" (...) for the first time in her life, she was dating a man she loved with all of her heart. She hadn't told him yet, but she would, eventually. They had time."

XXX

Kate knocked on the door, unable to ignore how familiar the situation felt. Apart from the dry clothes, everything else was there: she hurt him, he was upset, she had to apologize, she loved him and still hadn't told him. Oh, they were also dating now - or at least she hoped they still were.

It was all so stupid. Really. Rumors had been going around the precinct that the two of them had finally gotten together. At first, they kept trying to remember if they had let anything slide - a kiss on the elevator, showing up almost at the same time - but nothing seemed to stand out. On the way to his house, she figured something much more subtle had given it away; they were, after all, boyfriend and girlfriend now, and they did work in a room full of detectives. It must have been a warmer smile, or a knowing exchange of looks. It didn't matter anymore. To be entirely honest, the Captain's reaction was the least of Beckett's concerns at the moment.

She replayed the dreadful scene in her head for the millionth time. A female officer approached her in the break room - was it true?, she wanted to know. Kate tried to act dumb, but had no luck.

"You know, I thought those were only rumors, but then last week I saw him getting off a cab about two blocks away from here - and you were in it, too. Trying to hide something, detective?" And she giggled. Giggled. Kate would've thrown up if she wasn't on the verge of a heart attack.

She didn't manage to come up with an explanation fast enough and her colleague kept staring at her, so she just blurted something out - something incredibly stupid.

"Oh, you know... It's nothing serious." And she forced a giggle, trying to keep the conversation as light and girly as possible.

"Oh." The officer seemed surprised. Kate went back to the dumb act, more convincingly this time. "I just thought..." She trailed off, her eyes wandering to the spot just over Kate's shoulder. "You know what? I should go. We'll talk later!"

She looked flushed, like she was in a hurry all of a sudden. Beckett nodded, barely managing to say an "okay" before the woman left. Turning around, she understood the reaction: Castle was standing there. Of course he would be standing there, isn't there a law about it? Murphy, they call it?

At first she acted normal, offering him a warm smile. The look on his face didn't match hers - in fact, it was precisely the opposite.

"Castle, is something wrong?"

"You tell me." His voice was so cold she could almost feel the atmosphere in the room freeze a little.

"Castle, I was just throwing her off. You know rumors have been going around and..." She stated matter-of-factly, but he interrupted her.

"Yeah, sure." He hadn't believed her, even a kid could see that, and she was a trained NYPD detective. "Listen, I have a, erm... meeting, so I should go. You guys can handle this one without me, right?" He left without even giving her a chance to say goodbye.

He thought she meant it. She almost died and the first thing she did was run to his door, but he was second-guessing her feelings. And she hated herself for it. Was that all she could do, hurt him? After four years, hadn't she learned her lesson?

The self-loathing had to be put on hold when he opened the door. She almost expected him to ask 'what do you want, Beckett?', but, instead, he said nothing, the hurt look upon his face saying more than he ever could. She felt her heart shrinking down to the size of a raisin.

"Can I come in?" her voice wasn't as firm as she wished.

"Do you even want to? Really? You could walk away right now, you know. It would be easier for you." He snapped at her.

"Rick, what are you talking about?"

"Just saying, the least I deserve is a little honesty."

"I have been nothing but honest with you!" She exclaimed, a little surprised by her inability to keep it together and already feeling guilty about what she had just said: it was a lie. She wasn't being totally honest with him. But he had misunderstood it completely, it was written all over his face.

"Do you want to know what I think happened, Beckett? I think you did come here that night on a 'spur-of-the-moment' thing, and now you're starting to regret it."

No, no, no!, she was filled with desperation, shaking her head vigorously and forcing her way into his apartment. She opened her mouth to say something, but he didn't give her enough time to get the words out.

"You don't want to go public, we can't tell anyone, we can't go out on a real date... And lately you've been pushing me away!" He breathed heavily. "And I have to hear the confirmation of this behind my back?"

Castle's head was pounding; he was even having trouble focusing his eyesight at the moment, unable to meet her gaze. After four years of waiting, they were done in just a little over a month. What hurt the most was he didn't expect this; not from her. He had gone through holding baby Alexis in his arms while Meredith, who had just got back from a trip, said 'she wasn't feeling up for it anymore'.

"Up for what, Meredith? Marriage? A child?"

She nodded casually, while reapplying her makeup.

And then there was Gina, who started treating him like an employee, rather than a husband. When he said he wanted a divorce, her reaction wasn't crying or promising she would try to make it work. She said 'this better not be his latest trick to stall finishing the next novel'.

And now Kate. But it was different, it hurt so much more this time, because it felt more real than ever before; she was so much more real than Meredith and Gina put together. He waited for four years, knowing she was still mourning, knowing she was damaged. He tried to help her through all of this as best as he could and it had worked. She finally had some closure on her mother's case; she was finally whole again. He thought that meant they could finally be together. However, women, he should know by now, had a way of hurting him, and Beckett was still one of them. His train of thought was interrupted when she raised her voice.

