Chapter 2

There are mystery things Dr. Stevens. You never know what may penetrate the psyche.

Mr. Epstein's frontal lobe's second craniotomy went very well. Actually it went as well as it could have. And the holiday carols seem to have actually penetrated is brain, because his mood returned to normal. It's a shame that they couldn't have entered my brain as well. I just want to forget that today is Christmas, a holiday that I used to enjoy so much. Shopping for all the kids, getting together with the whole family, getting cozy with Addison by the fireplace, even all the disagreements with Amy seemed so senseless this time of the year. But not this year. No family, no presents, no tree or fireplace. I am feeling this anti-holiday venom going through my veins that is hard to describe.

In reality I'm filled with such a sense of anger and injustice that the first thing that comes out of my mouth when I see my wife sitting at Joe's trying to make this an at least tolerable Christmas is a declaration of my love for Meredith.

Seriously, if Addison wanted to make this Christmas happier for me she could just have disappeared for the day. Obviously, this is my "silly" brain lobe talking, because in reality I don't know what I want. In one hand, I want to improve my relationship with my wife, for us to be Derek and Addison again. But that is just impossible, because every time I see her I see Mark on top of her, in my favorite sheets, destroying not only an 11 year marriage but also a lifetime friendship. How could they? How could they hurt me so much when I was just doing my job, taking care of people who really needed ME, not some other second category resident. I get filled with blind anger that I can't see anything in the future for us, just that horrifying event in our past.

And in the other hand there is Meredith. When she smiles everything lights up, everything is so easy with her, whereas simply making conversation with my wife is an unimaginable chore. I wish I could be with her and her weird but funny intern friends, like Stevens with her crazy Christmas fondness which actually reminds me a little bit of Addison. Speaking of Addison she doesn't seem angry at my words, her face displays more of a shocked sadness. Well maybe it wasn't the best time to say something like that but I really needed to get it out of my chest.

"Look I have something that I want, no, need to get out of my chest also" She then proceeds to make a pause so long that it seems like we are in one of those telenovela scripted moments. "I'm pregnant."

What? No, no, no… this is not happening. Well, I love kids, and I love Meredith and this is too much to take in right now that my brain feels like a messy scene after an explosion. Her mouth keeps moving, but my brain doesn't process the words she's saying. Obviously all the communication routes are shut down after a freaking explosion.

I immediately leave for my car. I need a quiet place to collect my thoughts. I tune in to my favorite radio station. Weirdly an image of a bright future seems to emerge in my mind. A little boy with bright blue eyes running around in our Seattle land, while me and Addie are in an embrace contemplating our creation. No, there it is again, everything fades to black and is replaced by an image of her and Mark, on my favorite bed sheets! And then Meredith, half naked at her mother's house the morning after we met.

Addison joins me in the passenger seat. I want to say something, but I can't decide on what to. Clearly you can't say something mean to your wife after she tells you she is expecting your child, but nothing else comes to mind so I settle on saying nothing. The whole freaking way! I try to drive as fast as I'm allowed so that it doesn't have to be so awkward, but it is. From the corner of my eye I look at her. I'm surprised she doesn't say anything to me either because lately she has been nagging me all the time, or maybe that's just the way I perceive every conversation we have. She seems like she is about to cry and I feel like holding her hand. Maybe I still do care about her or maybe it's just the effect of the recent news I've received. Either way I don't have the guts to do anything, to make a decision about the women I love.

I pull over to the trailer and we exit, still under the pouring rain that releases that smell of wet dirt I love so much. Rain is one of the two things I love Seattle for, the other one being Meredith.

When we lie down our bodies don't touch. It's not like we are doing it on purpose but it is an adequate reflection of the state of our relationship.

I don't really sleep for the whole night, but I can feel that Addison does. My mind is racing through so many thoughts all at the same time that it makes it impossible to shut down. Eventually I look at the digital clock at my bedside table, it displays 5:03 am and I decide to get up. At the hospital I make sure that I have back to back surgeries, so that I don't have to think about anything but the intricate procedures I am preforming.

Meredith is helping me in the second cranioplasty of the day. She is close to me, looking into the endoscope lenses, I can hear her breathe, I can smell her, the sexual tension taking over my body.

"Addison is pregnant" I tell her when we are alone scrubbing out after flirting for a while. I don't know why I am saying this to her, sometimes I feel like an inexperienced idiot around women, but to her I feel that I can say anything.

"What the hell Derek? We decided to be friends, but it's not nice of you to scrub your happily-married joys in my face without a warning, I'm not that kind of friend!" She seems really pissed. I thought that maybe she could help me gather my feelings about this but I was obviously wrong. Probably she thinks I'm happy about this? Maybe I am, I don't know. Does she really just want to be friends after what we have experienced or is there something more? She storms out of the scrub room as I star felling a crippling headache behind my eyes, probably from sleep deprivation or due to too much thinking.

I go to an empty on-call room and lock the door. I try to sleep but it is useless, so I open my laptop to go through my work emails. Later as I look to the toolbar, right next to the digital clock icon that displays 4:16 pm, I see the light-blue Skype icon blinking. I don't intend to answer it but I go over it with my mouse anyways and I see it is that person to whom you can't not answer, she would know right away I was ignoring her. I reluctantly answer the call.

A.N. - Writing Derek sure is hard, because if it was for me he would just stay with addison and that's it xD Who's calling Derek, any guesses? I tought this person should appear at the hospital to be more of a cliffhanger, but it is more realistic this way. As many authours say, reviews are a drug and I need my fix, so you know what to do... ;)