It was even before dinner when they weighed anchor at Dressrosa, especially so since the residents were wont to eat late. The weather was nice, and it was still light out. Crocodile leaned on the starboard railing, idly smoking as he watched the port for a while, noting his men were eager to go ashore. It was a luxurious island, so Crocodile really couldn't blame them: Dressrosa was renowned for its cuisine, entertainment and women. The toys that merged into the scenery certainly were unusual enough, as well. Crocodile wondered if he could ask Doflamingo what was up with that, but he figured he shouldn't.
He had changed clothes since the departure from Marineford earlier this morning, from a dark, strict outfit he thought was fitting for a meeting amongst the Shichibukai to something no less expensive and noble, but more casual anyway. Although he told himself it was because of the different climate between there and here, he knew it was partly because he was actually a little nervous about what to expect. Doflamingo had been wooing him for years and whenever Crocodile had given in, it had been on neutral ground. Tonight was different. It dawned on him that it had been a stupid idea to come here, but it was probably too late to turn back now.
He noticed he was restlessly turning the ring on his pinky with his thumb and quickly pushed his hand into the pocket of his dress pants. He made sure someone was on watch and everyone had their orders, then went down the strake to the wharf.
Doflamingo was not hard to spot, pink feathers, disgustingly annoying grin and all. He was standing amongst a bunch of common folk, irritation with his underlings growing by the second, obvious by the way his grin only seemed to grow wider and wider. When he saw Crocodile idly approaching, he pushed through the crowd. With their king and another Shichibukai present, the people scattered, only to stop at a safe distance and keep watching to see what would happen.
Crocodile took Doflamingo in head to toe and flicked ash off his cigar to the ground. "Really," he said, left eyebrow lifted, and waved dismissively at the enormous bouquet of red roses and daisies Doflamingo was carrying.
"Hmm?" Doflamingo said cheerfully and looked down to his hands as if he wasn't aware of the flowers. "Oh, that? Don't worry, these aren't for you."
Crocodile jerked a little and felt his face light up, the scar tissue on his cheeks burning white against a blush. Doflamingo burst out into laughter and Crocodile was close to turning on his heel and going back to the ship and leaving, but Doflamingo pulled him close when he laid an arm around his shoulders. "Shoulda said you like flowers, dear reptile," he said.
"I don't—" Crocodile started to say, but didn't know how to continue, puffing on his cigar and exhaling the smoke with a hiss. "Look, let's just... get this over with."
"Right down to business, hm? But right you are, let's get going. You need to meet the family after all!" Doflamingo's stupid smile didn't fade and before Crocodile could wonder what that was supposed to mean—a family?! The man wasn't married, was he?! For the love of... was there a wife?! But Crocodile had always thought he was... Well... Wasn't he?! At least they had...! How could he then...!—Doflamingo tugged at his shoulders and made Crocodile tag along on his way to the royal palace.
The palace was enormous. Crocodile was well accustomed to luxurious accommodation, but he was impressed against his will. This was something totally out of his own league, as little as he was going to admit that to Doflamingo's face. He glanced up to the ceiling, taking in the stunning frescoes, the colorful jacquard drapes around the high, giant windows, the carpet under his feet that made his shoes look cheap. "So this is how a king lives, is it," he said, voice a little raspier than he would have liked.
"It's decent, don't you think? Of course I had to rearrange a few things after I moved in. But it'll do." Doflamingo was leading the way through the hallways. Crocodile saw no security whatsoever, but that probably wasn't necessary. He was sure that nobody could as much as breathe in Dressrosa without Doflamingo knowing about it. He was still very upset about there being a family involved, and how nonchalantly Doflamingo seemed to ignore the obvious issue that came with it. Was he going to pretend Crocodile was really nothing more than a business partner? ... Which was all he was, obviously, but...! Ugh, this was frustrating. With every step they took, Crocodile regretted coming over more and more. How foolish he had been, and how ridiculous of Doflamingo to invite him over! Did he really not see how ugly this was going to turn out? He needed to end this, and soon. Logue Town should never have happened after all.
"Oi, Vergo," Doflamingo called out when they took a turn around a corner, leaving the palace for a garden. There were toys—inanimate, not the kind like around the city, mere children's playthings—sprawled on the floor, he heard the excited screaming and bickering of kids, and Crocodile felt his heart sink even more. Not only a wife, but now offspring, too? He inhaled his tobacco deeply to calm his nerves.
"Over here!" a male voice called back.
