, I would go. If not…then I don't know what I'd do. I couldn't live without Ronnie. I just couldn't.
"David?"
((What?))
"I think you should know… I've forgiven you."
((I don't speak to you just to get lied to, Cassie.))
"I'm not lying. Now, I have to make a decision like the one you did. I have a way out of this war, just like you did. And I'm seriously considering running, just like you."
((I didn't run!))
"But you wanted to. So do I. And now that I know, really know, just how hard it is, I can't blame you anymore. I do forgive you."
((Why would you forgive me? I tried to kill you!))
"You tried to kill me? I don't remember that. I remember you trying to kill Tobias, Jake, Marco, As, and Rachel. Not me. At least, not me specifically. So it's a lot easier for me to forgive you than it may be for them. But I do forgive."
((Well, you can save it because I don't need your forgiveness, real or fake.))
"I know you don't need it. But I think you want it. If I do run, I want my friends to be able to forgive me. And I want to forgive myself. I think you need to be able to forgive yourself for the things you do. How can you live if you don't? Have you forgiven yourself, David?"
((What's there to forgive? I'm not sorry.))
"No? Maybe not yet. But if you speak to the others, if they forgive you, then I think you'll be sorry. But I think you need to forgive yourself before they can forgive you, David."
((I don't care about their forgiveness!))
"Not yet. Because you don't have to look at them every day. Not as friends. But you could."
((What are you getting at?))
"Do you like working for the Yeerks, David? Does it make you feel good to serve the very creatures who stole you family? I know I could never do it."
((I don't have a choice. I either do what The One says or I live as a rat.))
"Perhaps. Or maybe Crayak or the Ellimist will help you. Do you think he'd let The One take away your power to morph if you joined us? I can't see either of them letting that happen. Not if you joined them."
((I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to make me come back to your side!))
"Yeah, I am."
((Why? You can't trust me. Not really.))
"David… When you turned on us, we thought there were only two solutions. We could kill you or we could trap you. None of us ever thought of the best solution."
((What solution?))
"We never talked to you. We never tried to turn you back. We just assumed you were gone forever. But you weren't. You were just a scared kid. You were desperate, so you acted out of desperation. We didn't even try to understand. We're as much to blame as you are."
((You don't really believe that.))
"I do. Maybe the others don't, but I do. I don't think you're evil, David. I think you were just scared."
