Kurt struggled with the letter for days, working through his emotions and striving to achieve normalcy once again. He varied on certain days from anger to elation to devastation, and his peers and teachers noticed. Still, he kept the reason to himself, though he guessed he probably should have alerted one of the senior X-Men that the mansion had been breached. Still, doing so would probably rule out the possibility of Avel's upcoming visit.
He had a month. Avel had promised to visit in a month and check to see if Kurt had a letter for him. So far, Kurt didn't even have a word. On one hand, he wanted to chew out this man for leaving him and being so irresponsible. On another, he was thrilled to think that he had the possibility of family again, and blood family at that: something he'd never had before. So he was angry and happy at the same time, but then there was this pervasive sadness. Kurt had finally found out why his birth parents didn't want him, and it hurt. He felt like he'd missed out so much on having a father in his life, but part of him didn't want that father, yet another part did. It was all so confusing, not to mention a bit upsetting finally figuring out that he wasn't even related to the man whose name he carried. He wasn't a Wagner, and he wasn't a Szardos. Avel had only signed with his first name, and Kurt didn't know what he was.
All he knew was that he didn't belong.
…
Dear Avel,
The point of the pen scratched the words out from existence on the paper, covering them with dark ink.
Avel,
Another scribble obscured the words from sight.
Father,
No.
Papa,
Nothing seemed right. Kurt decided to just begin the letter without salutations.
I cannot believe you would just come in here like this. Do you not have any respect for me? You teleport in my room while I am sleeping, like some sort of creepy old man, and leave me a letter about your feelings and how sorry you are. It does not make a difference. You did not want me, I do not want you. No one wants me, so why bother? Even if I try with you, I will just end up disappointed. Who is to say that you will not reject me again? What if I am not the son you want? You have probably have ideas about me, and I just know they are all wrong.
I had ideas about my birth parents, and I was very wrong! I could not have been more wrong! I met 'Raven'. I know her as Mystique, but I met her. I found out who she was. The resemblance was too obvious for me to not want to investigate. I thought she was the biggest disappointment of my life, but I do not think I can choose between the two of you. I always thought my parents cared for me, that they loved me and had to give me up for some tragic reason, but that they loved me, nonetheless. It was what my adoptive mother told me. Now I know better. No one wants me, no one loves me, no one cares. I am just too much of a burden, too ugly, too something. I do not want you, I do not want your apologies, and I most certainly do not want you ever coming back in my room again.
The pen scratched out the last sentence, hiding it beneath ink.
Come back in two months. I might want to see you again. I do not know yet.
Kurt sighed, unsatisfied, as he scribbled over the latest addition to his letter again and closed the notebook. He wasn't ready.
