"Hey, Harvey, wait up!" called Joker, racing after him out of the shop.

"I got errands to run, clown," growled Two-Face, heading across the street to a supermarket that had traditionally been very undiscerning in terms of their customers.

"How are we today, Mr. Dent?" asked the cashier. "Some friends of yours are here as well," he said, nodding down an aisle. Two-Face looked to see Jonathan Crane and Jervis Tetch examining a rack of spices.

"They're not friends of mine," he muttered. "I don't know what you think goes on in Arkham, but we supervillains aren't all friends, and we don't all hang out together in our free time."

"Harvey, glad I caught you," said Joker, appearing behind him.

"We're not hanging out," said Two-Face, hastily.

"Why, if it isn't our friends, the Nerd Couple!" chuckled Joker, noticing Crane and Tetch.

"They're not our friends!" snapped Two-Face, as Joker dragged him over to them.

"I'm telling you, Jonathan, we need to season the crepe pans," Tetch was saying. "It's been ages since we've got ours seasoned, and you can tell."

"The saucepans are more urgent, Jervis – we use them more frequently," said Crane. "I know you have a fondness for crepes, but in terms of general use, the saucepans are more pressing."

"Couldn't we just season them both?" asked Tetch.

"My dear Jervis, we mustn't be extravagant…" began Crane.

"Morning, boys!" said Joker, grabbing them each by the shoulder. "How are my two favorite pathetic losers today?"

"Hello, Joker," sighed Tetch, wearily.

"I suppose we should be flattered that you consider us your favorite pathetic losers?" asked Crane. "Not that your opinion matters, of course."

"Opinions don't matter – facts do," said Joker, nodding. "And you two being pathetic losers is a fact, Craney!" he said, clapping him on the back.

"You're a loser too!" retorted Crane. "You always lose to Batman!"

"Nah, I let him win," said Joker, shrugging. "Keeps the game interesting. Doing some shopping for the love-nest, huh?"

"We're not a couple," growled Crane. "We just share a home at the moment."

"In my book, that's a couple," said Joker, nodding. "Harley and me share a home, and we're a couple, ergo you're a couple. And speaking of our happy home, Harvey and me are heading there now to watch a movie."

"We are?" said Two-Face, puzzled. It was the first he had heard of it.

"Of course we are, Harvey! Why don't you boys come with us?" continued Joker.

Crane stared at him. "You want us…to watch a movie with you?" he asked. "Why? What's the joke?"

"No joke, Craney!" chuckled Joker. "I just feel like spending some time with my nerd buddies! And I think you'll like this movie – I'm betting you ain't seen anything like it before!"

"Oh yes? What is it?" asked Tetch.

Joker tapped his nose. "Don't wanna ruin the surprise, Tetchy! You both coming or not?"

"Will Harley be there?" asked Crane.

"She's out with her gal pal at the moment, but sure, she might drop in later," said Joker, shrugging. "Anyway, I'm sure she don't wanna watch this movie. It's kinda a man's film."

Tetch pulled out his pocket watch. "I'm not sure we have the time before teatime…"

"Schedules are for squares, Hatty," said Joker, grabbing the watch from him and smashing it on the ground. "But I'll buy you a new pocket watch if you come watch the movie. A watch for a watch, get it?" he giggled.

Tetch and Crane shared a look. "Well, I suppose I do need a new pocket watch now," sighed Tetch. "Or I'll be late for every important date from now until the end of time. And perhaps you could provide me with one that tells the day of the month rather than what o'clock it is, as Alice describes at the Mad Tea-Party…"

"Blah blah blah, no one cares, let's go," said Joker, shoving them out of the shop. "C'mon, Harv!"

Two-Face was smart enough to realize that the Joker was planning some big joke, and wouldn't leave him to do his errands in peace until the punchline came. So he sighed and followed Joker back to his hideout.

"Take a seat," said Joker, nodding at the sofa in front of the TV. "Don't mind the whoopie cushions if you set one off – these aren't exploding ones!" he chuckled. "Harley and me just got a little frisky watching a slasher movie the other night. I'm sure you boys know how it is. It's all fake violence, but it still gives you ideas!" he giggled.