Doflamingo carelessly kicked a few cars and dolls out of the way as they approached a patio by a large pool. The water splashed, accompanied by the yelling of children, and when they walked around a few bushes that guarded the pool from sight, there were a bunch of kids, all of them secured with swim rings. There was a small girl with short turquoise hair in a pink swimsuit standing at the edge to the pool, obviously too afraid to jump in to join another young girl in the water with long black hair and a white ribbon, hanging wet from her ponytail. She was screaming as a blond boy splashed her with water. None of them looked very much alike. None of them looked like Doflamingo, either. Things were getting curiouser and curiouser.
On the couch by the poolside sat a man around their age, clad in a marine uniform, as Crocodile was surprised to see. Of course Doflamingo was a Shichibukai, but he knew neither of them had high opinions of the Marines. By his side sat a woman with a short green bob, still young enough to be Doflamingo's daughter, her eyes concealed by thick glasses. Both rose when Doflamingo approached.
"Doffy, it's good to see you," the marine said, embracing Doflamingo cordially. They exchanged kisses to both cheeks which made Crocodile uncomfortable by just watching.
"I'm so glad you could make it, Vergo," Doflamingo said with an honest smile, patting the man on the back. "It's an important day for the family."
"Young Master," the woman said, smiling a little sheepishly.
"Monet, my dear." Doflamingo turned to her, embracing her exactly as the man before with a quick kiss to both cheeks, before handing her the ridiculously huge bouquet of flowers. "These are for you. Keep them close, you have competition for them." He smiled at Crocodile who stood behind, trying to understand the scene and what it all meant. He was glad he didn't get to speak, though, because the arrival of Doflamingo had lured the kids away from the pool, running over at full speed and clinging to his legs.
"Young Master! Welcome back!" — "Dellinger splashed water at me, Young Master!" — "Baby 5 said I was a coward for not wanting to jump in!" — "I found a beetle!" — "You didn't, I did!" — "Nuh-uh!" — "Uh-huh!" — "Young Master, Sugar said you said she's your favorite, that's a lie, right?" — "But I am!"
"Easy there, easy," Doflamingo laughed, taking up the smallest girl with the turquoise hair in his arms so she could sit on his shoulders. "Don't fight over things like that. You're all equally dear to me, and you know it."
"Doffy, so this is...?" the marine said with a clearing of his throat.
"Hmm? Oh, yeah. Everybody, this is the Royal Shichibukai Sir Crocodile. He and I go way back and I want everybody to see him as part of the family." He turned to smile at Crocodile who tried to return it but felt his lips grimacing instead. "Croc, meet Captain Vergo, my left hand."
Crocodile reached out his hand as politely as he could under the circumstances and saw his life flash past his eyes when the marine took his hand and pulled him close to—oh dear, oh no, no please, don't—put a soft soft kiss on both his cheeks. They barely touched at all but Crocodile was ready to die then and there, wishing lighting to strike where he stood and just end it all.
"And this is Monet," Doflamingo carried on, ignoring the little girl climbing all over his head and nearly kicking off his shades with her naked feet.
"A pleasure to meet you, Sir," Monet said, repeating what Crocodile anticipated with almost existential fear: a kiss to both cheeks. With her being a young lady he didn't feel quite as weirded out as before with Vergo, but he still would have preferred to turn into dust and vanish from this world.
He hoped to have survived by then because the kids were obviously, well, only children, but the girl with the long black hair, dressed in a promiscuous bikini although her figure wasn't very mature yet came to his side, tugging at his coat.
"I'm Baby 5!" she exclaimed excitedly, her face flushed a bright red. From the corner of his eye, Crocodile could see Doflamingo flinch and open his mouth, but the girl was faster: "You need to bow down!"
The situation was too much for Crocodile to handle and before he even realized what he was doing, he was bending down toward her so that she, too, could place kisses on his face. Unlike than the adults, hers were actual kisses, wet and loud on his skin, and he winced visibly when she parted with a smack. He looked up to Doflamingo pleadingly, asking for an explanation, or maybe just a mercy killing, but Doflamingo obviously had worries of his own.
"Baby 5—" he started to say, trying to catch the girl's arm.
"I kissed him! Does that mean he likes me? Young Master! Can I marry him?"
"Baby 5, no, wait, calm down," Doflamingo sighed, but the girl was already running away with a squeal, her face almost as pink as Doflamingo's coat.
"I'll go after her, " Monet said with a chuckle.
"Thank you, dear," Doflamingo sighed, plucking the girl from his shoulders and handing her to Monet as well. "Make sure they dry up properly and wash their hands before dinner, alright?"
"Yes, Young Master." Monet bowed a little before collecting the blond boy and heading off after Baby 5.
