Kickin it one shots: soap opera

Welcome to the first ever (and probably the last ever) episode of the Internet's one and only Interactive Soap Opera...The Babes and the Bastards!

It was a cold night outside, the rain beating against the windows while you and Jerry cuddled up against each other on the leather couch, moaning and breathing heavily enough to fog up the windows.

You: Oooh yeah I love you, oh yeah that's it, hold on I just need to take these off...

Jerry: No! No...I can't.

You: Comeon babe, nobody will even know...

Jerry: It's just...just that...I feel bad.

You: You're worried about Kelsey aren't you?

Jerry: I'm not sure, I just...I just feel bad. We have been married for 3 years now, I keep thinking that just because Kelsey has a problem -

You: A problem? You realised this when? Everyone else has known that Kelsey has been addicted to Weed for years!

Jerry: I think that you should leave...

You: Okay, okay fine, I'm going, but don't come running back to me when you realise that you don't want to be with Kelsey anymore.

Meanwhile, across town in the Weed rehabilitation clinic...

Donna tobin: Okay Kelsey I think you're ready to face the outside world again.

Kelsey: Really? I'm...I'm cured?

Donna tobin: Yes, just remember, that if you are ever in a position where you are tempted by Weed just look the other way. Good luck.

Kelsey looks extremely happy with themselves and heads out of the clinic beaming. From the darkness appears Jack carrying a bundle of hands it over to Donna tobin and they shake hands.

Jack: Thank you SO much, I am so grateful.

Donna tobin: No, no, the pleasure is ALL mine trust me. Could I possibly ask why it is that you wanted me to rig Kelsey's recovery so soon?

Jack looks uncomfortable and frowns.

Donna tobin: Well?

Jack: You'd probably just laugh, it's just that...well...since Kelsey has been in here Kim and Jerry have been getting really close...TOO close.

Donna tobin: And?

Jack: Do I need to spell it out for you? I'm in love with Kim.

Meanwhile, Grace groans from a hospital bed across the other side of town. Grace was rushed to hospital only minutes earlier.

Doctor: Grace I'm sorry but the news isn't good...

Grace: Just give it to me straight Doc. I can take it.

Doctor: You are suffering very badly from Malaria. You probably have a few days to live at most.

Grace: Oh no Doc! Oh no! What am I going to do?

Doctor: If there's any unfinished business that you have to attend to I recommend that you do it soon. Very soon.

Grace: Thankyou Doctor, yes, I think that there is.

Grace rises from the bed and makes for the door. Meanwhile, Donna tobin sits poised over a table, in front of them sits a piece of paper on which is written Weed and below it an image of what the word represents...

Donna tobin: (cackling evilly) If this doesn't get Kelsey to snap then nothing will. All I need is for Kelsey to recieve this fax and then, driven to an insane rage by their addiction to take it out on Kim...mwa-ha-ha.

Donna tobin walks over to the fax machine and sends the page to Jerry and Kelsey's house.

Meanwhile, you have just returned home to find Jack waiting at your door.

Jack: Hey...

You: Umm...hi...what can I do for you?

Jack: I was wondering if we could talk...and maybe eat some Whipped cream off each other...

You: I'm not so sure that that would be a good idea, you see I'm trying to -

Jack: Kelsey was released from rehab today.

You: Oh?

Jack:Uh-huh...so you may as well give up on Jerry...but I'm here so...

You: Eat Whipped cream off each other did you say?

Jack: Oh yeah.

You: Won't you come in?

Meanwhile, Grace pulls into Jerry's driveway and rushes to the door.

Grace: Jerry please come out, I really need to speak to you!

Jerry: Grace is that you? What are you doing here? It's...like 3 in the morning...

Grace: I'm...I'm dying. I've been diagnosed with Malaria.

Jerry:Oh my God... Grace I'm sorry...does Kim know?

Grace: No, I didn't have time, I had to come and see you to...well...

Jerry: Yes?

Grace: I had to tell you that I'm in love with you, I know it didn't work out all those years ago and we had to keep the baby a secret...but now I'm sorry that we put it up for adoption, I'm sorry that I left you...I NEED you Jerry.

Jerry: Shh, we promised never to speak of that. You should probably go, get some sleep...

Meanwhile, Kelsey slides around the back of the house, believing that they have been cured of their addiction to Weed, ready to surprise Jerry. As Kelsey passes through the study they notice that a fax is coming through and stop to read it. At once, Kelsey's body contorts and begins to spasm...it is then that they hear the voices of Jerry and Grace talking at the front door. This sends Kelsey into a fit of jealous rage...

But before we look at what happens there let's come back to Donna tobin who is sitting down watching some quality television.

Donna tobin: Ahh that's good stuff...

There is a knock at the door.

Donna tobin: Who is it?

Voice: Open up, it's the police!

Okay...well now that that is sorted out, let's head back over to your place where...well...

You: Oooh yeah, that's ooh yeah...

Jack: Mmm, yeah, oh yeah, oh...oh God yes...

Hmm, yes well anyway...now back to Jerry and Kelsey's house...

Grace: Oof! Oh Jesus, don't hit me, no! Argh!

Kelsey: (In a flurry of punches and kicks) Take that! And that! And...THAT!

Jerry: Kelsey what are you doing out of rehab! What's happening?

Kelsey: Oh, I'm sorry I got back early! I feel so bad for breaking up your sordid affair with Grace here.

Jerry: No! Please, Grace's dying!

Kelsey: You got that right! Lousy piece of shit!

And that, is where we will leave the adventures of our heroes for tonight, but remember to tune in next week for more...

No, actually that was terrible and there probably won't be any more of the internet's one and only interactive Soap Opera... Babes and Bastards!