"... After the last few weeks, after everything that happened? How could you say that?"

"Sometimes you don't even acknowledge I'm in the room." He shrugged, feeling tired. He didn't want to have this discussion; he just wanted her to leave.

"Because we can't let anyone at the precinct know, Rick! Gates would kick you out in a heartbeat, we've talked about this!"

"Fine, then why doesn't your dad know about any of this? Why can't Alexis and my mother know?" He stated like a lawyer at a court room, building his defense. "Face it, you got into a mess, regretted it and now you're just looking for a clean way out. Here it is. Say the word and I'll be out of your way."

Her eyes started filling with tears and she hated looking so weak and vulnerable, but somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew he was the only person she would ever allow to see her in this state. And he was slipping through her fingers, and she was letting it happen. The words came out in a sort of loud whisper, her voice trembling, hoarse; it wasn't pretty, it wasn't supposed be said during an argument, it should've been special; but it was how she felt and she had to say it before it was too late. She was running out of time.

"But I love you."

Castle, who was in the process of turning around to open the door again, stopped in his tracks. Had she just...? His brain went into overdrive, considering every possibility as to why she would say that if she was looking for a way out. Even if she was doing her best to break up with him without hurting his feelings (which was the best case scenario in his mind up until now), she had no reason to say such a thing.

Unless, of course, it was just the truth.

He raised his head and intended to say something, but she was encouraged by the fact that he hadn't kicked her out the door yet.

"I know I've been acting weird, but this is all so new, I don't know what to do about you at work, because I just want to be with you and you make working so much more fun, I can't imagine you not being there anymore..." She paused to inhale quickly and he thought maybe this was his chance, but she kept on going. "And these past few weeks, when it was just us..." She trailed off, failing to find words to describe it. "I didn't want to let anyone else in on this, because then it won't be 'just us' anymore. It'll be family dinners, friends getting together, people asking questions... But don't think I don't want to share all that with you, I do, I really do!" Her voice was strangely high-pitched; she hadn't even realized she was feeling all of this until the words rushed out of her mouth, faster than her own thoughts. "But I... I just wanted it to be just the two of us for a little while longer."

She took a deep breath and he waited another second to make sure she was done. She looked down, too scared to look him in the eye: this whole 'wearing-your-heart-on-your-sleeve' thing was too hard.

He approached her, took her chin in between his fingers and raised her head, so she was able to face him. He could see a mix of fear and hope, but once she noticed he was his normal self again, looking at her like he always did, a small smile crept up on her face.

"Are you... serious?"

She chuckled at his ironic choice of words, wiping away the tears that finally found a way down her cheeks.

"Yes, I'm serious."

XXX

They sat on the couch, eating Chinese takeout. The TV was on, but neither of them paid any attention to it, absorbed in a conversation about the case they were working on. If anyone walked in, they'd never be able to tell a fight had just been going on - or that they had just taken a major step in their relationship. Perhaps it was somewhat noticeable during an exchange of looks that was supposed to be quick, but they held each other's gaze, not saying anything but sharing the exact memory of those four little words. Whatever was left of Beckett's wall had come down tonight; Castle now had full access to all-things-Kate. And she didn't feel uncomfortable, she didn't regret it: she was just happy.

She got up to take the dirty dishes to the kitchen and he followed.

"Castle, I was wondering..." She said while placing the dishes in the sink. "Would you like to maybe go on a date with me? You know, when we close this case."

A playful spark went through her eyes, but she was also blushing, making a superhuman effort to control the stubborn smile that insisted on spreading across her face.

"You mean in a public place?"

She nodded.

"What about Gates?"

"I'm pretty sure you just cracked this case, maybe she'll warm up to you."

He approached her, putting his hands on her hips.

"We might end up on Page Six, you know. And you can't shoot the paparazzi."

"Not even a warning shot?" She faked being disappointed, resting her hands on his chest.

"Nope."

"It's okay, I wasn't planning on taking my gun. Besides, we're gonna have to deal with that sooner or later, aren't we?"

He smirked. If this were poker, she'd be all in; and on second thought, so would he. The only inconsistency in his metaphor was that they were both winning the game.

"Okay, but there's something you should know." He sighed, acting serious.

She raised her eyebrows inquiringly.

"I don't put out on first dates."

She laughed, throwing her head back.

"Fine, I can handle it." Her expression changed from amused to lustful. "It will be such a waste, though..." Her hands travelled down his abdomen, finding his belt buckle. "Do you thing you can put out now?"

He flinched at her touch, making her chuckle.

"Y-yes," He stammered "I believe that can be arranged."

XXX

Did I get too serious on you? I re-read this fic yesterday and that sentence just jumped at me, I couldn't help myself. And I know Castle seems a bit emasculated here, but he's usually portrayed as such a ladies man I actually quite like seeing him this way.

One more thing: I really hate authors who beg for reviews, but, then again, I'm a hypocrite, so... Reviews, please? Compliments and constructive criticism are greatly appreciated!