"Those were Sugar and Dellinger. Sugar isn't keen on strangers and Dellinger has a hard time with the girls sometimes. I had another boy, but, ah, that didn't end well. I wonder how he's doing... Anyway. Baby 5 tries to act all grown up, but she's still just my little baby girl... I hope she grows out of her frenzy, she wants to marry every man she meets at the moment." Doflamingo smiled at Crocodile who felt more and more like he was sailing a ship into a hurricane with no way to get off.
"I... see," he said weakly.
"Doffy, you said something about an important change to the family," Vergo interrupted, but Doflamingo smacked his tongue at him.
"Over dinner, Vergo, not now. I still need to show Croc the palace and introduce him to the others."
Dear heavens. There was more? Crocodile felt weak in his knees when Doflamingo put his arm around him again and lead the way back to the palace. Vergo followed with some discretion. Crocodile glanced back at him, feeling uncomfortable and watched, so he just barely hissed past clenched teeth, "You really need to explain what the fuck is going on here, Doflamingo."
"Hmm? What, I'm just introducing you to my family. What do you think is going on?" Doflamingo looked down to him, honest confusion across his face, smile gone for a second.
"Yes, but—how is this your family? I don't understand..."
"Oh, well, the Donquixote Pirates, you see—"
Crocodile stopped so abruptly Doflamingo almost fell over. "This is your crew?!"
"Well, yes." Doflamingo looked at him, puzzled, but the smile returned quickly to his lips. "What did you think, me having a wife and a bunch'a kids to inherit the throne? Come on."
"Well, I..." He what? He didn't even know anymore. Would this nightmare never end? Crocodile felt like he'd made a complete fool out of himself. First by being worried about that there might be a wife involved who... ugh, who Doflamingo would have cheated on, most likely, with him? And him not knowing about it, too! The thought alone was making him sick to his stomach. And secondly, by not realizing that the mere thought was, of course, total and utter nonsense. Of course there would not be a wife, every woman right in her mind would never even get close to him, king or not. Admittedly, that should count for men as well—and thus Crocodile. What was he doing here anyway? Not for the first time that evening, Crocodile wished to simply vanish from this earth. He pinched the bridge of his nose with thumb and middle finger and let out a long sigh. "Couldn't you have said so in the first place?"
Doflamingo laughed at him, without mockery. "What, did you get scared for a second there? Aww, my dearest reptile. You know I only have eyes for you."
"Don't start with that." Taking the anger he felt at his own foolishness and directing it at Doflamingo, he brushed off his hands with the hook and shot him a venomous look. Well, at least being angry at Doflamingo was a well-acquainted feeling, other than... whatever it was he had felt before. He was glad it was gone. Anger he could handle.
"Live and learn, huh? I had no idea you were the jealous type." Doflamingo seemed to enjoy himself, only pouring oil into the fire.
"Jealous of what now?!" hissed Crocodile, cautious to keep his voice down because he remembered Vergo's presence. "I came here because you spoke of business, and if you don't meet your ends I might as well just leave again! I have no time to waste on your antics."
"Now, now, listen here, Crocodile." At the mention of his name from someone who usually preferred to annoy him with stupid nicknames, Crocodile stopped in his tracks. Doflamingo lowered his head down to Crocodile's height, towering over him. Crocodile wanted to take a step backwards against the intimidating move, but Doflamingo reached for his arm. The grip was painful, and Crocodile flashed him his gritted teeth. "Family," Doflamingo said, voice dangerously low, "is never—never—a waste of time. Do we have an understanding?"
Crocodile stared into these eyes behind the shades and Doflamingo only glared back for the better of almost a minute before Crocodile violently freed himself from Doflamingo's grip, deciding that this was no battle he was prepared to fight. "Fine, whatever," he snarled, a little weaker than he would have liked.
Doflamingo's face lit up again. "Good," he said cheerfully. His voice, though, made it clear that this was no laughing matter at all and he would not overlook it if Crocodile dared to insult his family ever again. "Come this way, Trébol and Diamante should be around here somewhere." Doflamingo led the way up a staircase, Crocodile followed, Vergo always a few meters behind them. Their obedient, silent stalker crept Crocodile out.
"So, how many crew mates do you have," Crocodile said, without really caring, only to have something to talk about.
"Family members, you mean," Doflamingo corrected without hesitation. Crocodile dared to roll his eyes, which Doflamingo apparently didn't see. "Well, three executives, as of now, that's Trébol, Diamante and Pica. Monet and Vergo are special, though. Then there's the kids and a few others. Don't worry, you'll met them all eventually, we're going to have dinner soon and if I don't manage to locate a few before that—" he gestured at the gigantic palace at whole, "—then you'll see them then."
"Great," Crocodile said, and he didn't mean it in the least.