"I think I'm gonna…sit on the floor," said Two-Face, slowly.

"What on earth is that?" demanded Tetch, who had sat down on the sofa but stood up instantly to a vibration in the cushion.

"Aw yeah, sorry," said Joker, reaching under the cushion and pulling out a set of chattering teeth. "Sometimes we forget to clean up the toys. Hey, my joy buzzer's back here too!" he exclaimed. "I was wondering where that had got to!"

He pocketed it, giggling as he went over to put the movie in the DVD player. He sat down, pressing play, and the film began in a sterile room. A man lay in a hospital bed and a nurse walked in, in a revealing costume.

"The doctor will be right with you, Mr. Smith, but she's sent me in first to do a cursory examination," said the nurse, sitting down next to him. "What seems to be the problem?"

The man looked uncomfortable. "Uh…I just got…er…some pain…um…down…down…there," he said, nodding at his crotch.

"In your private area?" said the nurse. "I'm sure I can help with that, Mr. Smith. Why don't you show it to me?" she said, kneeling in front of him and undoing his zipper. "And I'll show you mine," she breathed, gazing up at him lasciviously as she ripped open the top of her nurse's uniform.

Two-Face realized with a jolt that this was the movie he had been looking at in the sex shop, and turned to look at Joker, who was giggling hysterically at Crane and Tetch's horrified reactions. "J, this is that porno!" Two-Face growled. "Why the hell are we watching this?!"

"For the fun of it, Harv!" giggled Joker.

Tetch let out a cry, covering his face with his hands suddenly. "Oh God, oh my God, oh God, it's revolting!"

"It's just sex, Tetchy," said Joker. "If you and that kid Alice ever got together, I assume this is the kinda stuff you'd do eventually."

"God, no!" cried Tetch. "We'd be married first, for a start, and we'd have the lights off during our wedding night, like all decent people! It's barbaric to be able to watch…intimate acts like that! A woman's private area is no place for a man's eyes!"

"Wow…ok…I can totally see why the kid didn't go for you," said Joker, slowly.

"Is this film meant to make sense?" demanded Crane. "Because I question its realism. I've been to the doctor's office many times in my life, and this has never happened to me. Why would the nurse even begin acting like this? She'd lose her job for gross misconduct! And in this economy, that's not going to be a risk she's willing to take!"

"Oh, I dunno, Craney!" chuckled Joker. "It's kinda what Harley did to me, and I'm sure she'd say it was worth losing her job for! I tried to make it worth her while, anyway!" he giggled.

"Turn it off, please turn it off!" cried Tetch, his eyes squeezed shut as he clapped his hands to his ears. "I can't block out the noise! ''Twas brillig, and the slithy toves, did gyre and gimble in the wabe: all mimsy were the borogoves, and the mome raths outgrabe'…" he muttered, trying to blot out the sound.

"J, stop torturing him," muttered Two-Face, standing up to take out the DVD.

"No, hang on, the doctor's just entered," said Crane. "I hope she's going to fire this nurse on the spot."

"You ain't ever seen these kinda movies before, huh, Craney?" chuckled Joker, as the doctor took off her lab coat to reveal nothing underneath.

Two-Face stared at the screen in shock. "Hang on a second, I know her," he muttered.

"I think when you start recognizing porn stars, it's a sign you're watching too much porn…" chuckled Joker.

"You know her too!" snapped Two-Face, whirling around and pointing at the screen. "It's Catwoman!"

"What?" said Joker eagerly, leaping to his feet and rushing over to get a good look at the screen. "I can't see her clearly, she's got her face buried in that guy's…as I live and breathe, you're right!" he said, grinning gleefully.

"She looks young – when was this made?" asked Two-Face, grabbing the case. "You think she did porn before she turned to cat burglary?"

"I guess so!" chuckled Joker. His eyes lit up as he turned to face Two-Face, grinning madly. "Do you think Batsy knows?" he whispered.

He cackled insanely, grabbing the DVD case and kissing it. "Oh, somebody up there loves me! I can't wait to see the look on his little Bat-face when I give this to him – it'll be the funniest thing ever! I mean, I'm sure he knows he's not the only guy to enjoy Pussy's pussy, but I don't think he knows that millions of male viewers have seen it in glorious technicolor! Do you suppose that's where the name Catwoman comes from? Think Pussy Galore was her stage name?" he giggled.

"Turn it off, for the love of God!" cried Tetch, shaking back and forth on the sofa.

"No, c'mon, Harvey, I wanna see if I can break his brain!" giggled Joker, holding out his hand to stop Two-Face turning off the movie.

They suddenly heard voices from outside – female voices. "Aw, crap, I thought she'd be out all day!" muttered Joker, racing forward to cover the screen. "Quick, turn it off!"

"You scared of Harley catching you watching porn?" asked Two-Face.

"I ain't scared of nothing!" retorted Joker. "Just turn it off right now!" he said, flicking off the TV hurriedly. "Harley can be…very unreasonable sometimes."

"You don't say," muttered Two-Face as the door opened and Harley Quinn entered, chatting with Poison Ivy.

"Oh…I didn't know you were having the boys over, Mr. J!" said Harley, smiling at them. "Red and I were gonna hang out here, but I guess we can go to hers if you're busy."

"Yeah, that's probably a good idea, pooh," said Joker, hastily. "It was kinda a last minute thing – decided to have the guys over to watch a movie…"

"Oh yeah? What movie?" asked Harley.

"Uh…a hard-hitting medical drama about a guy with a…difficult problem and the doctor and nurse who help him expel it," invented Joker.

"That don't sound very fun, Mr. J," said Harley, frowning. "Why would you wanna watch something like that?"

"Because…it wasn't my idea," said Joker. "It was…Johnny's. He likes the intellectual stuff, y'know."

"This was not an intellectual film," muttered Crane, his arms folded across his chest. "At all. Didn't make a shred of sense."

"Is this it?" asked Ivy, picking up the DVD case. She looked at Joker and smiled. "E.R.: Erection Rescue? Doesn't sound like a hard-hitting medical drama to me, J."

Harley stared from the case to the Joker. "You…you been watching…porn, Mr. J?"

"What do you expect from a group of men, Harley?" sighed Ivy, rolling her eyes. "Bunch of disgusting animals, all of them."

"I have to go…be sick," gasped Tetch, rushing out of the room.

Harley was still gaping at Joker. "I can't believe you'd…Mr. J…you…" Her eyes narrowed in fury. "You know you're not allowed to do that," she growled. "You know there are two things I do not tolerate in a relationship: cheating and porn."

"Pooh…I promise…it's not what you think," stammered Joker. "It was a joke…"

"It's not funny, Mr. J!" shrieked Harley. "You gotta learn your lesson! You want sex, I'll give you sex, but I don't think you're gonna enjoy it!"

She picked up her hammer, tapping it lightly into the palm of her hand. "Into the bedroom," she hissed. "It's punishment time."

"But cupcake, let me explain, this movie has got…"

"No excuses!" she shrieked. "Bed! Now!"

Joker stood up. "Guys, let's make today...our little secret. Now if you'll excuse us, Harley and me have some…things to do."

Everyone filed out of the hideout. A few moments later, they heard Joker crying out in pain. "Harley, I swear, I didn't enjoy it…I…no, no, Harley, listen to Daddy, not the rubber chicken! No…I won't ever do it again, I promise…Harley! Harley!"

Crane looked at Two-Face. "What do you suppose…"

"Best not to speculate," interrupted Two-Face. "But I guess I can understand why J was afraid of Harley seeing the porn."

"I think all men who watch porn should suffer the same fate," sniffed Ivy. "Merciless torture seems a just punishment for the exploitation of women."

"Oh yeah? So what would you say women who act in pornos deserve?" asked Two-Face, lightly. "Surely they're kinda feminist for sexually empowering themselves, huh?"

Ivy snorted. "No, they're demeaning themselves for the base lusts of men. They're allowing themselves to be objectified and oppressed for masculine pleasure. They're part of the problem, and should probably be reprimanded just as harshly as men."

Two-Face shared another look with Crane. "Right," he said, grinning to himself and making a mental note to call Catwoman the moment he got home, to see how much he could blackmail her to keep her secret. His errands could wait.